"Then don't try. Of course I'll sign on. Just give me two days' notice. I like Simon. It's amazing how two brothers can be so totally different. God, I feel so .. .free. What shall we do?"

"Let's go to the studio, and I'll make us some coffee. I'd really like to call Simon. I know it's wrong, but I can't get him out of my mind. Tell me about Admiral Kingsley. Everything."

"As you know, he's Moss's best friend. He's my friend too. He's a kind, gentle man who cares about people. Moss calls him a Yankee cracker. He helped me a lot with my daughter Maggie when she got pregnant at the age of fourteen. Moss and Seth ... it was so awful. Thad found a place for unwed mothers and they took wonderful care of her during the whole time. He cared. Seth and Moss saw only the shame of it. She was so rebellious, all she wanted was attention from Moss, and he was too damn busy to give it to her. Seth wouldn't even look at her, that's how bad it was. If it wasn't for Thad, I don't know what I would have done. During that. .. that bad time, Thad and I. . . this sounds corny, but I like to think we had a meeting of our minds, kindred spirits, that kind of thing. I find myself attracted to him. When I see something or hear something, he's the one I want to share it with. I don't, because like you, I'm still married. I don't know, Fanny, if I will ever have the guts to leave Moss."

"We've given them our youth, the best years of our life. If we don't do something soon we're going to be old women who sit on rocking chairs moaning and groaning on what might have been if we only had the courage to act on our feelings. We're cowards, Billie. I feel like such a failure. Simon says I'm not, but if that's true, why do I still feel like I am?"

"Only in our choice of men," Billie snapped. "Do you really think I should go to New York?"

"If it was me, I would. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Why don't you give some thought to moving out so he doesn't.. . you know."

"I'm living in the cottage at the end of the property. It's big enough for Sawyer and me. I can work on my textile designs. Most times I don't even go to the house for meals. I fix something for us in the little kitchen. Seth almost went up in smoke when he saw me move my things down to the cottage. Riley actually cried. My mother didn't say anything, but I think she approved. Technically, I am livdng apart from Moss. They make a mockery of what I'm trying to do. They pretend to be indulgent. You know, the dumb little female who doesn't have anything to do so let her mess with her paints and swatches."

"What have you done with the money you earned from Sunny's Togs?"

"Gave it to Simon to invest at Sallie's direction. The account is very healthy. You should have seen Moss's face when he filed our income tax return. Thanks to you, Fanny, he knows I can leave him and not depend on him to support me. He did a lot of stuttering and sputtering. He even suggested I put his name on the account. He said accounts should always have two names, so I put Sawyer's name right next to mine. We even got her a social security number. Moss didn't like that at all. Something good has to come out of all of this, Fanny. To me, it's Sawyer. She's my last chance, Fanny. I won't fail where Sawyer is concerned. She's mine. Maggie didn't want her, my husband and father-in-law didn't want her. I'm all she has. Isn't she a pretty little girl, Fanny?"

"As pretty as her grandmother," Fanny said sincerely. "I think your mother is coming around, Billie. She acted real . . . you know . . .human. She loves you a lot. I think she just has a hard time showing it."

"She got sucked into the Coleman way of life. Most times I consider her one of Own. I'll never be one of them. If I ever get a divorce, I'm going to take back my maiden name. I don't know why women have to give up their name when they get married. It's not fair."

"Tell me something in this life that's fair. Enough of that stuff. We came down here to the studio to do something . . . meaningful, so let's do it."

"All right. I'll call Thad. To tell him he was missed at the party.

372 Fern Michaels I'll tell him about the baseball game. Just a short conversation. Nothing ... no hidden words, no nuances, nothing like that. Simply a straightforward conversation between two old friends. We are old friends, Fanny. When I talk to him I feel good for days."

"You call him and I'll run into the house and bring down some food. Take your time and enjoy your call. I'll ring Ghue from the house to check on Sawyer."

Forty-five minutes later Fanny walked into the studio. Billie was sitting in one of the red chairs, her feet propped on the round table, a beautiful smile on her face. "Your eyes are sparlding, Billie. You look . . . dreamy."

"That's how I feel. When I told Thad about our baseball game he laughed so hard he couldn't get his breath. He asked about everyone. He's going to try and come for Thanksgiving. He said he might get transferred to someplace near Hong Kong. He offered to send me some silks. He's so incredibly thoughtful. It's what he didn't say that's more important. I... I told him I knew about Alice Forbes. He didn't admit it, but I think he knew. He's Moss's friend. No matter what he thinks or feels about me, he would never betray Moss. Never."

