[Ill.u.s.tration: Mellow drammer]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FIRST NIGHT OF AN UNAPPRECIATED MELODRAMA.--_He._ "Are we alone?" _Voice from the Gallery._ "No, guv'nor; but you will be to-morrow night."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE COMMISSARIAT

_Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments)._ "We must hev beef sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they can't blow!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A NOTE AND QUERY

_Wife (given to literature and the drama)._ "George, what is the meaning of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the old dramatists?"

_Husband (not a reading man)._ "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless---- Well,--p'raps he was going to say----but thought it wouldn't sound proper!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS!

_Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play)._ "And then that _darling_ Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek G.o.d, drew his stiletto, and delivered, oh! _such_ an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb--all in blank verse--like heavenly music on the organ!"

_He._ "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank verse than he can fly."

_She._ "Ah, well--it was very beautiful, all the same--all about love and death, you know!"

_He._ "Who wrote the piece, then?"

_She._ "Who wrote the piece? Oh--er--well--his name's sure to be on the bill somewhere--at least I _suppose_ it is!"]

FROM OUR GENERAL THEATRICAL FUND.--Why would a good-natured dramatic critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes to pieces easily.

MEM. BY A MANAGER

To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing.

In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing,"

And though a man may do the best he can, sir, _Anser_ will hiss, though hissing may not answer!

REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE

"A POOR player, Who struts and frets his hour on the stage, And then--goes in society."

[Ill.u.s.tration: A solo on the horn]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.--_Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a distinguished amateur from town)._ "Now, I call it a beastly shame, Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you know I can't go back to the inn like _this_."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene I.--The Tragic Mews]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene II.--The Comic Mews]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AMBIGUOUS.--_First Actress._ "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to say I can't act." _Second Ditto._ "Surely a certificate isn't necessary, dear?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Tenor (at amateur concert)._ "It's my turn next, and I'm so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me, Miss Brown?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mrs. Smith._ "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of elevating the stage." _Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse of the stage all the afternoon)._ "Well--er--it would come to much the same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_The Countess._ "Will this cruel war _never_ end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return.

But, hark! what is that I hear?"

[_Stage direction.--"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't rehea.r.s.ed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the local cornet-player who helped us on the night._

[Ill.u.s.tration: Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has a private performance of his own in the nursery.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mazeppa._ "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"]