Regan's face blushed. Suddenly, tears streamed down her face.

"What's wrong?" I feared that I might have embarrassed her.

Regan shook her head. "It's just that I wish things weren't so complicated."

"How do you mean?"

"My marriage, Tess, my dysfunctional family..."

"Everyone has a dysfunctional family," I said. "You should have seen the stunt my mother pulled a few weeks ago."

"Your mother?" Regan asked, surprised. "Your mom seems so normal. What kind of trouble could she get into?"

"She called me at two in the morning to come pick her up at the Marriott," I said. "She ended up there with a guy she barely knew."

"Oh, my," Regan said with a smile.

"The one thing I've learned in all this is that nobody's situation is perfect. No matter how hard we try to control the outcome of things, they seem to have a way of working themselves out."

"I hope so," Regan said. "I don't think I'm strong enough to make all these decisions. So much rides on them. I'm responsible for another human being now. When I look back on it all, I can't believe this is what my life has become. This isn't what I planned on."

"Nobody's life turns out the way they planned it." I thought about what had happened the other night with Regan and my feelings for Rosetti. "Look. There's something I need to tell you."

Regan looked up at me. Her eyes widened with concern.

"What is it?"

"The night we were together...that was a wonderful thing."

Regan nodded. Uncertainty of where I was going with this clouded her face.

"But..."

"But what?"

I could hear the anxiety in Regan's voice. A fierce wave of apprehension flowed through me, and I couldn't continue. I couldn't tell her about Rosetti. At least not now. She had enough going on in her life and I didn't want to add to her stress.

"But nothing," I said, taking the coward's way out. I wasn't sure how Regan would react if I told her about Rosetti. That's not quite true. I knew exactly how she'd react. She would be upset and would probably leave. And for some reason, I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to give her up yet. Something inside me needed to hold on to that old dream of mine that had Regan and me living happily ever after. I'd had the dream for so long that I had to test the possibility of making it real for just a little while longer. Even though I realized right there and then that I had started dreaming a different dream.

Regan stared at me. She studied my face.

"Come on, let's go for a walk," I said in an attempt to break the heavy tension between us. I held out my hand to help Regan off the picnic table. I took her hand and walked along the beach and headed toward the boat docks and the parking lot. As we got closer to the docks, we could see the couple I had seen previously walking on the beach. Excitement rippled through me when I realized that the couple I had originally thought was a man and a woman was actually two women. The world was changing. Same-sex relationships seemed to be becoming more and more visible.

I pointed this fact out to Regan as we watched the young couple embrace, then hold hands as they walked down the beach. As they came closer, one of the women, her short blond hair blown in disarray by the wind, looked familiar. Excitement turned to anxiety when I realized that the blonde was Sandra, the girl I had sneaked out on and never returned her phone calls.

I panicked. Could I make my escape without causing a scene? How would I explain this to Regan?

"Debbie? Debbie, is that you?" Sandra asked as they approached Regan and me.

Regan glanced over at me with one eyebrow raised. She stood by without saying a word.

I smiled weakly, remembering that I was so uncouth with this girl that I didn't have the decency to give her my real name. This was a game Rosetti and I came up with a long time ago, but now, it just seemed so mean.

By the look of things, Sandra had moved on.

"How have you been?" Sandra asked as she unlatched herself from her new love and pulled me into a huge bear hug.

"Fine," I said. "And you?"

"I'm doing great. Oh, this is Devon," Sandra said, introducing me to her new girlfriend.

"Hello," Devon said, extending her hand to me.

I shook her outstretched hand. "It's nice to meet you," I said, an odd sensation of deja vu coming over me as I felt Devon's gaze upon me.

"This is Regan," I said, completing the introductions. I could tell by her demeanor Regan was very uncomfortable with the situation. But she nodded her hello. The other two women responded in kind.

This is where things got more awkward.

"You look familiar," Devon said, turning her attention back to me. "Have we met before?"

"No, I don't think so," I said, shaking my head but knowing full well I'd met Devon before-a long time ago.

