"Very, very hard. Especially now that he wears contacts. When we hard. Especially now that he wears contacts. When we were younger, he had to wear glasses and I didn't. Then it was easy to tell were younger, he had to wear glasses and I didn't. Then it was easy to tell us apart. We were like Clark Kent and Superman. us apart. We were like Clark Kent and Superman. " "

Yeah, right, I thought. Thomas as the Man of Steel.

"I was going to be a teacher, like him. That's what I had decided to be. was going to be a teacher, like him. That's what I had decided to be.

Then things took a turn. " "

"A turn? What kind of turn? " "

"I was called. Chosen by God. And then, almost immediately, they started pursuing me. What nobody in America seems to realize-least of started pursuing me. What nobody in America seems to realize-least of all His Majesty George Herbert Walker Bush-is the similarity in their all His Majesty George Herbert Walker Bush-is the similarity in their names: S-A-D-D-A-M. S-A-T-A-N. Get it? Get it? GET IT? names: S-A-D-D-A-M. S-A-T-A-N. Get it? Get it? GET IT? " "

"His train of thought is like channel-surfing, isn't it?" I said.

"He was nice to his students. My brother. They liked him. They respected his brains. But he quit. respected his brains. But he quit. " "

"Why? " "

"I don't know. Something happened. " "

"What was that? " "

"I forget. I don't want to talk about it. " "

"And what does he do for a living now? Your brother? " "

"I forget. " "

241 241.

"You forget? " "

"He paints houses. I tell him, 'Watch out for the radioactive paint, Dominick,' but he doesn't listen to me. What do Dominick,' but he doesn't listen to me. What do I I know, right? I'm just know, right? I'm just the crazy brother. the crazy brother. " "

"Do you hear that, Dominick?" Dr. Patel said. "In his own way, he is still still worrying about your safety." worrying about your safety."

"Mr. Birdsey, let's change the subject for a minute. Shall we? " "

"Suit yourself. What do I care? " "

"Why don't we talk a little about what happened in the dining room at breakfast today? Do you remember what happened? The problem in at breakfast today? Do you remember what happened? The problem in the dining room? the dining room? " "

"I didn't start it. They did. " "

"Who? " "

His voice thinned-revved up a little. "I'm just sick of it, that's all.

They think they're such a covert operation, but they're not. They're so obvious, it's pathetic. I just wanted to let them know what amateurs they obvious, it's pathetic. I just wanted to let them know what amateurs they are. are. " "

"Who? " "

"How should I know? They're both after me. Either side would love to eat my flesh and drink my blood. eat my flesh and drink my blood. " He made a succession of weird gulping sounds. " He made a succession of weird gulping sounds.

"Are you afraid of something, Mr. Birdsey? Is that why you shouted and threw your food? and threw your food? " "

Pause. "Can I go now? I'm tired. When I agreed to enter this witness protection program, I didn't think I'd have to be interviewed all day long protection program, I didn't think I'd have to be interviewed all day long by underlings. No one said a word about interrogation. I'd prefer to speak by underlings. No one said a word about interrogation. I'd prefer to speak to someone at the top. to someone at the top. " "

"Could you answer my question, please? Are you afraid? " "

His voice sounded near tears. "Personally, I think it's the CIA.

They've messed with me before, you know? Beamed infrared lights on me.

Sucked out my thoughts like they were sucking a milkshake up a straw.

You think that's a pretty sight? Seeing your own gray matter go up a vacuum tube? Now I forget things, thanks to them. I FORGET things! I want to concentrate my efforts on the Persian Gulf-I want to be of service to God and my country-to let people know that God wants them to want to concentrate my efforts on the Persian Gulf-I want to be of service to God and my country-to let people know that God wants them to 242 242 242.

turn from Mammon to Him. But they distract me. They know how dangerous I am to them. Look what they did to one of yours! " "

"One of mine? " "

"Rushdie! Salman Rushdie! Read the newspapers, Mrs. Gandhi!

