"Really. Are you saying I should invite my son? The door is always open to one's children. With Phihp ... I thought Simon would be here to . . . to . . . help. I guess that was wishful thinking on my part. He did come that one day-^maybe I should be grateful for that."

Fanny wanted to say, no, that's not the reason. He won't come because Ash and I are together again. She looked at her mother-in-law and realized she didn't have to say the words. Sallie already knew why Simon wouldn't join them at Christmas.

Sallie was simply making conversation.

In the privacy of their room, with the door closed, Fanny whispered to Ash about Sallie's plans. "I took the Uberty of telling her I didn't think you'd mind. You don't, do you, Ash?"

Ash sat down on the edge of the bed, dropping his head into his hands. "I hate seeing him like that. I can't bear to look at him. I don't know if I can hve with him until the cottage is ready. Jesus, I'd do anything I could for him, he's my father, but every time I look at him I see this strange ... his eyes seem to pierce right through me. It's like he wants me to do something. I don't understand a damn thing he says. It's just gibberish. I pretend I understand and he knows I don't. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut."

"That's a pretty damn selfish attitude. Ash. You used the word T eleven times. How do you think Philip feels?"

"I know and you're right. I don't know how to handle this. WTiere in the hell is Simon? He should be here. Have you heard from him? Is he at least coming for Christmas?"

"I sent him a note, but he didn't respond. I don't know. Ash. You need to be patient with your father."

"I don't have any patience, Fanny, you know that. I get goddamn sick looking at him. I hate myself for feeling this way."

"Guess what," Fanny hissed. "I hate you for feeUng that way too. You're going to have to develop patience. I refuse to accept less fi-om you, Ash."

"Don't tell me what to do and feel, Fanny-he's my father^ not yours. I feel bad enough as it is. You don't need to rub my nose in "Obviously you don't feel bad enough. The man is your fadier. He's seriously ill, and he's trying to make the best of it. Can't you even begin to imagine how a vital person like Philip feels at being so incapacitated? If you're going to stay here at Sunrise, Ash, you will not, by word or deed, show any adverse feelings to that poor soul in that wheelchair. Let's settle it now. Ash, and get it over with. I don't want this hanging over everyone's head for Christmas. You've already ruined too many of them for this family."

"I knew this was too good to be true. Are you telling me you want me to leave?"

"I didn't say that. The choice is yours. This is what you always do. Ash, we have a fight and when it doesn't go your way, you pack up and go. Know this though, if you go this time, you can never come back."

"You're a damn dictator, Fanny."

"No, Ash, I'm not. I'm your wife. I see how restless you are. Coming home every night has to be a real chore for you. I'm also aware that each day it gets later and later. You're working weekends, but are you really working? I've called the ranch and Red says you're never there on the weekends. So, tell me, who's fooling whom here?"

"Are you spying on me?" Ash said through clenched teeth.

"Yes." Fanny walked over to her jewelry box and withdrew a matchbook. "Who's Rosalie?"

"I have no idea."

The sneer on her husband's face made Fanny cringe. "Oh, I think you do. I called Miss Rosalie and pretended to be your sister. She was very helpful. Now, do you have anything to say?"

"Yeah, I do. At least she doesn't lie in bed like a damn cardboard doll."

"Is that what marriage is to you, Ash--just sex?"

"A good part of it."

Fanny watched as her husband started to throw things into his suitcases. She gave no thought to telling him to stop, to beg him to stay. What she felt was an overwhelming sense of relief Christmas would at least be peaceful.

Fanny's tone was conversational when she said, "Just so I understand, Ash, are you leaving because I lie in bed like a cardboard doll, because of Rosalie, or because of your father?"

"All of the above," Ash snapped.

"You do remember what I said when you first came back. The 390 Fern Michaels divorce papers are ready to be filed. I'll call my attorney first thing in the morning. I'm sorry it didn't work out, Ash. You're walking out, and by doing so you are throwing away this family. I will never forgive you for that. You're also going to break your father's heart. That in itself will never give you a moment's peace. Someday, Ash, something could happen to you, and who wiD be around to take care of you? If you don't have a family, there's no one left. Nothing else matters in the end. Damn it, don't you know how important family is?"

