For the first time in four years, I shared a bed with my ex-husband. Nothing in the world could have felt weirder or more like the right thing to do. Just because you can't be married to someone doesn't mean you stop loving them. There was nothing sexual about that night. I lay next to Sean while he reminisced about special times with Ed: how Ed let him sit on his lap when he was little and steer the car or how Ed attended every Little League game even when he was working. Sean remembered how great it felt to see the black and white cruiser parked off to the side with Ed cheering him and his brother, Buddy, on.

"He was a good dad," Sean whispered. "He was tough on the force but gentle with me and Buddy. When Buddy was killed in that car accident so young, just two weeks before his sixteenth birthday, the light seemed to go out of Dad. He kept to himself mostly but still managed to be there when I needed him."

In the veil of the deep dark night, Sean finally let go. He cried in my arms, out of pain and guilt. My heart ached for him.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.

Deaths come in threes, isn't that what they say? Were Pam's and Ed's death a premonition to what was going to happen to Rosetti? Was she next? Work kept my mind off worrying about her, but when I got home at night, Rosetti was all I could think about.

Not only was I worried about Rosetti's well-being, I couldn't shake the guilt I felt about not telling Regan about my feelings for Rosetti that day at the lake. It wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to Rosetti. I felt disloyal to both of them. I was torn between the two of them and had no idea what to do. I had even made one of those stupid lists where you take each one's qualities and liabilities and see how they measure up. When I did the lists, they came out even.

Regan brought Tess home the day after our walk at the lake. She called to let me know that they had gotten settled and that the apnea monitor was working fine. Regan set up Tess's cradle in the living room so she could keep an eye on her. Tess was fussy and had not been sleeping more than an hour at a time during the night. Regan lay on the couch next to the cradle, trying to sleep when Tess did. She said she was exhausted. This wasn't an easy thing to do, especially alone.

On the day of Tess's first visit at her new pediatrician's office since coming home from the hospital, Regan asked if I'd mind driving her to the doctor. Jim was nowhere to be found, and her mom couldn't take them because she couldn't leave Regan's father home alone. Regan argued that she would normally take Tess herself, but there was so much to carry and it was her first time with this new doctor, she'd like the company.

Hesitantly, I agreed. I wanted to help Regan out, but somehow this didn't feel right. After all, Regan was still married to Jim. He could show up at any time. Judging by our last encounter, it wasn't a good idea for me to be around when he surfaced. Also, Regan's mother still had her reservations about me, even though Regan made it clear to her how she felt about me being around. There were so many signs that I had no business being in Regan's life. It only seemed to cause more frustration than good, so how come I couldn't let it go? Was I trying to prove a point, that Regan should never have left in the first place? Was it the amazing sex? My head hurt just thinking about it.

I pulled into Regan's driveway and tooted the horn. Regan appeared at the back door holding up her index finger giving me the one-minute sign. Her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail again. And even though her jeans and shirt were impeccably pressed, it was still obvious that the effects of motherhood were taking their toll on her. Her skin was dull, she wore little make-up, and she looked like she hadn't slept in days.

I got out of the car to help Regan load the backseat with what looked like a shopping cart from Toys "R" Us. Regan pushed her way through the screen door lugging a Dora the Explorer diaper bag, an umbrella stroller, and a child's car carrier with Tess embedded somewhere inside. Tess was covered by multiple layers of clothing and blankets. Tiny pink mittens were clipped to the sleeves of her tweed car coat. I thought the coat and the mittens were a little much; it was early October, and the temperature had barely gotten below forty degrees. I should have known that Regan would be an overprotective mother.

"Geez, Regan, how's this kid gonna breathe?" I helped her get Tess situated in the backseat. I loosened the blankets to expose the little one's face. Tess had soft creamy skin with eyelashes so long that they brushed her cheeks. She was sound asleep. Her breathing was easy and her color looked good. I helped Regan anchor the plastic base of the carrier, then clicked the car seat into place. Finally, the carrier was secure, with Tess facing the backseat. Regan sat in the backseat, as well to keep an eye on Tess.

