Before reading:

Ok, so I

changed Iria for Ilya. And the background is blue. It’s not that I was

bloodthirsty, but I simply liked it. Blue should be more “easy on the eyes” no?

If this is

the real end – 2

“My charming little princess.”

            Mother often said that while combing my little sister’s hairs. As I looked at

them, I thought it couldn’t be help since she looked so lovely.

            It

wasn’t like mother didn’t love me. … … That was probably what I tried to

believe. However, rather than her own blood-related child, she loved and

cherished Silvia a lot more. That was the truth. She would rarely come to my

room, but I knew that she went to see Silvia without missing a single day.

Before going to sleep, she would drop a kiss on her round forehead. I also knew

that she would sing a lullaby with a voice full of love. Sneaking out of my

room on a night I couldn’t fall asleep, from the gap of the door that happened

to have been opened, I saw the nonchalant routine of my mother and that child. “Good night, mother.” “Sweet dreams, my

charming little princess.” Even though I clearly heard their voices, for

some reason they started to vanish in the distance.   

            Lovely.

That looked lovely. I also wanted that.

            I

wanted mother’s gentle kiss. I wanted her hands to comb my hairs, show me her

affection, hug me, I wanted her to call me her lovely little princess. I

thought that mother would do it if I asked her for. If I coaxed her, if I put

my request into words, I knew she wouldn’t ignore it. While mother loved my

little sister more, she wasn’t a heartless person. That’s why, if I had wished

for it, I would have had my desires granted. Even if she didn’t do it spontaneously.

However in the end, I never even once received those gestures of affections.

              Because I thought that if it was a love given

reluctantly, then I had no need for it. 

            I

might have been a young child at that time, but since birth I understood I was

from the aristocracy. I was called “my lady” since I was a baby, was served by

the people around me; raised in this fas.h.i.+on I was made to act and treat people

a certain way. By the time I remembered words, inside my heart the notion of

pride had already be cultivated. Such worthless arrogance might have deprived

me of my pureness and honesty. I, who was even hesitating to reach out to my

own mother, had unconsciously built a wall inside my heart, and I came to

behave as if I could never understand how to bare my heart and openly said what

I wanted. The armor that I coiled around me by doing that, stayed with me as I

grew up, unknowingly hurting me.

            I

didn’t know if it was because of that, but I was always afraid of asking others

for their help. Even though I knew that I, myself, was a very weak person, even

at the critical moment I still couldn’t ask for help. Just saying a single word

would be enough, but how much courage would it take to actually say it? Did

anyone understand the sorrow squeezing out such a word and freeing my voice

from any obstacles would cost me? I was the n.o.ble daughter of the third ranked

earl house. I, who was armed with such a heavy headgear, such a heave t.i.tle,

while I was using it as a s.h.i.+eld, at the same time I had also been bounded

hands and feet by it.

“From today onward, you will become Soleil-sama’s fiancé.”  

            Therefore, you cannot act spoiled anymore,

alright? Even though I felt I had never behave that way even once, that

person said this with a gaze full of kindness and hugged me tightly. As if this

would be the last time. Anyhow, she pretended having done this many times. My

first hug with my mother was wrapped in an atmosphere sugary enough to make

one’s choke and it made me feel sick. At that moment I didn’t know if it was

alright for me to return her hug back, while watching my fingers wandering in

midair, I noticed that mother and Silvia had the same smell. It smelled like

the lingering scent of an incense. The young me simply thought it was strange.

Why did my mother and little sister have the same parfum? I didn’t realize the

sense of discomfort that a.s.sailed me because only mine was different.       

“You have been promised a bright future. Because you will become the

wife of a marquis.”

            I didn’t know what my mother’s

thoughts were when she said this. My mother looked at me with the same gaze she

had when she was watching over her favorite porcelains, paintings or roses.