"What if you were divorced?"

"I don't know, Fanny. Okay, it's your turn. I'll go to the greenhouse and pick some flowers. We'll fill this place with all kinds of blossoms, light some candles this evening, have a little wine, and. .. and . . ."

"Cry," Fanny said sofdy.

"Yes. For all our lost years. Tell Simon I said hello."

Fanny reached for her Betty Crocker cookbook. In the middle of the book was Simon's business card, the same card he'd printed his home phone number on. First she called the office and was told Simon was on vacation. She tried his home phone number and smiled from ear to ear when she heard his voice.

"It's Fanny, Simon. I don't know why I'm calling you. For no reason really. I think I just wanted to ... to hear your voice. Everyone left, but Billie and Sawyer stayed on. Billie says hello. I don't suppose the twins called again?"

"No. They're fine, Fanny. They were so excited they forgot I was there. They're rooming together, so that's good. How are things at Sunrise?"

"The same. How are things in New York?"

"The same. I could pack up and be there by tonight."

"I know. You can't."

"I know. We were just dreaming the other night, right?"

"Yes. Billie invited us all for Thanksgiving. She asked me to extend the invitation. It's okay if you want to think about it. It's months away."

"Tell her yes."

"She wants to sign on for Someday. Is your crew full yet?"

"I'm being selective. The line gets longer every day. I wish I had kissed you that night."

Fanny's eyes started to water. "I wish you had too."

"I don't feel like doing anything. I sit here and stare at the walls."

'*You need to get a dog, Simon. They're always there for you, and they love unconditionally."

"Are you trying to tell me something, Fanny?"

"I'm not free, Simon. I shouldn't even be C2illing you. I don't know what possessed me to do this. It simply isn't right."

"We could hang up."

'*We could," Fanny agreed.

"I miss you."

Fanny drew a deep breath. She wanted to say she missed him too, had begun missing him the moment he drove the car down the mountain, wanted to tell him how she had to fight the urge to run after the car, not because her sons were inside, but because he was going away from her. "You need to get a dog, Simon." It was probably the stupidest thing she'd ever said in her life.

"Okay, I'll get a dog. Male or female?"

She W21S on safe ground here. A smile crept into her voice. "A female of course, males lift their legs. They're a tremendous responsibility. Maybe you should start off with a cat. They more or less take care of themselves if you provide a litter box."

"If I get one, can I call you for instructions?"

"I'll send you a book on pet care." No commitment there.

"I'd like tfiat."

Such an inane conversation. If it was so inane, why was her heart beating so fast?

"I'll look for a good one the next time I'm in town."

"Are things okay?"

"Things are the same. Billie's great company, and Sawyer is adorable. Sunny and young Billie have packed and unpacked their trunks eighty-seven times in the past few days. They're actually ex- 374 Fern Michaels cited that they're going to live at school in a real dormitory." I can't wait to see you.

"Have you thought about me?" Simon asked.

Every hour of every day. To lie or not to lie? "Yes," she said breathlessly. "I'm going to hang up now, Simon. This makes me very uncomfortable. I need to . . . to . .,"

"When will I see you again?"

When? "When I need you the most," Fanny whispered, breaking the connection.

18.

When Fanny heard the crunch of gravel and the sound of the high-pitched engine, she knew Ash was on the property. She started to tremble and her mouth grew dry as she realized how alone she was with the children gone. Staring up at her was a note pinned to her drafting board, reminding her of her appointment with an attorney in town to discuss the divorce she intended to file within the week. An attorney Devin Rollins had recommended.

Fanny slipped off her stool and went to the door. She didn't want Ash in this place that was hers, didn't want him touching her things, sitting in her chairs. He no longer belonged here. She walked outside into the October sunshine, the key to the studio secure in her pocket.

It was amazing, Fanny thought, how Ash never seemed to change. He was still tall and slim, athletic, impeccably dressed even in the middle of the afternoon. His hair wasn't thinning the way most men's hair thinned at his age, he wasn't jowly, and there was no sign of a paunch. He still looked like the dashing young pilot she'd fallen in love with. God in heaven, where had that love gone?

How ironic that the sun was shining, that the skies were a perfect blue, that the clouds were marshmallow white and the grass was still green. It was almost like some other being knew Ash was going to arrive and decided to take a brush and paint a perfect day. For the return of the wayward husband. Fanny shuddered. What did he want? She inhaled deeply, growing light-headed with the sweet scent of the sagebrush. Birds chittered in the cottonwoods as much as to say "Intruder, intruder in our midst."