The parking lot of Dr. Zachary Martin's office was packed. Dr. Martin was an attending pediatrician who admitted patients to CityHospital, so I'd had many opportunities to take care of his patients. Regan made a good choice when she picked Zach Martin. He was one of the best baby docs in the area.

I helped Regan remove Tess's carrier from its base. Regan picked the carrier up and slung it over her arm like she was carrying a large purse.

"I'll wait here," I said as I handed her the diaper bag.

"Aren't you coming in with us?" Regan touched my arm. "I was hoping you would."

"Oh," I said, surprised by Regan's request. Regan had always been so secretive about our being together, especially in public, so this request caught me off-guard.

Regan handed me Tess's carrier and I followed her into the doctor's office. Tess peeked at me over a corner of the many baby blankets Regan had her wrapped in. She wriggled her head up and flashed a watery toothless grin. My heart fluttered and I couldn't help but smile.

Even though Tess only weighed six pounds, the carrier was heavy. This and the diaper bag and the stroller and the toys, I wondered how anyone could do this alone.

Dr. Martin's office was practically standing room only. Toys, coloring books, crayons, and Highlights magazines were scattered everywhere. Mothers sat with kids with runny noses, coughs, and fevers. One boy sat on the cracked green leather couch that I'm sure had seen better days with a bucket between his knees. I made sure we sat far away from that kid.

Regan signed Tess in immediately, but it took an hour and a half until they were called back to the exam area. Although I still felt uncomfortable, I didn't hesitate this time. I picked up Tess and followed Regan down the hall to the exam area. Once in the exam room, the nurse, a young woman dressed in Blue's Clues scrubs, took Tess from Regan. She set Tess on the exam table. Then she removed Tess's coat and blankets and sleeper, unwrapping her like she was a Christmas present down to her diaper and onesey, and weighed her on the tabletop scale.

"Six pounds ten ounces," the nurse said as she rewrapped Tess in the blankets and handed her back to Regan. Regan immediately wrapped Tess up again in her layer of blankets and cradled her in her arms.

"Hey, she's up almost another pound," Regan said excitedly.

"See, you must be doing something right," I said.

A few minutes later, Dr. Martin came into the room.

"Hello," he said, reading Tess's chart, I'm Dr. Mart...Dr. Caselli?" Dr. Martin looked up. He flipped over the chart to check the patient name. He extended his hand toward me and I took it. "This is a pleasant surprise. Is Tess your...?"

"No, I'm a friend of her mom's," I said. "This is her mother, Regan Martin...I mean Douglass," I said, stumbling over my words.

"It's nice to meet you," Dr. Martin said and extended his hand to Regan.

Regan smiled and took his hand. Was it my imagination or did Regan hold onto Dr. Martin's hand a little longer than what might be considered professional? What a ridiculous thought.

"So how's Tess doing?" Dr. Martin let go of Regan's hand.

"For the most part, okay. I can only get her to take two or three ounces of formula at a time," Regan said.

"Is she able to keep it down? No regurgitation?" Dr. Martin asked.

"No regurgitation. And she's usually fussing to eat again in two hours."

"Sounds like she's right on track," Dr. Martin said. "I know it can be scary bringing a newborn home, especially one who's already had to go through open heart surgery. I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Douglass."

Regan smiled and I could see a flicker of relief in her tired eyes. There was something else there, too, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"So how are things at City?" Dr. Martin asked me as he took Tess from Regan and laid her on the paper-covered exam table. He peeled off the layer of blankets and lifted the tiny white T-shirt Tess wore and placed his stethoscope on her chest. The dressings were off of Tess's surgical wound and the suture lines were a healthy bright pink. It always amazed me how anyone could operate on someone so tiny.

"Busy as ever," I said as I observed Dr. Martin examine Tess.

"Day off today?" Dr. Martin asked as he put the earpieces of his stethoscope in his ears.

"No, I'm working second shift this afternoon."

Dr. Martin nodded as he listened to Tess's heart.

