I was dying, being slain by a new brand of ecstasy.

When she came back up, my hand touched her hair, hair that I held in my hands as her mouth went to my breasts. The shock of her mouth on my burning flesh made me jerk, made my knees grow weaker. She nursed my breasts. Nurtured my breasts. She became a baby being nursed by her mother.

Her other hand went between my legs.

Kiki Sunshine's fingers tried to work their way inside me.

A woman's fingers were on my wetness, trying to finger-fuck me.

I jerked, tensed, took a breath and relaxed, let inhibitions and forbidden feelings go.

I took a deep breath and moved my legs, allowed her fingers to find their way in my wetness. I was so wet it was embarrassing, ashamed because she would know this wetness was for her, because of her. She touched me there, her fingers tracing my fleshy folds, and I held her close to me. Held her and breathed on her warm skin. The sense of this being taboo heightened every sensation.

Butterflies invaded my stomach. The same nervous ness I had the first time I had sex, those virgin-like sensations were alive inside me. Her touch was sensual, more erotic than any man's touch I had ever experienced. She touched me like she understood. All sorts of thoughts went through my head. What if she told someone? Women were territorial and vindictive and possessive. Women were emotional. I was emotional. I wanted this favor, but I didn't want her love, not the way I wanted it from a man. I had heard it was different with a bi woman. But a lesbian would claim you, same as a man.

I opened my eyes, found us in a mirror. Saw that I was being touched by a woman. A woman's arm was working back and forth in slow motion, her fingers moving like lingam. I tensed, closed my eyes. Needed to relax. Needed to trust. Kiki Sunshine had lied a wonderful lie. We all lied about things small and large. We all lied in order to not reveal our true selves. Kiki Sunshine had led me to believe she had never pleased a woman. Her touch. The way she knew how to seduce. That was her tell. She had experience doing this. She knew how to make this situation work. I needed to stop thinking, just let her guide me through this sexual encounter. I wasn't this tense the first time I gave myself to a man.

I didn't know how to touch a woman, how to give sex and plea sure and ecstasy and orgasm to a woman. Didn't know who was supposed to do what to whom. These feelings were different. A different set of sexual feelings. A new set of emotions.

She touched my chin with her hand, brought my eyes to hers, checking on me.

Despite my shivering, my shuddering, my moaning, I nodded that I was okay.

She smiled at me, rubbed my hair.

So unrushed. So unlike the first time I was with a man.

This was about me.

She had made this moment all about me.

She eased me down to the floor, down on the carpet, opened my legs and moved her mouth and tongue across my belly, made a trail toward my yoni. My shivers increased, the shivers of fear, the shivers of excitement, the shivers of anticipation. Tried not to tense, but I did tense. First I felt her breath. Her gentle exhales blew on my opening, that warm stream being the herald to what was about to come. She licked me. My ass clenched. She gave me another lingering lick.

I had to ask myself if this was really happening. Was I dreaming? Was I still out on the hot streets of Greensboro and this was my imagination taking over after I'd had heatstroke?

My hands went to Kiki Sunshine's red hair. My fingers played in her hair.

I touched her face.

This was real.

That beautiful woman born in Brazil licked me, and licked me, and licked me.

A woman was tasting my yoni. A woman had her tongue inside my yoni.

Oh God.

She licked me like she knew the way I was designed, like she knew how to move plea sure from my labia majora to my labia minora. She licked me like she had invented the clitoris. Even if she stopped now, it was done. If she never licked me again, I had done this thing. She licked me again and again. Each lick brought a brand new singsong moan, a new shudder. Then she came up over me, her nails tracing my skin, her mouth back on my breasts, then she kissed down my belly, slid her tongue down my hips.

I moaned. "You've done this before."

"I dabbled."

"Thought you said your lover wouldn't let you please her."

"She didn't."

"You dabbled with other people."

"I dabbled a few times."

"Did what you had to do."

"Yeah. Did what I had to do."

After that there were no more words. Just the language that was spoken with moans.

Kiki Sunshine's lovemaking radiated elegance, beauty, and sensuality.

Her body was so hot, so light. I touched her face. Touched her breasts. She moaned as soon as my hands touched her. She wanted to feel me on her skin. She was sensitive. Very sensitive.

She led me, positioned me, her head near my feet as she put one leg between my legs, scooted down until our yonis kissed, sucked my toes and did a slow grind, made me feel so good, made me show her how a girl from the island did a slow wine, made me show her how to do isolations and make hip rolls. Kiki Sunshine moaned for me, her Southern moans breathy, the Brazilian in her blood percolating, rising in her wonderful song. She stopped sucking my toes and started sucking her own breasts, turning me on in a different way, exciting me and inspiring me to suck my own breast while I rolled into her, while I wined into her, while I grinded into her, while I moved against her as she moved against me.

