_Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)._ "Please, sir, may I--may I--have gas?"]

ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"

"Certainly, Effie!"

"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BY AUTHORITY."--_Street Boy (sternly)._ "P'lice-Serge'nt says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (_more meekly_) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Gentleman (who has received a present of b.u.t.ter from one of his tenants)._ "And how does your mother make all these beautiful patterns on the pats, my dear?"

_Messenger._ "_Wiv our comb, sir!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A FATAL OBJECTION

"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very expensive!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Lady._ "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"

_Little Boy._ "No--boo-hoo--I've found a street I don't know!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ENFANT TERRIBLE"

"I've brought you a gla.s.s of wine, Mr. Professor. _Please_ drink it!"

"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"

"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you----!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION

"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's 'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WELL OUT OF IT"

_Uncle._ "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"

_Ethel (promptly)._ "Yeth, uncle."

_Uncle._ "And who are your enemies, dear?"

_Ethel (in an awful whisper)._ "The dev----"

[_The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the subject._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR CHILDREN

_Nurse._ "You dreadful children! Where _have_ you been?"

_Young Hopeful._ "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear little ducks, but they _will_ come to the top!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Auntie._ "Do you know you are playing with two very naughty little boys, Johnny?"

_Johnny._ "Yes."

_Auntie._ "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?"

_Johnny._ "Because their mothers won't let them!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK

_Gwendoline._ "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession, and I think he's quite right!"

_Mamma._ "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"

_Gwendoline._ "I mean to be a professional beauty!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.--_Master George (whispers)._ "I say!

Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '_a lovely spoonful of delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice_'?" _Miss Kitty._ "Ess Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" _Master George._ "THEN DON'T TAKE IT!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EVIL COMMUNICATIONS &c.--_Elder of Twins._ "It's _very_ vulgar to say 'you be _blowed_' to each other, like those men do. Isn't it, Uncle Fred?"

_Uncle Fred._ "I believe it _is_ generally considered so, my dear!"