It seems

like people like Ilya more than Iria. I’ll wait till next Sunday to confirm

this, and if the result of the survey hasn’t changed I’ll switch to Ilya. Happy

Easter for those who celebrate it!

If this is

the real end – 1

            What

was essential to do when I woke up in the morning, was to not get up until I

was properly awaken. Even when a maid came close, until I could clearly

perceive that I was “me”, I kept my eyes closed and concealed my breathing.

After inhaling deeply and chanting my name several times, I would finally make

the preparations to open my eyes. Telling me that everything was alright, I

would greet the morning sun while praying that that time hadn’t come yet. Every time I needed the resolution to

live through the day.

            After

that tea party, numeral deaths were recalled inside me. Along with the

recognition that the same time has started again, merciless endings were

thrusted before me. That was why I had to take measures to save myself. Not

letting Silvia die, not being abandoned by Soleil, continuing to remain by his

side as his fiancé, as his wife. These were in other words, choices to protect

myself, choices to save this love.

            However,

were they really the right choices?

“My lady, a sealed letter has

arrived from the marquis’ house.”

            The

maid handed me a letter engraved with the crest of the marquis family after I

finally got up from bed. Receiving a sealed letter was quite unusual. When I

cut the seal at once, the familiar stiffed characters briefly informed me of

the matter at hand. I read over it twice, thrice, checking the content. After

finis.h.i.+ng reading, a sigh unconsciously escaped from my mouth.

“… My lady?”

“Because Soleil-sama will come

visit, I would like you to please make the preparations for lunch.” 

“Yes, I understand.”

“Also… about Silvia’s condition, how

is she feeling today?”

“… about Silvia-sama?”

“Right. If that child’s condition

seems fine, I would like you to prepare lunch for three persons.”  

            As

I asked this while soaking my hands in the bowl of water prepared for was.h.i.+ng

the face, the maid answered with a “I understand.” Although the visit was a bit

too sudden, after a.s.suming the letter would accurately arrived on the right day

and time, it still could count as asking for an invitation. When it’s so sudden

like this, it’s impossible to decline. It seemed like Soleil was asking for the

permission to come visit, but in reality, it was an ordering behavior that was

born out of his high status as a marquis. At the end of the letter, if it was

written to invite my little sister by all means, then I could not disregard

it. 

            It

seemed that Soleil was steadily deepening his intimacy with Silvia who had

started to attend the academy. In order for Soleil who was in the knight

division to come in touch with Silvia who was on the normal curriculum, he needed

to arrange beforehand a time and place to meet. The school buildings were

separated, and above all the cursus organization for the knight and the normal

divisions were completely different. Since the knight training which contained

actual fighting had a different schedule, if he didn’t contact her in advance,

it would be really difficult to spend lunch time together. That was why the two

of them eating in the cafeteria together attracted a lot of attention. Because

despite the fact his fiancé was attending the same academy, he left her alone

and spent time with her little sister instead.

            However,

it was highly likely that Silvia hadn’t noticed all these various

circ.u.mstances. Probably not understanding well the structure of the academy

itself, the young girl who was attending school for the very first time didn’t

have any person she could call a friend either. For that reason, n.o.body pointed

out the situation to her. Maybe at such a time it was my role as her older

sister to show her the ways, but I knew it would be a bother if I were to cut

into their conversation needlessly. Because of my foolish acts until now,

because I threaten every woman who had approached Soleil, if I interfered now,

people would say that I even kept in check my own little sister due to my

jealousy. I understood that quite clearly.

            At

this point in time, no matter how much I struggle, the situation wouldn’t take

a good direction. Suddenly, my back trembled when a certain thought crossed my

mind. What should I do if all my actions were useless? What on earth was I here

for? 

“What would you like to do about

your attire?”

“Because I will change clothes one

more time after that… well, that one will be fine.”

            When

I designated a section of the dressing room, an excellent maid nodded once

without inquiring about anything. Soon, she brought back a simple dress exactly

like the one I was imagining and helped me change into it. Meanwhile, I gave

instructions for lunch to be prepare in the reception room. Although our

visitor’s arrival was abrupt, since the estate’s kitchen were filled with

various ingredients it will not really be a problem. While I won’t have time to

arrange every detail like for that tea party some time ago, it shouldn’t be

inadequate.

“I will be in the archives until it

is time for lunch. If there is anything, please call me.”

“Yes lady.”

