Thoughts remained uncontrollable, unsteerable, mental needs unrequited.

I dried Karl off with a towel. He went to the computer to handle his work. I put on lotion and then dressed in my running shorts, sports bra, and T-shirt. Karl put on jeans and a T-shirt, no shoes.

I hid behind a smile. A deceptive smile. A smile masked so many things, kept thoughts and intents unknown. Living in L.A., the land of pretentiousness and falsehoods, watching my mother interact with Hollywood, the land of a thousand smiles, the land of backstabbers, I learned the value of a smile.

I dug inside my backpack and took out my laptop so I could get online. Not being connected to the Internet was aggravating. It was addictive. I tried to give up the habit. I failed miserably.

There was an e-mail from Mr. Overworked and Underpaid New York Editor. Forwarded jokes from my mother, the Queen of Forwarded Messages. E-mails from Web sites offering me Viagra at a discount and penis enlargement. That's what I get for going to porn sites on nights I needed visual stimulation. I had at least ten e-mails from Logan. I deleted Logan's e-mails without opening them.

I checked my messages. Special Delivery's song "I Destroyed Your Love" had been left on my voice mail. The entire song, parts one and two, all six minutes played as Logan sang along. The singer telling the world that since his woman left him, all he felt was emptiness and pain from losing her.

That stressed me out. Tried not to let it show. But that bullshit stressed me out.

Logan created no fantasies. None that didn't involve restraining orders or paid-for violence.

The television was on local news. Vandals had terrorized downtown Reidsville, surveillance cameras were being installed. A North Carolina man who was on trial for killing his father wouldn't have to face the death penalty. Bad news plagued the mean world. None of it seemed as important as my personal problems.

I went over to Karl. He had hooked his Nikon up to his iMac, was downloading images of Kiki Sunshine, the shots taken in the woods, her naked, artistic, sweating, provocative. She was a pretty woman. Uninhibited and secretive all at once. Mysterious. Like Josephine Baker. Her images were bold. Like she loved herself so much she didn't care what anyone else thought. Staring at her images derailed the aggravation Logan's message had caused. The images went by on Karl's computer, hypnotizing me, trapping me where I stood. My breasts felt heavy, swollen. Despite the air conditioner being on high, I felt my skin change from warm to hot. Urges rose. Those urges created distress.

She had put that card in my hand, expressed her desire for me, simple words expressing her need to share with me her secrets, she had awakened a new kind of curiosity, magnified my frustration.

I had to pump my brakes, control my libido, not let this new inquisitiveness control me.

Karl glanced back, saw me standing, looking over his shoulder. He turned to grin at me and I shifted away, moved my eyes away from the images that were going by on his computer screen.

He asked, "Which way are you running?"

"Not sure." I swallowed, adjusted my sports bra. "Any suggestions?"

"How long or far you want to run?"

"At least an hour."

He told me a route that would take me around the area, down Guilford College Road to West Friendly and back up to Wendover. Or I could do the reverse, jog Wendover to Friendly.

He asked, "In case anything happens, like heatstroke, which direction are you heading?"

"Guess I'll jog toward Guilford College Road."

"Toward Kiki Sunshine's apartment."

I lowered my eyes. It was as if Karl was reading my thoughts, my struggle feeling transparent. As if picking my direction to run was more of a metaphor than a geographical choice.

A year ago I never would have imagined I would be doing the things I was doing now.

Karl said, "If you run that way you start off with downhill. More shade that way."

"Yeah. More shade." I shrugged like I hadn't thought about that. "Yeah, I'll run that way."

"Sun should be going down by the time you get down to Friendly and Wendover."

After I stretched, I did a slow trot out of the hotel parking lot, heavy thoughts slowing my stride. I went to the left and jogged down Big Tree Way, again passing Georgetown Square, the Camden, Extended Stay, a small park, and then I was in front of Hunter's Chase.

I paused at the driveway, gazed toward building K.

Madness and sanity battled inside my body.

I was contemplating, intrigued, attracted to the thought of crossing new boundaries.

This was a city where no one knew me. Kiki Sunshine was someone I'd never cross paths with again. She was a face I'd never have to see again. She was a stranger. I'd leave Greensboro late to night, maybe in the morning. And I'd never have to come back this way again. Would never have to see Kiki Sunshine again. There was safety in knowing that anything I did would be deniable.

I shook my head. It wasn't going to happen.

I refused to be a slave to what she had stirred up inside me.

I kept going, left any feelings and fantasies I had behind, ran toward Guilford College Road, but only made it a quarter of a mile before I slowed down, before I stopped running.

My throbbing made my legs heavy, refused to let me move another step.

Unless I turned around.

I looked back toward Hunter's Chase.

I struggled.

I bent over like I had run a hundred miles, face cringed, hands on knees, panting like I was being attacked by emphysema. Hands on my hips, I stood up, put my hands on my hips, eyes closed until my breathing evened out.

You're irresistible. I want to please you.

I ran back toward the Hilton Garden Inn. Ran back to be in the room with Karl. Ran back to a man who looked like Mark. Ran back toward tattoos and broad shoulders, ran toward strong arms.

But I didn't make it beyond Hunter's Chase.

Maybe like Anais, it was not one, but my combined love affairs, my combined friendships, my passion and desires, maybe all of that combined defined me as a woman.

Defined me as Nia Simone. I was a unique woman. I was me. My experiences my own.

I walked inside Hunter's Chase. Went toward building K.

Forever went by as I climbed three flights of stairs. I climbed her stairs like I was hiking up a mountain in search of the gates of truth. Truth had its own watch. I climbed after Kiki Sunshine the same way Mark's and Karl's desire and curiosity had compelled them to come and find me, as if I held their truths. Now I stood at Kiki Sunshine's door winded and humbled, as if I had come in supplication, aching for answers, my eyes beseeching her tolerance, in need of answers to questions only she could reveal.

I rang the doorbell. I lost my breath. My nipples hardened. My heart wanted to explode.

One thousand one.

One thousand two.

One thousand three.

One thousand...

The door opened and there stood Kiki Sunshine.

Skin damp, water dripping from her skin, a towel around her body.

Behind her was the sound of jazz and her shower was still running.

The scent of her melon and jasmine body wash filling up one of my senses.

Our eyes met.

She stared at me. A deity stared at me, a woman who felt like a humbled mortal.

I waited for her to accept or reject me.

That rejection could come with a laugh, a shaking of the head, or the slamming of her door.

Forever went by as she studied me, as she evaluated me.

I waited for her to determine whether or not I was worthy.

One thousand one.

One thousand two.

One thousand three.

Kiki Sunshine extended her hand.

Boulders rolled away from my shoulders and I lifted my arm, gave her my flesh.

When our flesh made contact, my flesh became her flesh; what ever she held belonged to her.

NINETEEN.

Kiki Sunshine darkened the apartment, pulled the shades, then faced me.

Kiki Sunshine dropped her towel, unwrapped herself, humbled herself as if she was making an offering to a queen. She showed me her nakedness. Same breathtaking body I'd seen in the forest, only different now. She wore no makeup, no mask, stood before me as her true self, naked for me.

I swallowed.

She smiled.

She came to me, her fingers touching my erect nipples, traced both at the same time.

Kiki Sunshine leaned into me, put her warm breath on my neck, her tongue and her teeth on my skin. Her mouth was small, delicate, gentle, the sensation causing me to shiver.

She stopped, withdrew her mouth from mine, smiled at my longing.

Kiki Sunshine went to the bathroom, turned off the shower, and when she came to me, again she touched me, this time touching my face with the back of her hand before putting her mouth to mine.

My mouth opened. With ragged breathing, as I shivered, I offered her my tongue.

The first kiss was on the horizon. A girl was about to kiss me in a sexual way.

A woman was about to add the sum of me to her experience.

And I was about to add the sum of her to mine.

Her tongue eased inside my mouth.

I was a shipwreck, the shivering refusing to end, my breathing refusing to calm.

I slowed down. I tasted her. I tasted Kiki Sunshine. I tasted another woman. Sweet tongue, slight minty taste. She touched my face with the tips of her fingers, sucked my lips, kissed me again. She was tender with me. It wasn't like kissing a man. Her lips were softer, no facial hair, she held me in a different way, softer, gentler, not aggressive, as if she was paying attention to how I felt, worried about my happiness, my pleasure. Her taste, it was warmer, a warm feeling that was hard to describe, her tongue was warmer, as warm as her fevered skin that was rubbing against my body.

She began undressing me.

This was very different. Being undressed by a woman. Very different.

She pulled my T-shirt over my head.

I hadn't been drinking.

She took my sports bra off.

I was fully aware.

She smiled at my breasts.

There was nothing in my blood to dull my senses.

I kicked off my running shoes.

There was nothing in my body to cause me to forget any individual moment.

She pulled off my running pants and pan ties.

A woman had undressed me, a woman had put her mouth on the hidden spots where clothes had been. Teeth and tongue were on my flesh, her tongue moving to my thighs, her hands held my ass.

Her tongue moved across my flesh and created an unimaginable heat.