"Are the girls coming after supper or before?"

"Actually, Ash, they aren't coming at all. They're going to your mother's for the weekend. Su Li just came back from a trip to China with her husband and she brought presents for them. Chue and his family are going dov^oi too."

"Why aren't we going?"

"We weren't invited," Fanny said quiedy.

"Oh. Don't you mean /wasn't invited?"

"No, that's not what I mean. We were not indted," Fanny said.

"If you want to go, it's okay, Fanny. Resdly."

"Ash Thornton!" Farmy screamed. "Listen to what I said. I said we were not invited. Your mother does not include me in all her plans. You need to start listening when I say something. It won't work otherwise. I'm not trying to be hard-nosed about this, but part of our problem is you never listened to me. Obviously you thought I never had anything important to say. You like to hear yourself talk to the exclusion of all else."

Ash turned from one of his many trips up the stairs to stare at his wife. "Do I really do that? I'm sorry, Fanny. You might be bringing me up short for quite a while until I get the hang of things."

"I can do this. I will do this," Fanny muttered over and over as she made her way to the studio. On her way back to the front of the house she kept muttering, "I don't want to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I have to do this, I will do this. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could."

Fanny wanted to laugh when she saw her husband walk out of the house. Then she did laugh. The impeccable Ash Thornton in flannel shirt and blue jeans and baseball cap. "I never saw you dressed like that."

"This is how I look every day at the ranch. With the exception of the boots. I wear rubber boots at the ranch because of all the chicken 380 Fern Michaels p)Oop. Now that you mention it, I guess I do look peculiar." His voice was good-natured.

"Tell me again, Ash, why we're doing this? Halloween is over."

"Thanksgiving is coming. You used to decorate the front porch with bales of straw, scarecrows, and pumpkins. We're going to do the same thing. After Thanksgiving we'U get out all the Christmas things and do up the front porch. There's a specialty store in town that has big straw reindeer. They even have a sleigh. If things work out between us, Fanny, I'm going to play Santa this year. You still have my suit, don't you?"

"It's in the attic." . "Mazie said you didn't give her instructions for dinner so I took the liberty of asking her to roast a chicken and to make giblet gravy. I brought some chickens Dad packed in ice. That was okay, wasn't it?"

"You already did it, so I guess it has to be okay. I normally don't eat a big dinner anymore."

"You were always a big eater, Fanny. A good eater as I recall. Mealtimes are very important, you shouldn't skimp."

"I guess it was all that criticism you heaped on me about my weight. I changed my earing habits. I starved myself for a while. It wasn't a good time in my life, Ash."

"I'm sorry, truly sorry."

"Why don't we make a pact not to bring up the past. You're going to get weary saying you're sorry and I'm going to get tired of throwing things in your face. Today is today, not yesterday. We're going forward. It might not work for us, Ash. Both of us need to be prepared."

"If it doesn't, it won't be for lack of trying on my part. How about you?"

"I'll react to you. It's all I'm willing to do, Ash. I'm sorry if that's not the answer you want or expect."

"It's good enough for now."

"I want your word that you won't crowd me, pressure me, or take advantage of me."

"You have my word." His voice was solemn, his face serious. Fanny found herself cringing inwardly. She'd heard it ail before.

Fanny snapped the locks on her suitcase. She looked around to see if she'd forgotten anything. She felt uneasy for some reason and couldn't %ure out why. It couldn't be the trip to Texas because she'd been looking forward to it for weeks. Ash was doing everything he'd promised and more. She was actually enjoying his company. If he wasn't a perfect husband, he was at least a model one. Maybe it was because Simon was taking the boys skiing in Colorado over Thanksgiving-a plan that was formulated, according to Birch and Sage, after he found out Ash was living at Sunrise again. She shrugged. It wasn't Simon. It wasn't the girls, either. What was it? She looked around, expecting an answer to fly in front of her. When it didn't happen, she sat down on the edge of the bed-the bed she was now sharing with Ash.

There were no sparks, no shower of stars, no passion. Pure and simple, she pretended. And she ached. She'd tried everything she could think of, even fantasized, but she wasn't able to release the years of ye2miing and longing. "It is what it is," she murmured to herself.

Fanny closed her eyes and roll-called the prior days. Ash got up, they had breakfast together, he kissed her good-bye, he drove down the mountain, she walked across the yard to her studio. At four-thirty. Ash 2irrived home, they'd go for a walk, talk about their day, have a drink, eat dinner, read or play a game of chess. Regardless of the weather, they'd take another walk around the yard before turning in. She should remember how it happened that she ended up in bed with her husband, but she couldn't. She had agreed to go upstairs with him. When the realization hit her that she no longer loved Ash, she'd been stunned and had cried for days. Now she was committed to a loveless marriage, and it was her own fault.