"Sandra, I'm sorry I never called you back," I said, hoping to rescue the situation. "It was really rude of me."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'm over it." Sandra giggled, pulling Devon closer to her. "You know, if you hadn't treated me so badly, I never would have met Devon. I guess I probably should thank you for that."

I felt the sting of her comment as if she'd slapped me in the face. "Well...it's good to see you and good to see that you're happy and doing well," I said, hoping this conversation would end soon.

Sandra locked arms with Devon and they said their goodbyes. As they continued down the beach, Devon looked back at me, I'm sure wondering where or when she'd met me before. Maybe she recognized my face but couldn't place the name; after all, it had only been one dance.

I remembered melting into Devon's strong arms, swaying to the music when Sean walked into the lesbian bar, looking for me. He was determined to bring me home and stop all this nonsense about being gay. I often wondered what Devon thought that night when I ran out of her arms and off the dance floor without an explanation. That was the night Sean and I decided to end our marriage. When I went back into the bar to explain what had happened, she was gone.

"What was that all about?" Regan asked as we watched Devon and Sandra saunter away arm in arm.

"Uh...it's a long story." I hoped Regan would just drop it. She didn't.

"You apologized to that girl for not calling her. Did you go out with her?"

"Uh-huh." I started walking toward the boat docks.

"Did you sleep with her?"

I paused before answering. What did it matter who I dated or who I slept with while Regan was gone? After all, she left me. She'd made it obvious that she wanted me out of her life at the time, so I had nothing to be ashamed of.

"Yes, I slept with her, but it was only once." Like that was supposed to make it any better.

"What about that other girl? She kept looking at you like she knew you. Did you sleep with her, too?"

"No," I said quickly. "I didn't sleep with that woman."

Regan looked at me skeptically. "Why did the blond girl call you Debbie? Is there something else about you I need to know?"

I looked down at my Docksiders, which were dusty with sand. The heat of embarrassment colored my face. "It was a game Rosetti and I played. It wasn't very nice, and I regret doing it." I was unable to meet Regan's gaze.

We walked in silence for a while, then I spoke. "I was really hurting," I said. "And was trying to find a way to cope...you know...because you left. I was trying to find what we had with someone else."

Regan stopped and turned toward me. "Did you find it? Did you find what you were looking for?"

I hesitated before I answered Regan's question. Her eyes probed my soul and I was afraid she could see what I couldn't say to her. I thought I'd found what I was looking for with Rosetti, but the timing was all wrong. Rosetti went away and Regan came back seemingly fulfilling what I had wished for during the last five years.

"No, I didn't."

Regan let out a small sigh. She slipped her hand into mine and we walked back toward the parking lot. I walked Regan to her car.

"I've got to stop over Sean's and check on Ed," I said.

"How is he doing?" Regan asked as she leaned against the driver's side door.

"I'm afraid he's pretty close to the end."

"It's hard to let the ones we love go, isn't it?" Regan asked.

"Yes it is." I knew she was talking about Ed, but in the back of my heart, I felt like she was talking about someone else. Who, I couldn't tell.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.

I had come out to the lake to feel better. But now I felt worse. I felt empty inside, ashamed of my past behavior and uncertain about my future.

I started the car and headed over to Sean's. As I turned on to Sean's street, fear snapped through me as I saw the red and white lights of an ambulance flashing in Sean's driveway. I pulled up to the curb, threw the car into park, and ran up the front lawn.

"What's going on?" I asked Sean, who was standing at the sink looking out the window to the backyard.

"He's gone," Sean said, still looking out the window.

"What?" I asked, my mouth dry.

"He's gone. He died about a half hour ago. I called, but you..."

"What happened?"

"He was in a lot of pain. Your mom said he was moaning a lot while we were at the funeral. She gave him some morphine, but it didn't seem to help, so I gave him more when I got home."

"How much did you give him?"

"One dropper full."

I looked up at Sean and he looked away. Something inside me told me he wasn't telling the truth.

