"I told you it was broken."

"I can't freakin believe you just did that."

"I would break my phone any day just to have a reason to see you. Now come on, how about I take you to lunch, please. Don't say no. You will break my heart if you say no and I don't think there's as store here to fix that." I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. She huffed and stomped her foot.

"Jesse. You are so, so...aaargh." She groaned. She was balking. My heart was sinking.

"I am meeting a friend here for lunch." She waved a hand in the direction of the sandwich shop. "And I would if....you know... if I wasn't in a relationship."

"I know, I know, Jason." Fucking Jason. She's gotta realize it's me she wants and not Jason. I know how she kissed me. It felt like warm honey covering my entire body and I know she felt it too. I'm in deep and there ain't any religion that can save me now. I wanted this woman bad. If she walks away, there will only be pain.

I know I'm no daddy's favorite. He would say, "There goes my little girl with some troublemaker guy." I know I'd be thinking the same thing if I were in his shoes. But I've changed. They don't understand, they can't understand how I have felt since I met my Niki. She can't just walk away.

She was giving me the most beautiful look with her eyes. It felt like the sky was falling. I stepped in a little closer to her. I reached out for her arm. The urge to pull her to my chest rumbled from somewhere deep inside of me. A little breeze picked up the essence of her perfume and it wafted up to my nose. Her scent was heavenly.

"Please, Niki. I just want to see you. Let me take you out tonight, then." I whispered it standing as close to her face as she would let me. "Jason doesn't deserve you. I will treat you better. Does he buy you flowers?" I leaned in close and whispered in her ear. "When he's finished, does he step back and adore you?"

She faltered, pulled away and looked startled.

"I'm sorry, I gotta go." She turned and waved at someone. "Here comes Courtney now."

"I'm not giving up," I said. I ain't a quitter. I didn't win all those races by giving up, but winning races was easy compared to winning Niki's heart.

She smiled and took a step backwards, about ready to walk away. She gave a little laugh, shook her head and said, "You are too dangerous for me, Jesse Morrison."

"Dangerous? No, maybe a little on the wild side."

"Okay then," she said and started walking.

"And a stalker. I'm good at being a stalker too. I take my job seriously, so brace yourself, sweetie. You are gonna be seeing me around a lot more than you ever imagined. Don't be surprised if you see me rocking your dream world." I raised my eyebrows with a wiggle. She gave me a wave and walked off to meet up with her friend. I spun around to head back to work. Shit. I forgot. I needed to go to the cell phone store.

Chapter Fifteen.

Niki "You look nice, babe," Jason closed my apartment door behind him as he stepped into the living room. It had been almost a week since Sunday night when he returned from his grandmother's birthday and the night I was on the beach with Jesse "Come in Jason. I just have to get my purse and I'll be ready."

"I hope you are hungry. I have picked out a good place for us to eat."

I wrung my hands, under my little white sweater I had draped over my arm. "Sure Jason. Just give me a moment."

Jason stood stiffly in his khaki pants and white polo shirt near the entryway. He found it hard to sit, and waiting was not his forte. He preferred to pace and reorganize my knickknacks sitting on the bookshelves, or straighten the already level pictures hanging on the walls. Just like my dad. A neat freak.

"They serve organic and vegan."

"I am not really into vegan. Don't they have beef?" I said as I headed down the short hall to my bedroom to locate my little peach colored purse. I don't know why he chose to forget? We'd had this conversation before. I popped back out into the living room and he was on a rant.

"Ugh what? You never eat beef. How can you even say that, Niki? Don't you realize how bad beef is for you? Didn't we read "The China Study" by Collin Campbell together?" He reached out for the doorknob and allowed me to exit first.

"Well, yeah but I..."

"So, maybe you need to read it again." The acid in my stomach was rising up in my esophagus. I looked down at the ground as he pulled the door shut behind us. As we walked out to the car, I opened my mouth to say what a lovely evening it was, but he continued.

"Collins' findings about the link between dietary habits and health have been published in the most reputable scientific journals and now in this book. Collins is a research scientist and his scientific studies have demonstrated that a good diet is the most powerful weapon against disease. And eating beef, or having a steak dinner with a baked potato and all the toppings, is a big "no, no", why it's just a heart attack waiting to happen. It's not good for you Niki. You need to eat healthier. I don't want to become a widower at forty"

"Well, we are not exactly married yet, so stop complaining, will you?" I withered a little inside. I had wanted to have an enjoyable evening out, but as usual Jason's cheerless personality cloaked the entire evening with his need to control.

