Managers of theatres think differently.

LEG-ITIMATE SUCCESSES.--Modern extravaganzas.

THEATRICAL.--The only people who never suffer in the long run--managers of theatres.

"STANDING ORDERS."--Free admissions who can't get seats.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"

_Husband_ (_after the Adagio, to musical wife_). "My dear, are we going to stay to the 'bitter end'?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA.

_Manager_ (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "My dear fellow, I've brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged _such_ a scena for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?--Yes, and we can have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of smoke from the funnel, close behind your head--in fact, you'll be enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"]

AT A PROBLEM PLAY.--_Mr. d.i.n.kershein_ (_eminent critic_). How did you enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider?

_Miss MacGuider._ Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all about.

_Mr. d.i.n.kershein._ Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of.

QUESTION AND ANSWER.--"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I?

NOT EXACTLY A THEATRICAL MANAGER'S GUIDING MOTTO.--"Piece at any price."

OUR SHAKSPEARIAN SOCIETY.--In the course of a discussion, Mrs. ---- observed, that she was positive that Shakspeare was a butcher by trade, because an old uncle of hers had bought _lambs' tails from Shakspeare_.

"SOUND DUES."--Fees to opera box-keepers.

COPYRIGHT AND COPYWRONG.--The dramatist who dramatises his neighbour's novel against his will, is less a playwright than a plagiary.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "CROSS OLD THING!"--_Wife._ "I'm going into town now, dear. Shall I book places for _Caste_ or _Much ado about Nothing_?"

_Husband._ "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough 'Ado about Nothing' at home!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_Brown (rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac")._ "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'Tis well--but no mat-tar-r!" _Housemaid (to cook, outside the door)._ "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to missis!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TECHNICAL.--_First Player_ ("_Juvenile Lead_"). Play Scene--Hamlet. (_Deferentially_). "What do you think of it?" _Second Player_ ("_First Heavy_"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted, ain't they?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.--_Stern Hostess (who is giving private theatricals)._ "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've begun long ago!" _Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that particular form of entertainment)._ "What! You don't mean to say they're at it still!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MODEST APPEAL.--_Lady (to big drum)._ "Pray, my good man, don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"]

A MODERN REHEARSAL

_Leading Lady (to Stage Manager)._ Who's that man in the ulster coat talking to the call-boy?

_Stage Manager._ Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for his cackle. Ah! here he is.

_Splitter._ Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me.

_Stage Man._ Of course I will. Capital idea. (_Marks prompt-book._) I wonder who that chap is in the wing?

_Splitter._ Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo, Wobbler, brought your new song?

_Wobbler._ Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital wheezes.

_Splitter._ No poaching, old chap.

_Wobbler._ Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning, Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose?

_Miss Skid (brightly)._ I'm always "perfect." But--(_seriously_)--I had to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss!