"No? " "

"I'm Simon Peter. " "

"Simon Peter? The apostle? " "

"I-eleven. Under the G-fourteen. Bingo, Mrs. Gandhi! " "

There was a pause. "Why do you refer to me as Mrs. Gandhi, Mr. "Why do you refer to me as Mrs. Gandhi, Mr.

Birdsey? " "

"Why? Because you dress the part. " "

"I do? Do you mean my sari? " "

No answer.

"When you say you are Simon Peter, Mr. Birdsey, do you mean by that that you emulate him or that you feel you are his physical embodiment? that you emulate him or that you feel you are his physical embodiment? " "

236 236.

"Who wants to know and why? " "

"I do, because I'm trying to understand you. To help you if I can. " "

Deep, impatient sigh. Speaking in a revved-up mumble, Thomas began to murmur Scripture. "Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it; I will build my church; and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it; I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of Heaven; and whatsoever thou give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of Heaven; and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven. shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven. " Thomas stopped, came up for air. " " Thomas stopped, came up for air. "Are you following me, Mrs. Gandhi? I'm a fisher of souls! The keeper of the keys! It's not my idea; it's God's. How do you like keeper of the keys! It's not my idea; it's God's. How do you like them them apples, Suzie Q? apples, Suzie Q? " "

"Suzie Q? Why am I Suzie Q? " "

"How should I know why you're Suzie Q? Go ask Suzie Wong. Go check in with Suzie McNamara. Go shit in your hat while you're at it. check in with Suzie McNamara. Go shit in your hat while you're at it. " "

I was leaning forward, staring at the tape recorder. When I looked up at Dr. Patel, I saw that she was watching me. "Umm?" I said, raising my hand.

She stopped the tape. "What is it, Mr. Birdsey?"

"Nothing, probably. It's just that . . . I don't even know if it means anything, but that was . . . that was what my stepfather used to call my mother sometimes. Suzie Q. For a second there, he sounded like Ray."

"Was Suzie Q your mother's nickname? Her name was Susan?"

"No. Her name was Concettina. Connie. My stepfather used to call her Suzie Q when he was . . ."

"Yes?"

Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed. Shaky. Demoted back to my childhood on Hollyhock Avenue. "When he was mad at her.

. . . When he was ridiculing her."

She jotted something down. "That's helpful, Mr. Birdsey. Thank you. This is exactly why I wanted to play the tape for you. You can provide insights and observations that I cannot get from reading your brother's medical records. Please feel free to interrupt the tape whenever there's something you want to tell me."

I nodded. "He's not usually like that, you know?" I said.

"Thomas."

237 237.

"Like what?"

"Snotty. Sarcastic. That go-shit-in-your-hat stuff."

She nodded. "It's all right, Mr. Birdsey. I hear much worse in the course of a day. After some of the things I hear, 'Go shit in your hat'

sounds almost courtly to me." She put her finger on the "play" button, then took it off again. "Your stepfather?" she said. "Was he often often derisive?" derisive?"

I didn't answer at first. Then I nodded.

"Relax, Mr. Birdsey."

"I am am relaxed." She looked unconvinced. " relaxed." She looked unconvinced. "Really. I I am. am. " "

"Look at your hands," she said. "Listen to your breathing."

Each hand was a fist. My breathing was fast and shallow. I flexed my fingers back and forth. "Better?" she said.

"I'm fine. He sounds pretty fried, though, doesn't he? My brother? On the tape?"

"Fried?"

"He's worse, I mean. Worse than he was when he was at Shanley, right after. . . . I was hoping that when you said you'd made some progress today, I was hoping . . ." That's when I lost it. My chest heaved. My sobs came from nowhere. Dr. Patel handed me her box of tissues.

I looked away from her. Blew my nose. "I thought . . . I thought when I came in here and saw this Kleenex box that you had them on hand for, I don't know, hysterical housewives or something. Women whose husbands just dumped them. I feel like a jerk."

"Grief has no gender, Mr. Birdsey," she said.

I took another tissue. Blew my nose again. "Is that what this is?

Grief?"

"Why wouldn't you grieve, Mr. Birdsey? Your twin brother is, as you said, an abandoned house. If no one is home, then someone is missing. So you grieve."

I stuffed the used tissue into my shirt pocket. Handed her back the box. "Yeah, but you'd think by now. . . . You figure you got a lid on things and then. . . ."

"Mr. Birdsey, human beings are not like-oh, those plastic con- 238 238.

tainers-what are they called? The ones Americans buy at parties?"

"At parties? . . . Tupperware, you mean?"

