Also my corkers are on the move.

And I've still got the chance to do something to impress everyone at Dother Hall.

With my secret hidden talent.

That was secret.

And hidden.

Secretly.

It was a beautiful day, so I thought that I wouldn't wear my crash helmet on the imaginary Harley. I was riding along with the wind rushing through my hair, but then, nearly at the gates of Dother Hall, my lovely country drive was spoiled. I had to squeal to an imaginary halt because out of a bush jumped Vaisey, Jo, Flossie and Honey.

Vaisey said, "Were you driving your imaginary Harley Davidson?"

I nodded.

Honey said, "Can you give me a wide? I'm weally exthauthted."

The ballet class was another low spot of embarrassment. When I tell you that the high spot was putting my special ballet shoes on, you'll get the picture.

Madame Frances hobbled in to her usual chair and adjusted her hot water bottle. "Aaah. The ballet is the only true art. Before I had my accident I..."

I said to the girls under my breath as she rattled on about her bad feet, "Is there anyone in this place who hasn't had an accident?"

This is the ballet.

We had to point our feet and go up and down. And then put our legs on bars, still pointing our feet, and go up and down. Then we had to hold each other's legs and go up and down. Pointing our feet. And then we did a bit more pointing and going up and down.

How can that be a good thing?

I said to Flossie, who had had to selloptape her glasses to her head with all the pointy leg business, "When did this get invented? It's not proper dancing."

Flossie looked at me, "Lullah, I don't want to be unnecessarily rude, but I have seen your Irish dancing."

At the end we had to do jete which essentially means you leap up in the air with pointy feet.

Honey was really good at ballet. Really elegant and floaty. Even Flossie was good, although I think the sellotaped glasses spoiled the total effect. Jo was good armwise but could only leap about an inch off the ground. When it was my turn, I was pleased because I went higher than everyone. I did it again and then noticed that Flossie and the others looked like they were having a fit.

Flossie said, "It's just that, it's just that..."

And then she started laughing uncontrollably.

I said, "It's just that what? I was leaping quite high."

Jo said, "I know, I know, the leaping is good it's just that when you leap you make a rabbit face."

Madame Frances was crying into her flask as we went out.

Despite a lot of protests from the girls, I am trying to get them to be in my bicycle ballet at the performance lunchtime. If I'm going to be on the course next term, I am going to have to pull out all the stops.

I said, "And the bicycle ballet might be a truly unforgettable event."

Jo said, "That is what we are all afraid of."

First I started with pleading. And saying I would get chucked off the course. And that they would never see my knees again.

Everyone looked at my knees.

I sensed they might be crumbling.

In the end they agreed that they would do the bicycle ballet.

Now all I have to do is to make up the bicycle ballet.

I'm going to go and make notes in my performance art notebook.

The others wanted to know what it's about.

Aaah.

I said, "Well, the idea is that...not everyone is a ballet dancer...but that all life is art...and beauty can be found in the everyday...stuff"

They still looked a bit puzzled. They weren't alone.

Vaisey said, "Will there be singing in it?"

I said, "Yes, of course."

She got interested then.

"Will I be singing in it?"

"Oh, yes."

"What will I be singing?"

Honey and Jo and Flossie all said, "Why can't we sing in it?"

I said, "You can you're all singing in it!"

Vaisey said, "What are we singing?"

And I said, "Well...it's the Sugar Plum Fairy...theme song."

We're going to rehearse in secret every day. But first we have to find some bikes.

But then fate took a hand in events at Dother Hall.

We were summoned to the hall. There were candles burning and all the blinds were shut. Even though it was a spanking hot day. Then Nessun Dorma began playing, you know, that classical thing they had for the World Cup when even grown men cried.

The house lights were dimmed and Sidone Beaver came out on to the stage in a veil.

A full-length veil. She had something in her hands.

She was moving in a very odd way. Like she had a trolley for her feet.

Bejesus, she did have a trolley for her feet! She was sort of being drawn along on it to the centre of the stage.

Then from underneath her veil Sidone spoke.

"I have here something...that says more than I could ever say in words about one of the finest artistes...it has been my privilege to work with."

And Sidone held up a pair of ballet shoes.

And that is the world-breaking news. Madame Frances has left and we have a new performance art dance tutor arriving today.

Afterwards we were lolling about on the front steps outside, talking about Madame Frances leaving. I said, "Well, it's sad of course, but look at it this way...Hurrrrahhhhh!!!"

We had been run run leaping for the best part of a fortnight.

Vaisey said, "What is she called, the new dance teacher? It was sort of like a James Bond name, wasn't it?"

I said, "Well she can't be any odder than Madame Frances, I mean-"

At which point an old sports car came hurtling up the drive and stopped in front of us in a shower of gravel. A person dressed entirely in red plastic, with huge goggles leapt out. She took off her goggles and underneath she had another smaller pair.

She said to us, "Just call me Fox. Blaise Fox."

The weird thing is that I immediately liked Ms Fox. She is undeniably insane. We all agreed on that, but she is, well, I don't know really.

For our first session with her she walked around looking at us. She had a riding crop in her hand and she said, "I am looking at you and you are looking at me. This is very good. I am looking and I am liking. You are looking and you are thinking, 'I hope she doesn't hit me with her crop.' But that is because I am me and you are you. I am going to show you a film about the work I have done. Don't be frightened."

I have never seen anything like Ms Fox's film.

There she was, dressed up as a German businessman on a train, sitting down with a newspaper, then she started slapping the commuters with her newspaper.

And then she was in a doggie outfit dancing around a kennel in a shopping centre.

And finally, she was scratching her teeth in time to some music.

After we had watched the film, she said, "Right, you've got four minutes. Go find something in the studio and make up a little performance with it."

Wow.

And also wow.

And crikey Moses.

Everyone panicked and ran around the studio. I found an old bit of bandage backstage, I don't think it was used. I really hope it wasn't used.

I didn't really know what I was doing. I wrapped it around my hand leaving a little mouth hole. Like a mummy. I think I was modelling it on the idiot boys without their 'teef'.

Before I had time to think Ms Fox blew a whistle and shouted, "On the stage, let's see it. You!" And pointed to people.

Even Jo looked rattled. She'd found two drumsticks and put them in her hair and started to speak Japanese, I think.

Flossie put on a lampshade and started being a catwalk model.

Next it was Vaisey. She got up and said, "This is Vaisey."Then she put a curtain round her shoulders and said, "But this is Vaisey, Star!" And burst into song: "Fame, I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly. I'm gonna-"

Ms Fox shouted, "Next!" And pointed at me.

I got up on stage and said, "Um, hello, Dad used to bring me stuff back from Egypt, and once he brought me a baby mummy."

Milly and Tilly started sniggering.

Then I said, "And here it is." And put my bandaged hand up.

Everyone was just looking at me. Like I'd gone mad.

I had.

I looked at the mummy. I said to it, "So you are an Ancient Egyptian, then?"

I made the mummy nod its head and open and shut its mouth.

"That's very interesting." The mummy nodded.

I said, "You're very small for a mummy." And the mummy started making muffled noises.

I said to it, "Well, there is no need for that kind of language. You are only letting yourself down, and ruining a lovely occasion."

The mummy made muffled noises again.

I said, "Right, that does it!"

And I wrestled my own hand to the floor and fought with it for a bit.

Some people clapped at the end.

Vaisey and Jo and Honey and Flossie stared at me.

As we were going out, Blaise said to me, "What's your name?"

I said, "Tallulah Casey."

She said, "Watching you is like watching someone whose pants are on fire. Strangely fascinating, keep it up."