BARBARA Two million millions would not be enough. There is bad blood on your hands; and nothing but good blood can cleanse them. Money is no use. Take it away. [She turns to CUSINS.] [She turns to CUSINS.] Dolly: you must write another letter for me to the papers. Dolly: you must write another letter for me to the papers. [He makes a wry face. [He makes a wry face.] Yes: I know you. dont like it; but it must be done. The starvation this winter is beating us: everybody is unemployed. The General says we must close this shelter if we cant get more money. I force the collections at the meetings until I am ashamed: dont I, Snobby?

PRICE It's a fair treat to see you work it, Miss. The way you got them up from three-and-six to four-and-ten with that hymn, penny by penny and verse by verse, was a caution. Not a Cheap Jackbh on Mile End Waste could touch you at it. on Mile End Waste could touch you at it.

BARBARA Yes; but I wish we could do without it. I am getting at last to think more of the collection than of the people's souls. And what are those hatfuls of pence and halfpence? We want thousands! tens of thousands! hundreds of thousands! I want to convert people, not to be always begging for the Army in a way I'd die sooner than beg for myself.

UNDERSHAFT [in profound irony] [in profound irony] Genuine unselfishness is capable of anything, my dear. Genuine unselfishness is capable of anything, my dear.

BARBARA [unsuspectingly, [unsuspectingly, as as she turns away to take the money from she turns away to take the money from the drum and put it in a cash bag she carries] Yes, isnt it? [UNDERSHAFT looks sardonically at CUSINS. ] the drum and put it in a cash bag she carries] Yes, isnt it? [UNDERSHAFT looks sardonically at CUSINS. ]

CUSINS [aside to UNDERSHAFT] [aside to UNDERSHAFT] Mephistopheles! Machiavelli! Mephistopheles! Machiavelli!

BARBARA [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and pockets it] [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and pockets it] How are we to feed them? I cant talk religion to a man with bodily hunger in his eyes. How are we to feed them? I cant talk religion to a man with bodily hunger in his eyes. [Almost breaking down.] [Almost breaking down.] It's frightful. It's frightful.

JENNY [running to her] [running to her] Major, dear- Major, dear- BARBARA [rebounding] [rebounding] No, dont comfort me. It will be all right. We shall get the money. No, dont comfort me. It will be all right. We shall get the money.

UNDERSHAFT How?

JENNY By praying for it, of course. Mrs. Baines says she prayed for it last night; and she has never prayed for it in vain: never once. [She goes to the gate and looks out into the street.] [She goes to the gate and looks out into the street.]

BARBARA [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] By the way, dad, Mrs. Baines has come to march with us to our big meeting this afternoon; and she is very anxious to meet you, for some reason or other. Perhaps she'll convert you. By the way, dad, Mrs. Baines has come to march with us to our big meeting this afternoon; and she is very anxious to meet you, for some reason or other. Perhaps she'll convert you.

UNDERSHAFT I shall be delighted, my dear.

JENNY [at the gate: excitedly] [at the gate: excitedly] Major! Major! heres that man back again. Major! Major! heres that man back again.

BARBARA What man?

JENNY The man that hit me. Oh, I hope hes coming back to join us.

BILL WALKER, with frost on his jacket, comes through the gate, his hands deep in his pockets and his chin sunk between his shoulders, like a cleaned-out gambler. He halts between BARBARA and the drum.

BARBARA Hullo, Bill! Back already!

BILL [nagging at her] [nagging at her] Bin talkin ever sence, av you? Bin talkin ever sence, av you?

BARBARA Pretty nearly. Well, has Todger paid you out for poor Jenny's jaw?

BILL No he aint.

BARBARA I thought your jacket looked a bit snowy.

BILL So it is snowy. You want to know where the snow come from, dont you?

BARBARA Yes.

BILL Well, it come from off the ground in Parkinses Corner in Kennintahn. It got rubbed off be my shoulders: see?

BARBARA Pity you didnt rub some off with your knees, Bill! That would have done you a lot of good.