"I can't say that I do, Fanny. Ours was sour, my own family was kind of shitty if you know what I mean. You do that family thing real well, so keep on doing it. Yeah, I'm sorry too that it didn't work out. Look, I'm not even mad. It didn't work. You tried, I tried. Sometimes things aren't meant to be. I can't handle Dad. I have to accept whatever that makes me. I'll call the kids on Christmas. There are presents in the hall closet. Is there anything else?"

"One thing. Ash. Since we're being civil here, I'd like to know if you ever loved me. I know I asked you once before, but you were angry at the time. I truly need to know, Ash, because I loved you so much, my heart was so ftill with feeling, and then it went bad. How do feehngs just die like that? I don't want us to hate each other. We share four very wonderful children. We'll always have that between us, so for their sake, let's at least try to be friends."

Ash walked back into the room to face his wife. He put both his hands on her shoulders. "No, I don't think I loved you. It wasn't a good time in my life. I thought I had things under control, but I was wrong. I handed you a line, and then you took me up on it and proposed. I was very fond of you, but sexu2dly, we just never ... it wasn't what I expected. It was okay, but I guess I wanted more, you know, swinging from the chandelier, doing it backward, that kind of thii^. I care about you, I want you to beheve that. I'm also jealous that you've been successftil with your business. I feel proud of you and jealous of what you've accomplished all the while raising a family. Many times, Fanny, I tried to tell you I wasn't marriage material, but you didn't listen. I'm not father material, either. I like bright lights, excitement, pretty, sexy women. I want that feeling I have when I'm flying, and I can't get it if I'm shackled. I thought I could change, but I'm not going to, and neither are you. The only thing left is for us to spHt. I sense a relief in you now that it's over. Or, is it my imagination?"

"No, you're right. Good luck. Ash."

"The same to you, Fanny. Jesus, do we shake hands or what?"

"A hug and a kiss on the cheek would be nice," Fanny said, fighting back the tears.

"Don't cry, Fanny, I'm not worth it. You should have married Simon. This is just a guess on my part, but I think he's already in love with you."

Fanny's heart leaped in her chest. "Birch said he's going with someone named Kathryn. She went on the skiing trip with them. I understand she stayed on in Colorado."

Ash threw back his head and laughed. "Kathryn! Kathryn is Simon's right hand. She's been with him since he started up his business. This is just a guess, but I'd say Kathryn is at least seventy-three. She has family in Rocky Mountain. She probably was going to visit her family and flew with them as far as Denver."

Fanny flopped down in the middle of the bed, Indian fashion. She looked around, there was no sign that Ash had ever inhabited the room. He'd known, just as she'd known, that it was temporary. Had it been permanent, he would have hung his flight pictures on the walls. She crawled off the bed to look at herself in the mirror. How had she gotten to this point in her life and never been loved? She felt beaten and wounded. She stared at the phone. It would be acceptable now for her to call Simon. She was free to do as she pleased. She didn't even have to look up the number; she knew it by heart. Not because she called it often, but because she had thought about calling hundreds of times. Maybe thousands of times. She looked at the clock. It was later in New York, Simon would be asleep. Maybe not-he said he was the proverbial night owl. What would she say?

The phone was in her hands-a magical instrument that would allow her to hear Simon's voice from a thousand miles away. A sleepy voice with the hint of a smile. She dialed the number and waited. Six rings, seven, eight. "This better be good whoever you are. Do you have any idea of what time it is?"

"I'm . .. I'm sorry, Simon. I'll hang up and call you tomorrow."

"Fanny? Fanny, is that you?"

"Yes, but I can call back tomorrow."

"No, no. I thought you were someone selling something-encyclopedias, cemetery plots, water filters. I was stalling for time, trying to get my wits together."

392 Fern Michaels "In the middle of the night?"

"Hell, this is New York You don't sound right. Is anythii^ wrong. It isn't Dad, is it?"