The mutual stimulation, this pace, this level of attention, this type of loving was so new, so different from being with a man, the way we were grinding our vulvas together, the way my yoni was talking to another yoni, kissing another yoni, sharing wetness with another yoni, it was so unreal.

Couldn't believe I was doing this.

As I moaned, as she moaned, weird thoughts went through my mind. A woman was singing a sensual song with me, a woman was writhing because of me, and I was singing because of a woman. A woman was having a spiritual experience, being familiar with me, bonding with my body. It felt like we were one. Our chants felt like they came from the same feminine place. Our sounds were like those of the same cat, using both sets of vocal cords at once. Wetness against wetness, we moved in unison, squirmed together like we were swimming naked across a lake made of light-brown carpet.

I knew a man's come was strong. A man's orgasm was brutal. A man's plea sure was violence.

A woman's orgasm was the sweetest nectar.

Another curiosity rose inside me.

A curiosity that wanted me to experience the five senses of this illicit moment.

I had relaxed into this experience. I wasn't intimidated. Not like I thought I would be.

There was something erotic about knowing she could please me, make love to me, make me come without ever penetrating me, without fucking me, not the way a man entered and opened a woman.

She changed positions, and I moved toward her as she pulled her loose hair back, was curious how she would feel in my hand. I remembered what she had said. How her female lover used to put three fingers inside her. I wanted to do that to her. Wanted to put three fingers inside her and cup them, do to her what had been done to me by men. As soon as I rubbed her, she jerked hard, like a man who wanted a woman with so much urgency that the moment he was with her in a sexual way, he was so turned on his orgasm overwhelmed him too fast. Kiki Sunshine moaned, held my hand where it was, her orgasm rising to the surface of her being, her face cringing, begging for her orgasm to be released.

I moaned. What I saw, what I heard, what I felt, those sensations made me moan.

Kiki Sunshine was so wet, wet because of me, wet for me, so soft, so swollen. I touched and massaged her, put three fingers inside her and she jerked like the Holy Spirit was going through her body.

Kiki Sunshine was coming for me.

Her orgasm looked painful, excruciating, and marvelous all at once. Her eyes widened like those of an ostrich, and that almost scared me. In the next instant her eyes closed tight. She came praising the King of the Jews and calling my name, my name being moaned louder than the former.

As her orgasm died, she kissed my body in appreciation, went down on me in gratitude.

She licked my yoni and I moved slow and gentle, back arched, my body rose, levitated, like a tidal wave was lifting me up, rushing me back to shore. I didn't want to surrender, didn't want to moan for a woman, but I moaned as that wave carried me, moaned and reached for something to steady myself, grabbed air at first, hands searching until I reached down and grabbed carpet, did that as my other hand found Kiki Sunshine's hair, her long red hair, hair that I used to pull her tongue and mouth deeper into me, encouraged her tongue to go deeper inside me, a tongue that was softer and smaller than a man's tongue, but it was a tongue that was familiar with the workings of a clitoris, a tongue that moved around my yoni in circles, first clockwise, then counterclockwise, a tongue working with small lips that knew how to suck yoni lips, knew how to be gentle with yoni lips, how to be firm with yoni lips, lips and a tongue that knew how to make wicked plea sure surge through my body, a surge that made me moan and twitch like I was being struck by little bolts of lightning, each bolt bringing a new level of plea sure, plea sure that made me so damn wet and set me on fire all at once.

I thought it would be disgusting. Maybe I thought some negative switch inside me would kick in. Maybe I wanted it to be bad so I could say that I had tried it and it was appalling. But it wasn't. It was beautiful, felt wonderful in a different way. I didn't expect it to be breathtaking.

I clenched my teeth, her tongue moving in time with my yoni.

I moaned the sweetest moan as her thin finger entered me, as it made slow, easy movements. In the next moment two small fingers were inside me. My yoni opened up, my singsong hum revealed my excitement, asked for more. She slid three inside me. My singsong moan, so melodic. Fingers moved with an in-and-out rhythm, an unrushed rhythm. She made sweet come-here motions, cupped me, made me writhe and gasp, touched me in the same way I imagined her former lady love used to caress her.

I came, the sensation, the release coming from deep within, escaping every pore.

Her touch made me come in a way I didn't understand.

I came and she held me until I was done coming.

My orgasm was so intense it embarrassed me, yet it left me shivering and enthralled.

She held me and blew her cooling breath over my burning skin.

My leg refused to stop shaking, refused to ease my shame at coming like this, for a woman.

I was having an orgasm with a woman.

I took a deep breath, took a ragged breath, surrendered, felt heady.

