CUSINS Not at all. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss over a big drum without practice. UNDERSHAFT coughs. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss over a big drum without practice. UNDERSHAFT coughs.]

BARBARA It's all right, papa, weve not forgotten you. Dolly: explain the place to papa: I havnt time. [She goes busily into the shelter. [She goes busily into the shelter.]

UNDERSHAFT and ADOLPHUS now have the yard to themselves. UNDERSHAFT, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks hard at ADOLPHUS. ADOLPHUS looks hard at him.

UNDERSHAFT I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr. Cusins. [CUSINS flourishes his drumsticks as if in the act of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound.] [CUSINS flourishes his drumsticks as if in the act of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound.] Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out! Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out!

CUSINS You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, have you any religion?

UNDERSHAFT Yes.

CUSINS Anything out of the common?

UNDERSHAFT Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation.

CLISINS [disappointed, but polite] [disappointed, but polite] Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church. Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church.

UNDERSHAFT The two things are- CUSINS Baptism and- UNDERSHAFT No. Money and gunpowder.

CUSINS [surprised, but interested] [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it. That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.

UNDERSHAFT Just so.

CUSINS Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth?

UNDERSHAFT Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life.

CUSINS Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder?

UNDERSHAFT Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others.

CUSINS That is your religion?

UNDERSHAFT Yes.

The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. CUSINS twists his face dubiously and contemplates UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT contemplates him.

CUSINS Barbara wont stand that. You will have to choose between your religion and Barbara.

UNDERSHAFT So will you, my friend . She will find out that that drum of yours is hollow.

CUSINS Father Under shaft : you are mistaken: I am a sincere Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and remorse and despair of the old hell-ridden evangelical sects: it marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals the true worship of Dionysos22 to him; sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs to him; sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flourish on the drum]. [he plays a thundering flourish on the drum].

UNDERSHAFT You will alarm the shelter.

CUSINS Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. However, if the drum worries you-[he pockets the drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway].

UNDERSHAFT Thank you.

CUSINS You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder?

UNDERSHAFT No.

CUSINS [declaiming] [declaiming]

One and anotherIn money and guns may outpass his brother; And men in their millions float and flow And seethe with a million hopes as leaven; And they win their will; or they miss their will; And their hopes are dead or are pined for still; But whoe' er can know As the long days go That to live is happy, has found his heaven.23 My translation: what do you think of it?

UNDERSHAFT I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be your own master.

CUSINS You are damnably discouraging. [He resumes his declamation. [He resumes his declamation. ] ]

Is it so hard a thing to see That the spirit of God-whate'er it be- The Law that abides and changes not, ages long, The Eternal and Nature-born; thesethings be strong?

What else is Wisdom? What of Man's endeavor, Or God's high grace so lovely and so great?

To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait?

To hold a hand uplifted over Fate?

And shall not Barbara be loved for ever?24 UNDER SHAFT Euripides mentions Barbara, does he?

CUSINS It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness.

UNDERSHAFT May I ask-as Barbara's father-how much a year she is to be loved for ever on?

CUSINS As Barbara's father, that is more your affair than mine. I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all.

UNDERSHAFT Do you consider it a good match for her?

CUSINS [with polite obstinacy] [with polite obstinacy] Mr. Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I dont like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I dont know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as settled.-Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable? Mr. Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I dont like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I dont know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as settled.-Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable?

UNDERSHAFT You mean that you will stick at nothing: not even the conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos.

CUSINS The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another : what does it matter?

UNDERSHAFT [rising and approaching him] [rising and approaching him] Professor Cusins: you are a young man after my own heart. Professor Cusins: you are a young man after my own heart.

CUSINS Mr. Under shaft : you are, as far as I am able to gather, a most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my sense of ironic humor.

UNDERSHAFT mutely offers his hand. They shake.

UNDERSHAFT [suddenly concentrating himself] [suddenly concentrating himself] And now to business. And now to business.

CUSINS Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business?

UNDERSHAFT Religion is our business at present, because it is through religion alone that we can win Barbara.

CUSINS Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara?

UNDERSHAFT Yes, with a father's love.

CUSINS A father's love for a grown-up daughter is the most dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it.

UNDERSHAFT Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are neither of us Methodists.bf CUSINS That doesnt matter. The power Barbara wields here-the power that wields Barbara herself-is not Calvinism, not Presbyterianism, not Methodism- UNDERSHAFT Not Greek Paganism either, eh?