Candlelight dinners, a fresh rose from the greenhouse, small gifts, hand-holding-she'd accepted it all with a smile and tried harder. How was it possible that Ash couldn't see through her? Fanny sighed.

The nagging feeling that something, somewhere, was wrong stayed with her as she checked Ash's luggage. Sunny and BiUie's bags were already downstairs by the front door. Her womsuily intuition, her sixth sense, stayed with her as she walked downstairs to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. She had another hour before it was time to drive down the mountain to the airport to meet Ash, who would then fly the family to Texas in the Thornton plane.

More jittery than before, possibly due to the strong black coffee, Fanny picked up the phone to call her sons. After much shouting 382 Fern Michaels and yelling on the other end, she finally heard Birch's voice. "Mom! What's up?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to let you know we'll be leaving within the hour. If you need me, you can call me in Texas. I wanted to be sure you had the number. What time is Simon picking you up?"

"He's here now, downstairs in the lobby. The flight leaves out of Philadelphia in an hour. I won't forget to call you the minute we get back to the dorm. Uncle Simon is bringing some lady with him. Her name is Kathryn. Hey, Mom, you still there?"

"Yes . . . I .. . I'm still here. That's nice," she managed to say. Kathryn. That would certainly explain her uneasiness today. "Well, have a good time. Say hello to your Uncle Simon for me. Give Sage a hug and have him hug you for me. I love you."

"Love you too."

Fanny poured the rest of her coffee down the sink. She called for the girls. "Let's leave now, I don't like the way the sky looks."

"Those clouds look like dirty melted marshmallows. Is that descriptive. Mom?" BiUie asked.

"I suppose so, but couldn't you come up with something better?"

"I'll work on it. Actually, Mom, if you really look at them they look like Sage's dirty sweat socks."

"Why not a flock of gray mourning doves?" Sunny grunted as she lugged her mother's suitcase to the front door.

Ten minutes later. Sunny stuck her head in the door and yelled, "Everything's in the trunk. Everyone think, did we forget anything?"

"Phone's ringing," Billie said.

"Then answer it. It's probably Dad," Sunny said.

"Tell him we're leaving right now,'" Fanny said, gathering up her purse and scarf "It's Grandma," Billie said. "I think something's wrong. She's cry-ing."

Fanny grabbed for the phone. "Sallie, what's wrong?" She listened, her eyes growing wide. "It's going to be all right. We're on our way. We'll meet you there. We were ready to walk out the door. Fifty minutes and we'll be there. Maybe sixty, I have to call Texas. Listen to me, Sallie, it's going to be all right. I'm hanging up, Sal-lie."

"Philip . . . your grandfather is in the hospital," she told the girls. "They think . . . they aren't sure . . . but there are indications he's had a stroke. That certainly doesn't mean he's going to die. Stroke victims recover and lead very productive lives. We aren't going to ... to think negative thoughts. Bring our luggage back inside while I call Texas and then we'll leave for the hospital."

An hour and ten minutes later, Fanny and her children walked into the private suite at the Thornton Medical Center. Sallie was sitting alone in a gray chair, smoking, tears rolling down her cheeks. **I don't want this curette, Fanny. I must have lit twenty of them just to have something to do. Ash is on his way to the airport, they're trying to reach him. Red brought Philip in about two hours ago. He was in the turkey pen and they attacked him. No one really knows what happened to him. Su Li and John Noble are with him. Su li brought in two specialists. Everything that can be done is being done."

"Do you want me to call Devin, Sallie?"

"God, no! He can't come here, surely you realize that, Fanny."

Fanny wanted to say, at this point, does it matter, but she didn't She nodded. "How about if I drive the girls over to your house, Sallie."

"Do they want to go?"

"I don't know. It might be better for them. There's nothing they can do here. I can call them every hour or so. I'll tell them to bake some cookies or brownies for Philip. It will make them feel like they're doing something important. Sunny will see right through it, but she'U do it for BiUie."

"If you feel it's best for them, okay. What if he dies, Fanny?"

"He isn't going to die, Sallie. You can't think like that. Philip is strong, he's got a long life ahead of him."

"I should have spent more time with him. I should have been kinder to him."

"Sallie, you can't undo the past. You and Philip did what you had to do. It worked for both of you."