Fanny steeled herself for whatever was to come as she walked to the paved area near the garage. She gave no thought to her appearance, a sure sign that she no longer thought of Ash in any romantic way. She rolled up the sleeves of her smock, which was full of thread, paint smears, and safety pins. She wore no makeup, and her hair was pulled back and tied into a ponytail with bright yellow yam. She wore wool socks and fuzzy slippers because her feet were always cold. She thought suddenly about Simon; she always thought about him when she found herself stressed out or under pressure. "Ash, what brings you up the mountain on such a beautiful day?" That was polite, noncommittal, an I-don't-care-what-you're-doing-here statement.

"I thought we might go pumpkin picking. It's only a few days till Halloween. I know how you love to decorate. You're having your usual party, aren't you?" Not how are you, I missed you, Fanny.

"As a matter of fact. Ash, I'm not. The Primrose School is having a party and the girls aren't coming home this weekend. They've planned a hayride and a square dance. It's going to be a coed event with the young men from the Addison School."

Ash's face grew thoughtful. "This will be the first year you've missed having a party."

"It's no big deal. Ash. The children are grown now. Sunny will be going off to college next year. Billie isn't interested in parties, she never was. I think they all pretended Halloween was a big deal because they thought I liked it. In the scheme of things it really doesn't matter."

"You sound so matter-of-fact. Doesn't anything bother you anymore? You don't even look like the same person." His voice sounded fi-etful and whiny. "I came to ask if you would be interested in attending my annual reunion with my old squadron this month."

"No thank you. My calendar is booked with work."

"Fanny, I want us to try again. Nobody knows better than me what a heel I've been. I want to put that all behind me. I want us to be a family again. I swear, Fanny, I won't let you down. That day when the boys drove off with Simon . . . left a mark on me. I've wanted to come up here so many times and tell you how and what I felt that day, but I didn't want you to . . . toss me out on my ear. I do have some pride."

"What about my pride. Ash? Everyone in town knows your rep- 376 Fern Michaels utation. How do you think I feel when I go to town and know people are looking at me with pity, asking what kind of woman I am who would stay with a man who betrays me? And what about the kids, they had to listen to the snickers and the sly looks?"

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just a word as you've said many times. I've said some mean, rotten things, Fanny. I regret every single one of them. I wish I could take them back, but I can't. All I can do is start over if you'll give me a chance. I can still work at the ranch and come home every single night. I make it up here in forty-five minutes since they paved the road. Will you at least think about it? I'll come up next weekend and we can ... we can start to rebuild our lives."

"I was forced to rebuild my own life. Ash. A long time ago."

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Fanny. I was just too dumb and stupid to know it. I'm even going to go to a psychiatrist to talk things through. I need to resolve things about my mother and father. Fm trying. If it doesn't work, I'll try harder. Listen, I have to get back to the ranch. Dad has a bunch of young torn mriceys coming in late today, and I don't want to leave him to handle it by himself. Chickens are one thing, turkeys are something else entirely. Get a mental picture of three thousand turkeys in one place. They're a giveaway. Dad is going to give aU of them away for Thanksgiving. He amazes me the way he does things sometimes. By the way, am I included in the trip to Texas for Thanksgiving?"

"Billie said family. If you consider yourself family, I guess so."

'*You're so cold, Fanny. This isn't like you."

'*You don't know the first thing about me. Ash. You have no clue as to how bad you hurt me and the kids. You stomp us. You come in like a storm trooper, you pummel us, and then you go away. We try to gather our lives together and just when we start to make it hsip-pen you come back and do it all over again."

"I'm not going to do it again. You have my word. I swear, Fanny, I'll work night auid day to make it up to you and the kids. I won't give you one moment of grief I'm going to dedicate myself to this family."

"Do I dare ask what brought about this miraculous change?" Fanny asked, an ice-cold edge to her voice. She'd heard it all before, a hundred times, a thousand times.

"I told you, it happened when I saw the boys getting ready to leave. All of a sudden they were grown-up, as tall as me, young men. I asked myself where did all the years go, and I had no answer. I'll come up next weekend and we can sit and talk. I'll abide by your decision."

"Good-bye, Ash."

