_Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins_ (_together_). "It's all right, sir!--_so's our little gal!_"

[Ill.u.s.tration: MIXED BATHING

_Fussy Landlady_ (_to new Lodger_). "Well, sir, if you'll only tell me when you want a bath, _I'll see you have it_."]

BY THE SEASIDE

(_A Gasp and a Growl from Paterfamilias Fogey_)

[Ill.u.s.tration]

In for it here, Six weeks or more, Once every year (Yah, what a bore!) Daughters and wife Force me to bide Mad to "see life"

By the seaside!

Go out of town What if we do?

Hither comes down All the world too; Vanity Fair, Fashion and Pride, Seeking fresh air By the seaside.

Drest up all hands-- Raiment how dear!-- Down on the sands, Out on the Pier, Pace to and fro, See, as at Ryde, Off how they show By the seaside!

Fops and fine girls, Swarm, brisk as bees; Ribbons and curls Float on the breeze; Females and males Eye and are eyed; Ogling prevails By the seaside!

Daughters may see Some fun in that.

Wife, how can she, Grown old and fat?

Scene I survey But to deride, Idle display By the seaside.

Views within reach, Picturesque scenes, Rocks on the beach, Bathing machines, Shingle and pools, Left by the tide, Youth, far from schools, By the seaside.

Artists may sketch, Draw and design, Pencil, or etch; Not in my line.

Money, no end, Whilst I am tied Here, I must spend, By the seaside!

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Snooks_ (_to new acquaintance_). "Tell yer what, look in one evenin' and 'ave a bit of supper, if you don't mind 'avin it in the kitchen. Yer see, we're plain people, and don't put on no side. Of course, I know as a toff like you 'ud 'ave it in the _drawing-room_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TORQUAY (TALKEY)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HASTINGS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: GENTILITY IN GREENS

_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago._

_Greengrocer._ "Cabbage, mum!? We don't keep no second-cla.s.s vegetables, mum. You'll get it at the lower end o' the town!"]

SEASIDE VIEWS

[Ill.u.s.tration: KINGSWEAR]

_Tom Jones_ (_in love_). The most heavenly place I ever was in. The sun is warmer, the sky bluer, the sea the calmest I ever knew. Joy sparkles on every pebble; Art spreads its welcome arms through every spray of seaweed. True happiness encircles me on every breeze, and Beauty is by my side.

_Old Jones._ Beastly slow. All sea and sky, and ugly round stones. You can't bask in the sun because there is none--it's always raining--and because the flints worry your back. Confound the children, sc.r.a.ping up the wet sand and smelling seaweeds! It must be time for them to go to bed or to lessons or something. Wherever you sit there is sure to be a draught, and such heaps of old women you can't put your legs up on the seat. Hang it all, there isn't a young girl in the place, let alone pretty ones.

[Ill.u.s.tration: O-SHUN Sh.e.l.lS!]

_Young Brown_ (_waiting for a Commission_). Awfully dull. Quite too excessively detestable. Not a fellow to talk to, you know, who knows anything about the Leger, or draw-poker, or modern education, you know.

Can't get introduced to Lady Tom Peeper. n.o.body to do it. Wish my moustache would curl. Pull it all day, you know, but it won't come. Lady Tom smiled, on the Parade to-day. Got very red, but I shall smile too to-morrow. A man must do something in this dreadful place.

_Major Brown_ (_Heavies_). Not half bad kind of diggings. Quite in clover. Found Lydia here--I mean Lady Tom Peeper. Horribly satirical woman, though. Keeps one up to the mark. I shall have to read up to keep pace with her. I shouldn't like to be chaffed by her. Better friend than enemy. Poor Tom Peeper! he must have a bad time of it! Can't say "Bo"

to a gosling. And she knows it. That's why he never comes down here.

Coast clear. Fancy she's rather sweet on me. By Jove! we had a forty-mile-an-hour-express flirtation before her marriage! Must take care what I'm about now. Mustn't have a collision with Tom--good old man, after all, if he is a fool. Take this note round, Charles, to the same place.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CUTTER ON THE BEECH]

_Mrs. Robinson_ (_Materfamilias_). Scarcely room to swing a cot, for baby. Thank goodness, all the children are on the beach. I hope Mary Ann won't let out to the other nurses that Totty had the scarlet fever. He's quite well now, poor little man, and no one will be any the worse for it. Horrid! of course. No, it is not a Colorado beetle, Robinson. They infest the curtains; we did not bring them with us in our trunks. Do go out and buy some insect-powder, instead of looking stupid behind that nasty cigar. Oh, and get some soap and some tooth-powder, and order baby's tonic, and Jane's iron--mind, sesqui-sulphate of iron (I suppose I must find the prescription), and a box of--what's that stuff for sore throats? And do hire a perambulator with a hood. And we have no dessert for to-morrow--you know, or you ought to know, it's Sunday. Some fruit, and what you like. Oh! and don't forget some biscuits for the dog. What has become of Tiny? Tiny! Tiny! I know he did not go with the children.

I dare say he has eaten something horrid, and is dying under a chair.

Dear! dear! who would be mother of a family with such a careless, thoughtless, quite too utterly selfish husband as you are. Of course you never remembered to-day was my birthday. I ought never to have been born. A bracelet or a pair of ear-rings--or, by the way, I saw a lovely chatelaine on the Parade. You might find enough to give me one pleasure since our wedding.

_Robinson_ (_Paterfamilias_). I like the seaside, I do. When will it be over?

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SANDY COVE]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A FRAGMENT

Augustus knows a certain snug retreat-- A little rocky cavern by the sea-- Where, sheltered from the rain (and every eye), He fondly hopes to breathe his tale of love Into his artless Arabella's ear!...]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LONGING FOR A NEW SENSATION

_Jack_ (_a naughty boy, who is always in disgrace, and most deservedly_). "I say, Effie, do you know what I should like? I should like to be accused of something I'd never done!"]