"_Fragments of Tanian's Diary, kept on a Voyage above-ground, Translated by his Excellency, M. Tomopoloko, General-in-chief, in the Service of his Tanaquitic majesty._"

"This land (Germany) was called the Roman empire; but it has been an empty t.i.tle, since the Roman monarchy was demolished several centuries since. The language of this land is not easy to understand, on account of its perverted style; for, what in other languages is placed before, in this comes after, so that the meaning cannot be had before a whole page is read through. The form of government is very inconsistent; some think they have a regent and yet have none; it should be an empire, yet it is divided into several duchies, each of which has its own government, and often engages in a formal war with its neighbor. The whole land is called 'holy,' although there is not to be found in it the least trace of piety. The regent, or more correctly the unregent, who bears the name of emperor, is denominated 'the continual augmenter of his country,' although he not seldom diminishes it; 'invincible,'

notwithstanding he is often slain: sometimes by the French, sometimes by the Turks. One has no less reason to wonder at the people's rights and liberties; but although they have many rights, they are forbidden to use them. Innumerable commentaries have been written upon the German const.i.tution, but notwithstanding this, they have made no advance because

"The capital of this country (France) is called Paris, and is very large, and may in a certain degree be considered the capital of all Europe; for it exercises a peculiar law-giving power over the whole continent. It has, for example, the exclusive right to prescribe the universal mode of dress and living; and no style of dress, however inconvenient or ridiculous, may be controverted after the Parisians have once established it. How or when they obtained this prescriptive right is unknown to me. I observed, however, that this dominion did not extend to other things; for the other nations often make war with the French, and not seldom force them to sue for peace on very hard terms; but subservience in dress and living nevertheless continues. In quickness of judgment, inquisitiveness after news, and fruitfulness of discovery, the French are much like the Martinians.

"From Bologna we went to Rome. This latter city is governed by a priest, who is held to be the mightiest of the kings and rulers of Europe, although his possessions may be travelled through in one day. Beyond all other regents, who only have supremacy over their subjects' lives and goods, he can govern souls. The Europeans generally believe that this priest has in his possession the keys of heaven. I was very curious to see these keys, but all my endeavors were in vain. His power, not only over his own subjects, but the whole human race, consists princ.i.p.ally in that he can absolve those whom G.o.d condemns, and condemn those whom G.o.d absolves; an immense authority, which the inhabitants of our subterranean world seriously believe is not becoming to any mortal man.

But it is an easy matter to induce the Europeans to credit the most unreasonable a.s.sertions, and submit to the most high-handed a.s.sumptions, notwithstanding they consider themselves alone sensible and enlightened, and, puffed up with their foolish conceits, look contemptuously upon all other nations, whom they call barbarous.

"I will not, by any means, defend our subterranean manners and inst.i.tutions: my purpose simply is, to examine those of the Europeans, and show how little claim these people have to find fault with other nations.

"It is customary, in some parts of Europe, to powder the hair and clothes with ground and sifted corn; the same which nature has produced for the nourishment of man. This flour is called hair-powder. It is combed out with great care at night, preparatory to a fresh sprinkling in the morning. There is another custom with them, which did not appear less ridiculous to me. They have certain coverings for the head, called hats, made ostensibly, to protect the head from the weather, but which, instead of being used for this very reasonable purpose, are generally worn under the arm, even in the winter. This seemed as foolish to me as would the instance of one's walking through the city with his cloak or breeches in his hand; thus exposing his body, which these should cover, to the severity of the weather.

"The doctrines of European religion are excellent and consistent with sound reason. In their books of moral law they are commanded to read the Christian precepts often; to search into their true meaning, and are advised to be indulgent with the weak and erring. Nevertheless, should any understand one or another doctrine of these books in any but the established sense, they would be imprisoned, lashed, yes, and even burned for their want of judgment. This seemed to me the same case, as if one should be punished for a blemish in sight, through which he saw that object square which others believed to be round. I was told that some thousand people had been executed by hanging or burning, for their originality of thought.

"In most cities and villages are to be found certain persons standing in high places, who animadvert severely upon the sins of others, which they themselves commit daily: this seemed to me as sensible as the preaching of temperance by a drunkard.

"In the larger towns, it is almost generally the fashion to invite one's guests, immediately after meals, to imbibe a kind of sup made from burnt beans, which they call coffee. To the places where this is drunk, they are drawn in a great box on four wheels, by two very strong animals; for the higher cla.s.ses of Europeans hold it to be very indecent to move about on their feet.

"On the first day of the year, the Europeans are attacked by a certain disease, which we subterraneans know nothing of. The symptoms of this malady are a peculiar disturbance of the mind and agitation of the head; its effects are that none can remain, on that day, five minutes in one place. They run furiously from one house to another, with no appreciable reason. This disease continues with many even fourteen days; until at last, they become weary of their eternal gadding, check themselves and regain their former health.