BILL [with sour mirthless humor] [with sour mirthless humor] I was saving another man's knees at the time. E was kneelin on my ed, so e was. I was saving another man's knees at the time. E was kneelin on my ed, so e was.

JENNY Who was kneeling on your head?

BILL Todger was. E was prayin for me: prayin comfortable with me as a carpet. So was Mog. So was the ole bloomin meetin. Mog she sez "O Lord break is stubborn spirit; but dont urt is dear art."That was wot she said. "Dont urt is dear art"! An er bloke-thirteen stun four!-kneelin wiv all is weight on me. Funny, aint it?

JENNY Oh no. We're so sorry, Mr. Walker.

BARBARA [enjoying it franhly] [enjoying it franhly] Nonsense! of course it's funny. Served you right, Bill! You must have done something to him first. Nonsense! of course it's funny. Served you right, Bill! You must have done something to him first.

BILL [doggedly] [doggedly] I did wot I said I'd do. I spit in is eye. E looks up at the sky and sez, "O that I should be fahnd worthy to be spit upon for the gospel's sake!" e sez; an Mog sez "Glory Allel loolier!"; and then e called me Brother, an dahned me as if I was a kid and e was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. I andt just no show wiv im at all. I did wot I said I'd do. I spit in is eye. E looks up at the sky and sez, "O that I should be fahnd worthy to be spit upon for the gospel's sake!" e sez; an Mog sez "Glory Allel loolier!"; and then e called me Brother, an dahned me as if I was a kid and e was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. I andt just no show wiv im at all.bi Arf the street prayed; an the tother arf larfed fit to split theirselves. Arf the street prayed; an the tother arf larfed fit to split theirselves. [To BARBARA.] [To BARBARA.] There! are you settisfawd nah? There! are you settisfawd nah?

BARBARA [her eyes dancing] [her eyes dancing] Wish I'd been there, Bill. Wish I'd been there, Bill.

BILL Yes: youd a got in a hextra bit o talk on me, wouldnt you?

JENNY I'm so sorry, Mr. Walker.

BILL [fiercely] Dont you go bein sorry for me: you've no call. Listen ere. I broke your jawr.

JENNY No, it didnt hurt me: indeed it didnt, except for a moment. It was only that I was frightened.

BILL I dont want to be forgive be you, or be ennybody. Wot I did I'll pay for. I tried to get me own jawr broke to settisfaw you- JENNY [distressed] [distressed] Oh no- Oh no- BILL [impatiently] [impatiently] Tell y'I did: cawnt you listen to wots bein told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public street for me pains. Well, if I cawnt settisfaw you one way, I can another. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved agen the frost; an I've a pahnd of it left. A mate o mine last week ad words with the judy e's goin to marry. E give er wot-for; an e's bin fined fifteen bob. E ad a right to it er because they was goin to be mar-rid ; but I adnt no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob on an call it a pahnd's worth. Tell y'I did: cawnt you listen to wots bein told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public street for me pains. Well, if I cawnt settisfaw you one way, I can another. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved agen the frost; an I've a pahnd of it left. A mate o mine last week ad words with the judy e's goin to marry. E give er wot-for; an e's bin fined fifteen bob. E ad a right to it er because they was goin to be mar-rid ; but I adnt no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob on an call it a pahnd's worth. [He produces a sovereign.] [He produces a sovereign.] Eres the money. Take it; and lets av no more o your forgivin an prayin and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid for; and let there be a end of it. Eres the money. Take it; and lets av no more o your forgivin an prayin and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid for; and let there be a end of it.

JENNY Oh, I couldnt take it, Mr. Walker. But if you would give a shilling or two to poor Rummy Mitchens! you really did hurt her; and shes old.