We had been spending our usual three nights a week together, nights scheduled by Jason. He always had to schedule the time we spent together according to his calendar of events. It had been almost a week since the bonfire and every time I was with Jason I practically turned red with guilt. I felt like I was wearing Jesse's kiss, like a scarlet letter, burned onto my lips and I was sure that Jason could see it.

I chastised myself, it was just a kiss. No big deal. Yet my stomach swirled with anxiety. And I don't even know why. Sure, I saw Jesse again but that was because he was stalking me at the sandwich shop, thanks to Kat. And we had been casually texting back and forth a little bit during the week. But it was really nothing.

I re-checked the zipper on my little peach purse to make sure it was shut tightly. I didn't want to chance it, that my cell phone might fall out and Jason might accidentally see the messages. Though I didn't really know how that could happen, if he did. Damn it. Jason had me all on edge, feeling too much shame, judgment, and mistrust.

All week I kept asking myself, why had I let Jesse into my life? In every private moment I had to myself, thoughts of him would invade my mind like the chirping of crickets on a warm summer night and I would catch myself lost in a daydream of being in his arms instead of Jason's. It all happened, all by itself, without thinking. What is it that Jesse and I have to experience together? Why have we been brought into each other's lives like this? Who is moving the cords and for what reason? Will I be able to understand all this - ever?

The waiter sat us at our table. The restaurant had modern sleek wooden and chrome decor. Very bland just like the food- just like Jason.

"I really wish you would have gone with me to the birthday. Everyone was asking about you and why you weren't there." He rearranged his water glass and silverware on the table in front of him to his satisfaction.

"I'm sorry Jason, I never met your grandmother and I felt it was too soon in our relationship for that kind of thing. That's why I decided not to go with you. And besides, I had an assignment to finish."

He frowned, placed his elbows on the table and laced his fingers together under his chin. "I can't believe you are wasting your time with this designer thing. You seem to be making a lot of bad choices lately. It's such an illogical idea of yours to take classes in fashion design. I mean seriously, aren't you going to be a lawyer like me and your father? Are you just going to waste your life designing clothes for no-brain teenagers? You were at the top of your class, Niki. You are about to waste your four year degree. You need to think about the future and what will be the most logical and profitable career choice."

"You sound like my fucking dad." Jason's face paled in surprise of my choice of language. "You don't understand. I need to do this because it's my choice. All my life I have done what my dad wants. My entire life has been a fraud. I was actually afraid to be myself, like being me somehow wasn't enough. I walked around on pins and needles, living in that house with him. I was convinced that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, lovable enough... ha, I even believed that in order to be happy and please him, that I would have to become better, smarter, and even more lovable. As a result, I walked around like a fucking robot, tucking my real feelings away. I wasn't allowed to be sad when mom died. Good girls aren't sad. And I got angry when dad sent me away to boarding school because he couldn't deal with me and my emotions. But good girls aren't supposed to be angry. Good girls don't act that way, right? They just get called "bitch" for showing their emotions. I hid from my feelings too long, Jason. I hid a very important part of me. My creative part and I'm scared to death that if I don't start living my life the way I want, it will be harder and harder to hear myself, my authentic self...and a part of me will be lost forever."

I gulped and tried to calm myself. It felt like there wasn't enough air in the room and the heat gathered inside of it was like a sudden, awful hand over my mouth. I hurried to sip my water. I felt like I was about to have a meltdown. I took a deep breath. "I like designing. When I woke up this morning I had an idea in my head, and at the end of the day, there was a design on the table. My creation, a piece of me, that now existed, and didn't earlier. Can you do that as a lawyer?"

He sat like stone, not breathing a word while I poured my emotions out all over the table. He calmly took his hands down to his lap and cleared his throat.

"Niki, that kind of career won't make you any money. In order to have a profitable career in fashion design, you would have to make it really big as a designer. And what are the chances of that happening to you? Who says you are really that good at it? The fashion school you are attending, they tell all the applicants how talented they are. This school is in the business of making money. It's a career school, Niki, not a university. They will gladly take the money of every starry eyed girl who is willing to pay the tuition. At the most you might make a decent living for a few years but then, as with any artistic endeavor, another young fresh artist/designer will come along and "bam", you are out of business. Honestly, Niki, you are just wasting your time with this silly idea of yours."

"You arrogant asshole. You have no idea, Jason. You don't even know me, do you? And what the hell do you know about fashion design anyway? It's my passion. What puts you in the position to judge me? You don't know shit, you sorry ass fucker!