They silenced silenced him. Of course, that was completely different. That was him. Of course, that was completely different. That was heresy. When have heresy. When have I I ever blasphemed? What sacrilege have ever blasphemed? What sacrilege have I I committed? committed?

Bush used to head the CIA, you know? Did you know that? I suppose that's that's a coincidence? I've lost 35 percent of my brain cells. They're being a coincidence? I've lost 35 percent of my brain cells. They're being siphoned from me night and day, and there's not a damn thing I can do siphoned from me night and day, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it! about it! " "

I looked out the window, tapped my fist against my lip. I wanted her to stop the tape, but their voices went on and on.

"Mr. Birdsey, do you feel that the CIA and President Bush are in col-lusion? Trying to steal your thoughts? " "

"Trying and SUCCEEDING, thanks to their goddamned electric eyes. Their brain siphons. eyes. Their brain siphons. " "

"Why are they doing this, Mr. Birdsey? Why are they singling you out? out? " "

"Because of what I did. " "

"What did you do? " "

"This! " There was an unidentifiable noise on the tape, a staccato thumping sound. " There was an unidentifiable noise on the tape, a staccato thumping sound.

"Mr. Birdsey, please stop that now. I don't want you to hurt yourself. " "

I looked up quizzically at the doc, then suddenly realized what the sound was. "He was whacking his stump against something, wasn't he?"

She nodded. "Against the table where we were seated. Only for a moment, Dominick. Only to make his point."

"Jesus," I mumbled. Sighed.

"I followed God's dictate! Cast off the hand that sinneth! And it humiliated humiliated Bush. Rained on his Desert Shield parade. He hates the fact Bush. Rained on his Desert Shield parade. He hates the fact that I opened people's eyes. that I opened people's eyes. " "

"About? " "

"About the stupidity of war! About how, in his bumbling, incompe- 243 243.

tent way, Bush is going to bring about the end of the world unless I intervene. If he orders the bombing to begin, then we're done for. S-A-D-D-A-M. S-A-T-A-N. It's so OBVIOUS! Read your Bible, Suzie Q!

Read about the Pharisees and the moneylenders and the serpent in the garden. Be my ever-loving guest. garden. Be my ever-loving guest. " "

"Mr. Birdsey, when your thoughts are being robbed, what does it feel like? Can you feel it happening? like? Can you feel it happening? " "

A disgusted sigh. "Yes! " "

"Yes? " "

"During the day I can. Sometimes they do it while I'm asleep. " "

"Does it hurt? " "

"They're getting back at me. " "

"Does it hurt, Mr. Birdsey? Is there any pain when it happens? Any headache? headache? " "

"They can't just annihilate me-I'm too high-profile. Newsweek, Time, U.S. News & World Report. Newsweek, Time, U.S. News & World Report. I've been on the cover of every I've been on the cover of every major news magazine in this country. You people can hide all the newspapers and magazines from me that you want to, but I know about them. major news magazine in this country. You people can hide all the newspapers and magazines from me that you want to, but I know about them.

I have my sources. Don't think I don't. I'm one of People People magazine's 25 magazine's 25 Most Intriguing People of the Year. I have a following! They can't kill me, so they have to settle for mental cruelty. Incarceration. Brain theft. me, so they have to settle for mental cruelty. Incarceration. Brain theft.

He gets printouts, you know? Twice a day. " "

"Who does? " "

"George Bush, that's who! " "

"Okay," I said, bolting out of my chair. "That's enough enough!" I walked over to the window. Dr. Patel stopped the tape. "You call that session a breakthrough?" I said. "That crap he was just talking is progress progress?"

"Progress in that he was much more verbal than he had been.

Much more trusting and communicative. Which is good. May I pour you some more tea?"

I shook my head. Strapped my arms around myself.

"You're all right, Dominick?" she asked.

"It's just so weird. weird. How lost he is in this fantasy bullshit. In his own ego." How lost he is in this fantasy bullshit. In his own ego."

244 244.

