"Sure, it might not be until late, though. It depends on when I get a break."

"That's okay. I'll probably be up with Tess anyway."

I left Regan's house with a lead weight still sitting on my chest. There were things I needed to deal with but was too much of a coward to do so.

That's when my mind began to backpedal. What if Regan really did love me? If I stuck this out a little longer, would my feelings mature and intensify over time? The truth of the matter was that although I thought I loved Regan, it was more accurate to say I was in love with the thought of being in love with her. Not only that, but it appeared Regan was trying to convince herself of the same, that she was in love with me, when it was more accurate to say that she needed me to get through a difficult time in her life. Were we just holding onto something that never would be?

My head pounded and my stomach clenched from the turmoil as I pulled into the physician's parking lot. I had to tuck all this away for now, at least for the next twelve hours. My patients needed all of me, including a clear head, even if my heart was banged up.

CHAPTER NINETEEN.

Since our talk, Dr. Morrison had been quite cordial. He even scheduled me with Page on the adult side that night, which to me was an indication we had made amends.

It was good to see Page again. I had a lot to tell her. In between cases of congestive heart failure, chest pain, and pneumonia, I gave Page the details of the past few days. I told her about Ed's death, about Rosetti's continued absence, and Regan's return. I told her about our reunion and about the little voice inside of me that was expressing doubt that Regan and I could get back what we'd had before she left.

"I can't believe you're having doubts about being with Regan," Page said. "You pined for her for years. She comes back and tells you that she wants to be with you, and you tell her thanks but no thanks."

"I didn't tell her that."

"Well, from what you are telling me, you might as well. What's going on with you?"

"It's just not the same. We've both been through a lot since we were together. It feels like we're not the same people."

"Is it because she has a kid now?" Page asked. "I know you've said you never wanted kids of your own."

"No...not at all. Tess is a beautiful baby. I feel so fortunate to have been able to help her into the world. And believe it or not, being with them today felt like the right thing to do. It's just that things between Regan and me don't feel the same. I think I had her return so built up in my mind that when it finally happened..."

"It wasn't what you expected?" Page finished my point.

I nodded. "There's still some spark. Actually, we had an amazing evening just the other night," I said, remembering the night in my apartment. "But once that fizzles out, what do you have left?"

Page smiled and flipped the chart that she was working on closed. "Mina, you know the answer to all this. I just think you're having trouble admitting it to yourself."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that if you admit your true feelings, you're letting go of your dream. You've held on to that dream for a long time, and let's face it, if we don't have our dreams, what do we have?"

Page was right. It was hard for me to let go. But it would be worse to hold on to a dream that might never materialize.

"To have a meaningful relationship, you've got to get past the spark."

"What do you mean?"

"You realize that the first few months of a new relationship are always the most exciting, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"And why wouldn't it be? I mean, everything is new and intense. You can't keep your hands off each other and you think you have stumbled onto the most wonderful thing. That feeling can be addictive, can't it?"

I nodded, wondering where she was going with this.

"But that's when being in a relationship is easy," Page said. "All those things are wonderful, but the foundation of a good relationship is in the ups and the downs of everyday life. It's the taking care of each other and surviving. And perhaps not only surviving, but thriving. It's hammering out a life together and holding on to the desire for each other, as well."

I nodded.

"You and Regan had the lust and the passion of a new relationship, but when things got rough, she took off. You never got a chance to see if the relationship would survive the mundane details of everyday life. And I think you're not so sure that if the going gets tough, she'll stick around."

Page paused for a moment. "I don't think it's lack of love you're worried about, I think it's lack of trust. I also think that a lack of trust has stood in your way of ever having a long-term relationship with any woman, including Regan."

"What do you mean?" I asked, not quite willing to accept responsibility for my haphazard love life. "I'm capable of having a long-term relationship. I was married for almost six years. That has to count for something, right?"

Page smiled. I knew she knew I was grasping at straws. "Sure it does, but let's face it. You get involved with people who you know aren't good for you."

"Now, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." I was upset that someone was dissecting me like that.

Page laughed. "Don't get all bent out of shape about this. You wanted my opinion and I'm giving it to you. No sense in me sugarcoating it. It wouldn't do you any good then."

"So what you're saying is that I'm not capable of having a healthy relationship, that I'm defective in some way?"

"No, not defective exactly."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"What I'm saying is that you pick women who you know you're going to leave or will leave you, once the heat dies down."

"That's crazy," I said. "Why would anybody do something like that? You set yourself up for failure from the get-go. That makes no sense."

Page flipped open her last chart of the night. "Oh, my dear, but it does. You see, if you already know the relationship will never work out, you don't have to be emotionally invested, so you have nothing to lose and you don't get hurt. That's why for the past five years you've moved easily from one woman to the next and to the next. You give yourself physically to these women, but you keep your emotions inaccessible so you don't get hurt. Remember what they told us in medical school about clinical distance?" She stopped for a moment before continuing.

"They told us we must keep our emotions in check to be effective as a physician. By keeping an emotional barrier up while treating your patient, you're able to make clear unbiased clinical judgments for them. You can't help your patients if you're an emotional wreck, so you protect your heart by not getting emotionally involved. You're using the same coping mechanism to protect your heart in your personal life, as well. You keep your emotions tucked away so you can make a clear judgment about when it's time to end these relationships."