Fanny waited until she was certain Ash was really driving away, then she ran back to the studio and, with fumbling hands, threw the dead bolt. In a frenzy she pulled the drapes and turned on all the lights. Hugging her arms close to her chest, she started to shiver. In her life she'd never been so cold. She untangled her arms long enough to throw two huge logs on the fire. She slid to the floor beside one of the red chairs and rocked back and forth, shivering.

Hours later, when the room was stifling hot, Fanny walked on stiff legs over to the litde kitchen, where she made a pot of coffee. She drank it all and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. She wanted to call someone, someone who would listen and not judge her, but there was no such person. She longed for a dog that was hers alone, a dog she could talk to, who would listen and watch her with dark, adoring eyes. Two dogs, so they could keep each other company. A friend who would sleep at the foot of her lonely bed, a fHend who would welcome her when she came in, a friend who would take long walks with her. "Someone to love me unconditionally," she whispered.

If she wanted to, she could call Simon. She'd told him to get a dog and a cat. Maybe she needed to take her ovm advice.

Was it possible for someone like Ash to change? Did age mellow a person? Was Ash sincere? The best years for her young family were gone. What good would it do any of them to patch things up? The children were accustomed to a one-parent household. Going back with Ash would change her life and their lives too.

Fanny curled up in one of the red chairs. She cradled her head in the crook of her arm and was instantly asleep. When she woke hours later, there were tears on her lashes. She made more coffee and drank it all. She moved about the studio like a robot as she tidied up her work area, her eye going to the note reminding her of her legal appointment. What to do?

Fanny showered and climbed beneath the covers. Maybe tomorrow things would be more clear. Maybe . ..

Ash's steps were hesitant when he walked away from his parked car, his eyes wary as he watched Fanny on the front steps. He stood quite still at the bottom of the steps, his eyes level with his wife's, since she was sitting on the top step. "It's a nice day, isn't it?"

"A lovely day."

"Is it a day for a new beginning or an ending?"

378 Fern Michaels Fanny waited a long time before she answered. She probably would have waited longer if she hadn't seen the tears in her husband's eyes. "I called the kids. I ^ow this is my decision, but they have a voice, too, and I wanted to hear it. They all said, and this is a direct quote, 'No, don't let him come back.' " Her heart thumped in her chest when she saw Ash's shoulders slump. "I have to admit, their answer surprised me. Children as a rule are very forgiving. I guess I underestimated how deeply you hurt them. They went on to say whatever I decide to do, it will be all right with them. I'm willing. Ash, to try one more time. But with certain provisions. You need to hear them all before you decide if you want to stay or not.

"First, I have an appointment this week with an attorney in town to file for divorce. I'm going to go ahead and have him draw up the papers, but I'm going to tell him not to file those papers. That's because I don't believe you, Ash. I don't trust you, either. I'm agreeing to do what you propose because I don't ever want to have to look back and say, maybe I should have, why didn't I at least try one more time. I don't want that to happen. This is what /propose. Yes, you can move back here to Sunrise. You can try and act like the father you are when the girls come home on weekends. We can interact the way husbands and wives do, but I will not sleep with you. Not now. We may never go back to being husband and wife in the true sense of the word. Regardless, I expect you to be faithful. I suppose you're going to view this as punishment. I don't much care. Whatever you expect from me will have to be earned. I'm not comfortable with this at all. One last thing, and I want your word, Ash, that you understand: my studio is off-limits. Someday that may change. For now, it's what it is."

"I agree to everything. You have my word. I'm bound to make mistakes. Mistakes can be fixed, Fanny. Will you agree to that?"

Fanny digested the words. She nodded.

"Is it okay to bring my stuff into the house? You won't regret this, Fanny. I want to be open and right up front with you. I don't blame you for not trusting me and not believing anything I've said. I won't let you down, I promise. Look, would you like to go for a walk after I lug this stuff in?"

"Sure."

"You would?" There was such surprise in Ash's voice that Fanny smiled.

"Of course. I get lonely, Ash. Days go by sometimes when I don't talk to a soul, not even to Chue."

"You know what, Fanny, I get lonely too. I don't expect you to believe me, but I'm going to tell you anyway, I can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. I don't know why that is. It is. Let's include pumpkin picking down at Mr. Ogden's ranch. You have to pay for the pumpkins, but that's okay. We can make jack-o'-lanterns tonight. Remember how we used to do that?"

Of course she remembered, but she wasn't going to admit it. It was safer that way. "Vaguely," she said shortly. "While you're taking your things in, I'll put on my hiking boots. I'll meet you here by the front steps."