There's more singing than anything else, but it lasts close to two hours, and we'd have to get there early to get a parking s.p.a.ce."

"That's okay," he said. "What time should we leave here?"

She thought back to last year. "Six-forty-five or a little later. We'll be real early, but I like to get a good seat."

"Okay. I'll come about six-thirty. I want to give you your Christmas present before we go."

Her Christmas present. He wouldn't be making a big deal out of giving her a Christmas present and offering to go to church with her if he was bored.

At least, she didn't think so.

Bill checked his hair and tie in the rearview mirror before getting out of the car. Church was important to Nik, and he wanted to show it the proper respect.

He greeted her with a simple kiss on the lips and a brief hug. This wasn't the time to demonstrate how powerful a kiss could be, not when it would be more than a week before they could do anything other than kiss.

They sat next to each other on the couch, and he slipped her present out of his pocket and handed it to her. He could barely breathe while she opened it, hoping she'd like it and at the same time, wishing that he'd been able to find something more special.

She took forever to unwrap it, and then paused before cracking open the jewelry box. Her mouth went slack for a moment, and he was afraid she hated it - or maybe it was sacrilegious. He hadn't thought of that before. Finally, she touched a finger to the cross and traced the loop of diamonds. "It's beautiful," she whispered.

"It made me think of you," he told her. He'd been in the jewelry store, wanting to buy her something but not knowing what exactly. And then he saw this necklace and he knew.

She smiled and took it out of its box. "Help me put it on. I'll wear it tonight."

He fastened the chain around her neck. The cross hung in the perfect position, midway between her collar bone and her cleavage. She reached up and caressed the cross, then kissed him. "Thank you, Bill.

I love it. And here's your gift." She handed him a rectangular package that had been on the floor next to the couch.

By the size and feel, he was pretty sure it was a picture of some nature, maybe one of Neal's. He didn't waste any time unwrapping it, and sure enough, that's what it was. The pen-and- ink drawing of Nik he'd admired when Neal gave him the grand tour last month.

Nik squealed, "That's not the right picture! I wanted the sketch for his cloud painting!" She started off the couch toward the phone, but Bill snagged her arm. "Don't be upset," he said, then pulled her onto his lap. "I'd much rather have this drawing than the other one, and I'm sure Neal knows it."

She stared at him disbelievingly. "You can't. That other sketch is wonderful, and this - this is just -"

"It's an extremely well-done picture of his sister, who he dearly loves." He paused, all the moisture gone from his mouth.

The words were right there, on the tip of his tongue. But he couldn't say them. She didn't want him to feel that way and would never return his feelings.

He didn't deserve her to, either. Where he came from and what his family was like was bad enough. But it wasn't just that anymore. He'd proven that everyone had always been right - blood tells.

He and George were tons smarter than their old man, but still they'd learned plenty from him. They'd learned to use and abuse people, and to bully their way to what they wanted, no matter who they hurt.

George had systematically destroyed the little self-confidence Francine had ever developed, and he would have done the same to Rachel if he'd lived.

Bill had always held his older brother in contempt for his behavior. He'd been sure that he wouldn't hurt another human being ever, for any reason. He'd been wrong.

And because of that, he couldn't say the simple words that were clogging his throat.

He couldn't tell Nik that he loved her.

Nik waited longer than she should have. Bill had almost said something more, and she'd waited, half-hoping and half- dreading that he would. Because if he'd said it, she was sure it would be telling her that he loved her.

He did. She was sure of it - well, at least she was when she wasn't sure he was sick of her and about to dump her. He wouldn't have bought her an expensive gift if he was bored, would he? And he certainly wouldn't have been so thrilled with that sketch of her.

Except love wasn't a word in Bill's vocabulary, and it shouldn't be one in hers, either. She seized on Neal's trickery for something to talk about. "That Neal! I should have known he was pulling a switch when he offered to wrap your present - when he was in high school, he'd bake all the Christmas cookies in exchange for me wrapping his gifts to people."

Bill smiled vaguely, and she could tell he wasn't listening to her. He wasn't really looking at the picture, either, although a casual observer might think he was. What was going on inside his brain?

Something about his inward focus made her uncomfortable, so she glanced away and caught a glimpse of the clock on the mantel. Relief! "It's time to go."

Her words penetrated, and he nodded. They walked out to his car hand-in-hand.

Choral music soared into the rafters of the modern church and filled the hollow in Bill's stomach. The hollow where Nik ought to belong.

The hollow didn't hurt so much now. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was something else. In any case,he could sit here and listen to the music and the occasional reading from the gospel, and he could feel at peace.

This church service certainly wasn't the ordeal he'd prepared himself for. It seemed to have nothing in common with the fire-and-brimstone preaching at the church Pop had marched him and George into every Sunday of their youth. This was nicely-dressed middle-cla.s.s people gathered together because they wanted to be here, not laborers dressed in ill-fitting and worn Sunday-best clothes, at church only because they were afraid of h.e.l.l.