"He was suffering, Meen...I couldn't watch him suffer like that." Sean was shaking and tears sprung from his eyes.

"I know, Sean...I know..." I pulled him into my arms, praying he didn't do what I think he'd done, what so many others have done as they watched their loved ones be ravaged by horrible terminal diseases.

Sean and I walked into the living room. Ed lay lifeless in his bed with a clean white sheet pulled up to the middle of his chest. His bony fingers were laced together and rested on his concave chest. Two paramedics were at Ed's bedside. One packed up their equipment while the other filled out paperwork on a clipboard. Recognizing both paramedics from when they brought patients into the emergency room, I nodded hello to them as I walked over to Ed. His skin was waxy white, but he looked peaceful for the first time in many weeks. I kissed his forehead, feeling the coolness of death on my lips. "I love you, Dad," I whispered as I stroked his head.

The paramedics stood by as Sean and I said our goodbyes to Ed. When we were done, they lifted Ed onto the gurney to take him to the hospital. There the physician on call would pronounce him dead.

I watched from the living room window as they loaded the gurney into the back of the ambulance and closed the doors. Just before they pulled away, the driver shut off the flashing red and white lights, always an ominous sign-the sign that there was no hurry to get to the hospital. Nothing more could be done. Ed's life was over.

Sean and I sat at the kitchen table. The house was eerily quiet. No more hissing sound from Ed's oxygen compressor, now just solid quiet. I poured Sean a cup of coffee and set it in front of him. I poured myself one, as well, and sat in the kitchen chair opposite him. Sean took a small sip of coffee and looked up at me.

"I'm sorry, Mina, I couldn't watch him suffer like that," Sean said, his voice barely a whisper as if there was someone else in the room that might hear this confession.

I hung my head, hearing what I feared was true.

"Mina, what would be the point in letting him suffer like that?" Sean pleaded. "He couldn't eat, he wasn't sleeping, and he was half out of his mind in pain." Sean tried to convince himself, as well as me, that he did the right thing.

"You told me you gave him the correct dose of morphine, and I'm gonna believe that's what you gave him. That you did the right thing."

Sean looked up from his coffee cup.

I reached across the table and covered his hand with mine. I wanted him to know that although I didn't condone what he did, I understood the helplessness and the hopelessness one can feel when watching a loved one suffer.

Ed's calling hours were the next evening. What Ed lacked in family, he made up for in friends. Morelli's Funeral Home was packed as a line of mourners ran out the front door and on to the sidewalk. Sean remained stoic during it all. He greeted each person who came expressing their condolences. I sat with Sean as retired police officers, firemen, and friends filed through. Some people Sean knew well, others he didn't know at all. They all mentioned what a great guy Ed was and that he would be sadly missed. Some of the same people who attended Pam's funeral attended Ed's, as well.

After the calling hours, Sean and I went back to his house, where more friends and neighbors waited with casseroles and pasta and every type of comfort food you could imagine.

Around eleven o'clock, the crowd began to thin. The last one to leave was Mrs. Isabella, Sean's next-door neighbor. She brought over homemade nut and apricot Kolachi for breakfast the next morning and made sure the kitchen was tidied up.

There was no question that I would stay that night. There was no way I could leave Sean alone on the night before he'd bury his father. I called Rosetti's house again, just in case her assignment was done and she was home. The machine picked up, and I left her a message letting her know where I was and to call me as soon as possible when she got in. Any normal person would think leaving a message for someone you know isn't there was stupid, but it was comforting to me. It gave me some connection to Rosetti, and that was something I desperately needed.

Sean brought out a pillow and blanket and made up a sleeping area on the couch.

"You take the bed," he said as he spread out the blanket over the couch.

"No, don't be ridiculous. This is your house. You sleep in your bed. I'll be fine out here."

"Mina, the couch isn't comfortable...I'll sleep out here."

"Fine, then I'll sleep out here with you." I pulled one of the pillows off the couch and set it on the floor.

"This is ridiculous," Sean said. We both laughed.