BILL [contemptuously] [contemptuously] Not likely. I'd give her anather as soon as look at er. Let her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She aint forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd-wot she Not likely. I'd give her anather as soon as look at er. Let her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She aint forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd-wot she [indicating BARBARA] [indicating BARBARA] might call on me conscience-no more than stickin a pig. It's this Christian game o yours that I wont av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an naggin an jawrin that makes a man that sore that iz lawf's a burdn to im. I wont av it, I tell you; so take your money and stop throwin your silly bashed face hup agen me. might call on me conscience-no more than stickin a pig. It's this Christian game o yours that I wont av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an naggin an jawrin that makes a man that sore that iz lawf's a burdn to im. I wont av it, I tell you; so take your money and stop throwin your silly bashed face hup agen me.

JENNY Major: may I take a little of it for the Army?

BARBARA No: the Army is not to be bought. We want your soul, Bill; and we'll take nothing less.

BILL [bitterly] [bitterly] I know. It aint enough. Me an me few shillins is not good enough for you. Youre a earl's grendorter, you are. Nothin less than a underd pahnd for you. I know. It aint enough. Me an me few shillins is not good enough for you. Youre a earl's grendorter, you are. Nothin less than a underd pahnd for you.

UNDERSHAFT Come, Barbara! you could do a great deal of good with a hundred pounds. If you will set this gentleman's mind at ease by taking his pound, I will give the other ninety-nine. [Bill, astounded by such opulence, instinctively touches his cap.] [Bill, astounded by such opulence, instinctively touches his cap.]

BARBARA Oh, youre too extravagant, papa. Bill offers twenty pieces of silver. All you need offer is the other ten. That will make the standard price to buy anybody who's for sale. I'm not; and the Army's not.25 [To [To BILL. BILL. ] Youll never have another quiet moment, Bill, until you come round to us. You cant stand out against your salvation. ] Youll never have another quiet moment, Bill, until you come round to us. You cant stand out against your salvation.

BILL [sullenly] [sullenly] I cawnt stend aht agen music-all wrastlers and artful tongued women. I've offered to pay. I can do no more. Take it or leave it. There it is. [He throws the sovereign on the I cawnt stend aht agen music-all wrastlers and artful tongued women. I've offered to pay. I can do no more. Take it or leave it. There it is. [He throws the sovereign on the drum, and sits down on the horse-trough. The coin fascinates SNOBBY PRICE, who takes an early opportunity of dropping his cap on it.] MRS. BAINES comes from the shelter. She is dressed as a Salvation Army Commissioner. She is an earnest looking woman of about 40, with a caressing, urgent voice, and an appealing manner. drum, and sits down on the horse-trough. The coin fascinates SNOBBY PRICE, who takes an early opportunity of dropping his cap on it.] MRS. BAINES comes from the shelter. She is dressed as a Salvation Army Commissioner. She is an earnest looking woman of about 40, with a caressing, urgent voice, and an appealing manner.

BARBARA This is my father, Mrs. Baines. [UNDERSHAFT comes from the table, taking his hat off with marked civility. [UNDERSHAFT comes from the table, taking his hat off with marked civility.] Try what you can do with him. He wont listen to me, because he remembers what a fool I was when I was a baby. [She leaves them together and chats with JENNY. ] [She leaves them together and chats with JENNY. ]

MRS. BAINES Have you been shewn over the shelter, Mr. Undershaft ?You know the work we're doing, of course.

UNDERSHAFT [very civilly] [very civilly] The whole nation knows it, Mrs. Baines. The whole nation knows it, Mrs. Baines.

MRS. BAINES No, sir: the whole nation does not know it, or we should not be crippled as we are for want of money to carry our work through the length and breadth of the land. Let me tell you that there would have been rioting this winter in London but for us.

UNDERSHAFT You really think so?

MRS. BAINES I know it. I remember 1886, when you rich gentlemen hardened your hearts against the cry of the poor. They broke the windows of your clubs in Pall Mall.

UNDER SHAFT [gleaming with approval of their method] [gleaming with approval of their method] And the Mansion House Fund And the Mansion House Fundbj went up next day from thirty thousand pounds to seventy-nine thousand! I remember quite well. went up next day from thirty thousand pounds to seventy-nine thousand! I remember quite well.

MRS. BAINES Well, wont you help me to get at the people? They wont break windows then. Come here, Price. Let me shew you to this gentleman. [PRICE comes to be inspected.] Do you remember the window breaking?

PRICE My ole father thought it was the revolution, maam .

MRS. BAINES Would you break windows now?

PRICE Oh no maam. The windows of eaven av bin opened to me. I know now that the rich man is a sinner like myself.

RUMMY [appearing above at the loft door] [appearing above at the loft door] Snobby Price! Snobby Price!

SNOBBY Wot is it?

RUMMY Your mother's askin for you at the other gate in Crippses Lane. She's heard about your confession [PRICE turns pale] . [PRICE turns pale] .

MRS. BAINES Go, Mr. Price; and pray with her.

JENNY You can go through the shelter, Snobby.

PRICE [to MRS. BAINES] [to MRS. BAINES] I couldnt face her now, maam, with all the weight of my sins fresh on me. Tell her she'll find her son at ome, waitin for her in prayer. I couldnt face her now, maam, with all the weight of my sins fresh on me. Tell her she'll find her son at ome, waitin for her in prayer. [He skulks off through the gate, incidentally stealing the sovereign on his way out by picking up his cap from the drum.] [He skulks off through the gate, incidentally stealing the sovereign on his way out by picking up his cap from the drum.]26 MRS. BAINES [with swimming eyes] [with swimming eyes] You see how we take the anger and the bitterness against you out of their hearts, Mr. Under shaft. You see how we take the anger and the bitterness against you out of their hearts, Mr. Under shaft.

UNDERSHAFT It is certainly most convenient and gratifying to all large employers of labor, Mrs. Baines.

MRS. BAINES Barbara: Jenny: I have good news: most wonderful news. [JENNY runs to her.] [JENNY runs to her.] My prayers have been answered. I told you they would, Jenny, didn't I? My prayers have been answered. I told you they would, Jenny, didn't I?

JENNY Yes, yes.

BARBARA [moving nearer to the drum] [moving nearer to the drum] Have we got money enough to keep the shelter open? Have we got money enough to keep the shelter open?

MRS. BAINES I hope we shall have enough to keep all the shelters open. Lord Saxmundham has promised us five thousand pounds- BARBARA Hooray!

JENNY Glory!

MRS. BAINES-if- BARBARA "If!" If what?

MRS. BAINES-if five other gentlemen will give a thousand each to make it up to ten thousand.

BARBARA Who is Lord Saxmundham? I never heard of him.

UNDERSHAFT [who has pricked up his ears at the peer's name, and is now watching BARBARA curiously] [who has pricked up his ears at the peer's name, and is now watching BARBARA curiously] A new creation, my dear. You have heard of Sir Horace Bodger? A new creation, my dear. You have heard of Sir Horace Bodger?

BARBARA Bodger! Do you mean the distiller? Bodger's whisky!

UNDERSHAFT That is the man. He is one of the greatest of our public benefactors. He restored the cathedral at Haking ton. They made him a baronet for that. He gave half a million to the funds of his party: they made him a baron for that.

SHIRLEY What will they give him for the five thousand?

UNDERSHAFT There is nothing left to give him . So the five thousand, I should think, is to save his soul.

MRS. BAINES Heaven grant it may! Oh Mr. Undershaft, you have some very rich friends. Cant you help us towards the other five thousand? We are going to hold a great meeting this afternoon at the Assembly Hall in the Mile End Road. If I could only announce that one gentleman had come forward to support Lord Saxmundham, others would follow. Dont you know somebody? couldnt you? wouldnt you? [her eyes fill with tears] [her eyes fill with tears] oh, think of those poor people, Mr. Undershaft: think of how much it means to them, and how little to a great man like you. oh, think of those poor people, Mr. Undershaft: think of how much it means to them, and how little to a great man like you.

