[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE STALLS

Time past--Crinoline era]

APPROPRIATE SHAKESPEARIAN MOTTO FOR A FIRM OF ADVERTISING AGENTS.--"Posters of the sea and land."

QUID PRO QUO.--_Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author)._ What I want is a one-part piece.

_Dramatic Author._ That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and "part" to me.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE STALLS

Time present--Fan development]

_Araminta._ Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"?

_Corydon (the playwright)._ Because they always stifle the author.

[_Smiles no more during the evening._

THE MUMMER'S BeTE-NOIRE.--"_Benefits_ forgot."

[Ill.u.s.tration: MITIGATING CIRc.u.mSTANCES

_Sangazur, Senior._ "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about your wanting to marry an actress?"

_Sangazur, Junior._ "It's quite true, sir. But--er--you can have no conception how _very poorly_ she acts!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A STUDIED INSULT.--_Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse Show)._ "Box or two stalls, sir?" _Murphy._ "What the dev'l d'ye mane?

D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible, moind!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SLEEPING BEAUTY."--"Nervous? oh dear no! I only acted _once_ in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What _was_ the part?"

"_Can't you guess?_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: COLLABORATEURS.--Jennings and Bellamy, the famous dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and pa.s.sion, in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is the shorter of the two.)]

WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS

(_From the Common-place Book of a Novelist_)

Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on the stage.

Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than actor-managers.

Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place--except in novels.

Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only three years to compose a novel?

Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us.

Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a fairly successful play yields as many thousands--why be influenced by mercenary motives?

Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no time left for outside labour.

And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I _have_ tried to write _one_, and find I can't quite manage it!

[Ill.u.s.tration: HER FIRST PLAY.--_Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a great treat, to a morning performance)._ "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"

_Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage)._ "But, mummy,--_they're_ talking!"]

_Q._ When are the affairs of a theatre likely to a.s.sume a somewhat fishy aspect? _A._ When there's a sole lessee.

_Evangeline._ Why is this called the dress circle mamma?

_Mamma._ Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.

A FORM OF EQUESTRIAN DRAMA.--Horseplay.