In that moment, I understood how it was so easy to mistake orgasm for love.

TWENTY.

We sat in the darkness of her apartment, senses returning, jazz on, air-conditioner humming, her melon and jasmine smell turning me on, absorbed that moment without talking, our breathing erratic, but calming down, the overwhelming power of my female-induced orgasm at last relinquishing control.

The lips of her yoni were puffy.

Mine were swollen as well.

My hymen was long gone, but it felt like Kiki Sunshine had popped my cherry.

The bag she had taken on her photo shoot, it was on the kitchen table. So was the box made for Dom Perignon. I went to the box, opened it up, took out her pink toy. It felt real in my hand, like it was made from real skin, had weight, firm without feeling too hard. It felt like a man. With a brief smile I went back to where she lay on the floor. I took control, spread her legs. I was in control of her body. She had surrendered herself to me. That excited me and once again I was nervous.

I had never been with a woman and all I knew was what a man had done to me, all I could relate to was the sensations I had experienced when a man touched me, when a man aroused me, when a man made me feel good, when I made a man feel good. There was no penis to suck and lick, only the mirror image of what I possessed, a duplication of my own femininity.

I gave her what I had learned, shared with her the knowledge and experiences I had acquired from other lovers. I did to her what I imagined, what I loved a man to do to me in my surrender.

I gave her my fingers first. Did what an old lover used to do to me, used my pointer and middle finger, put those inside her yoni, did that as I slipped my pinky in her ass.

Shock was the expression she wore. Shock and plea sure. Kiki Sunshine went wild.

She closed her legs tight on my hand, locked my fingers where they were. She trembled and moved with my fingers as I struggled to stimulate her clitoris and finger-fuck her asshole all at once. What I was doing turned her on. And that achievement, that ability to please turned me on just as much. I watched her grab at the carpet and tremble, watched her in amazement.

Her orgasm was more than an orgasm. It was a total release. I felt her happiness harden her clitoris and at the same time her moans released her deep-rooted pain and sacrifice. She moaned and every sound made sense to me, and in between her moans I felt her thoughts, thoughts that told of her search for love, for a husband, for children, for family, and how that quest had left her disappointed and afraid. I felt emotional. I understood her and became emotional.

Too emotional.

I took my fingers away.

Left her squirming and panting for her yoni to be filled. I couldn't abandon her, not like that. I rubbed her toy against her skin, teased her with her vibrator. I pushed her legs open again, put the tip of the toy against her opening.

She moaned.

I eased her toy inside her a little at a time, watched her respond to that type of penetration. The type a man would give her. The type I was used to.

I moved the pink toy inside her pinkness in increments. Eased her toy inside her with respect. Eased inside her in a way that let her know I'd stop when she wanted me to stop.

Her body language begged for more. Her continuous moans were expressing much excitement. I gave her a little more. She begged with moans and squirms, set free so many onomatopoeias. A little more slipped inside her. I moved it around. Gave her a little more. Moved it around. Gave and moved, complied with her moans until there wasn't another inch of vibrator to give.

In and out I moved it slow, never taking more than half away from her, moved it while she moved against my motions. Her hands came up to her face. She covered her eyes and chewed at her lips. Her sexual tension was working its way out of her body. She moaned loud enough to stir the neighbors. She moaned like she didn't care who heard. She spread open her eagle wings like she was ready to fly. It was time for her back to arch. Time for her insanity to take root. Her turn to grab handfuls of carpet. She shuddered. Her mouth hung open as her legs stiffened, as her ass tightened, as the start of an orgasmic hum grew inside her body. Her toes curled. Her breath caught in her throat.

I moved it in and out of her until my hand grew tired, then switched hands.

She cried, those cries telling me how good I was making her feel. Her pleading eyes filled with tears. And those tears rolled down her cheeks.

I moved the vibrator in and out of her. She bucked against my hand, against her toy. Her expression was so passionate. So beautiful.

Her orgasm was violent and gorgeous, her yoni becoming fire in my hand, her back arching as the tidal wave of plea sure she was riding became a tsunami. A beautiful tsunami.

She came as if doing things taboo magnified her orgasm.

She came as if wrongness magnified her plea sure.

Kiki Sunshine came as if she was once again with Yasamin Kincade.

I smiled.

It didn't matter why she came the way she came, with such power and absoluteness.

I'd made a woman reach the ultimate plea sure. I'd danced with her spirits. I had made Kiki Sunshine experience nirvana. I'd made her experience a release to reckon with. I'd given her a clitoral orgasm. I'd stimulated her yoni and ass at the same time. I'd given her a vaginal orgasm.

I stopped vibrator-loving her, put her toy to the side.