BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Didn't this place used to be a camera shop? Didn't this place used to be a camera shop?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, it did, but we bought the place a year ago. Yes, it did, but we bought the place a year ago.

CUSTOMER: And now you're a ... And now you're a ...

BOOKSELLER: ... a bookshop... . a bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Right. Yes. So, where do you keep the cameras? Right. Yes. So, where do you keep the cameras?

CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on the story of Easter? Do you have any books on the story of Easter?

BOOKSELLER: I'm sure we do, yes. I'm sure we do, yes.

CUSTOMER: Excellent. Something with lots of chicks and rabbits would be great, thanks. Excellent. Something with lots of chicks and rabbits would be great, thanks.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a book which lists the weather forecast for the rest of this year? Do you have a book which lists the weather forecast for the rest of this year?

CUSTOMER: Will you be open so I can buy the new Harry Potter book? Will you be open so I can buy the new Harry Potter book?

BOOKSELLER: Yep, we're having a midnight opening. Yep, we're having a midnight opening.

CUSTOMER: Great. What time? Great. What time?

CUSTOMER: Do you have a book of mother-in-law jokes? I want to give it to my mother-in-law as a joke. But, you know, not really as a joke at all. Do you have a book of mother-in-law jokes? I want to give it to my mother-in-law as a joke. But, you know, not really as a joke at all.

CHILD: Mum, look, it's the book of Mum, look, it's the book of A Hundred and One Dalmatians. A Hundred and One Dalmatians. Can I get a hundred and one puppies? Can I get a hundred and one puppies?

CHILD'S MOTHER: No, dear, you've already got a hamster. That's quite enough. No, dear, you've already got a hamster. That's quite enough.

CUSTOMER: I'm looking for a book for my son. He's only seven but he's so advanced; it's like he has the brain of a twenty year old. What would you recommend? I'm looking for a book for my son. He's only seven but he's so advanced; it's like he has the brain of a twenty year old. What would you recommend?

(Child finds the light switch and begins to flick it on and off... and on and off) CHILD'S MOTHER: He's playing a game he calls 'Night and Day.' He's playing a game he calls 'Night and Day.'

BOOKSELLER: Could you please ask him to stop? I need to be able to see the till to serve these customers. Could you please ask him to stop? I need to be able to see the till to serve these customers.

CHILD'S MOTHER: It's ok. He'll stop in a few minutes. See, he's pretending to snore at the moment. He'll stop soon and pretend to wake up, and switch the light on like it's the sun. He's so imaginative, isn't he? David, what time is it in the game? It's ok. He'll stop in a few minutes. See, he's pretending to snore at the moment. He'll stop soon and pretend to wake up, and switch the light on like it's the sun. He's so imaginative, isn't he? David, what time is it in the game?

CHILD: It's five in the morning! It's five in the morning!

CHILD'S MOTHER (to bookseller) (to bookseller): See. Not long to go now. Just be patient. See. Not long to go now. Just be patient.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any positions available at the moment? I'd like my daughter to get a Sat.u.r.day job. Do you have any positions available at the moment? I'd like my daughter to get a Sat.u.r.day job.

BOOKSELLER: If your daughter is interested in working for us, it'd be best if she came and spoke to us herself. If your daughter is interested in working for us, it'd be best if she came and spoke to us herself.

CUSTOMER: I don't think she's that keen on having a job, that's the problem... But you could always come round to our house and try and convince her to come and work for you. Then she might consider it. I don't think she's that keen on having a job, that's the problem... But you could always come round to our house and try and convince her to come and work for you. Then she might consider it.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Do you have a copy of Atonement Atonement? But not the film cover, please. Keira Knightley's neck makes me want to punch things.

CUSTOMER: I'd like a refund on this book please. I'd like a refund on this book please.

BOOKSELLER: What seems to be the problem? What seems to be the problem?

CUSTOMER: It's broken! I barely touched it. It's ridiculous! It's broken! I barely touched it. It's ridiculous!