"Her heartbeat is nice and strong. Color and skin turgor are good. Suture line is healing well. She looks well hydrated, too," Dr. Martin said as he turned his attention to the diamond-shaped soft spot on top of Tess's head. He continued with his examination, tugging on Tess's arms and legs. She was wide awake now.

"Mrs. Douglass, Tess is doing very well. I think she's strong enough to get her first series of vaccines today. Since we're in the middle of RSV season, I suggest we give her that vaccine, as well. That will give her a little extra protection against any respiratory infection that these little ones are so susceptible to.

"I bet you see a lot of kids in the ER with RSV, don't you, Dr. Caselli?"

"Yes, we do. Many of those cases could be avoided if the parents just wouldn't expose their kids to cigarette smoke."

"Well, Mrs. Douglass, everything checks out fine. I'd like to see Tess in two weeks for a follow-up. I'll have Sally, my nurse, come in with the vaccines if that's all right with you."

Regan looked over at me. I nodded my approval.

"Okay," Regan said.

Dr. Martin left the room, and a few minutes later, Nurse Sally came in with a plastic tray and two hypodermic needles.

"Two shots?" Regan asked.

I knew all too well what was coming and that this wasn't going to be pleasant.

The nurse smiled a sympathetic smile. "Mrs. Douglass, if you'll just lay Tess on her back, I can hold her leg and give her the injections. I'll give one in each leg."

Regan leaned against the exam table and laid her hand across Tess's chest and stroked Tess's nearly bald head to comfort her. The nurse secured Tess's leg and jammed the first needle into her skinny thigh. It took a moment for the pain to register, but soon Tess scrunched up her face, then the wailing began. Tears leaked from the corners of Tess's blue-gray eyes. I had to blink back my own tears. It doesn't matter how much clinical experience you have, sometimes you can't help but have a tender heart when it comes to your patient's pain.

After giving the injections, the nurse placed two Looney Tune's Band-Aids over the injection sites. Tess's legs were so small that the Band-Aids practically wrapped all the way around. Once the nurse was done, Regan picked up Tess to comfort her. Nothing was helping. Tess wailed all the way out to the reception desk, out into the parking lot, and halfway home, finally falling asleep three blocks from Regan's house. When I went to pull into the driveway, Regan stopped me.

"You can't stop now. If we stop now, she'll wake up and God knows when I'll get her to sleep again. Can't we go for a little ride?" Regan asked, desperation flickering in her eyes.

"Sure." I kept driving. After we passed Wal-Mart for the third time, I asked Regan how long she wanted to do this. When she didn't respond, I looked over and found her sound asleep curled up against the passenger's side door. With a sigh, I headed out of town and out toward Amish country, where it was peaceful and beautiful this time of year. I looked over at Regan and remembered a time when just the sight of her had made my heart rev into overdrive. It was an exciting time back then, a time of novelty, exploration, and of pure joy. It was like we had our own secret world that consisted of only Regan and me. And it wasn't until other people entered that it so easily fell apart. That wonderful time seemed miles away now. When I looked over at Regan now, things seemed so different. I did love her, and I was still attracted to her, but both of those feelings seemed muted now. Although my body yearned for her, my heart didn't.

My heart yearned for someone else.

Now that I admitted this to myself, I was shocked. I had longed to be reunited with Regan for so long that it never seemed possible that it would be my feelings that could change. I knew it was natural for love to change over time. That breathtaking intensity of attraction is supposed to grow into a solid, more stable emotion. But with regards to Regan, without that sexual heat, I felt empty. Like I had so many times before.

Even though my feelings for Regan had changed, I knew I couldn't abandon her, especially when it was so evident that she needed someone to help her through all this. Maybe this is why when lesbian couples break up, they don't necessarily end their relationships. Maybe because we are women, there will always be that common bond of wanting to be there for each other no matter what.

After two hours on the road, Tess began to stir. I'm sure her belly was telling her it was time to eat. Regan awoke, almost automatically upon Tess's first whimper of a cry.

