BILLIARD NOTES BY DUMB-CRAMBO

[Ill.u.s.tration: SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A.

"But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to see him for?"

"I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Millionaire._ "Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why, bless yer, I've got _cellars_ full of 'em!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE EXHIBITION"]

_Infuriated Outsider._ "R-r-r-rejected, sir!----Fwanos.p.a.ce, sir!" (_With withering emphasis._) "'Want--of--s.p.a.ce--sir!!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?"

"Not ven dere ish anypotty apout."

"How's that?"

"Dey _von't let me_!"]

ROCHEFOUCAULDIANA

There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold.

When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to look for it is the place where he has lost it.

No gift so fatal as that of singing. The princ.i.p.al question asked, upon insuring a man's life, should be, "Do you sing a good song?"

Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them without any leading at all.

To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for waiters, than waiters for gentlemen.

To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision.

Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is able to discover objects at the greatest distance with the naked eye, which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was rich.

If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some one to sing a song.

The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore.

The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning of his life.

If you wish to borrow 5 ask for 10.

WHAT BROWN SAID

SCENE--_Hall of the Elysium Club_

_Enter_ Smith, F.R.S., _meeting_ Brown, Q.C.

_Smith._ Raw day, eh?

_Brown._ Very _raw_. Glad when it's _done_.

[_Exit_ Brown, Q.C. _Exit_ Smith, F.R.S., _into smoking-room, where he tells a good thing that_ Brown _said_.

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT THE ACADEMY

_Miss Jones._ "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"

_Eccentric Artist._ "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!"

_Miss Jones._ "How wonderful! What did the papers say?"

_Eccentric Artist._ "Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested 's.p.a.ce.'"]