I said snuffling, "Well...how, how...is this going to work out alright in the end?"

And she said, "I don't know, it'th a mythtwy, it jutht doth."

Then Jo said, "I know this is a bit of an odd thing to say, but it might show you that every cloud has a silver lining. When you were crying, I had my head accidentally on your corker area and I think you could even, maybe, get your first bra?"

The Dobbins had all gone out skipping-rope weaving. All in dungarees.

And then the phone rang.

I answered and said, "Hello."

A very faint voice said, " Lullah...god morgen!"

It was Mum.

I felt a bit like crying. But before I could say anything, she was off "How are you? Do you know, I am absolutely loving it here. This is the most marvellous experience. I have a guide called Olaf, who is teaching me everything he knows. And he knows a lot, believe me."

I tried to stop her before she told me something that I would have in my head forever. People think I exaggerate about my mother, but I don't. I think it's why my legs are so long. I'm trying to get away from her. Upwards.

After telling me how like the Vikings the Norwegians are, and how friendly Olaf is, and how clean Norway is, and how very clean Olaf is, she said, "We are off to a sauna, you roll about in the snow naked at the end."

You see, I knew that would happen, the something I would have in my head forever. To stop her going on, I interrupted quickly and told her about Dother Hall and what I felt like. And the bleeding feet, and how everyone else could sing and tap dance. And had ordinary knees.

And she listened, even though I could hear some sort of digging and howling going on in the background. I hope it was only huskies. Then I told her I was going to keep a summer notebook of love.

"Oooh, that's a good idea, you could do a sort of comedy performance of it."

I said, "It isn't funny."

She said, "Oh, I assure you, it will be. That's what you can do, you can look at yourself and make it funny. You're my star. You've always been the star in the family, even when you were little. Anyway darling, you can tell me all about it when you get home. Must dash, Olaf has got the pickled herrings out."

In the canteen today, Lavinia was sitting with Dav and Noos. They waved when they saw me. I waved back, but then Lavinia did that 'come over here' thing. I couldn't really pretend I hadn't seen them, so I had to go over.

Lavinia got up and gave me a big hug.

Why?

Have I turned into Huggy Bear since the bicycle ballet?

She was all sympathetic.

"How are you, little Oirish? You weren't bothered about the marks, were you? It's all so silly railly, isn't it? I mean, even if you got ninety and a half per cent, you can't go up to Andrew Lloyd Webber and say, 'Andrew, I got ninety and half percent, give me a job, darling'."

She went on. "I thought what Alex said was railly spot on. You know, you did an experiment. OK, it went a teensy bit wrong, but you had the courage to do it. He was railly right. You know Alex a bit, don't you Luls?"

Why was she calling me Luls? Where did that come from?

Lavinia was still in Alex world.

"I feel like I have known him for ages, and we have got so much in common, it's not true. Is he around much?"

Oh, I see.

After lunch we trooped into Monty's class. It will be quite restful listening to him talk about himself, after what I've been through. In fact I feel quite fond of him. Now that I won't be seeing him again.

He bustled in and said, "Exciting news, girls, our next project. Our next adventure. Takes us back in time. We're going to do a 'Mummers play'."

At first I thought he said a mummy's play. And that everyone had been talking about me in the staff room.

Jo said, "Sir, what is a mummy's play?"

He said, "Mummers, dear, Mummers. I'm glad you asked that, Jo, it's very, very interesting."

Sadly, we now know that every time Monty says something is "very interesting" it is bound to be a story about him as a young man.

We were right.

Monty said, "I remember well the first Mummers play I was asked to do. It was a warm summer's evening in Chelsea. I had a lovely flat where I was wont to entertain friends after drama college. A way of us letting off steam. One of my friends, Simeon, was admiring my vegetables."

I looked at Vaisey and Jo. Where was this going to end?

Monty was still in Chelsea. "Why have roses when you can have fine, firm cauliflowers in your vases?"

Anyway, it turns out that a Mummers play is medieval.

Monty went on. "The 'Mummers' would dress up in motley (bits of old rag) with their faces painted blue and take sticks with sheep's bladders on the end of them to hit people with, and they would travel to local hostelries on a Saturday eve."

I whispered to Vaisey, "It sounds like The Blind Pig."

And she giggled and shook her hair about.

All afternoon we practised the Mummers play. It's mostly fooling around and a bit of olde dialogue. Honey got to swan around singing as the maiden, Jo was St George and belted people with her sword, and Flossie was the dragon. Vaisey was the wandering minstrel and Monty was the narrator. I didn't have anything to say because I was to be the horse.

Actually, to tell the truth it was spiffing.

We even improvised bits and I pretended to be Black Beauty, which made Vaisey laugh a lot. I seem to have lost a bit of my self-consciousness. I said that to the girls and Flossie said, "That's because you have no pride left."

She's not wrong.

At the end of the day, Monty said, "Now then, girls, I have a marvellous surprise, I thought we would pay a visit to The Blind Pig on Friday. And show them our little entertainment."

Oh no.

Crumbs.

Crikey.

And also, bejesus.

