"I've missed you, too." I whispered. He moved his face, pressing his cheek to mine. I opened my mouth ever so slightly and breathed out what little air I had taken in.

"Do I still have permission to kiss you?" Oh f.u.c.k, I want you to, but no, I can't let you. I barely spoke the word because it was hugely painful to say, but I did say it. I had to.

"No."

He rested his forehead on mine and closed his eyes. "I didn't think so. I'm so sorry, my love, but I couldn't think of any other way. I never meant to hurt you. I never ever meant for you to feel like I paid for you. I know you are not for sale, Hunny, I never thought you were. I just desperately wanted you to see that we were meant to be together." A tear fell from my eye and slowly made its way down my cheek. He wiped it away gently with his finger. "Please don't cry, Alexis," he pleaded. "I hate seeing you upset." I fought the rest of them back with great difficulty, not because he didn't want to see me cry, but because I just simply did not want to shed anymore tears. My eyes literally hurt, and the muscles in my face were exhausted.

"What are you doing here, Bryce?" I didn't bother to ask how he knew I was here, I had accepted the fact that if he wanted to know something, he would use everything within his power to learn the answer. If he wanted to know where I was 24/7, then so be it, there was really nothing I could do about it.

"I can't be away from you, Hunny. It's killing me."

"You have to be Bryce, I'm not ready."

"I can't." He gritted his teeth and it was now clearly visible how tortured he really was.

"You have no choice. I need s.p.a.ce, I need time to think."

He looked pained. "To think about what?"

"To think about who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Up until yesterday morning, before my heart was ripped in half and trampled on, I had made that decision and I couldn't have been happier. I wanted nothing more than to be with you, but things have changed, Bryce."

"Do you love me, Hunny?"

"Yes, I've already told you that."

"Did you not say that my c.o.c.k belonged inside of you, and that you promised I'd be back?" He gently pushed his body harder against mine, making me gasp very slightly. I closed my eyes in order to gain back control of my head, my heart and my body. I breathed in and opened them slowly, catching a slight smirk on his face at his attempt to sway me.

"Yes, I did, but it is no longer that simple."

He moved back again and put both his hands on the wall on either side of my face.

"It is, Alexis. It is the most pure and simple thing I know. You and I belong together, you know it and I know it." f.u.c.k. I grabbed his shirt and aggressively pulled him to me, kissing him with force and biting his lip. He pushed me harder against the wall as his tongue moved with mine. f.u.c.k. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him off me, then slapped him across the face. We were breathing heavily and burning each other with our eyes. I gently replaced my hands back on his chest. Oh, f.u.c.k me, his pecks are hard and tensed and ready for me to lace with my mouth and tongue and...Alexis, stop it. This time I gently pushed him back further so that we were no longer touching, and the urge to continue to orally a.s.sault him there and then was not so excruciating.

"Please, Bryce, just give me some s.p.a.ce to get my s.h.i.t together, to get myself to a point where I don't burst into tears just thinking about you and Rick. I can't be like that, not around Nate and Charli."

He seemed to relax a little, and surrendered his aggressive need. "I can give you time and s.p.a.ce, but I can't promise how much. It is physically unbearable to be this close to you and not be able to touch you in all the places I know you like to be touched, and to taste you in all the places I know you like to be tasted. I can't promise you my restraint will last for long."

I watched his fist clench open and closed, it was an indication he was struggling right now, so I stepped aside and out from behind the plastic plant.

"I have to go, Mum and Charli will wonder where I have gone." I went to turn for the bistro and he grabbed my hand again.

"You've taken it off."

I looked back at my bare fingers. "I've taken them all off."

He looked heartbroken. "I will not give up on us, Alexis. I will fix this, I promise."

I gave him a slight smile and attempted to leave again.

"Alexis."

"Yes."

"I love you."

I paused only slightly. Every single inch of me wanted to turn around and jump on him, wrapping my legs around his waist, then kissing him and telling him I forgave him, and that everything was fine. But it wasn't fine, I didn't trust him anymore and I didn't know if I ever could. Is love enough? Is love without trust enough?