"Yes, yes. That's it. People are not like Tupperware, with their lids on securely. Nor should should they be, although the more I work with American men, the more I see it is their perceived ideal. Which is nonsense, really. they be, although the more I work with American men, the more I see it is their perceived ideal. Which is nonsense, really. Very Very unhealthy, Mr. Birdsey. Not something to aspire to at all. Never." She was waving that scolding finger at me again. unhealthy, Mr. Birdsey. Not something to aspire to at all. Never." She was waving that scolding finger at me again.

I looked over at her grinning statue. "Hey, do me a favor, will you?" I said. "Call me Dominick."

"Yes, yes. Very good. Dominick. Shall we go on, then?"

I nodded. Her finger hit the "play" button.

"Mr. Birdsey, tell me a little bit about yourself. " "

"Why? So you can sell my secrets to the Iraqis? Hand my head on a platter to the CIA? platter to the CIA? " "

"I have no connections to the CIA or to the Iraqis, Mr. Birdsey. No hidden agendas whatsoever. My only agenda is to help you get better. To hidden agendas whatsoever. My only agenda is to help you get better. To take away some of your pain. Some of your burden. take away some of your pain. Some of your burden. " "

No response.

"You know, we have been talking to each other for several days now, and yet I know very little about your family. Tell me about them and yet I know very little about your family. Tell me about them."

Silence.

"Your mother is deceased, correct? " "

Nothing.

"And you have a stepfather? " "

Silence.

"And a brother? " "

"A twin twin brother. We're identical twins. . . . He likes to read brother. We're identical twins. . . . He likes to read."

"He does? " ""You should see his house. It's filled with books. He's very, very intelligent. " "

I smiled and shook my head. "That's me," I said. "Joe Einstein."

"And how about you, Mr. Birdsey? Do you like to read, too? " "

"I read the Bible. I'm memorizing it. " "

239 239.

"Yes? Why is that? " "

"Because of the Communists. " "

"I don't understand. " "

"If they take over, it's the first thing they'll do. Ban the Holy Word of God. So I'm memorizing it. If they ever find out, I'll be a hunted man. God. So I'm memorizing it. If they ever find out, I'll be a hunted man.

My life won't be worth a plugged nickel. I've seen their game plan. They don't realize it, but I have. don't realize it, but I have. " "

"So the Bible is the only thing you read? Not newspapers or magazines? Or other books? " "

"I read newspapers. I don't have time for books. Or the patience. I had my concentration stolen from me, you know? Not wholly. Partially. my concentration stolen from me, you know? Not wholly. Partially. " "

"Stolen? " "

"When I was seventeen. Our family dentist was working secretly for the KGB. He planted a device in me that damaged my ability to concentrate. I went to college, you know. Did you know that? the KGB. He planted a device in me that damaged my ability to concentrate. I went to college, you know. Did you know that? " "

"Yes, I read it in your record. " "

"I couldn't concentrate. Dr. Downs, his name was. They expelled him during the Carter administration. Kept it very hush-hush. during the Carter administration. Kept it very hush-hush. " "

"This is your dentist you're referring to? " "

"That was his cover. They convicted him on my testimony. They wanted to execute him, but I said no. I talked to Jimmy Carter about it wanted to execute him, but I said no. I talked to Jimmy Carter about it over the phone. He called me up and said, 'What'll we do?' and I said over the phone. He called me up and said, 'What'll we do?' and I said 'Thou shalt not kill. Period.' I'm not a hypocrite. Who are you playing this tape for, anyway? tape for, anyway? " "

"You don't remember? I'm playing it for Lisa Sheffer and your brother. I'd also like to play portions to Dr. Chase if that's okay, although brother. I'd also like to play portions to Dr. Chase if that's okay, although you said earlier you have some reservations about- you said earlier you have some reservations about-"

"Do you think Muslims can't change their names? Obtain false identification? It's going to be put in a safe, isn't it? This tape? " "

"A safe? " "

"A safe! A vault! If you can't secure this cassette, then I'm stopping right now. If this tape got into the wrong hands, there could be major right now. If this tape got into the wrong hands, there could be major repercussions repercussions. Major ones. ones. " "

"Relax, Mr. Birdsey. All of your medical records are safeguarded, including the tapes of our discussions. You have my word. Now, we were including the tapes of our discussions. You have my word. Now, we were 240 240 240.

talking before about your brother. Is he a good brother? " "

No answer.

"Mr. Birdsey? I asked you if your brother is a good brother. " "

"He's average. " "

I shook my head. Had to smile. "Now there's a rousing endorsement," I said.

"I went to his class once. When he was a teacher. I was an invited guest guest."

He was?

"You were? " "

"My mother and I went. It was an open house at his school. " "

"Yes? " "

"People thought I was Dominick. One of the parents came up to me and thanked me for helping her daughter. and thanked me for helping her daughter. " "

"So you and your brother are hard to tell apart? " "