BOOKSELLER: What do you mean? What do you mean?

CUSTOMER: I I mean mean all I did was drop it in the bath by accident. And now, I mean, just all I did was drop it in the bath by accident. And now, I mean, just look look at it: the thing's unreadable! at it: the thing's unreadable!

CUSTOMER: Do you have any books containing pa.s.sages which would be suitable to read out at a funeral? Do you have any books containing pa.s.sages which would be suitable to read out at a funeral?

BOOKSELLER: Sure, I'll help you look. Sure, I'll help you look.

CUSTOMER: Thanks. Thanks.

BOOKSELLER: And I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry for your loss.

CUSTOMER: Oh, don't worry about it, it's just my daughter's guinea pig. Oh, don't worry about it, it's just my daughter's guinea pig.

CUSTOMER (holding up a Jamie Oliver cookbook): (holding up a Jamie Oliver cookbook): Would you mind if I photocopied this recipe? Would you mind if I photocopied this recipe?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, I would. Yes, I would.

CUSTOMER: Where's your poetry section? Where's your poetry section?

BOOKSELLER: It's just over here. It's just over here.

CUSTOMER: Great. Do you know who wrote the poem 'Happy Birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too'? Great. Do you know who wrote the poem 'Happy Birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too'?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Do they have their own collection? Do they have their own collection?

CUSTOMER: Do you have a crafts book on how to build a gun? Do you have a crafts book on how to build a gun?

CUSTOMER: I've always thought I'd like to open up my own bookshop. I've always thought I'd like to open up my own bookshop.

BOOKSELLER: Oh, really? Oh, really?

CUSTOMER: Yes, definitely. There's just something about it, you know? I just think it must be ever so relaxing. Yes, definitely. There's just something about it, you know? I just think it must be ever so relaxing.

(phone rings) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo? h.e.l.lo?

CUSTOMER: Hi there. I have a complaint I'd like to make. Hi there. I have a complaint I'd like to make.

BOOKSELLER: I'm sorry to hear that; what seems to be the problem? I'm sorry to hear that; what seems to be the problem?

CUSTOMER: My daughter's been having nightmares about My daughter's been having nightmares about The Gruffalo The Gruffalo.

BOOKSELLER: Right. Right.

CUSTOMER: What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it?

BOOKSELLER: Well, I hasten to add that I have never heard of a child having nightmares about Well, I hasten to add that I have never heard of a child having nightmares about The Gruffalo The Gruffalo before. It's certainly not meant to be a scary book, and I'm sure the person who recommended this book to you didn't intend for this to happen either. When did you buy this book from us? before. It's certainly not meant to be a scary book, and I'm sure the person who recommended this book to you didn't intend for this to happen either. When did you buy this book from us?

CUSTOMER: We didn't buy it from you. We didn't buy it from you.

BOOKSELLER: ... Right... . Right.

CUSTOMER: I'm calling from Canada. I've googled all the bookshops I can find, and I'm calling you up to request that you stop stocking the book immediately. I'm calling from Canada. I've googled all the bookshops I can find, and I'm calling you up to request that you stop stocking the book immediately.

BOOKSELLER: ... Right... . Right.

(Pause) CUSTOMER: So, are you going to get rid of the copies that you do have? So, are you going to get rid of the copies that you do have?

BOOKSELLER: No, I'm afraid we won't be doing that. No, I'm afraid we won't be doing that.

CUSTOMER: And why is that? And why is that?

BOOKSELLER: Because this appears to be an isolated incident, and the book is loved by many of our customers. Because this appears to be an isolated incident, and the book is loved by many of our customers.

CUSTOMER: Right ... I see. Well. I'll be splitting my daughter's counselling bill and sharing it out amongst heartless booksellers like you! Right ... I see. Well. I'll be splitting my daughter's counselling bill and sharing it out amongst heartless booksellers like you!

BOOKSELLER: Out of interest, how many bookshops have agreed to get rid of the book so far? Out of interest, how many bookshops have agreed to get rid of the book so far?