A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."

--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the quick."

--"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."

A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.

"When I was eating my dinner to-day the b.u.t.ter ran."

"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."

SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"

HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."

SHE--"How do you make that out?"

HE--"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a _million heir_, of course."

Girls and billiard b.a.l.l.s kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling.

MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references."

APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"

"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."

"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."

"Was there."

"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."

"It must have been a put-up job!"

As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, must be beside himself.

"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"

"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a tape-measure!"

"Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?"

"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house an' died by the yard!"

"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"

"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."

"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."

"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"

"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."

"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away."