In Bob's Dude-mobile on the way to The Blind Pig, I said to Vaisey, "You should be the little horse. Tell Monty, tell him, that you always are the horse. Remind him of your Black Beauty."

She said, "I can't now, it's too late. I'm the wandering minstrel and you don't want to sing, do you?"

I am someone who has got forty-five per cent for their talents and I am having to go into the lions' den, The Blind Pig. To give my forty-five per cent in front of a man who pretends I am a big lad. In tights. When Mr Barraclough sees me as a horse, he will be so thrilled.

Well, I am not going to do it.

It's not just for me.

Matilda would never be able to hold her paws up in public again.

But as if in a horrific slow-motion nightmare, I found myself in the barn at the back of The Blind Pig. In a horse costume.

I tried to canter off down the road, but Dr Lightowler spotted me and gave me one of her looks. So I pretended to eat some grass by the side of the road, as if I was getting into character, like Monty told us. I was pretending to be the horse. I tried to explain that to her, but she just shook her cloak and tutted.

All the Dother Hall staff had come along to support us. Blaise Fox was smoking a cheroot. She clicked her tongue at me and said, "Giddy up."

When we appeared in the main bar, Mr Barraclough was beside himself with delight.

He was all dressed up and he had put a special bowler hat on the stag.

Oh, it was bad. Worserer than anyone could have imagined. It had seemed good fun in the studio at Dother Hall. All 'have at thee' and 'jokes' that made no sense "Hey diddly noddly noo, I will throw thee down the loo."

All I can say is that people in olden times must have had nothing to do. But no one else seemed to mind like I did. Honey was the maiden and swanned around singing with a lute. She was flirting with the village boys, who were like mothth to a flame.

I said quietly to Vaisey, when I had done my horse dance, "If Alex or Charlie or Phil or even Ben turn up, please shoot me quickly or stab me to death with the stag's horns."

It was mostly the village lads watching and laughing. But I don't mean laughing in an entertained way, I mean in a 'laughing at me' way. The Dobbins were at the back of the crowd and the twins just looked and looked at me. Dibdobs clapped each time I did anything, even lean against the bench. And Harold joined in at one point and had an 'amusing' fight with Flossie when he snatched her sheep's bladder and started hitting people with it.

Also, I was hot. My costume had legs hanging from it. And, besides a long tail, I had big ears and a mane.

The whole thing was awful, and I didn't understand why the rest of the girls thought it was so funny. Jo was bashing the big lads over the head with her inflated sheep's bladder like there was no tomorrow. She was shouting, "Have at thee, you varlant." And all sorts.

At last, it was the end and Monty came on as the narrator. There was a spontaneous round of applause. Just for his codpiece.

Monty was bowing and passing round his hat for change when one of the bigger lads grabbed Monty's codpiece. Oh, I wish I was kidding. And put it on his head like a bonnet.

Monty was delighted.

"Away you go, my boys!!! Play on, play on."

Then at a signal from Bob, who had been dressed as a jester with a drum, Monty strode into the centre, his tights quite literally bulging with the strain of clinging on to his stomach. He said: "And now, good friends, forfend, And alack aday our tale is at an end, We hope we have in some small way, Added to this merry day.

I thank you and alas must be away."

And he bowed and the whole of the back of his tights split.

I had to trot at the back of him until he could escape into the men's loos.

Afterwards in the barn we were swigging ginger beer and eating crisps. Everyone was all excited and pepped up. Ms Fox came to see us and said, "Well done. Well done. Brilliant interaction with the audience. Excellent use of sheep's bladders. Very, very good. And Tallulah once again, a masterpiece in how to try and avoid being seen. I couldn't take my eyes off you. No one could."

Oh goodie.

Ruby was nagging me to come and see the owl eggs. She said, "I've got a feeling about 'em...I think they're going to be popping out soon. What do you think we should name them?"

She said this to me, like I was the owlets' dad and she was the owlets' mum.

Ruby said, "It's really exciting, isn't it?"

I said, "It will be if Connie the killer mum is there."

Oh, I was so tired.

I tried to keep my end up though, and be cheerful and nice, and join in.

About half an hour later, after a gallon of ginger beer and two tons of crisps we were just coming away from the pub when the Hinchcliff boys swaggered up.

All three of them.

Ruben, Cain and Seth.

It was like a stand-off at the O.K. Corral.

And I was Trigger.

Why, oh, why hadn't I taken the horse costume off? I tried to tuck the dangly legs out of sight, but I still had a horse's body and tights on.

The boys just looked at us.

Then Ruben said, "Cor."

Jo and Vaisey and Honey were looking at them like mesmerised sheep.

And they were the wolves.

Ruby said, "Don't take any notice of 'em, it only meks 'em worse."

But I could tell the others were a bit fascinated.

The lads were sort of circling us. Seth and Ruben were dark, like Cain.

Then Seth pinched Honey's bottom. And she said, "Owch that weally hurt."

Seth said getting really close to her, "Did it WEALLY hurt, love?"

Then Flossie pinched Seth's bottom and he leaped about a mile in the air.

He said, "Bloody hell, you're a strong dragon!"