[Ill.u.s.tration: A LAMENT

_Dowager._ "It's been the worst season I can remember, Sir James! All the men seem to have got married, and none of the girls!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: JOYS OF THE SEASIDE

_Brown._ "What beastly weather! And the gla.s.s is going steadily down!"

_Local Tradesman._ "Oh, that's nothing, sir. The gla.s.s has no effect whatever on _our_ part of the coast!"]

THE BETTER THE DAY, THE BETTER THE TALK!

[Ill.u.s.tration: BROAD-STARES]

SCENE--_Any fashionable Watering-place where "Church Parade" is a recognised inst.i.tution._

TIME--_Sunday_, 1 P.M. _Enter_ Brown _and_ Mrs. Brown, _who take chairs_.

_Mrs. Brown._ Good gracious! Look another way! Those odious people, the Stiggingses, are coming towards us!

_Brown._ Why odious? I think the girls rather nice.

_Mrs. B._ (_contemptuously_). Oh, _you_ would, because men are so easily taken in! Nice, indeed! Why, here's Major b.u.t.tons.

_B._ (_moving his head sharply to the right_). Don't see him! Can't stand the fellow! I always avoid him at the Club!

_Mrs. B._ Why? Soldiers are always such pleasant men.

_B._ (_contemptuously_). b.u.t.tons a soldier! Years ago he was a Lieutenant in a marching regiment, and now holds honorary rank in the Volunteers! Soldier, indeed! Bless me! here's Mrs. Fitz-Flummery--mind you don't cut her.

_Mrs. B._ Yes, I shall; the woman is unsupportable. Did you ever see _such_ a dress. And she has changed the colour of her hair--again!

_B._ Whether she has or hasn't, she looks particularly pleasing.

_Mrs. B._ (_drily_). You were always a little eccentric in your taste!

Why, surely there must be Mr. Pennyfather Robson. How smart he looks!

Where _can_ he have come from?

_B._ The Bankruptcy Court! (_Drily._) You were never particularly famous for discrimination. As I live, the Plantagenet Smiths!

[_He bows with effusion._

_Mrs. B._ And the Stuart Joneses. (_She kisses her hand gushingly_). By the way, dear, didn't you say that the Plantagenet Smiths were suspected of murdering their uncle before they inherited his property?

_B._ So it is reported, darling. And didn't you tell me, my own, that the parents of Mr. Stuart Jones were convicts before they became millionaires?

_Mrs. B._ So I have heard, loved one. (_Starting up._) Come, Charley, we must be off at once! The Goldharts! If they catch us, _she_ is sure to ask me to visit some of her sick poor!

_B._ And _he_ to beg me to subscribe to an orphanage or a hospital!

Here, take your prayer-book, or people won't know that we have come from church!

[_Exeunt hurriedly._

[Ill.u.s.tration: ROW ME O!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CURLEW]

AT SCARBOROUGH.--_Miss Araminta Dove._ Why do they call this the Spa?

_Mr. Rhino-Ceros._ Oh! I believe the place was once devoted to boxing exhibitions.

[_Miss A.D. as wise as ever._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BY THE SAD SEA WAVES"

_Landlady_ (_who has just presented her weekly bill_). "I 'ope, ma'am, as you find the bracing hair agree with you, ma'am, and your good gentleman, ma'am!"

_Lady._ "Oh, yes, our appet.i.tes are wonderfully improved! For instance, at home we only eat two loaves a day, and I find, from your account, that we can manage eight!"

[_Landlady feels uncomfortable._

[Ill.u.s.tration: RATHER DIFFICULT

"Oh, I say, here comes that dismal bore, Bulkley! Let's pretend _we don't see him_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PESSIMISM

_Artist_ (_irritated by the preliminaries of composition and the too close proximity of an uninteresting native_). "I think you needn't wait any longer. There's really nothing to look at just now."

_Native._ "Ay, an' I doot there'll _never_ be muckle to look at there!"]