CUSINS I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion.

UNDERSHAFT [triumphantly] [triumphantly] Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her inspiration comes from within herself. Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her inspiration comes from within herself.

CUSINS How do you suppose it got there?

UNDERSHAFT [in towering excitement] [in towering excitement] It is the Undershaft inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel- It is the Undershaft inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel- CUSINS What! Money and gunpowder!

UNDERSHAFT Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command of life and command of death.

CUSINS [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] This is extremely interesting, Mr. Under shaft. Of course you know that you are mad. This is extremely interesting, Mr. Under shaft. Of course you know that you are mad.

UNDERSHAFT [with redoubled force] [with redoubled force] And you? And you?

CUSINS Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make cannons?

UNDERSHAFT Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now [with surging energy] [with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides? question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides?

CUSINS No.

UNDERSHAFT [seizing him by the shoulder] [seizing him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm? Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm?

CUSINS [reeling before the storm] [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus-Mammoth Millionaire- Father Colossus-Mammoth Millionaire- UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter to-day? Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter to-day?

CUSINS You mean Barbara is as mad as we are!

UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely] [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the [He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob.] mob.]

CUSINS Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love?

UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon? Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon?bg Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army. Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army.

CUSINS Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me, you dont know Barbara.

UNDERSHAFT My friend: I never ask for what I can buy.

CUSINS [in a whitefury [in a whitefury] Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara?

UNDERSHAFT No; but I can buy the Salvation Army.

CUSINS Quite impossible.

UNDERSHAFT You shall see. All religious organizations exist by selling themselves to the rich.

CUSINS Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor.

UNDERSHAFT All the more reason for buying it.

CUSINS I dont think you quite know what the Army does for the poor.

UNDERSHAFT Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me-as a man of business- CUSINS Nonsense. It makes them sober- UNDERSHAFT I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger.

CUSINS-honest- UNDERSHAFT Honest workmen are the most economical.

CUSINS-attached to their homes- UNDERSHAFT So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than change their shop.

CUSINS-happy- UNDERSHAFT An invaluable safeguard against revolution.

CUSINS-unselfish- UNDERSHAFT Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me exactly.

CUSINS-with their thoughts on heavenly things- UNDERSHAFT [rising] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. Excellent.

CUSINS [rented] You really are an infernal old rascal.

UNDERSHAFT [indicating PETER SHIRLEY, who has just come from the shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] [indicating PETER SHIRLEY, who has just come from the shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And this is an honest man! And this is an honest man!

SHIRLEY Yes; and what av I got by it? [He passes on bitterly and sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse.] [He passes on bitterly and sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse.]

SNOBBY PRICE, beaming sanctimoniously, and JENNY HILL, with a tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the drum, on which JENNY begins to count the money. money.

UNDERSHAFT [replying to SHIRLEY] [replying to SHIRLEY] Oh, your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. Oh, your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with one foot on the side form. CUSINS, overwhelmed, sits down on the same form nearer the shelter. BARBARA comes from the shelter to the middle of the yard. She is excited and [He sits on the table, with one foot on the side form. CUSINS, overwhelmed, sits down on the same form nearer the shelter. BARBARA comes from the shelter to the middle of the yard. She is excited and a a little overwrought.] little overwrought.]

BARBARA Weve just had a splendid experience meeting at the other gate in Cripps's lane. Ive hardly ever seen them so much moved as they were by your confession, Mr. Price.

PRICE I could almost be glad of my past wickedness if I could believe that it would elp to keep hathers stright.

BARBARA So it will, Snobby. How much, Jenny?

JENNY Four and tenpence, Major.

BARBARA Oh Snobby, if you had given your poor mother just one more kick, we should have got the whole five shillings!

PRICE If she heard you say that, miss, she'd be sorry I didnt. But I'm glad. Oh what a joy it will be to her when she hears I'm saved!

UNDERSHAFT Shall I contribute the odd twopence, Barbara? The millionaire's mite, eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his pocket. ] The millionaire's mite, eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his pocket. ]

BARBARA How did you make that twopence?

UNDERSHAFT As usual. By selling cannons, torpedoes, submarines, and my new patent Grand Duke hand grenade.

BARBARA Put it back in your pocket. You cant buy your Salvation here for twopence: you must work it out.

UNDERSHAFT Is twopence not enough? I can afford a little more, if you press me.