LUCY

[_feeling her importance_]

Now, if I could only get _Helen_ out of this awful mess and safely married to some nice man!

JUDGE

[_sipping his tea_]

Meaning one having money?

THEODORE

The Hamiltons are an older family than the Bakers, Lucy, older than our own.

JUDGE

Meaning they _once_ had money.

JOHN

[_still pacing to and fro_]

Waste a beauty on a bacteriologist? A crime!

THEODORE

See here, John, Ernest Hamilton is the biggest thing you've got in the Baker Inst.i.tute! One of the loveliest fellows in the world, too, and if you expect me--why did you ask us here, anyway?

JUDGE

Far as I can make out, we're here to help one of John's sisters marry a man she doesn't love and prevent the other from marrying the man she does.

JOHN

Oh, look here: I've nothing against young Hamilton.... I _like_ him--proud of all he's done for the inst.i.tute. Why, Mr. Baker is tickled to death about the Hamilton ant.i.toxin. But, Theodore, this is a practical world. Your scientific friend gets just two thousand dollars a year!... Lucy, send for Helen.

[_LUCY goes obediently._

JUDGE

Well, why not give the young man a raise?

JOHN

Oh, that's not a bad salary for scientists, college professors, and that sort of thing. Why, even the head of the inst.i.tute himself gets less than the superintendent of my mills. No future in science.

JUDGE

Perfectly practical, Theodore. The superintendent of John's mills saves the company thousands of dollars. These bacteriologists merely save the nation thousands of babies. All our laws, written and unwritten, value private property above human life. I'm a distinguished jurist and I always render my decisions accordingly. I'd be reversed by the United States Supreme Court if I didn't. We're all rewarded in inverse ratio to our usefulness to society, Theodore. That's why "practical men" think changes are "dangerous."

JOHN

Muck-raker!

JUDGE

It's all on a sliding scale, John. For keeping up the cost of living you and old man Baker get ... [_Stretches arms out full length._] Heaven only knows how much. For saving the Const.i.tution I get ... a good deal.

[_Hands three feet apart._] For saving in wages and operating expenses your superintendent gets so much. [_Hands two feet apart._] For saving human life Ernest Hamilton gets that. [_Hands six inches apart._] For saving immortal souls Theodore gets--[_Holds up two forefingers an inch apart._] Now, if any one came along and saved the world----

THEODORE

[_interrupts_]

They crucified Him.

JOHN

Muck-raker, muck-raker.

LUCY

[_returning_]

Tried my best, John, but Helen says she prefers to talk with you alone some time.

JOHN

[_furious_]

She "prefers"? See here! Am I master in my own house or not?