I let out a deep breath, without looking back. "I love you, too," then walked back into the bistro.

I sat down at the table where both Mum and Charli were more than half way through their lunch.

"Are you sure you are all right? You were gone a while, your warm chicken salad is no longer warm."

"I'm fine, Mum, my tummy is a little unsettled though." That was an understatement! I tucked myself into my seat and began to eat lunch, every now and then I would look up. I knew he had not left yet, but wherever he was hiding, he was very well camouflaged because I couldn't see him. Just the knowledge of him being here though, had me feeling things I should not feel, especially after how much he had hurt me. I can't just forgive him this easily. It's a sign of weakness, and I am not weak.

"Alexis, darling." I looked up at Mum and placed my fork down. I had been annoying a piece of chicken with it, and I'm sure if the chicken had been alive it would have grabbed my fork and stabbed itself out of frustration.

"Yeah, Mum?"

"Do you realise how important your heart is?"

"Maybe, why?"

"Because your heart houses the love you possess, and when you open your heart and release that love, you render it fragile and exposed to breaking. Alexis, your heart is strong and not as fragile as you think. Why? Because it heals darling, it will heal if you let it. Please let it heal, okay?" Another tear escaped my eye, even though I willed it not to. Mum's words could not be more appropriate, and I loved her dearly for encouraging me to let my heart heal. I blew her a kiss, then winked at Charli while trying to wipe away the teardrop before she noticed it.

"Mum, what's wrong with your heart?" Charli asked.

"Nothing, sweetie, I'm just learning how to make it strong."

"Why isn't it strong?" Mum went to interrupt and divert Charli's questioning, but I stopped her.

"Charli, inside your heart is love. I have love in my heart that I give to you and to Nate and to Daddy and to whomever I want to give it."

Charli b.u.t.ted in, "I give my love to you, too, don't I?"

"Yes you do, and it's one of my most favourite loves in the world." This made her smile. "Sweetheart, sometimes when you give your love to someone and they don't give their love back to you, it hurts your heart and makes it weak. That's why we have to learn to make it strong, so that it doesn't hurt anymore." She nodded as she tried to understand.

"So, Mum, who didn't give their love back to you?" c.r.a.p, now I've put my foot in it. "No one, Charli bear, I'm just making it stronger in case that happens, okay?" Good save.

"Okay, well it won't be me, or Nate or Daddy, because we always give our love to you."

"You are adorable, my baby girl, now hurry up and finish your lunch."

Before we headed back to the farm, we picked up some chicken feed pellets and decided to call into Jen's house for a coffee. While Mum and Charli were playing with Olivia and the twins, I filled Jen in on the developments with Bryce and Rick.

"Bryce is here? In Shepparton?"

"Yeah, trust me, aIt's what he does'." I giggled to myself when I said it. Jen didn't get my private joke, and I didn't elaborate. She just reiterated that time and s.p.a.ce, were my best friends. Until they became annoying b.i.t.c.hes, and of course in that case, p.i.s.s them off and find some new ones. Preferably aalcohol and dancing', now they were friends who could show you a great time. Okay, well that wasn't her a.n.a.logy, it was more mine.

"Just pace yourself, Lex, and don't make any rushed decisions."

"I know, I know. So, Thursday night we are going to the pub to check out the band, like old times. Ok?" I half expected her to aUm' and aAh', but she didn't, instead she lowered her voice to a whisper.

"You have no idea how good that f.u.c.king sounds, I need a night out away from, crayon drawings on the wall, mushed food in the carpets, and apoo-splosions' in nappies."

I laughed. "It's a date then. Pick me up at about 8 p.m., okay? Oh, and bring some tops with you. My clothing is in short supply, I had not planned on staying up here when I packed."

The rest of that day was pretty uneventful after our quick stop over at Jen's. When we got back to the farm, I gave Charli, Nate, and Mum there gifts from Uluru, luckily I'd put them directly in the car after we got back. Nate had been trying for nearly an hour to master the boomerang, most of his attempts were a fail, but towards the end, a couple of throws had started to make their way back to him. Charli adored her necklace, and even Mum was pretty pleased with her new tea towels. I pulled out the spoon I had bought Tash, I hadn't spoken to her, and knew that if I didn't call her soon I would incur her wrath, which was not pleasant. I dialled her number, and she answered very quickly.

