[_Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations._

_Stage Man._ Places, ladies and gentlemen.

_Mr. Footlyte._ Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I have completely rewritten the second act, and----

_The Stranger in the Ulster._ But, sir, I beg of you to remember----

_Mr. F._ Who is that man?

_Everybody._ We don't know!

_Mr. F. (advancing)._ Who are you, sir, who dare to trespa.s.s on my premises?

_The S. in the U._ Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte?

_Mr. F._ No, sir, I do not. What's your business?

_The S. in the U. (nervously)._ I am the author of the piece.

_Everybody._ Ha! ha! ha!

_Mr. F._ Then you're not wanted here. (_To stage manager._) Jenkins, clear the stage.

[_The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain._

MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT.--_Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after production of his new comedy)._ And what did you think of my little piece the other night?

_Miss Lagushe._ I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for _you_!

NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME

Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think About the relation 'twixt drama and drink.

Well, give hall--and theatre--good wholesome diet, And all who attend will be sober and quiet!

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Younger Son of Ducal House._ "Mother, allow me to introduce to you--my wife."

_His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre)._ "How do, d.u.c.h.ess? I'm the latest thing in mesalliances!"]

HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS.

_Of the Essence of Drama._--It is not strictly necessary that you should know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk, and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice, or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.

_Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing._--Owing to the compet.i.tion nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show that it _is_ poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to elope with the heroine (already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand, will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage carpenter will attend to these.

_Of Humour._--Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however, that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will be surpa.s.sed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a stage-direction.

_Of Dialogue._--Speeches of more than half a page, though useful for clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect, no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes in recitation.

_Of the Censorship._--This need not be feared unless you are unduly serious. Lady G.o.diva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in problems.

MOTTO FOR THE STAGE-WORSHIPPERS.--"Mummer's the word!"

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE OF HER OPINION

_Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor)._ "Oh, do you know, Mr.

Starleigh, I'm simply _mad_ to go on the stage!" _Famous Actor._ "Yes, I should think you _would_ be, my dear young lady!"]

THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA

Mundungus deems the drama is declining, Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks.

The secret of his pessimist opining, Is--all _his_ dramas _are_ declined--with thanks!

CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES

(_For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art_)

'Tis the voice of the prompter, I hear him quite plain; He has prompted me twice, Let him prompt me again.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would prevent the men going out between the acts.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: First night of musical comedy. The authors called before the curtain.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to "Tristan und Isolde"--quite audibly)._ "Well, thank goodness we're in _plenty of time!_"]