CUSTOMER: I think you'll find that that's besides the point. I think you'll find that that's besides the point.

(Phone goes dead.)

(Customer is reading a book from the shelf, pauses and folds the top of one of the pages over, then puts it back on the shelf) BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, what are you doing? Excuse me, what are you doing?

CUSTOMER: I was just reading the first chapter of this book, but I'm going to be late meeting a friend for lunch. So, I'm just marking it and I'll finish reading it when I stop by tomorrow. I was just reading the first chapter of this book, but I'm going to be late meeting a friend for lunch. So, I'm just marking it and I'll finish reading it when I stop by tomorrow.

Ripping Yarns Ripping Yarns bookshop, opposite Highgate tube station in North London, is an antiquarian bookshop which has been around since the second world war. It was bought by Celia Mitch.e.l.l and her husband, poet Adrian Mitch.e.l.l, twenty seven years ago, and was reopened for them by Michael Palin and Terry Jones [of Monty Python fame]. Our bookshop dog is Daisy, a thirteen year old Golden Retriever who plonks herself in the middle of the shop and refuses to move if you want to get by.

www.rippingyarns.co.uk.

CUSTOMER: Excuse me, do you have any signed copies of Shakespeare plays? Excuse me, do you have any signed copies of Shakespeare plays?

BOOKSELLER: Er ... do you mean signed by the people who performed the play? Er ... do you mean signed by the people who performed the play?

CUSTOMER: No, I mean signed by William Shakespeare. No, I mean signed by William Shakespeare.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

PERSON: Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Patrick. Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Patrick.

BOOKSELLER: No one of that name works here, sorry. No one of that name works here, sorry.

PERSON: But does he live here? But does he live here?

BOOKSELLER: ... No one lives here; we're a bookshop... . No one lives here; we're a bookshop.

PERSON: Are you sure? Are you sure?

CUSTOMER: Hi, if I buy a book, read it, and bring it back, can I exchange it for another book? Hi, if I buy a book, read it, and bring it back, can I exchange it for another book?

BOOKSELLER: No ... because then we wouldn't make any money. No ... because then we wouldn't make any money.

CUSTOMER: Oh. Oh.

(on the phone) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns bookshop. h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any mohair wool? Do you have any mohair wool?

BOOKSELLER: Sorry, we're not a yarns shop, we're a bookshop. Sorry, we're not a yarns shop, we're a bookshop.

CUSTOMER: You're called Ripping Yarns. You're called Ripping Yarns.

BOOKSELLER: Yes, that's 'yarns' as in stories. Yes, that's 'yarns' as in stories.

CUSTOMER: Well, it's a stupid name. Well, it's a stupid name.

BOOKSELLER: It's a Monty Python reference. It's a Monty Python reference.

CUSTOMER: So you don't sell wool? So you don't sell wool?

BOOKSELLER: No. No.

CUSTOMER: Hmf. That's ridiculous. Hmf. That's ridiculous.

BOOKSELLER: ... But we do sell dead parrots... . But we do sell dead parrots.

CUSTOMER: What? What?

BOOKSELLER: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one? Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?

CUSTOMER: Erm, no. Erm, no.

BOOKSELLER: OK, well, if you change your mind, do call back. OK, well, if you change your mind, do call back.

BOOKSELLER: OK, so with postage that brings your total to 13.05. One second and I'll get the card machine. OK, so with postage that brings your total to 13.05. One second and I'll get the card machine.

CUSTOMER: No. No, absolutely not. I demand that you charge me 12.99. I will not pay for anything that starts with thirteen. You're trying to give me bad luck. Now, change it, or I will go to a bookshop which doesn't want me to fall down a hole and die. OK? No. No, absolutely not. I demand that you charge me 12.99. I will not pay for anything that starts with thirteen. You're trying to give me bad luck. Now, change it, or I will go to a bookshop which doesn't want me to fall down a hole and die. OK?

CUSTOMER: What kind of bookshop is this? What kind of bookshop is this?

BOOKSELLER: We're an antiquarian bookshop. We're an antiquarian bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Oh, so you sell books about fish. Oh, so you sell books about fish.

CUSTOMER: Do you sell ipod chargers? Do you sell ipod chargers?

BOOKSELLER: ... No... . No.

CUSTOMER: Why? Why?

(phone rings) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns Bookshop h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns Bookshop MAN: h.e.l.lo, is that Ripping Yarns? h.e.l.lo, is that Ripping Yarns?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

MAN: The bookshop? The bookshop?

BOOKSELLER: ... Yes... . Yes.

MAN: Are you there? Are you there?

BOOKSELLER: How do you mean? How do you mean?

MAN: I mean, are you at the shop now? I mean, are you at the shop now?

BOOKSELLER: Erm ... yes, you just rang the number for the bookshop and I answered your call. Erm ... yes, you just rang the number for the bookshop and I answered your call.

CUSTOMER: h.e.l.lo, I'd like a copy of h.e.l.lo, I'd like a copy of The Water Babies, The Water Babies, with nice ill.u.s.trations. But I don't want to pay a lot of money for it, so could you show me what editions you do have so I can look at them, and then I can go and find one online? with nice ill.u.s.trations. But I don't want to pay a lot of money for it, so could you show me what editions you do have so I can look at them, and then I can go and find one online?

MAN: Hi, I've just self-published my art book. My friends tell me that I'm set to be the new Van Gogh. How many copies of my book would you like to pre-order? Hi, I've just self-published my art book. My friends tell me that I'm set to be the new Van Gogh. How many copies of my book would you like to pre-order?

BOOKSELLER: You know, Van Gogh was never appreciated in his lifetime. You know, Van Gogh was never appreciated in his lifetime.

MAN: ... ...

PIZZA DELIVERY MAN (on entering the shop with a large pile of pizzas and seeing the bookseller, the only person in the bookshop) (on entering the shop with a large pile of pizzas and seeing the bookseller, the only person in the bookshop): Hi, did you order fifteen pizzas?

WOMAN: Hi, my daughter is going to come by on her way home from school to buy a book. However, she seems to like to buy books with s.e.x in them, and she's only twelve, so can I ask you to keep an eye out for her and make sure she doesn't buy anything inappropriate for her age? I can give you a list of authors she is allowed to buy. Hi, my daughter is going to come by on her way home from school to buy a book. However, she seems to like to buy books with s.e.x in them, and she's only twelve, so can I ask you to keep an eye out for her and make sure she doesn't buy anything inappropriate for her age? I can give you a list of authors she is allowed to buy.

BOOKSELLER: With all due respect, would it not be easier for you to come in with your daughter? With all due respect, would it not be easier for you to come in with your daughter?

WOMAN: Certainly not. She's a grown girl; she can do it herself. Certainly not. She's a grown girl; she can do it herself.

CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy your heaviest book, please. I'd like to buy your heaviest book, please.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on the dark arts? Do you have any books on the dark arts?

BOOKSELLER: ... No... . No.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any idea where I could find some? Do you have any idea where I could find some?

BOOKSELLER: Why don't you try Knockturn Alley? Why don't you try Knockturn Alley?

CUSTOMER: Where's that? Where's that?

BOOKSELLER: Oh, the centre of London. Oh, the centre of London.

CUSTOMER: Thanks, I'll keep my eyes peeled for it. Thanks, I'll keep my eyes peeled for it.