"Hey, Lex, I've been worried about you. How have you been, Luv?"

"Oh, Tash, you have no idea." I explained very briefly what had transpired since our last chat in Yulara. She was completely shocked and lost for words, which did not happen to Tash, ever!

"s.h.i.t! I'm coming there to see you."

"No, don't be silly. I'm fine, I've got Mum and Jen, and they've been a G.o.d send."

"Are you sure, Lex? This is a really, REALLY horrible situation you're in."

"Tell me about it, Tash. I appreciate the offer, I do, but it is a long way to come. Listen, I'm going to head back with the kids on Friday, I have decided Rick can stay with his parents for a while, until I have at least figured out where we stand. Speak to the girls and see if they want to catch up for a drink and a dance Sat.u.r.day night, I think I need it."

"Okay, sounds good. I'll let you know... And Lex? I know I don't say this often, but you are an amazingly strong and level-headed person, well, level-headed person when Schnappies aren't involved." I laughed. "No, seriously Lex, you will be fine, and you will make the right decision whichever one it is."

"Thanks, Hun, I know. I just need to focus on other things and clear my head. What will be, will be."

She went to start singing. "Que Sera..."

"Don't even go there, you idiot."

She laughed and stopped. "Not going there, I promise."

"Gotta go. I'll talk to you soon, bye." I hung up the phone and shook my head. What would I do without that crazy b.i.t.c.h?

The next few days went by quite quickly. I kept myself busy by helping Mum and Dad where I could. Tuesday was gardening day, and Dad showed Nate how to use the ride-on mower. Nate was a natural, so Dad got a chance to read the newspaper and drink a cup of tea while the lawns were happily mowed. Charli, Mum, and I tackled the garden beds. I enjoyed gardening-it was therapeutic, what you gained for your time and hard work in amongst the soil, always proved to be a great reward. That reward could be a beautiful display of colourful blooms, or home grown fruit, vegetables and herbs, or even just being out in the fresh air working with Mother Nature.

Wednesday, so far, had not been a good day at all, we were all indoors seeking the air-conditioned relief as the temperature outside was close to 40 Degrees Celsius. The kids were restless and fighting over what movies to watch, Mum hated extreme heat and complained every five minutes, and Dad was frustrated at the fact he was now forced to sit on his a.r.s.e and forgo the jobs he had lined up. I however, found myself pondering, I couldn't help it. Keeping busy and diverting my mind from thoughts of Rick and Bryce, who I had now collectively named aBrick'-Brick, seriously? Alexis you are a freak-had been a successful way to avoid any pondering.

Unfortunately, with the stifling heat and lack of anything to do because of it, I had no choice but to contemplate my situation and it was depressing me. This is what you are here for Alexis, to ponder, to decipher, and to figure out what to do. It was probably the most difficult decision I would ever have to make, and I couldn't just make it on a whim. I was in love with Bryce, but could I trust him not to omit things from me in the future? I wanted to be with him more than anything, but I had two children who would have to want to be in that life too, not to mention Bryce would have to want them in our life, which I didn't know if he did or not? It wasn't something we had ever discussed. Then there was Rick, I loved him also. He was stupid, naive, and money hungry, but he had never cheated on me. And we had shared a wonderful life together before all this happened. It was just so complicated. Single life isn't complicated Alexis. Yes, if I were single I wouldn't have to deal with any of this s.h.i.t. Single again? The thought actually terrified me. I hadn't been single since I was seventeen. Not to mention the dreadful thought of being a single mother, that would be no easy task. But, maybe that's what I needed to do, wipe the slate clean, be free to make the best decision for me and the kids. No Alexis, it's ridiculous. But was it?