And that's what I'd been doing with Regan all along. I never recovered from when she hurt me. I sure as hell wasn't going to give her another chance. Page was right.

"So what you're saying is that I'm hopeless?"

Page shook her head. "In all our years together, I have watched you go from one woman to another. I knew none of those would ever develop into anything, except for..."

"What...except for what?" I asked, suddenly feeling a bit of a reprieve.

Page's face clouded with uneasiness. "Never mind. I'm sorry I brought it up." She pushed away from the desk. "I'm gonna get some coffee, do you want some?"

"Yes." I followed her into the doctor's lounge.

"Sorry you brought what up?" I handed Page two Styrofoam cups.

She filled both cups with steaming hot coffee.

"Page, come on. What were you going to say?"

"Nothing." She headed back toward the desk.

I set my coffee cup down and plopped down next to her. "Page..."

"Okay," Page said, reluctance steeped in her voice. "You're going to think I'm crazy, but there is one person I think things would work out with for you."

"Who?"

"Your friend Rosetti."

I looked up, surprised. "Why would you think that?"

Page smiled. "Because I've seen you two together. It seems like you two truly care for each other. I think there's some real potential there."

My face flushed. "I've been thinking that, too. Rosetti knows me and I know her, warts and all. But I'm scared that if

I pursue my feelings for her, I'll lose her, and I'm scared that if I don't pursue them, I'll lose her."

"Mina, you have to let your guard down and tell Rosetti how you feel. I have a feeling she feels like you do and is just as scared."

"But I'm also scared that if she finds out about my recent fling with Regan, she'll be hurt and that will be the end of things before they ever start."

"If you want any chance at having a relationship with Rosetti, you have to tell her the truth, no matter how difficult. Tell her how you feel, go with your heart. That's where your answers are."

"Dr. Caselli, you have a call on the outside line," Delores said as we approached the desk and she handed me the phone.

"This is Caselli," I said.

"Mina, it's Regan. Would you mind stopping over here on your way home from work tonight?"

"Is there something wrong?"

"It's Tess. I changed her diaper about an hour ago and noticed a fine red rash on her belly. I thought it might be diaper rash, so I put some Desitin on it. I just checked her again and noticed that the rash is all over her now. What do you think it is?"

"It might be a reaction to the vaccines she got today. Is she running a temp?"

I heard rustling at the other end of the phone, then a click. "Ninety-seven point six, with the ear thermometer."

"She's not having trouble breathing, is she? Can you hear any wheezing?"

Again, more rustling of blankets. "No, she sounds clear."

"Good. Then it might just be a little systemic rash from the shots." I looked at my watch. "Because Tess is so small, we can't give her anything unless the reaction gets severe. If her symptoms should worsen, call me immediately. I should be out of here in an hour. Do you think you'll be okay with her until I can get there?"

"Yes, I'll be fine."

"Okay, see you in about an hour."

"Thanks, I don't know what I'd do without you."

I hung up the phone and was surprised to see Page looking at me. "What?"

Page shook her head. "You're hopeless, Caselli."

We finished our shift around eleven o'clock. Steve was waiting for Page at the emergency room entrance in their Country Squire station wagon. Todd, their six-year-old son, was asleep in the backseat. I envied them. They were a family and their love seemed so easy, so natural. How do you get to that point with someone? How can you trust someone enough to let your guard down and love them unconditionally?

I pulled into Regan's driveway. The house was dark except for the over the stove vent light in the kitchen. I tapped lightly on the screen door as I didn't want to wake Tess if she was sleeping. Regan appeared at the door. She raised her index finger to her lips, letting me know to keep quiet because Tess was asleep.

"How's she doing?" I whispered.

"Fine," Regan whispered back.

"How's the rash? Is it any worse?"

"No, actually, it's almost gone."

"Gone? Really?" I asked, surprised.

Regan nodded. "I feel bad about having you come all the way out here for nothing."

Her gaze met mine, and I knew right then that Regan's phone call had an ulterior motive. Her hair was freshly washed. She wore a pair of snug-fitting jeans and a white tank top. It was obvious that she wasn't wearing a bra underneath it. She took me by the hand and led me into the darkened living room, where Tess was sound asleep in her bassinette.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Regan asked as I peeked in at Tess.

"No, I'm fine. Thanks." I didn't quite like how things seemed to develop, and I wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Regan returned from the kitchen with one wine cooler. She sat next to me on the couch. The scent of her perfume and the closeness of her began to erode my resolve, and I found myself starting to weaken in my position to keep this platonic. I cleared my throat.

"So when did you notice that the rash was gone?"

"Just a few minutes before you arrived. Tess spit out her pacifier and was fussing. When I went to check on her, I lifted her undershirt and saw that the rash was already beginning to fade. I knew kids could get a reaction to the vaccines, but I wasn't sure how serious it could get." She took a long pull on her wine cooler.

"Yes, sometimes it can be very serious. We usually give them a shot of Benadryl or epinephrine if it's a real serious reaction. But if her rash has already started to fade, I wouldn't give her anything right now."

"Thanks again, Mina, for all that you've done for Tess and me. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me, but I'd like to show you."