"It worked for me. It never worked for Philip. I know that in my heart. He was ... is such a good pretender. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I did this to Philip. I did."

"You did no such thing. I don't want to hear you say such things. You can't blame yourself. You've been with Devin for edmost twenty years. Those early years ... if something was going to happen, it would have happened then. This is not your fault, Sallie."

"Call Devin and tell him for me. Be sure he doesn't come here. I couldn't handle that. Someone should have come out by now to tell us how things are going. It's been so long."

384 Fern Michaels "Fanny, Mom," Ash said, his face white. "I came as soon as I heard. How is he?"

"We don't know," Sallie said.

"We're waiting. It's all we can do. Do me a favor, Ash, take the girls to Sallie's and tell them to bake some cookies and brownies for Philip. They need to keep busy. I don't want them here if... if things change. Please, Ash."

"What about Simon? We need to call him."

Fanny looked at her watch. "He's airborne. I can call the airport in Colorado and leave a message. I doubt if he can get here before morning unless he charters a private plane."

It was eight o'clock before Su Li and John Noble came into the waiting room. Su Li wrapped Sallie in her arms. "The bad news is, Philip has had a stroke. The good news is he is alive and in stable condition. We'll know more in the morning. He's in the Intensive Care Unit and has his own private nurse."

"He's being monitored very closely," John Noble said quietiy. "This is an early opinion on my part, but I think with therapy, Phihp will mend. He won't be quite the same old Philip, but he'll still be with us. The alternative isn't something we even want to think about. I'm going to let you see him through the glass, and then I want you to go home. Su Li and I will stay here through the night."

"I don't want to go home," Sallie muttered. "Things . . . things happen in hospitals."

"I didn't ask you if you wanted to go home, Sallie. I told you to go home. There's a difference."

"This is my medical center," Sallie said.

"I know. It makes no difference. There's nothing you can do for Philip, and you'll just be miserable sitting here. If you would rather get another doctor..."

"No. I'm sorry. You're right. I want to see him."

"Of course you do. Come with me."

Fanny thought her heart would break when she heard Sallie whisper, "I'm here, Philip. I'm so sorry. I'm here." She tapped lighdy with the tips of her nails on the window. "Please, Philip, if you can, let me know that you know I'm here. I can't leave otherwise. I'm going to make this up to you, Philip, I swear I am." When there was no response from the still figure in the bed, Sallie turned away, her shoulders shaking with uncontrollable sobs.

"He moved his hand, Sallie. I saw him," Fanny lied.

Sallie whirled around, her hands pressing up against the window.

"I'll make it right, Philip. I will. I truly will." Her voice was a hoarse whisper that only Fanny heard.

Fanny held back to allow Ash to put his arm around his mother's shoulder. Sallie leaned heavily against her son. Maybe something good would come of this tragedy. Fanny felt saddened that the tragedy was Philip's condition. She felt as if cement blocks were tied to her ankles as she trailed behind Sallie and Ash.

In the parking lot, Fanny stood aside as Ash helped his mother into the car. When she saw movement out of the comer of her eye, she turned to see Devin Rollins. She shook her head slightly before she climbed into the car. At that moment she didn't know who she felt more sorry for, Sallie or Devin.

The days and weeks dragged on. The children returned to school and college, only to pack up for the Christmsis holidays. Sallie insisted Fanny return to Sunrise to take care of her family the day her sister Peggy arrived. Ash took control of the R & R Ranch with a great deal of fear and trepidation. He later expressed his opinion that no one could fill his father's shoes, but he was going to do the best he could. Simon flew in for one day, arriving early in the morning and leaving late in the afternoon when he realized there was nothing he could do for his mother or his father. Fanny was devastated that she'd missed Simon by fifteen minutes, so devastated she cried for hours in the privacy of her studio. Another small piece of her life had been chipped away.

Three days before Christmas, Sallie brought Philip home from the hospital and up to Sunrise, the one place he loved above aU else. Fanny stood on the steps to welcome them, a smile on her face. The urge to cry was so great when Philip tried vainly to smile in return that Fanny bit down on her lower lip and tasted her own blood. Sallie wiped at the drool on Philip's chin and adjusted the pillow behind his neck so his head wouldn't loll to one side.

Fanny ran down the steps and hugged Philip, babbling eis she did so. "I didn't know there was such a thing," she said, indicating the specially equipped van with the electronic device that lowered and raised Philip's wheelchair. The chair itself was motorized; maybe someday Philip would have the use of at least one of his arms and be able to maneuver himself around.