UNDERSHAFT [sardonicalty gallant] [sardonicalty gallant] Mrs. Baines: you are irresistible. I cant disappoint you; and I cant deny myself the satisfaction of making Bodger pay up. You shall have your five thousand pounds. Mrs. Baines: you are irresistible. I cant disappoint you; and I cant deny myself the satisfaction of making Bodger pay up. You shall have your five thousand pounds.

MRS. BAINES Thank God!

UNDERSHAFT You dont thank m e?

MRS. BAINES Oh sir, dont try to be cynical: dont be ashamed of being a good man. The Lord will bless you abundantly; and our prayers will be like a strong fortification round you all the days of your life. [With a touch of caution. [With a touch of caution.] You will let me have the cheque to shew at the meeting, wont you? Jenny: go in and fetch a pen and ink. [JENNY runs to the shelter door.]

UNDERSHAFT Do not disturb Miss Hill: I have a fountain pen. [JENNY halts. He sits at the table and writes the cheque. CUSINS rises to make more room for him. They all watch him silentty.]

BILL [cynically, aside to BARBARA, his voice and accent horribly debased] [cynically, aside to BARBARA, his voice and accent horribly debased] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? Wot prawce Selvytion nah?

BARBARA Stop. [UNDERSHAFT stops writing: they all turn to her in surprise. [UNDERSHAFT stops writing: they all turn to her in surprise.] Mrs. Baines: are you really going to take this money?

MRS. BAINES [astonished] [astonished] Why not, dear? Why not, dear?

BARBARA Why not! Do you know what my father is? Have you forgotten that Lord Saxmundham is Bodger the whisky man? Do you remember how we implored the County Council to stop him from writing Bodger's Whisky in letters of fire against the sky; so that the poor drink-ruined creatures on the embankment could not wake up from their snatches of sleep without being reminded of their deadly thirst by that wicked sky sign? Do you know that the worst thing I have had to fight here is not the devil, but Bodger, Bodger, Bodger, with his whisky, his distilleries, and his tied houses?bk Are you going to make our shelter another tied house for him, and ask me to keep it? Are you going to make our shelter another tied house for him, and ask me to keep it?

BILL Rotten drunken whisky it is too.

MRS. BAINES Dear Barbara: Lord Saxmundham has a soul to be saved like any of us. If heaven has found the way to make a good use of his money, are we to set ourselves up against the answer to our prayers?

BARBARA I know he has a soul to be saved. Let him come down here; and I'll do my best to help him to his salvation. But he wants to send his cheque down to buy us, and go on being as wicked as ever.

UNDERSHAFT [with a reasonableness which CUSINS alone perceives to be ironical] [with a reasonableness which CUSINS alone perceives to be ironical] My dear Barbara: alcohol is a very necessary article. It heals the sick- My dear Barbara: alcohol is a very necessary article. It heals the sick- BARBARA It does nothing of the sort.

UNDERSHAFT Well, it assists the doctor: that is perhaps a less questionable way of putting it. It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. Is it Bodger's fault that this inestimable gift is deplorably abused by less than one per cent of the poor? [He turns again to the table; signs the cheque; and crosses it.] [He turns again to the table; signs the cheque; and crosses it.]

MRS. BAINES Barbara: will there be less drinking or more if all those poor souls we are saving come to-morrow and find the doors of our shelters shut in their faces? Lord Saxmundham gives us the money to stop drinking-to take his own business from him.

CUSINS [impishly] [impishly] Pure self-sacrifice on Bodger's part, clearly! Bless dear Bodger! Pure self-sacrifice on Bodger's part, clearly! Bless dear Bodger! [BARBARA almost breaks down as ADOLPHUS, too, fails her. [BARBARA almost breaks down as ADOLPHUS, too, fails her.]

