Dr. Patel said. "I acquired the habit later on when I was in my twenties. During my London days."

I wasn't sure why, exactly, but I was starting to like her in spite of myself. "Is that where you studied psychology?" I said. "In England?"

This was the kind of small talk I usually had no patience for.

"Oh, no, no. When I was in London, I was earning a degree in anthropology. I got my psychology degree later on at the University 231 231.

of Chicago. I studied with Bettelheim. Do you know his work? Dr.

Bruno Bettelheim?"

I shrugged.

"Oh, you must read him! The Uses of Enchantment, The Informed The Uses of Enchantment, The Informed Heart. Heart. Splendid works." Splendid works."

"So you're both, then?" I said. "A psychologist and and an anthropologist?" an anthropologist?"

She nodded. "Actually, my interest in the one field led led to the other. to the other.

They're quite interrelated, you know. The stories of the ages and the collective unconscious. Have you ever read Jung, Mr. Birdsey?"

"A long time ago. In college."

"How about Joseph Campbell? Or Claude Levi-Strauss? Or Heinrich Zimmer?"

"I'm a housepainter," I said.

"But surely, Mr. Birdsey, you must read other things besides the side of a paint can." Her smile, her soft, nasaly voice cut against the sarcasm. "Your brother says you're an avid reader. That your house is filled with books. He was quite animated when he was telling me about you. He seems so proud of your mind."

"Yeah, right," I laughed.

"Oh, I'm serious, Mr. Birdsey. You think otherwise?"

"I think . . . I think Thomas doesn't focus much on anything or anyone beyond Thomas."

"Elaborate, please."

"Because of his disease. He can't can't think beyond himself. . . . Compared to, you know, the way he used to be." think beyond himself. . . . Compared to, you know, the way he used to be."

"How did he used to be?"

"Before the illness?"

She nodded.

"Well . . . when we were kids, he used to worry about me all the time. I used to get into things, you know? Take chances. Take risks.

And he'd get nervous about it. Try to talk me out of it. He was always worried about me."

"What kinds of risks did you take?"

"Oh, you know. Climb ledges we weren't supposed to climb. Jump 232 232.

off the garage roof. Cut through people's yards. Kid stuff. But Thomas would always hang back. Warn me I was going to get in trouble or get hurt or something. He was as big a worrywart as she was."

"Your mother?"

"Yeah."

"So when you look back, you would say that you were the more adventurous brother?"

"My mother used to call Thomas the bunny rabbit and me the spider monkey because . . . well, who cares, right? I'm going off on a tangent here."

"No, no. Continue, please. You were the spider monkey because . . . ?"

"Because I was always getting into everything. I was Curious George." She smiled. Waited. "He's a . . . a character in a kid's book. A little monkey who's always getting into-"

"Indeed, he is, Mr. Birdsey. An inquisitive little fellow. My granddaughter would have me read her Curious George Curious George day and night if she had her way. But go on. You were the more curious brother and Thomas was more . . . ?" day and night if she had her way. But go on. You were the more curious brother and Thomas was more . . . ?"

"More mellow, I guess."

"Excuse me, please. By that, do you mean more relaxed or more fearful of venturing forth?"

I looked up at her, impressed by her insight. "More fearful," I said.

She jotted something down. "The little bunny rabbit," she said.

"We were like that right from the beginning, I guess. That's what Ma used to say. Thomas would sit there in the playpen and watch me escape."

"Clarify something for me, Mr. Birdsey. Thomas was your mother's bunny rabbit because . . . ?"

"Because he was . . . soft, I guess. More affectionate. They were pretty close."

"Your mother and Thomas?"

"Yes."

"Closer than your mother and you?"

233 233.

I looked away. Nodded. Watched my fingers lace and unlace themselves.

"And what about your father?"

"What about him?" I snapped back.

Dr. Patel waited.

"We never knew our father. . . . Do you mean Ray? Our step step father?" father?"

"Yes, your stepfather. Which of you was closer to him? Or were you equally close?"

I laughed one of those nothing's-funny laughs. "We were equally distant."

"Yes?"

"Well, not distant. You couldn't get get much distance from Ray. He was always in your face. . . . Cautious, I guess you'd say. We were equally cautious of Ray." much distance from Ray. He was always in your face. . . . Cautious, I guess you'd say. We were equally cautious of Ray."

"Go on."

"He would . . . he used to pick on Thomas. I mean, he'd get on both our cases, but Thomas was the one who usually got it with both barrels. Thomas or Ma."

"And not you?"

"Uh, not so much. No."

"And how did that make you feel? To be the one of the three not getting it 'with both of the barrels'?"

"What? I don't know. . . . Good, in one way, I guess. Relieved.

But not so good, either."

"Not good how?"

"It made me feel . . . it made me feel . . ."

"Yes?"

"Guilty, I guess. And, I don't know . . . responsible. responsible. " "

"I don't understand. Responsible for . . . ?"

"For keeping them safe. They wouldn't stand up for themselves.

Neither of them. So it was always me who-hey, look, I'm I'm not the patient here. I thought we were talking about Thomas." not the patient here. I thought we were talking about Thomas."

"And so we are, Mr. Birdsey. You were saying that, before his illness began to manifest itself, he used to worry about you and that since its onset-"

234 234.

"It's like . . . there's nobody home at Thomas's anymore, you know?

I look at him sometimes and he's like . . . this abandoned building. No one's been home at Thomas's for years."

I watched her thinking. Waited. "This just occurred to me," she said. "When your brother expresses pride in your intellect, pleasure about all the books in your house," she said, "he may be celebrating the achievements of his mirror image-the part of himself that is free of the burden of his disease. Do you think that's plausible?"

I shrugged. "Couldn't tell you."

"In a sense, as your identical twin, he is you and you are he. More than most siblings, you are each other. No?"

My old fear: that I was as weak as Thomas. That one day, I'd look in the mirror and see a crazy man: my brother, the scary guy on the city bus that day. . . . When I tuned back to Dr. Patel, she was talking about anthropology.

"And, oh, my goodness, the myths of the world are laden laden with twins," she said. " with twins," she said. "Think about it, Mr. Birdsey. Castor and Pollux, Romulus and Remus. It's a fascinating aspect of the collective unconscious, really. The ultimate solution to human alienation. I assure you, Mr. Birdsey, whatever burdens you bear as a twin, the untwinned world is quite envious. Your own and Thomas's duality is something we might wish to play with later on as we try to help your brother. But, as usual, I am getting ahead of myself. Going sixty-five miles per hour when I should be going forty." about it, Mr. Birdsey. Castor and Pollux, Romulus and Remus. It's a fascinating aspect of the collective unconscious, really. The ultimate solution to human alienation. I assure you, Mr. Birdsey, whatever burdens you bear as a twin, the untwinned world is quite envious. Your own and Thomas's duality is something we might wish to play with later on as we try to help your brother. But, as usual, I am getting ahead of myself. Going sixty-five miles per hour when I should be going forty."

Laughing at her own little joke, she pushed the tape recorder's "rewind" button and set it whirring. "This is a cassette recording of my session with your brother from this afternoon," she said. "The one I told you about. I thought it might be useful to play it for you and to hear your reactions. And perhaps, if you are willing, you can share some of your your observations?" observations?"

I nodded. "Is this fair, though?"

"Fair? How do you mean?"

"In terms of-what do you call it? Patient confidentiality?"

The cassette clicked to an abrupt stop; the "rewind" button popped back up. "Ah, Mr. Birdsey, there you go again, worrying 235 235.

about my ethical intent. Listen." She depressed "play." Smiled down at the machine.

"Session with Thomas Birdsey, 2:30 P.M., 23 October 1990," Dr.

Patel's voice said. "Mr. Birdsey, you are aware I am taping our session today, are you not? today, are you not? " "

A muffled grunt, but unmistakably Thomas's.

"Would you speak up, please? Are you aware this is being taped? " "

" Yes, I'm aware. I'm aware of I'm aware of plenty." He sounded put out. Put upon. But it was a relief to hear his voice. plenty." He sounded put out. Put upon. But it was a relief to hear his voice.

"And I have your permission to replay the tape to the people we talked about? Your brother, Ms. Sheffer, Dr. Chase? about? Your brother, Ms. Sheffer, Dr. Chase? " "

There was a pause. "Not Dr. Chase. I changed my mind about him. " "

"Why is that? " "

"Because it's too risky. How do I know he's not working for the Iraqis?

In my line of work, you can't afford to take chances. " "

"Your line of work, Mr. Birdsey? What line of work is that? " "

"No comment. " "

"I'm just trying to understand, Mr. Birdsey. Do you mean your coffee and newspaper business or something else? and newspaper business or something else? " "

"Curiosity killed the cat, didn't it? Raid kills bugs dead. Don't check into the Roach Motel just yet, Dr. Earwig. into the Roach Motel just yet, Dr. Earwig. " "

Another pause. "Mr. Birdsey . . . I'm wondering if I may call you Thomas? Thomas? " "

"No, you may not. " "