"In France, Italy and Spain, the people lose their reason for some weeks, in the winter season. This delirium is moderated by strewing ashes on the foreheads of the sufferers. In the northern parts of Europe, to which this disease sometimes extends, and where the ashes have no power, nature is left to work the cure.

"It is the custom with most Europeans, to enter into a solemn compact with G.o.d, in the presence of witnesses, three or four times a year, which they invariably and immediately break. This compact is called 'communion,' and seems to have been established only to show that the Europeans are used to break their promises several times each year. They confess their sins and implore the mercy of G.o.d, in certain melodies, accompanied by instrumental music. As the magnitude of their sins increases, their music becomes louder: thus fluters, trumpeters and drummers are favorite helpers to devotion.

"Almost all the nations of Europe are obliged to acknowledge and believe in the doctrines, which are contained in a certain 'holy book.' At the south the reading of this book is entirely forbidden; so that the people are forced to credit what they dare not read; in these same regions, it is likewise austerely forbidden to worship G.o.d, except in a language incomprehensible to the people; so that, only those prayers are held to be lawful and pleasing to G.o.d, which are uttered from memory, without comprehension.

"The learned controversies which occupy the European academies, consist in the discussion of matters, the development of which is productive of no benefit, and in the examination of phenomena, the nature of which is beyond the reach of the human mind. The most serious study of a European scholar, is the consideration of a pair of old boots, the slippers, necklaces and gowns of a race long extinct. Of the sciences, both worldly and divine, none judge for themselves, but subscribe blindly to the opinions of a few. The decisions of these, when once established, they cling to, like oysters to the rocks. They select a few from their number whom they call, 'wise,' and credit them implicitly. Now, there would be nothing to object against this, could raw and ignorant people decide in this case; but to decide concerning wisdom requires, methinks, a certain degree of sapience in the judge.

"In the southern countries, certain cakes are carried about, which the priests set up for G.o.ds; the most curious part of this matter is, the bakers themselves, while the dough yet cleaves to their fingers, will swear that these cakes have created heaven and earth.

"The English prefer their liberty to all else, and are not slaves, except to their wives. Today they reject that religion, which yesterday they professed. I ascribe this fickleness to the situation of their country; they are islanders and seamen, and probably become affected by the variable element that surrounds them. They inquire very often after each other's health, so that one would suppose them to be all doctors; but the question: how do you do? is merely a form of speech; a sound without the slightest signification.

"Towards the north, is a republic, consisting of seven provinces. These are called 'united,' notwithstanding there is not to be found the least trace of union among them. The mob boast of their power, and insist upon their _right_ to dispose of state affairs; but no where is the commonalty more excluded from such matters; the whole government being in the hands of some few families.

"The inhabitants of this _republic_ heap up great riches with anxious and unwearied vigilance, which, however, they do not enjoy: their purses are always full, their stomachs always empty. One would almost believe they lived on smoke, which they continually suck through tubes or pipes, made of clay. It must, nevertheless, be confessed, that these people surpa.s.s all others in cleanliness; for they wash everything but their hands.

"Every land has its own laws and customs, which are usually opposed to each other. For example; by law, the wife is subject to the husband; by custom, the husband is ruled by the wife.

"In Europe, the superfluous members of society only are respected; these devour not only the fruits of the land but the land itself. The cultivators of the soil, who feed these gorges are degraded for their industry and despised for their usefulness.

"The prevalence of vice and crime in Europe may perhaps be fairly inferred from the great number of gallows and scaffolds to be seen everywhere. Each town has its own executioner. I must, for justice sake, clear England from this stigma; I believe there are no public murderers in that country: the inhabitants hang themselves.

"I have a kind of suspicion that the Europeans are cannibals; for they shut large flocks of healthful and strong persons in certain inclosures, called cloisters, for the purpose of making them fat and smooth. This object seldom fails, as these prisoners, free from all labor and care, have nothing to do but to enjoy themselves in these gardens of pleasure.

"Europeans commonly drink water in the morning to cool their stomachs; this object accomplished, they drink brandy to heat them again.

"In Europe are two princ.i.p.al sects in religion; the Roman catholic and the protestant. The protestants worship but one G.o.d; the catholics, several. Each city and village, with these, has its appropriate G.o.d or G.o.ddess. All these deities are created by the pope, or superior priest at Rome, who, on his part, is chosen by certain other priests, called cardinals. The mighty power of these creators of the creator of the G.o.ds, does not, as it would seem to an indifferent spectator, apparently alarm the people.

"The ancient inhabitants of Italy subdued the whole world, and obeyed their wives; the present, on the contrary, abuse their wives and submit to the whole world.

"The Europeans generally feed upon the same victuals with the subterraneans. The Spaniards alone live on the air.

"Commerce flourishes here and there; many things are offered for sale in Europe, which with us are never objects of trade. Thus in Rome, people sell heaven; in Switzerland, themselves; and in * * * * * * *, the crown, sceptre and throne are offered at public auction.