UNDERSHAFT [tearing out the cheque and pocketing the book as he rises and goes past CUSINS to MRS. BAINES] I also, Mrs. Baines, may claim a little disinterestedness. Think of my business! think of the widows and orphans! the men and lads torn to pieces with shrapnel and poisoned with lyddite I also, Mrs. Baines, may claim a little disinterestedness. Think of my business! think of the widows and orphans! the men and lads torn to pieces with shrapnel and poisoned with lydditebl [MRS. BAINES shrinks; but he goes on remorsely]! [MRS. BAINES shrinks; but he goes on remorsely]! the oceans of blood, not one drop of which is shed in a really just cause! the ravaged crops! the peaceful peasants forced, women and men, to till their fields under the fire of opposing armies on pain of starvation! the bad blood of the fierce little cowards at home who egg on others to fight for the gratification of their national vanity! All this makes money for me: I am never richer, never busier than when the papers are full of it. Well, it is your work to preach peace on earth and goodwill to men. the oceans of blood, not one drop of which is shed in a really just cause! the ravaged crops! the peaceful peasants forced, women and men, to till their fields under the fire of opposing armies on pain of starvation! the bad blood of the fierce little cowards at home who egg on others to fight for the gratification of their national vanity! All this makes money for me: I am never richer, never busier than when the papers are full of it. Well, it is your work to preach peace on earth and goodwill to men. [MRS. BAINES's face lights up again.] [MRS. BAINES's face lights up again.] Every convert you make is a vote against war. Every convert you make is a vote against war. [Her lips move in prayer. [Her lips move in prayer. ] Yet I give you this money to help you to hasten my own commercial ruin. ] Yet I give you this money to help you to hasten my own commercial ruin. [He gives her the cheque. ] [He gives her the cheque. ]

CUSINS [mounting the form in an ecstasy of mischief [mounting the form in an ecstasy of mischief] The millennium will be inaugurated by the unselfishness of Undershaft and Bodger. Oh be joyful! [He takes the drumsticks from his pockets [He takes the drumsticks from his pockets and and flourishes them.] flourishes them.]

MRS. BAINES [taking the cheque] [taking the cheque] The longer I live the more proof I see that there is an Infinite Goodness that turns everything to the work of salvation sooner or later. Who would have thought that any good could have come out of war and drink? And yet their profits are brought today to the feet of salvation to do its blessed work. The longer I live the more proof I see that there is an Infinite Goodness that turns everything to the work of salvation sooner or later. Who would have thought that any good could have come out of war and drink? And yet their profits are brought today to the feet of salvation to do its blessed work. [She is affected to tears. [She is affected to tears.]

JENNY [running to MRS. BAINES and throwing her arms round her] [running to MRS. BAINES and throwing her arms round her] Oh dear! how blessed, how glorious it all is! Oh dear! how blessed, how glorious it all is!

CUSINS [in a convulsion of irony] [in a convulsion of irony] Let us seize this unspeakable moment. Let us march to the great meeting at once. Excuse me just an instant. Let us seize this unspeakable moment. Let us march to the great meeting at once. Excuse me just an instant. [He rushes into the shelter. JENNY takes her tambourine from the drum head.] [He rushes into the shelter. JENNY takes her tambourine from the drum head.]

MRS. BAINES Mr. Under shaft : have you ever seen a thousand people fall on their knees with one impulse and pray? Come with us to the meeting. Barbara shall tell them that the Army is saved, and saved through you.

CUSINS [returning impetuously from the shelter with a, flag and a trombone, and coming between MRS. BAINES and UNDERSHAFT] [returning impetuously from the shelter with a, flag and a trombone, and coming between MRS. BAINES and UNDERSHAFT] You shall carry the flag down the first street, Mrs. Baines You shall carry the flag down the first street, Mrs. Baines [he gives her the flag [he gives her the flag]. Mr. Undershaft is a gifted trombonist: he shall intone an Olympian diapason to the West Ham Salvation March. [Aside to UNDERSHAFT, as he forces the trombone on him.] [Aside to UNDERSHAFT, as he forces the trombone on him.] Blow, Machiavelli, blow. Blow, Machiavelli, blow.