            After

confirming the maid had nodded dependably, I headed for the archives. While it

was incomparable to the academy’s library, the collection of books gathered by

the successive generations of the heads of our earl family was still quite

impressive. The top of the tall bookshelves couldn’t be reached without using a

stepladder. There, thousands of books were lined up tightly without any gap. It

seemed the successive butlers had properly inventoried everything, but without

the permission of the head of the family you couldn’t browse through it and it was

also not easy to borrow it. Among the collection, some books were considerably

costly, and since they were all part of the properties and a.s.sets of our house,

the index listing where was everything was strictly safekept. In other words, I

couldn’t see it. If I had that catalogue at hand, my research would have

progressed much more smoothly.   

            In

that place, I was looking for a description related to Crow. Since several of

my previous lives ago, each time after I recalled my memory, I began

investigating about him. I knew that Crow wasn’t an ordinary person. He might

be a kind of fairy or spirit, or maybe a magician or an illusionist, or a being

that didn’t carry any physical substance like a phantom. Since he could use

those kind of techniques or magic, whether he was a human being or a different

species, there was no doubt he was a special existence. That was why there was

the possibility something about him would be recorded in the books. I searched

through various records such as literary works and history books, biographies

and folklore stories. For now, there never had been a description of someone like

him, but I couldn’t give up on the one in a million likelihood of finally

finding it. I returned the book I finished reading to its shelf and took a new

one. By doing this, little by little I proceeded with my search. But I didn’t

know how many thousands of books there were in that place only, and including

the academy’s library, even if I were to spend my whole time reading I couldn’t

finish everything in a lifetime. In fact, in each life when time went back, I

divided the total amount of books and continued reading. The shelves I must

search for this life are these one. The shelves for my previous life are those

one. Using every spare moment in my daily life, I pursued his existence.

“… My lady, if you cannot reach

something, please call for someone.”

            As

I had climbed on the stepladder to pick a book, a voice echoed in the archives

where no one was supposed to be. I didn’t know when he had arrived, but my

escort Al was looking up at me with his eyebrows wrinkled in a frown. That no sign

had betrayed his presence was the proof of his excellence as a knight.

            When

I laughed and told him it was fine, he immediately countered with a, “It is not

fine at all.” If you told me the t.i.tle, I

would bring the book to your room, he said with a sullen expression, but I

shook my head. To begin with, even I didn’t really know what I was looking for.

When I tried to step down with the book in my hand, he immediately supported my

arm. As I laughed wryly because of the feeling of being escorted, he added with

an increasingly sullen face, “What will you do if you were to slip off?” At

that moment what pa.s.sed through my mind suddenly, was the thought that I hadn’t

experience such a death among all the type of accidents until now. That being

the case, if I fall down from the stepladder at worst I would probably end up

with a bone fracture.

“… My lady? Are you listening?”

            As

expected, I couldn’t say it was fine because I wouldn’t fall, so I nodded in a

hurry. Do you really understand? I

gave the sighing Al a sidelong glance, scolding myself for being possessed by

gloomy thoughts. In this life where I was always conscious of the awaiting end

at the moment I awoke every morning, where should I find any happiness? Since

long ago, I hadn’t been able to grasp the answer. I went through every day just

for the sake of living. My present only consisted of acc.u.mulating those days.

            That

might be the reason why I was looking for Crow.

            In

that time that repeated itself, the people who appeared were mostly the same.

If this life was made into a story, it would be impossible for the usual

characters to change. And yet, there were times when Crow would appear before

me and times when he wouldn’t. Even if he was maybe observing me from somewhere

I didn’t know, I couldn’t be sure of his existence. In one of my lives, I

wandered around the city looking for Crow. When I found a young man with black

hairs, I systematically called out to them. The people around walked away,

avoiding me who kept calling with all her might the strange name Crow. There

were even some people who laughed and pointed their fingers at me. If Crow had

been at those places, I don’t think he would have pretend not seeing me. Despite

the fact that even his existence was uncertain, I somewhat understood what kind

of person he was. Perhaps, in that life, Crow hadn’t been here.

            Still

I wanted to keep looking for Crow. If his appearance has changed, it might be

impossible to find him. But I definitively wanted to see him. It’s not that I

particularly wanted him to do something. I wasn’t wis.h.i.+ng for him to lend me

his help, or to save me. I just wanted to see him.

“… My lady, what are you searching

for?”

            In

the end, I couldn’t read the books I chose in the archives, so I went back to

my room while having Al carrying them. Since lunch time was approaching I had

to change clothes. If Silvia joined us, I had to make sure we didn’t wear the

same color and give the impression we were harmonized. Whether it was a light

or a dark color, everything suited that child with her silver hairs and her

white skin so transparent her blood vessels were shown through it. This was because

that child’s body itself didn’t have any color. But due to those hairs of

mine which looked like those of an old woman, I must carefully choose what to

wear. Even if my skin was white, it was nothing special enough to be mentioned.

I didn’t have any peculiar features.

“I wonder what I’m looking for?”