"Well, Dominick, to a certain extent, that is true of us all. Just yesterday, I was on the road, hurrying to a meeting in Farmington when an elderly man pulled out from a side street. He was going twenty or twenty-five miles below the speed limit, and I caught myself wondering why this man was trying to make me late for my meeting." She laughed at her own folly.

"Yeah, but . . . presidents presidents studying his thoughts? Only studying his thoughts? Only he he can save the world?" can save the world?"

"It's narcissistic, yes. But please keep in mind that these grandiose delusions are not delusions to him. They are his reality. These mind-thefts and dangers are happening. happening. " "

"I know that, but-"

"Do you? When you say, 'I know that,' do you mean you understand it intellectually or that you can feel the fear and frustration as he must feel it? Imagine, Dominick, how frightening his days must be. How exhausting. The weight of the world is on his shoulders.

He can trust almost no one. What's interesting to me as an anthropologist-what fascinates me, really-is that he has assigned himself a task of mythic mythic proportions." proportions."

I looked up. Looked over at her.

"Your brother is alone in the universe. Lost to his twin, lost to a conventional life. He is afloat in a world of evil and malignant power, his mettle tested at every turn. Thomas is, in effect, starring himself in his own hero-myth."

"Hero-myth? That's a little bit of a stretch, isn't it? Aren't you mixing up your two majors a little there?"

Her smile was sad. "It's his futile attempt to order the world. Do you have children, Dominick?"

We lost eye contact. The little girl in the yellow leotard flashed before me. "Nope."

"Well, if you did," she said, "you would most likely read them not only Curious George Curious George but also fables and fairy tales. Stories where humans outsmart witches, where giants and ogres are felled and good triumphs over evil. Your parents read them to you and your brother. but also fables and fairy tales. Stories where humans outsmart witches, where giants and ogres are felled and good triumphs over evil. Your parents read them to you and your brother.

Did they not?"

245 245.

"My mother did," I said.

"Of course she did. It is the way we teach our children to cope with a world too large and chaotic for them to comprehend. A world that seems, at times, too random. Too indifferent. Of course, the religions of the world will do the same for you, whether you're a Hindu or a Christian or a Rosicrucian. They're brother and sister, really: children's fables and religious parables. I believe that both your brother's religiosity and his wholehearted belief in heroes and villains may be his brave but futile attempt to make the world orderly and logical. It's a noble struggle, in a sense, given the chaos his disease has put him up against.

At least, that's one way of interpreting it."

"Noble? What's so noble about it?"

"Because he is struggling to cure himself, Dominick. To rid himself of what must be his gravest fear: chaos. If he can somehow order the world, save save the world, then he can save himself. That was his motivation when he removed his hand in the library, was it not? To sacrifice himself? To stop the destruction that war inevitably brings? the world, then he can save himself. That was his motivation when he removed his hand in the library, was it not? To sacrifice himself? To stop the destruction that war inevitably brings?

Your brother is a very sick man, Dominick, but also a very good one and, I would venture to say, in some ways, even a noble noble one. I hope that gives you some small comfort." one. I hope that gives you some small comfort."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "He goes to the library and hacks off his freakin' hand. Gets the attention of every media bozo he can. . . . Yeah, it's been real comforting, Doc, I tell ya."

She said nothing. Waited. But I was finished.

If she were to work with Thomas long term, Dr. Patel told me-and whether or not she did would be the decision of the probate judge-her eventual goals would be to help him develop better insights about his behavior and to assist in honing such life skills as money management, the conscientious performance of household tasks, the conscientious taking of the medications that could maintain him outside of the hospital setting. "The thinking now is that long-term institutionalization prepares patients for nothing except more of the same," she said. "We would dwell on his future, your brother and I, not on his past. We would, perhaps, think in terms of successful group-home placement. But, of course, that is the cart 246 246.

before the horse. For now, his history is what is important to my understanding of who he is. And was."

"You're a little behind the times, aren't you?" I said.

"Yes? Explain."