"Oh...I must have fallen asleep." Regan rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. "Where are we?"

"Almost to your place. I think Tess is getting hungry."

Regan straightened herself in the passenger's seat. She rubbed her neck as I'm sure it was sore from the awkward position she'd been sleeping in.

Tess let loose with a good hearty wail. Regan reached back and found Tess's pacifier and plopped it into her mouth. Tess sucked noisily on it for a while, but then wailed again, probably realizing that it was only a substitute for the real thing.

"Hang in there, Tess," I said, glancing into the rearview mirror. "We're almost home."

Regan smiled and reached back to comfort her. Anyone looking at the scene would have thought we were just one happy family out for an afternoon drive. I guess looks can be deceiving.

I helped Regan unload Tess's things and carried the baby into the house. My breath caught in my throat when we were met by Regan's mother who was sitting at the kitchen table nursing a cup of tea. I set the carrier on the kitchen table. Regan immediately began to unwrap Tess.

"What are you doing here?" Regan asked her mother. "Who's watching Dad?"

"Nobody. He's taking a nap at home." Regan's mother took a sip of tea. "I was getting worried. I called several times and there was no answer. So I came over and let myself in, thinking something was wrong." Regan's mother directed her comments solely at Regan as if I were invisible.

"Nothing is wrong," Regan said. "We just went for a little ride after Tess's doctor's visit. She fell asleep in the car, and I didn't want to wake her."

"I see," Regan's mother said. "So what did the doctor say?"

"He said Tess is doing well. She's gained almost another pound." Regan unbuckled the safety belt and lifted Tess from the car carrier.

"Does she have to stay on that monitor?"

"Yes, until her doctor tells us otherwise," Regan said.

There was a distinct chill in the air, and it wasn't coming from the fall weather outside. "I better get going," I said, wishing I could slip away unnoticed. "I've got to be at work in an hour."

"I'll walk you out," Regan said as she handed Tess over to her mother and followed me onto the back porch.

"Thanks again for all your help," Regan said. "I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome. I'm glad Tess is doing better."

I turned to leave and Regan touched my arm. "When do you think we can be together again?" Regan asked. "I really miss you."

I felt a terrible tenseness take over my body. "My work schedule is pretty tight for the next few days."

"Oh," Regan said. Her face clouded over in disappointment.

"Regan..." I began. She looked up. Her eyes met mine. I looked away.

"Mina, what's wrong? I know being around my mother makes you uncomfortable...I didn't know she was going to be here."

"It's not that. Your mother has every right to be here. I'm sorry...it's just that..." I wasn't sure what to say. Should I tell her my heart was beginning to believe what my mind had been telling it all along? That we really weren't meant to be together?

"Mina?" Regan said, breaking my reverie.

"Huh?"

"Where were you just now?"

"Oh...I don't know...caught up in...never mind." I said. "What were we talking about?"

As Regan and I stood on her back porch, we could hear Tess start to fuss. Mrs. Martin cooed at her granddaughter, trying to calm her, but whatever she was doing wasn't working.

"Mina, are you all right?" Regan asked.

"Just tired, I guess."

"Regan, I think Tess is hungry. Can you come in here and feed her?" Mrs. Martin yelled through the screen of the back door.

"I'll be in to feed her in a minute," Regan yelled back.

Regan took my hands into hers. "I know this isn't easy, but please give it a chance. Give us a chance," Regan said. "You know I care about you. I know things seem crazy right now, but it won't be like this forever." Regan eyes were moist with worry. "If you weren't in my life right now, I don't know what I'd do. I need you." Regan was unable to hide the desperation in her voice.

That's when I realized Regan had not come back because she wanted me. Regan had come back because she needed me. That was a huge difference, a difference I was starting to understand.

I nodded at her comment, acknowledging I had understood what she was saying.

"I do have to go. I'll be late for work and I don't want to get on the wrong side of Dr. Morrison again."

"Will you call me later?" Regan asked, brushing a loose strand of hair from her eyes.