"In Spain, idleness is the true mark of a well-bred man; and the distinguishing proof of pure n.o.bility is an apt.i.tude to sleep.

"Among European writers, those are in the highest repute, who change the natural order of words, making that which is in itself simple and distinct, intricate and incomprehensible. The cla.s.s most noted for this abominable perversion of style is that of the 'poets:' this singular removal of words is called 'poetry.' The capability to puzzle is by no means the only requisite to become a true poet; one must be able to lie most terribly. A certain old poet named Homerus, who possessed both these qualities in an eminent degree, is styled the 'master,' and is idolized with a kind of divine worship. He has had many imitators of his distortion of sentences and falsification of truth; but, it is said, none have yet reached his excellence.

"The cultivators of science purchase books in great quant.i.ties, not so much, I am told, for the sake of the contents, as for their antiqueness of style or elegance of binding.

"The learned and unlearned are distinguished from each other by different dresses and manners; but especially by different religions: the latter believe mostly in one G.o.d; the former worship many divinities, both male and female. Among the princ.i.p.al of these are, Apollo, Minerva, and nine muses; besides many lesser whole and half G.o.ds. The poets particularly implore their aid and 'hail' them when they take a notion to rage.

"The learned are divided, according to their different studies into the cla.s.ses of philosophers, poets, grammarians, natural philosophers, metaphysicians, &c.

"A philosopher is a scientific tradesman, who, for a certain price, sells prescriptions of self-denial, temperance and poverty; he generally preaches the pains of wealth, till he becomes rich himself, when he abandons the world for a comfortable and dignified retreat. The father of the philosophers, Seneca, is said to have collected royal wealth.

"A poet is one who makes a great stir with printed prattle, falsehood and fury. Madness is the characteristic of the true poet. All those who express themselves, with clearness, precision and simplicity are deemed unworthy of the laurel wreath.

"The grammarians are a sort of military body, who disturb the public peace. They are distinguished from all other warriors, by dress and weapons. They wear black instead of colored uniforms, and wield pens rather than swords. They fight with as much obstinacy for letters and words as do the others for liberty and father-land.

"A natural philosopher is one who searches into the bowels of the earth, studies the nature of animals, worms and insects, and, in a word, is familiar with every thing, but himself.

"A metaphysician is a sort of philosopher, partly visionary and partly sceptical, who sees what is concealed from all others. He describes the being and unfolds the nature of souls and spirits, and knows both what is, and what is not. From the acuteness of his sight, the metaphysician cannot discern what lies directly before his feet.

"I have thus briefly considered the condition of the learned republic in Europe. I could relate many other things, but I think I have given the reader a sufficient test, by which he may judge how far the Europeans have a right to hold themselves preeminent for wisdom.

"The people above-ground are exceedingly pious, and extraordinarily zealous in praying. Their prayers, however, do not arise from the impulses and emotions of their hearts; but are subdued to mere matters of form, directed by bells, clocks or sun-dials. Their devotion is entirely mechanical, founded on external signs and old customs rather than in sincere feeling.

"When I came to Italy, I fancied myself master over the whole country; for every one called himself my slave. I took a notion to test the extent of this humble obedience, and commanded my landlord to lend me his wife for a night; he became very angry, however, at this, and ordered me out of his house.

"In the north, there are many people who seek with great pains to obtain t.i.tles of offices which they do not hold; and many lose their reason in their eagerness to be on the right side. Furthermore,"

Here I lost my patience. Inflamed to the utmost fury, I threw the book on the ground, and a.s.sured Tomopoloko, who was by me, that it was the fiction of an unjust and choleric writer. When my first pa.s.sion was cooled, I reviewed my sentence, and finally concluded that the author of these travels, although unfair and untrue in many particulars, had nevertheless made some good points and happy reflections.

I will now return to civil affairs. All our neighbors had kept very quiet for a long period, and during this peace I made every effort to const.i.tute the government according to my own notions, and strengthen the army in numbers and efficiency.

Suddenly, we received information that three warlike and formidable nations, namely, the Arctonians, Kispusiananians and Alectorians, had united against the Quamites. The first named were bears gifted with reason and speech. The Kispusiananians were a nation of large cats celebrated for their cunning and ferocity. The Alectorians were c.o.c.ks, armed with bows and arrows. These arrows with poisoned tips, were cast with wonderful precision, and their least touch was fatal.

These three nations had been irritated by the uncommon progress of the Quamites as well as by the fall of the Tanaquites. The allied powers sent amba.s.sadors to Quama, to demand the liberty of the imprisoned Tanaquitians and the cession of their land, with power to declare war should the same be denied. By my advice, they were immediately dismissed with the following answer: "Since the Tanaquitians, violators of peace and alliance, have deserved the misery which they have brought upon themselves by their own folly and pride, his majesty, the emperor, is determined to defend, to the utmost, the possessions of a land, conquered in a lawful war, in spite of the threats and fearless of the strength of your unnatural alliance."