Keeping that gaze on me, she declared distinctly, In other words you are now under the custody of the marquis’s house. I

guess I was too young to understand the meaning of those words. 

            …

… When I was imprisoned in my first life, my parents turned their back on me.

From time to time I remembered my father’s face when he gritted his teeth with

loath as he complained I had disappointed him. At that time, while I believed

Soleil would come for me, on the other hand I also perceived that I had reached

my end.

            But

then I thought about it. It wasn’t like my parents had abandoned me at that

moment. They had separated themselves from me step by step, little by little,

as if they were pilling up stones one by one, in a fas.h.i.+on where everything

would eventually crumble once the weight couldn’t be endured anymore. That

first and also last embrace had namely been the first stone.

“…Why,”

            As

I had already decided on what dress to wear for lunch, while I was letting the

maid help me get dressed, I looked at my reflection in the full-length mirror.

The person standing here, was the not very special and quite ordinary “me”.

Even if I thought my hairs were like those of an old woman, actually, I had not

lived until that old. Before my face will get wrinkles, I will reach the end of

that short life. If it was so fleeting, was it selfish of me to wish to at

least spend a satisfying life?

“My lady? Is something wrong?”

            The

sharp-eared maid t.i.tled her head in wonder, having picked up words I was sure I

had chewed up inside my mouth. When I shook my head, she closed her mouth and

didn’t ask anything anymore. She was truly an excellent maid who had served for

a long time. Respecting my will, even if she was curious she didn’t try to pry

into my thoughts. 

            Brus.h.i.+ng

the hairs lying on my shoulders as if nothing had happened, she asked me, “How

would you like to do your hairs?” She truly understood what was the correct

question to ask in this situation. As I remembered the beautiful hairs of my

little sister when she had been facing me earlier in the corridor, I wondered

what I would like if I were to do the same hairstyle. In front of the lovely

ephemeral appearance of the fairy, I was standing with the same haircut.

Imagining that,

“…Fufu” I heaved a long breath blended

with a little laugh. 

            Even

if we had the same hairstyle, our appearance would still be as different as

heaven and earth. Whether it was a coincidence or not, it would be inevitable

for people to thing I had tried to imitate my little sister. How ridiculous

would that look?

            There

would only be me, my little sister and Soleil at the luncheon. The person who

would compare us, will only be Soleil. But he would surely not realize that I

have the same style as Silvia. The only one who would laugh at my stupid

appearance, would be me.

            I

didn’t like to be compared to Silvia, I always tried to choose something

different from that child. A different hairstyle, a different lipstick, a

different dress, different shoes, rather than picking things I liked, it felt

more like I was choosing based on the criteria it must be different from

Silvia. I think it has been like this since our childhood. In front of my

little sister who was wearing a light-colored dress and was praised as being

cute and adorable, I realized I should not wear that. A few days ago, I wore a

dress of the same color, but n.o.body said it was cute or anything. When was it

that I noticed the compliment “It suits you well” was only polite lip service

devoid of any real meaning?

“… Can you tie my hair up please?”

            The

maid confirmed my order in a nod and skillfully braided my hairs with flower

ornaments to make a beautiful hairstyle. When I saw the result once she was

done, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. I intended to make choices, but as a

matter of fact, I hadn’t been able to choose anything at all.

“Hey, in reality, you like the color white, right?”

            The

one who noticed it was Crow. I liked white flowers regardless of their variety.

So understandably, I liked white. Even though there was no need to thing deeply

to see that, no one in my entourage had ever noticed it. The colors I wore were

always discreet; for casual attires it was dark or indigo blue, reddish-brown

or a deep violet, only colors that wouldn’t stand out. It wasn’t like I was

purposely choosing dark colors. Simply, flamboyant ones didn’t suit that plain

face of mine. “You really dislike bright

color” had said my mother with a wry smile. She hadn’t realized even a

little that I was yearning for my little sister’s dresses.