"Your mother brought him up to Simrise today. He's going to need a lot of care, Simon. He tries very hard to talk, but the words don't come out right Your mother understands him perfecdy. If there's a way to make him whole again, your mother will find it She's going to build a cottage for the two of them off the bend in the road. It would mean a lot to them if you would come for the holidays. Do you have other plans?"

"No, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get a flight at this late date."

"Why don't you charter a plane? Or rent one and fly it yourself. It would be money well spent"

''Doyou want me to come, Fanny? What about Ash?"

Here it was, the question she'd been dreading. Fanny cleared her throat and said, "My divorce papers will be filed tomorrow morning. Please don't ask me any questions because I really don't want to talk about it. We parted fiiends, that's all I'm going to say."

"I'm sorry, Fanny. I know you wanted it to work. I'll teU you what, I'll see about getting to Nevada as soon as it gets light Nothing's open right now. As soon as I know, I'll call you. One way or another, I'll get there. Good night, Fanny."

Fanny undressed for bed and crawled beneath the warm flannel sheets. She scrunched the piQow under her head and struggled to get comfortable. She should be devastated that her marriage was finally going to be dissolved. She'd tried but failed. Everyone was still sleeping soundly, the earth hadn't tilted on its axis, the sun would come up in the morning and set again in the evening. Time wasn't going to stand still for her, for Ash, or for anyone else.

Her options were few. She could choose to get on with her life, whatever it would hold, or she could hunker down, suck her thumb, and let that same life pass her by. If there was anything to be thank-ftJ for, it was that she and Ash had parted with civility between thent They might not be the best of fiiends in the days to come, but they would at least be fiiends.

A moment later, Fanny was sound asleep.

Fanny escorted Simon into the living room as though she were about to present an Academy Award nominee. "And we have.

standing at my right, Mr. Simon Thornton who will be gracing Sunrise with his presence for the holiday season."

"Oh, Simon, it's so good to see you. Philip, look, Simon is here." Sallie moved his chair sHghdy so that Simon was facing his father.

Simon dropped to his haunches. "Hi, Dad. It's good to see you here at Sunrise again. I'm going to be here for a few days so we can ... do whatever . .. or just sit and talk." He got up and gave his father an awkward hug.

Fanny watched father and son and wanted to cry when Philip's eyes searched the path in front of him. He^s looking for Ash, wondering where he is. He doesn't care about Simon. The thought jolted her. She hoped Simon hadn't picked up on his father's intense gaze.

Simon stepped back when his father mouthed a string of unintelligible words. He stared at his mother, a blank look on his face.

"I think so, Philip. I know you don't like the chair, but you have to sit up for a while. I don't suppose it will hurt if we have Simon move you to the couch, but you have to sit up."

"He wants to be moved, is that it?" Simon whispered to his mother. Sallie nodded.

Five minutes later the twins came into the room. "Okay, we're playing chess with Grandpa. This is our time so you guys can do whatever you have to do. Keep your eye on Birch, Grandpsi, he cheats. If you want anything, wink."

Fanny, Simon, and SaUie left the room and headed for the kitchen.

"The boys will monitor Phihp," Fanny said. "When their stint is up, Sunny and BiUie will take over. It was their idea, not mine. They have all kinds of sit-dov^Ti plans as Sage calls them."

"I had no idea," Simon murmured. "He was looking for Ash. Isn't anyone going to tell him?"

"I thought I would lie and tell him there was some kind of emergency at the ranch. Or we can tell him the truth and hope it doesn't give him a setback. I have to defer to you, Sallie," Fanny said.

"Simon, what do you think?"

"I always opt for the truth. It saves wear and tear on the emotions. It should be Fanny who tells him. That's just my opinion. I think he'll handle it." SaUie nodded.

The phone rang in the kitchen.

"Isn't anyone going to answer it?"

Sallie and Fanny looked at one another. Both of them shook their heads.

394 Fern Michaels "Ash?" Both women shook their heads.

"Devin?" Sallie looked away, her eyes wet. Fanny picked at a loose thread on the sleeve of her shirt.

"I guess this is one of those things that's none of my business," Simon said. He watched as Sallie moved to the kitchen window, her back to her son and daughter-in-law. "Uh-huh, well, when I don't know what to do or when I'm at a loss for words, I eat."