The idea of declaring myself single actually felt good, liberating and somewhat exciting, I guess it also felt empowering, as a way of saying ahey, f.u.c.k the both of you', now I'm up for grabs. I really had no idea about being single, what would I do? Technically, I would just not commit myself to either of them at this stage. I like it, already I could think more clearly. I needed to break this down into steps, and step one was to ask Rick to stay with his parents when the kids and I returned home. Then again, he now has five million dollars, he can f.u.c.king buy his own house! Step two was to get advice, and I knew just who to get it from. I grabbed my phone and dialled Carly. Apart from Mum and Jen, her voice was one I knew well when it came to discussing my problems.

"Hey, wh.o.r.e, how's your love triangle?" If anyone but Carly (okay, maybe Tash, Jade, Lil, or Steph) had said this to me right now, I would have unleashed h.e.l.l upon them. But, one- this was Carly and I never took any insult she said to heart, and two-she had absolutely no idea what had happened to me since our night out at Opals.

"Hey, yourself. The love triangle has ruined my marriage."

She didn't respond at first, then opted for the aI hope you are kidding' approach as a lifeline to her now inappropriate directness. "Ha ha, you're joking, right?"

"No, Hun, I'm not. I have left Rick, and have distanced myself from Bryce. I am now officially single so to speak."

"f.u.c.k off." As always Carls, there it is! "Where are you Lex?"

"At Mum and Dad's farm."

"Right, I'm on my way, tell your Mum I'll bunk with her and Graeme. I'd rather hear her snore than listen to you fart." I cracked up laughing even though it was an awful insult.

"Carls, I'm fine, you don't need to come up here."

"Bulls.h.i.t, I don't. I'm coming! Anyway, I need a break from this s.h.i.t hole I call work."

"All right, but if you insist on coming you are sleeping with me, and you are going to have to put up with my flatulence whether you like it or not, b.i.t.c.h."

"Deal, I finish work early today, so I'll see you just before dinner. What's for dinner?" I loved her shamelessness "I don't know. I'll ask." I shouted out to Mum who was in the Kitchen. "Mum what's for dinner?" She came into my room.

"Roast, why?"

Carly heard the selection and continued to talk. "Ask her Roast what? It had better be Lamb."

I moved the phone away from ear. "Carly wants Roast Lamb."

Mum smiled. "She does, does she?"

Carls' voice squawked through the phone again. "With Mint Sauce." Eeww Yuk. I couldn't eat Mint anyway, so I wouldn't be touching that s.h.i.t. Mum, rolled her eyes and turned for the door.

"Tell her yes, it's Lamb, but she can bring her own b.l.o.o.d.y Mint Sauce." I smiled, I loved my Mum, she was always welcoming and her door was never closed. Carly was like a daughter to her anyway, so Mum's refusal of Carly's self-invitation was never going to happen.

"Did you hear that Carls?"

"Yeah, hold the phone out toward your Mum, Alexis" I did what I was told, then heard Carly squawk again. "Thank you Mary-ann. I love you and your roast lamb." When Carly was finished yelling, I put the phone back to my ear. Mum shook her head and smiled as she walked off.

"You finished?"

"Yeah, Okay. I'll see you later, with the Mint Sauce."

"Bye." I hung up and felt better almost instantly, I didn't want anyone to have to drive to Shepparton and help poor me get out of this hole I had put myself in, but I couldn't deny my relief at Carly's stubbornness, and her dash to my aid.

Carls turned up before dinner and handed Mum a bottle of Mint Sauce. Mum responded by giving her a light slap on the arm together with a quick hug. Carls enjoyed her roast lamb, and after a wine out on the front porch, bed seemed to be calling everyone's names. Carls and I both lay in bed whispering for hours that night, like we did as teenagers. It was just what I needed, filling her in on every tiny detail. She was blown away by the complexity of the entire situation, and advised me to tread carefully. She was very carefree, unattached and not held down by anything or anyone, so her laid-back approach to life and situations came naturally. My dilemma, however, seemed to have her displaying a cautious side, which was a side of her I did not see often.

"I seem to be over my initial emotional rollercoaster now, so that's a good sign. I guess I'm just at the stage of weighing out my options. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? Like putting the two of them on a scale and seeing which way it tips."