"He never touched her?"

"No. He was a man-eating shark."

GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?"

PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."

"Why how is that?"

"Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"

"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to give my seat to the lady, not to you."

"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And he kept the seat.

"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when you've finished."

"But suppose I undertake to dig a well?"

"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"

"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."

"There's a young woman who makes little things count."

"How does she do it?"

"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."

"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it."

"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the celery; and the beet blushed.

A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times.

MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in my life."

MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married you."

Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down.

"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."

"Well, you must remember that we are one now."

"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?"

"The one with the biggest head, of course."

"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as she fondled her firstborn.

"My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know the unutterable joy of being 'Next' in a crowded barber shop on Sat.u.r.day night."

"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing robe?" he asked.

"Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is a very warm suit, hubby, dear."