The month of hospital care, with intravenous feedings, had taken its toll on Philip. He was thin to the point of being emaciated. He 386 Fern Michaels muttered something Famiy could only guess at. The children used to talk like this when they were first learning words, she thought. Behind the chair, SaUie mouthed the words, "SaUie promised to fatten me up." "If anyone can fatten you up it's SalHe, Philip." He struggled to smile. Salhe again wiped at the drool with a lace-edged handkerchief Philip uttered another word. Sallie mouthed the word, mashed. "I make real good mashed potatoes, Phihp. Sometimes I put turnips in them, lots of butter and salt and pepper. You're going to love my mashed potatoes."

"Let's get you in by the fire, Philip," Salhe said.

"Chue installed the ramp by the back door. He finished it yesterday. He even put hand rails up for you, Phihp. He did a good job."

SalHe walked into the kitchen hours later. "He's sleeping on the sofa. He hates the chair. It's difficult for me to get him in and out of it."

"Sallie, why didn't you call me? He's too heavy for you. Chue's in the greenhouse. You look exhausted."

"I am, but in other ways I feel exhilarated. I can fmally do something for Phihp. I'm heartsick that this is what it is, though. I wish I could do more. He seems to panic when I'm out of his sight."

"'ou need to get a male nurse, Salhe. You'll kill yourself. I'm more than willing, but even with the two of us, it's going to take its toll. Chue isn't exacdy robust."

"Right after Christmas, a male nurse and a therapist will come in by the day. Phihp understands. We used sign language a lot in the beginning. It was the only way I had of knowing if he truly understood what I was saying. He gets frustrated easily. Don't say it, Fanny, I know how hard it's going to be. I'm prepared. I see doubt on your face. Trust me, I can handle this. I'm so grateful, Fanny, that you want us to stay here."

"Salhe, this will always be your home, but Philip is consuming your life. If you have help, it might be easier. You cannot allow another person to take over your life. If you do, you will cease to be who you are. This might not be any of my business, but what are you going to do about Devin? He's called hundreds of time. He deserves some kind of response from you, Sallie."

"I know that. I was sitting at the hospital the other day and I remembered the year Philip told me to go to Devin on Christmas Eve. He gave me permission to go and then he called Devin and told him I was on the way. I tried so hard, Fanny, to love Philip the way he wanted to be loved. The feeling wasn't there. I couldn't manufac- ture something I didn't feel, the way you're doing with Ash. I -was honest with Philip from the beginning. I never, ever, lied to him. Not once. I won't lie to him now, either. But, to answer your question, I will arrange a meeting with Devin after the holidays. Ever since this happened, I seem to play that game called, 'do you remember' with myself"

"I play the same game, Sallie. The past is past. We can't bring it back and we can't change it."

"I know Ash. So do you. It's difficult to change. Listen, I want to ask how you feel about something. Would you have any objection to my building a cottage at the bend in the road? Not too close to Chue's house and not too far from this one. Just four or five rooms with a kitchen and a special bath for Philip. A nice wide front porch with a ramp. A garden on the side and flowers in the front. Philip loves to watch things grow. I think that was why he did so well with the chickens. He got them as chicks and nurtured them along. I hate those damn turkeys. Philip was full of bites from head to toe. It's a good thing Red got him out. She let those turkeys go, all of them. God only knows where they went. That's all Philip was worried about. What happened to the turkeys? I told him the truth."

"But, why, Sallie? We have all the room in the world right here. I won't interfere, and Ash is only home in the evenings. The Primrose School made the weekends so full and interesting the girls hardly ever come home. The twins won't be home till summer. Right now it might seem a little noisy and crowded, but that will change the day after New Year's."

"I think a separate house will be best. As Philip progresses, and I'm certain he will progress, he's going to want some small measure of privacy. It's not this house that he loves, it's the mountain. Right now he doesn't much care about anything. At least that's my perception. John and Su Li both said he's going to get stronger with each day. I'm hopeful he'll be much improved by spring, when the cottage will be done. I've spoken with a building contractor and he assures me he can put it up in three months, possibly sooner if the weather holds, but I wanted to talk with you first. Do you need to speak with Ash?"

"I don't need to, but I will. I know he'll be in agreement."

"Is Simon coming for Christmas?"

Fanny sucked in her breath at the mention of Simon's name. "I sent him a note and invited him. He didn't respond. I suppose it's possible he called the boys, but I doubt it."

388 Fern Michaels "Simon usually goes some place where it's warm for the holidays. As a child he loved Christmas, more so than Ash."

"Maybe he wants to be invited by you, his mother. Did you ever think of that, SaUie?"