            The

sole occasion on which I wore white, was on my wedding with Soleil that I had

experienced countless times in my repeating lives.

            Because

it was a marriage, I was able to wear a dress of my favorite color

unreservedly. Not feeling inferior to my little sister, not being compared to

her by our surrounding. On the day only I was allowed to wear white, on that

one and only day, I was truly able to pick out everything and anything myself.

Standing alongside Soleil, I was showered with words of blessing and basked in

applauses.

            That

day was a day overflowing with happiness… Or rather, it should have been so. Each time I remembered the exaltation of

that day, I was a.s.sailed by an anguis.h.i.+ng pain, as if the inner part of my

chest was being clawed by nails. Probably because I couldn’t forget that Soleil’s eyes only chased after

Silvia’s silhouette. In the end, the only person to admire the dress whose

fabric and design I had chosen personally, had only been me.

“… Even if I dress up, there is no

meaning.”

“My lady?

“… No, it is nothing. Thank you, I

caused you some trouble.”

“No, not all. That was nothing.”

            My

appearance reflected in the mirror now that the maid had finished seemed to not

have a single blemish. Befitting of a n.o.ble young daughter, the dress made of a

fine quality material was a high-cla.s.s item. When basking inside the light, the

deep blue shade slightly changed. I narrowed my eyes in front of its beauty,

however, I unintentionally lowered my eyes when I thought of the fact I was the

one wearing it. No matter what I wear no one will pay it any mind, no one will

feel anything when seeing it.

            The

day of that wedding, Soleil took a fleeting glimpse in my direction and said, “So beautiful.” I remembered it well.

For a brief moment my mood brightened. When I looked up I saw him gazing at

Silvia in the distance, his eyes shaken by an ardent emotion.

            He

had pretended to have addressed that compliment to me; his profile as he was in

fact staring as my little sister, I have never forgotten it.

“It took you quite a while.”

            I

smiled bitterly at Soleil and Silvia who seemed to have been lying in wait for

me in the parlor. Originally, the appointed time had been 30 minutes from now,

so there should have been no reason to criticize me. But in the aristocratic

society that was divided in ranks, as he belonged to a higher family, making

him wait wasn’t praiseworthy. It didn’t matter that I was his fiancé or not. He

had such a special social status. 

“My apologies.”

“…”

            When

I lowered my head obediently, silence fell in the room. I wondered if he didn’t

feel like forgiving me. As I remained with my head hung down, unable to rise up

my line of sight,

“Big sister, your hair ornaments are lovely.”

            I

didn’t know if she read the air or made her remark without any ulterior

thoughts, but Silvia rose up from her seat. She came to me who was standing

near the entrance unable to move, and said,

“This dress, it is the first time

I’m seeing it. It really suits you well big sister.”

            She

laughed softly with a smiling expression in her eyes.

            She

was a kind child. Without any maliciousness, she was trying to face me with the

same pure heart than when she was a child. Despite not having seen many other

people, my little sister was often watching me. Silvia’s true nature had surely

not changed since our childhood. She was the same as the little figure that had

flew before me in the stable when I was about to be kicked by the horse. As I

was her older sister, there was no way she would harbor any malice. My parents

had gently covered Silvia’s eyes so as to not let them reflect anything dirty

or unsightly.

            With

this purity, with this kindness, this beauty, she will steal Soleil’s heart.

            For

example, she might be the same as a princess from a fairy-tale. If they are

captured, someone will come to their rescue, if they are in a dire situation,

someone will extend a helping hand. Just by being here, they will be loved.

            They

were different from me. Because I…

“The two of you, isn’t it time to

sit down soon?”

            As

I was answering Silvia’s praise for my dress, saying, you are very pretty too, Soleil’s voice echoed. He sounded a little

bit annoyed, was it because I was monopolizing my little sister’s gaze?

            Silvia

lightly acknowledged his demand and flew back to him. I followed behind her.

Her hairs were swaying gently, matching her vibrant pace.