"Whoa, whoa. easy now tiger. I didn't mean it that way. You are probably great at "fashion design" and really, it's not that important to be creative. Look. Here's what you can do, Niki. Be a lawyer in the day, have a good income and career and you can do something with your design stuff in your spare time...as a hobby. That's it. There you go. That's what you will do. That is what you need to do. It'll make your father proud."

If I had something to throw at him I would have. He didn't even hear a word I had said. How dare he criticize my life choices. I was about to explode into his face, but thankfully the waiter arrived with our food.

"Ah, the food has arrived. Let's eat." he said with a smug face.

A young guy with a long low ponytail, wearing very "I love Earth Day" attire, placed a white plate of some pasty looking vegan entree in front of me. Between the lackluster food and Jason's attack on my ability to run my own life, I wished I had a big, fat juicy steak to cut into, with blood oozing onto the plate from the first cut, just to throw in his face.

I picked up my fork and held it in my fist with the force of a death grip. I stared at the food not sure I could eat right now. My blood was still boiling. I was more than pissed.

"What's wrong? You look mad." He said evenly and cut into his food with his knife and fork.

I shoved a forkful of the pasty-white shit into my mouth and chewed viciously. I swallowed hard before it was completely chewed.

"What's wrong?" My indignation rose to suicidal heights. "You don't even see it do you? You don't see what a selfish controlling prick you are."

He lowered his knife and fork and leaned forward. "Maybe we should talk about this later."

I dropped my fork on the table. I was done with him and his control issues.

"No, we are going to fucking talk about it right now. Who are you to think that you can tell me what to do? Seriously. You are not my dad. I don't need anybody to tell me what to do in my life. I know what I want to be and I know I have the talent. It's all clear to me now, you don't support my dreams. How do you think that will work in a relationship?"

"I really wish you would calm down and stop swearing like a sailo--" He started to speak, but I was on a roll and I ploughed ahead.

"Are you going to suffocate everything with your beliefs? You can't just put me in a box, Jason, like you do with everything else in your super organized, super clean world. I don't fit in a file folder that you can organize and neatly put away so things won't get messy. I'm sorry Jason, that's just not me. Maybe sometimes I want to be messy, maybe sometimes I am unorganized. Just let me be myself!"

"Niki, Niki. Life is not always about doing what you want. If you want to be a grown up you have to take responsibility. You can't go around doing whatever you please. You have to take responsibility for your own actions."

Oh great, now he was placating me. I rolled my eyes and sat back in my chair.

"Niki, I don't know what's gotten into you lately. And on another issue, what were you thinking moving in with Kat? I mean seriously. She is the most irresponsible person. You know, you should move in with me. I have more to offer you than a cheap apartment with a crazy out of control boy toy. I have a good job and ..."

I pushed my plate away.

"I'm done here. I can't eat this." I wiped my mouth with the napkin. "I see it now, Jason. You are always going to argue. Always trying to get things go the way you plan. You are a lawyer and you will argue until you die. I'll never win. You will always put yourself first. Well, damn it, I refuse to live that way."

"Niki, what do you mean?"

"Jason, I used to think we could make it as a couple, but now I know that we are not meant for each other." I looked up to the ceiling, as if the answer had been hanging over me all along. "I refused to see it before, but it's so clear. You are my dad. You are going to become exactly like my dad, and the last thing in the world I want, is to marry my dad!"

"Hold on. Now you are just being silly. I don't know why you would compare me to your dad. I'm nothing like him." He had finished his meal and leaned in again. "You've had a long week and so have I. You are tired and I have an early meeting. Let me drive you home. Once you've calmed down, I'm sure you will think differently in the morning. Sleep on it and we will talk about you moving in with me tomorrow."

Oh my God. This guy was a brick wall. I folded my arms across my chest.

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm done with this. You and I are not meant for each other. I know there is a girl for you who is just your type, who is just looking for what you can offer, but I'm not that girl. I want the opposite of you. I want to experience life, I want to live life. I don't care about status, or money. I care about joy, passion, dreams and fulfillment." I flung my hands up in the air.

He stared at me blankly. For once he was speechless.

"So this is it, Jason. We are done. Let's just move past this."

He paid the bill and we left the restaurant in silence. I politely thanked him for opening my car door but the ride home was like ice water. As we pulled in front of the apartment I couldn't get out of the car fast enough. He parked and made a motion as if he was going to walk me to the door but I was already out the car. I didn't' want him to think there would be the possibility that he was invited in.

"Stop Jason," I said as he hurried after me. "Don't bother. I don't want you to come in."