“… Even though you don’t know what

it is, you are searching for something?”

            Dropping

his line of sight on the spine of the books which clearly belonged to different

field of expertise and had no uniformity between them, Al wringed his neck in

wonder. 

“No, it is because I do not know

that I am investigating it.”

“… I don’t really understand.”   

            When

I moved my eyes to the portrait of Silvia which was adorning the end of the

corridor that had fallen silent, the voice of my little sister called out

behind me, “Big sister…!” I turned back while smiling wryly because of the

timing that made it looked like the voice had soared from the painting and saw

the silhouettes of my little sister walking toward me, together with my fiancé.

Even though I was wondering why they were together, I didn’t let it show in my

behavior. I just quietly bent my knee, greeting them “Good day to you,

Soleil-sama.” “Ah!” Instead of letting Soleil answer, with a smile devoid of

any malice, Silvia told me happily,

“It seems he arrived a little bit

earlier than planned. Because I couldn’t find you big sister, we were waiting

in the parlor a little while ago, but…”

            Today

she seemed to be healthy. Her figure with her cheeks faintly died in red was

the appearance of health itself. Because I had asked the maid to confirm

Silvia’s condition, she was probably informed of Soleil’s visit. She was

wearing light make-up for our guest and was dressed a little more gorgeously

than what she would wear ordinary. Since Soleil was a person of higher ranking,

it could be said that it was natural to wear formal attire. That being the case,

the one who was being impolite was me. Moreover, since I was touching books

covered in dust just earlier in the archives, the hem and cuff of my dress had

been whitened by it. It was conspicuous because I had chosen a deep blue, dark colored dress. Although dust was only sticking to the sleeves, those white

untidied spots made it looked like an old clothing. A smile escaped my lips

when I thought I truly looked like an old woman now.

“…Iria?” 

            Standing

alongside Silvia, Soleil gave me a quizzical look. “… It is nothing, please do

not mind me.” When I shook my head, he made an increasingly doubting

expression. Seeing him like this, I felt that at any moment he would blame me

and say, “What are you scheming?” I didn’t think I looked that much like a villain.

But he seemed to think otherwise.

“I have order for lunch to be

prepared in the reception room. There is still a bit of time left before it is

ready, so would you like to have some tea in the meanwhile?”

            After

I said that, Silvia happily clapped both her hands and exclaimed, “The other

day, I just found a new tea…!” Seeing Soleil’s eyes slightly relax as they

reflected her appearance, a tiny bit of pain rose in my chest. I was thinking

this scene was bringing me sense of déjà-vu but suddenly, I also thought that

feeling might be a bit more like nostalgia. In the past, I would have been hurt

by his att.i.tude. But now, my heart had become calm. … No, I may be desperately

suppressing my heart that was about to tremble.   

            It’s a fragrant tea that will surely suit

Soleil-sama’s taste, said Silvia while directing an imploring gaze toward

me. With a nod, I pretended to keep my composure and showed them a smile as I

answered, “That is perfect. I will go back to my room to change my clothes, in

the meantime, please, take care of your big brother and serve him some tea.” We have yet to be married but you are

already showing me that joking display. Would it be silly of me to say such

a thing when I knew those two’s feelings? Or maybe it could be perceived as sarcasm?

However, Silvia looked like she didn’t care the slightest bit about it, those

thin fingers of her approached Soleil’s arm. They were touching yet not

touching. With such a subtle sense of distance, their emotions could clearly be seen

through.

            I,

who was simply watching this, I wondered how I looked?

            If

it had been the me before I introduced Soleil to Silvia, letting them be alone

together would be a make-believe, I would never give them the opportunity.

“… My lady,”

            Would

I yell in a loud voice? Or, would I come between the two of them, shaking off the

slender arm of Silvia while screaming, “Don’t come near Soleil-sama!”?

“My lady, what is wrong?”

            At

that time, I wonder what kind of expression Soleil would make to look at me. …

… No, what kind of expression did he make to look at me?   

“My lady…!”

            When

I looked up because of the voice that abruptly burst in my ears, Al was there,

calling out to me with a low tone. As his position was that of my escort

knight, he couldn’t raise his voice. Since I had been lost in my thoughts, my

shoulders quivered and I was suddenly drawn back to reality. But right away, I

took a small breath to calm down and not let anyone perceive it. I moved my

line of sight to check if my reaction had been sensed by Soleil and Silvia, but

they hadn’t pay even a little bit of attention to me and had increasingly

reduced the distance between them compared to a while before. As if to tell him

a secret, Silvia put her hand on her lips and approach her face from Soleil’s.

Even though the audible content of their conversation was simply some gossip,

by only standing side by side, the two of them looked somewhat dazzling.  While I was thinking that scene looked

quite familiar, Soleil suddenly said to her, “Then, I’ll be counting on you,

Silvia.” “Yes!” She exclaimed and turned toward me with her cheeks still

carrying a tinge of red. It was exactly the expression of a young girl in love.

            My

thoughts were simply, how adorable it was.

“… Iria?”

            As

I once again became absentminded, Soleil threw me an inquisitive look. “Oh,

then… Silvia, I naturally have no problem with you preparing some tea, however

you cannot do it in your own room.” I thought it was a needless fear but when I

added this just in case, sure enough, Silvia tilted her head with a bewildered

expression. Even if hereafter it was planned they will become a family,

currently Soleil and Silvia were complete strangers. A n.o.ble’s daughter

wouldn’t be praised for being alone in a room with a male who was not a family

member. Because we didn’t know what kind of rumor could be spread by the

servant who liked to gossip. However, Silvia didn’t understand this well.

            Silvia

had been carefully, carefully raised, shut inside a birdcage. My lovely little

sister.

“… Why is it not good?”

            She

uneasily looked toward Soleil with a supplicating and puzzled gaze. The one who

hold the most authority here was him. In spite of this place being my parents’

house.

“Since in this mansion there are

only trustworthy people, it is alright.”

            I suppose I can guess what you are trying to

say, but what are your basis for it? Moreover, your little sister is not

someone who would betray you, right? He said. Even now, I knew that Silvia

who couldn’t comprehend what we were saying was looking toward me with an

imploring expression. I couldn’t look back straightforwardly at those eyes.

Although I haven’t done anything bad, why was it that I couldn’t get rid of the

feelings of guilt? Despite the fact I couldn’t go against Soleil’s opinion,

ultimately, the final decision was entrusted to me. Wasn’t it excessively

unfair?

            When

they said it was only drinking tea in her room, it would only be that. As I was making a strange expression, maybe the one who was abnormal was me. However, even if they

let the door of the room opened so that people could see the interior, human

beings were creatures who tended to twist the truth for their own convenience.

At the moment an ill-intended person would see their harmonious interactions

inside the room, we didn’t know what they would make of it.   

“Iria, is there really a need to

think so deeply about it?”

            As

Soleil said that, there was no other answer left.

“… Yes, you are right. I have put

too much thoughts into this.” 

            I

intended to pretend to be calm, but by reflex my muscles contracted and my

throat tightened. Although nothing especially happened, although this was

supposed to be nothing… It hurt. I couldn’t help but feel hurt. In this way,

little by little I was losing various things. 

“…Right then, Silvia, Soleil-sama, I

will see you later…”

            I

bent my knees, apologized for the rudeness of leaving first and urged Al with

my eyes. With a somewhat rigid expression he promptly bent his straight back in

a salute and stood beside me to s.h.i.+eld me from their lines of sight.

“Iria, wait a moment.”

            Then,

after I had walked a few steps, Soleil suddenly called out to me. When I turned

wondering why he was still there, after he slightly opened his lips seeming to

want to say something, he sunk into silence and glared at me fixedly. As I

returned a few steps back thinking something had happened, for some reason Al

cut himself between us to hold me back. While my line of sight was not

completely blocked, he was exulting the kind of att.i.tude that was saying he

wouldn’t allow me to go back. When I was puzzling over his unusually firm

behavior,

“Iria” Soleil called once again. “…

You, why are you…”

            This

time, he broke the silence and started to say something, but as before he

seemed to change his mind half-way and shut his mouth. His expression looked

like he was sorrowful but also looked like it was not different from usual. I

thought that, as expected, he was a person hard to read. Except for when Silvia

was before him.

“Big brother, let’s go quickly!”

            Silvia

seemed to become impatient in front of our strange silent interactions and

called out to him while acting like a spoiled kid. That action I could never

ever do, my little sister could pull it of naturally. Her long hairs softly

swayed, and even though I was standing at some distance away, a sweet scent

wafted toward me. Her hairs were partly gathered at the top of her head but the

rest were falling loosely on her back. This hairstyle drawn out to the maximum the

charm of her beautiful hairs which were like silver threads.

“Big brother!”

“…Hmm, let’s go.”

            Before

long, the two of them walked away together, looking as if nothing had happened

in spite of the earlier halt.

“My lady…”

            As

I was gazing over their retreating figures, Al called me with a worried voice.

“The one who will see others off,

who will follow them with their eyes until they are out of sight, will always

be me, right?”

“… My lady.”

“The one left behind, will always be

me.”

            When

I thought back on everything that had happened, it had always been like this

since the beginning. Since the time I introduced the two of them at that tea

party.

            As

I remained beside the two of them who have established an emotional bond, my

own emotions were always left behind.