And even though each family or single person sat slightly apart from each other, they still were somehow part of the larger group, and tonight the group exuded a warmth deeper than that of combined body heat.

He could see why Nik might want to come here every week. Maybe he could come here, too.

Nik hadn't been home more than a few hours before Julie cornered her in the kitchen. Actually, why she still thought of it as home was a mystery. This was Nathan and Julie's house now, and any resemblance to the home of her childhood was rapidly disappearing.

"I haven't gotten a good look at that necklace you keep playing with," Julie stated as she reached for it, knowing full well that Nik didn't like being touched indiscriminately. "Oh, that's sweet."

Sweet? What a stupid word to use. "I think it's beautiful."

Julie nodded in the way that always seemed insincere and said, "All those diamonds must have been expensive."

By Julie's rules, that meant that Nik was now supposed to spill her guts - either tell what a bargain it had been, or that she'd fallen in love with it and couldn't resist it despite the price, or explain who had given it to her and why. Nik wouldn't be overtly rude, but she also wasn't going to discuss her love life with her gossipy sister-in-law. "I suppose so. By the way, I noticed that Nathan seemed a little distracted during dinner. I hope nothing's wrong at the University."

Julie waggled her finger in Nik's face. "Don't go trying to change the subject. I'll bet that new boyfriend of yours gave it to you."

"What new boyfriend?" How had she found out?

"Nik," she scolded gently. "Did you really think that Neal could keep his mouth shut about something as important as that?" She inclined her head and continued, "Now, I admit he's not exactly forthcoming about the subject, but he slipped up when he told Nathan about Thanksgiving dinner."

Oh, no. "What did he say?" Please, nothing about her knowing Bill back at school.

"Never mind," Julie smiled maliciously. "But I want to know all about him - and whether other diamonds are in your future."

"I told you that I can't get married and have kids," she said, a little desperately.

Julie rolled her eyes. "Because of that condition of yours. I know. But you also said you didn't have the time or energy to date, and apparently you're managing that. It's like I said all along - if you really want to do something, you'll find you're able to." She patted Nik's arm in a way she might actually think was comforting. "It's all right, Nik dear, I know it was hard for you to get over losing Allen. We understood that was why you had to make up that whole thing about having some disease, rather than to admit you did something to make him not love you anymore. But you're ready to move past that now, and I know Nathan and your father are as glad of that as I am. I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and you can tell me all about this new man of yours." She bustled to the stove and turned on the burner.

Nik took the opportunity to escape to the doorway. "There's nothing much to tell. He's very nice and we're having a good time together, but he's no more interested in getting married than I am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised the girls I'd read them their bedtime story."

Julie shook her head sadly. "Nik, Nik, Nik, what will we do with you? I thought you'd learned not to waste your time on men like that." Her mothering att.i.tude waged war and lost against her urge to needle.

"The mess with that boy at school - and was it ice cream? Such a shame."

Nik ducked around the corner into the hallway, unable and unwilling to respond. How did Julie know about that? And just how much did she know?

Nik lasted until after Christmas dinner, but she finally approached Julie. "Um, Julie, could I ask you something?"

She was elbow-deep in soapy water with half a dozen pots and pans still waiting to be washed. "Sure - but grab a towel and wipe some of those dishes while you ask. Sometimes I think this family considers me an indentured servant."

The barb was meant more for the absent Nathan than for her, but still Nik was stung. "I'm sorry. I should have been helping more."

Julie sighed, martyr-like. "Don't worry about it. What did you want to ask? Do you want some help with that man who's giving you trouble?"

Bill wasn't giving her trouble for the reason that Julie thought, but Nik simply said, "No, not that. It's just that I was wondering about what you said the other day - about what happened when I was at the University."

"Yes? Well, I for one was proud of you for doing it. Men like that deserve to be taught a lesson."

She hated having to ask, but she might as well get on with it. "What I was wondering is how you knew about it. I didn't tell anyone."

Julie chuckled. "That didn't mean it was a secret, you know. Do you remember Sandy? She and I roomed together while Nathan was getting his doctorate." Nik nodded. "Well, at the time, she was going out with a grad student who was a counselor in the dorm where that boy lived. He didn't get involved directly, of course, but nevertheless he heard all about it. And I suppose he recognized your name because he knew I was dating Nathan."

"Did you tell Nathan?" She didn't think she would have avoided a lecture from her stuffy brother, if he'd known, but it also seemed unlikely that Julie would have kept something like that secret from him.

Julie's hand snaked out from the suds and squeezed Nik's arm. "Of course not, Nik. A girl needs a few secrets." She sighed. "But if I'd had any idea you hadn't learned your lesson -" Neal burst into the room. "There you are, Nik. Look, Marian just called - I have to get up to Vancouver Island right away! There's a gallery that wants to show some of my paintings!"