"Niki, please..." His eyes begged. He actually looked sad. It looked as if his perfectly controlled exterior was on the verge of shattering. I almost felt a ping of sympathy in my heart, but I knew that if I allowed it to surface, it would just lead to the unraveling of my confidence.

I was tired of being the victim, feeling like a martyr, rather than taking responsibility for my part of all this. The bottom line was that being the victim felt safer because that position, that role in the relationship, hell in my whole life, had made me feel small, and the smaller I felt, the less likely I was to be hurt again. That's where I had been content to remain, that's why I had a very dull relationship with Jason. That was until a week ago, when Jesse walked into my life, oozing of danger and excitement. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I could only be the victim for so long. I mean, how many times was I going to feel my life sucked before doing something about it.

I opened the door to the building and didn't look back. In my imagination he was standing by the car with a tear rolling down his cheek and any minute would run after me yelling "come back Niki. Please, I love you." He didn't though.

I stepped a foot onto the step up to my apartment as I heard the engine start up and he drove away. So predictable. I could have looked back to watch his car leave the parking lot, but it wouldn't have revealed any new information, and I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing me look back. Looking back is a sign of regret.

"Niki, what's wrong?" Kat was perched on a small stool with her guitar in front of a microphone mounted on a stand. I knew this was how she practiced for her gigs. She used a small amplifier to hear the quality of her voice as it sounded while performing.

"I just broke up with Jason." I sniffed. Tears were forming in the corner of my eyes. I was disappointed with myself for crying about it. I wanted to be stronger than that.

"Shut the fuck up. No way." She stopped playing the guitar. She would probably be happy to hear this news since she didn't think he was the right one for me anyway. I kicked off my shoes and flopped on the couch like a wet noodle.

"I should feel liberated and powerful. Hell, I just took back my life. Instead I feel like I hurt him and I really didn't want to do that." I looked down at my summer dress, picking at some imaginary lint.

Kat laid down her guitar on the floor next to the stool and came over to sit next to me on the couch. "Come here, hun. Give me a hug. Everything is going to be okay. You didn't hurt him. He's a big boy and honestly, if he didn't see this coming then he's just an idiot." She hugged me and patted me. I was expecting her to lay into him for being such a big jerk and run him into the ground. She didn't. And I was glad.

"Thanks Kat. You are the best friend ever."

"No problem. That's what I'm here for. Now, no more tears. Okay? No guy is worth your tears. What can I do to cheer you up? Do you want to go out for some ice cream?"

I laughed and wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. "No, Kat. I'm not five years old, but thanks. I think I'll go to my room, get into my pajama shorts and read magazines. It's been a nerve wracking evening."

"Sure hun. Just let me know if you change your mind. I'm always here."

I forced a weak smile and scooped up my purse and shoes. As soon as I shut my bedroom door I dropped the shoes and flung the purse on the bed. I tore the sun dress off over my head and fell onto the bed, feeling emotionally drained. Why were tears still pooling in my eyes? I should be feeling liberated. I stood up to Jason for what I wanted out of life, but instead I felt guilty. I didn't want to cry over the break up. I wanted to be strong. I shut the light out and rolled onto my side, still laying on top of the covers in my underwear, waiting for my emotions to settle. I stared into the darkness, letting my eyes fall on the shadows of the room, lightly illuminated from the apartment parking lot lights coming in the window. I looked up at the fan mounted in the ceiling. I wondered how much weight it could hold. The weight of a human body? Or would that much weight pull it out of the ceiling? My dark thoughts were distracted by a muffled buzz signaling me from within my purse, still lying next to me on the bed where I had thrown it. It was probably Jason wanting to get the last word in our conversation. I pulled out the phone, prepared to ignore it once I confirmed it was Jason.

Hey beautiful. Any chance you will talk to me?

It was a text from Jesse. I sat up in bed and clicked on the night light next to my bed.

Do you always call your friends beautiful in text messages?

Only the really beautiful friends. :) You are a flirt. A dangerous flirt.

I'm sitting here all alone on a Friday night just thinking about you.

You're a tease. I find that hard to believe. :) Hard to believe that I am thinking about you?

No hard to believe you are all alone on a Friday night. Your charming smile not working lately?

Just waiting for a miracle.. YOU!

Well, miracles do happen.

What? There's something you're not telling me. Are you holding out on me? Are you texting me while you are with Jason? If you are - that's hot! Live dangerously and sext me something!

Ha. Ha! No way. Perv.

C'mon. Text me something dirty while he is sitting across from you.

In your dreams. I'm not out with him.

Then where is the douche-bag?