"Eating's good," Fanny said, opening the refrigerator.

Sallie sat down at the table and started to cry. Simon's eyes grew wide. He'd never seen his mother cry. He looked at Fanny, who could only stare at him, a turkey carcass in her hands. She set the platter on the counter. "I'm going to see if the kids want an early lunch." When she returned forty-five minutes later, Simon was alone in the kitchen, picking white meat off the bones of the turkey.

"Where's Sallie?" Fanny asked.

"I told her to go to town and talk to Devin." Fanny could tell that he was struggling with his emotions. "I didn't tell her what to say. He's a very kind man and he loves Mom," he said, almost in a whisper.

"And your mother loves him. But it's over now. That's what she's going to tell him." She paused, moved closer to him, almost reached a hand to his shoulder. "The kids don't want anything to eat."

"I don't eidier."

Fanny put the turkey back in the refrigerator.

"Wanna go for a walk?" Simon asked.

"Sure. What about Philip's lunch?"

"I told Mom I'd feed him. She said he needs a bib, and not to worry if I don't get much in him. Life isn't very fair sometimes, is it, Fanny?"

"Everything has a price, Simon. Life wouldn't be worth much if it was free. It's like that saying, let's see, how does it go, oh, yes, how can one appreciate happiness if one never experiences unhappiness? All we can do is our best."

"I knew I liked you for a reason," Simon said, taking her by the arm. "Twice around the yard to clear the cobwebs and then we'll trot our frozen bodies back to the house so you can make us some hot tea. Tea makes everything better. Mom always said that."

"Mothers are always right," Fanny said.

"I've heard that," Simon grinned.

Sallie felt older than her years when she sat down in Devin's waiting room. She looked around, trying to see everything, printing it on her memory so that when she left this place she could recall it at a moment's notice. Today, with the winter sunshine filtering through the blinds, the room looked cheerful. Maybe it was the small Christmas tree on the coffee table. The office was cozier now, the room broken in with years of clients passing through. She knew people coming into this suite of rooms were worried, and when they left they were smiling. "Their steps are lighter," Devin's secretary had told her. "Mr. Rollins has shouldered their problems."

She heard his voice and started to tremble.

"I don't want you to worry about a thing, Mr. King. I'll file the necessary papers and when we have our response my secretary will call you and make an appointment."

Devin whirled around the moment he closed the door. "SaUie! I've been going out of my mind. I called the medical center every day. What can I do? Tell me and I'll do it. How is he, darling?"

"Not good, Devin. I'm hopeful that intensive therapy will help. John Noble, Su Li, and the specialists say he'll never be the same. He's ahve, so I'm grateful for that. We'll take it one day at a time."

"SaUie . . ."

Sallie shook her head. "I came down to ... to say good-bye, Devin. It isn't just Philip's life that will never be the same; mine won't either. I have to take care of him. Me, not other people. I did this to him. Perhaps not directly, but I did it. It's the only way I can make up for all those years of. . . of anguish I've caused him."

"No, I can't accept that. I won't accept it. I love you. You love me. You can't do this, Sallie."

"Yes, Devin, I can. We ... we had our time in the sun. Together we had more than most people get in a lifetime. I have to give back now. I can't do it halfway."

"I ... I won't know what to do without you, Sallie." Devin's voice tore at her ab-eady-bruised heart. "You became my life. How can either of us go on?"

"I don't know, Devin, but we have to put it behind us. I realize it isn't going to be easy. I lived for you too, my darling, but nothing is forever. I'm trying to make it easier for both of us and botching it aU up."

"No. You make perfect sense. If Philip . . ."

"No, Devin. He isn't going to recover to the extent that he will be able to take care of himself I am all Philip has. He's totally dependent on me, and I can't fail him. Ash . . . Ash and Fanny have split up. Ash can't handle his father's disability. Philip makes him 396 Fern Michaels sick. I have to reconcile that mess in my mind too. There's no room left for you, Devin. Please, I promised myself I wouldn't cry and carry on."