“Your hairs,”

“…hum?”

“Your hairs, they look like the shadows of a grove of trees that are

falling on the snow.”

“… What? What do you mean?”

            In

one of my lives, as I was reflected in those black eyes of him, Crow said this

with a little laugh. I had never mentioned my own a.s.sessment of my hairs in

front of him. However, as if he had seen through my mind, he told me,

“I, rather than the pure white snow that had pilled up in a plain, I

think that the shadow of trees casted on that snow are much more beautiful.”

            I

didn’t understand what his intentions were when he said this.

“But, when even the shadows of those trees are included, I would call it a

snowy landscape.”

            Crow

said that and gently caressed my hairs.

“Snow is just snow. No matter what hair color you have, what eyes you

have, what expression you make…… No matter who you are, I think you are

beautiful.”

            He

was probably not trying to encourage or comfort me. Because Crow should not

have known that I was comparing myself with Silvia and felt depressed. But, he

always offered me the words I wanted to hear.

“… I’ve been told so by Saion-sama.”

“Don’t pay attention to what Sai

says. He is a nasty fellow…”

            Even

without saying anything, appetizers were brought to my seat. While eating them

I watched as Silvia and Soleil were having a pleasant chat. Whether or not it

was a continuation of their conversation when I met them in the corridor

earlier, but apparently it seemed to be about Soleil’s friend. Since they were usually

having lunch together, naturally, there probably had been opportunities to meet

Soleil’s friend. That person who I had never been introduced to, Silvia seemed

to know him well.

“Big sister…? Is something wrong?”

            It seemed you are not eating anything,

said Silvia with a wondering expression. Although I picked up my fork at her

urging, I quite couldn’t swallow the food in my mouth.    

“Are you feeling unwell?”

            When

I raised my eyes, Soleil was looking toward me with a wrinkle between his

eyebrows. Until now, he hadn’t even kept me at the corner of his field of

vision. When he had follow Silvia’s line of sight, even if he found it

unpleasant he noticed me at that moment.

“… No”

            Trying

to shake my head, I took the initiative to declare, I should go back to my room. Because of my trembling fingers, the

tip of the knife hit the porcelain and created some noise.

“Big sister…!  Soleil-sama is here for your sake…!”

            She

probably thought I couldn’t wait to leave my seat and stroke the plate with the

knife on purpose in anger. While remaining humble, Silvia raised a reproaching

voice. In tune with her, Soleil pulled down his lips.

            When

I reflexively casted my eyes down, my shoulders trembled.

“Ilya?”

            I

was almost about to laugh. Perhaps, from the start, everything had been a huge

farce.

“I apology for the inconvenience I

caused you. I will presume upon your benevolence but I think I should return to

my room.”

            When

I put down my fork and knife and said that without raising my head,

“I will escort you back to your

room.”   

            Soleil

showed a worried behavior. It was the proper reaction as my fiancé.

“It is fine. It is not that far.

Please, take your time Soleil-sama.”

“… Big sister, hum…”

“Silvia you too, do not mind me.”

            I

stood while exchanging the same kind of conversation than at that tea party

where Soleil and Silvia met.  

            When

I left the room, Al was waiting for me in the corridor as expected. Since my

withdrawal was considerably earlier than it should have been, he made a puzzled

expression, then he inquired if everything was alright.

            I

laughed and said I was fine, wearing the same smile as usual. Pretending that

nothing had happened, I returned to my room. Then, the instant when the door

opened, I took one deep breath, preparing myself. It was in order to suppress

my expecting heart which wondered if a black bird was there or not.

“Nice to meet you, princess.”

            I

didn’t know why he had called me like this the first time we met. It probably

didn’t have any meaning, even if I asked him he wouldn’t give me an answer.  

            But

in this world deprived of any hope, only him had given me the words I wanted to

hear. The me of this current life, had remembered them many, many times over

and over again.