"That's great! When do we leave?"

CHAPTER NINETEEN.

"Remember, Ma. No smoking inside, and if you smoke out on the patio, use the ashtray."

"Sure, Billy." She stood in the middle of the living room, gazing around like she was in a museum. "This is really your place? My Billy lives in a palace?"

"Come on, Ma. You've been here before." Except he guessed she hadn't been. He always made her stay in a motel - a decent- enough place, but not the suites place close by where they might run into someone he knew. He'd picked her up there and taken her to dinner at one of those cafeteria-style all-you-eat buffets that she thought were so great, and later to Francine's to see Rachel. He hadn't been about to let her loose where he lived - still wasn't, for that matter. He'd keep a close eye on her today, too.

She was touching his stereo cabinet now, getting fingerprints all over the shiny black laminate. Oh well, Rachel would be here later, and she'd make a mess, too. Ma said, "This is like somebody on my soap has - you know, the guy who -"

He cut her off. "No, I don't, Ma. I keep telling you, I don't watch soaps."

She turned to face him, obviously sorry for all he was missing. "You could tape them and watch them after work. I skip over all the commercials, and it goes real quick."

"I know, Ma. Remember, I'm the one who showed you how." He dropped the subject as pointless.

"Now, when I go for Rachel, I'll get a pizza to bake, and I've got pop and milk for her to drink. Her presents are under the tree over there -" He gestured at the metal tree sculpture he'd bought specially for the purpose.

"That's not a Christmas tree! You shoulda got a real tree, and lights, and bunches of big shiny b.a.l.l.s."

"Did you see that on your soap, too?" Because it sure as heck didn't have any relation to any Christmas he remembered from when he was a kid.

Her already-pasty face got more pale, and tears jumped into her eyes. "Oh, Billy. I wanted us to have Christmas, really I did. There just was never any money, and your old man didn't like wasting what little there was -"

"Not on us, anyway. He liked getting drunk just fine."

She sprang to Pop's defense - big surprise. "He had a hard life. You don't know what it's like, doing heavy labor your whole life like he did. He didn't have the advantages you and George had - he had to support his sisters and his mother from the time he was eleven."

He knew better than to argue with her, but he couldn't help himself today. "Did he have scars and broken bones from being beaten every d.a.m.n week of his life?"

She drew herself up to her full height and fired back at him, "He never broke your bones!"

"He broke yours, Ma - and don't lie to me. I was there!" He saw her shrink into her sh.e.l.l, like she used to do when Pop started one of his tirades. "Geez, Ma, I'm sorry." He reached his hand out to touch her, and she shrank into herself even more. Like she thought he was going to hit her. "I won't hurt you, Ma."

It took her a few seconds, but she finally managed, "No, of course not, Billy. I knew that." And she smiled in that pathetic way she'd smiled at Pop, when she was trying to pretend that everything was okay.

Except that everything hadn't been okay then, and it wasn't okay now, either.

Nik slept for a few hours after Neal dropped her off. She'd tried to sleep in the car, but that didn't work too well under the best of circ.u.mstances. With Neal so excited he was practically bouncing, it was hopeless.

She was excited for him, too. The gallery owner liked the two pictures Marian had taken with her, but wanted to see more in order to choose the ones his patrons would be most likely to buy. So, after he dropped her off, Neal was headed to Marian's house to load the rest of them into his SUV, and then he'd drive to Canada. Marian was expecting him tonight, and they had an appointment at the gallery tomorrow morning.

They'd left Nathan's Christmas evening, a full day-and-a- half early. Even without the exciting news, they'd been ready to get out of there. They both found it difficult to deal with the chaos that Nathan and Julie's two little girls caused, and it seemed like every time they visited, Nathan and Julie were less and less of a couple. The tension level made the visit not much fun anymore.

Nik was anxious to see Bill again, too. She still didn't know how to interpret his behavior before she left, and she hoped the separation had made things clearer, one way or the other.

When she woke early in the afternoon, she almost picked up the phone and called him. But she decided that she really needed to see him face-to-face, so she showered and ate lunch before driving to his apartment. If he wasn't there, she'd look for his car at the office, and if she struck out there, too, she'd go grocery shopping.

She didn't strike out, at least not exactly. The door was answered promptly, by a very weathered middle-aged woman. "Billy's not here," she announced flatly.

Who was this woman? Definitely not Nik's replacement. Maybe the cleaning lady? "Do you know when he'll be back?"

She shrugged. "Soon. He just went to take Rachel home." She stepped away from the door. "You wanna wait? I likta meet my boy's friends."

Oh. This was Bill's mother. Hardly the type of person she'd imagined all this time, what with the tobacco haze hovering around her and her discount-store wardrobe. She smiled and stepped inside. "Thanks, I will. My name's Nik Harding, and I'm very pleased to meet you, Mrs. Adams." She offered her hand, and after a moment, Bill's mother shook it.