"This is 1944, not the Dark Ages. No one forced you to do this to yourself. That's why they make baby bottles. My own mother gave me a botde, and that was twenty years ago. Jesus, Fanny, every time I think of you I'm going to envision those two babies hanging off. . . I can't handle this. I have to get out of here."

A hundred things flashed through Fanny's mind. Nasty things, explanations, pleas for understanding. She cowered beneath the covers, listening to the sounds of the shower. She wanted to reach out and turn off the light, but she didn't.

Thirty minutes later, Ash exited the bathroom, fully dressed. From the doorway he stared at his wife. "I know I'm probably wrong. Tomorrow or the next day I'll no doubt regret this . . . this . .. whatever it is. I'm sure my expectations were ... are ... I expected , . . wanted ... I need some time to ... 1 don't know, I just need time. Maybe we needed to know each other a htde . . .I'm confused. I'll write, Fanny."

Fanny lay as still as a statue. Surely this wasn't happening to her. But it was. Her husband was walking out on her because.. . because she nursed her babies. Because she'd gained too much weight. Because they didn't know each other well enough. From somewhere, deep within her, she found the guts to say, "Don't bother."

He was almost to the doorway when he turned and said, "What?"

"You heard me. I said, don't bother to write."

"Okay, if that's the way you want it, I won't. What are you going to do now, call my mother and cry on her shoulder?"

"It doesn't really matter, does it?"

"No, I guess it doesn't.*'

Fanny closed her eyes as she waited for the door to slam. Instead, it closed so quiedy, she had to strain her eyes in the darkness to see that her husband had really left.

13.

Fanny looked at the bedside clock: 6:00 a.m. She lit a cigarette and stared at the messy ashtray. It looked disgusting. The bed looked disgusting, the room looked disgusting. She knew she looked disgusting sitting here, huddled in bed like some pariah. Men walked out on their wives every day of the week. Women walked out on their husbands every day of the week. "No matter what, I would never do that," Fanny muttered around a cloud of cigarette smoke. Who was that man in bed with her saying those terrible things at two-thirty in the morning? She crushed out her cigarette and fired up another one. So, he wasn't going to write. Well, tough noogies; she wasn't going to write either.

Moon appeared in the doorway. Birch in her arms. Fanny shook her head. "Give him a bottle." Moon nodded. Had she heard Ash's sharp words, heard him leave? Did it matter?

Fanny reached for the phone. "Bess, I want to go Christmas shopping. I want you to go with me. Please?"

"Sure. We'll go in an hour. What happened? Don't leave anything out, I'm your friend, Fanny. I'm on your side, and I can be objective, so don't be embarrassed."

Fanny told her.

"You aren't crying, why is that? Did you cry after he left?"

"No. I guess I was too numb to cry. I'll tell you all about it. Let me get cleaned up and I'll walk over to your house. How does ten o'clock sound?"

"Ten o'clock is fine with me. You're sure you're okay, Fanny?"

"No, I'm not okay. I need some time to .. . I just need some time. Bess, do you think the hurt will ever go away?"

"Time heals everything, Fanny. There might be a scar or two, but time will heal. It's the best I can offer."

"You're such a good friend, Bess. I'll see you in a htde while."

274 Fern Michaels It was well past the dinner hour when Fanny returned home. She checked on her sleepir^ sons, changed her clothes, pumped her milk, and took the second pill John had given her to help dry it up. As John had said, his face full of compassion, the healing process was under way.

At nine o'clock the phone rang. Fanny tripped over her own feet in her rush to get to it. Maybe it was Ash. It was Sallie.

"Farmy, how are you? How are things with the twins? Are they adapting to the bottles?"

"I'm fine, SaUie. The boys are doing just fine, they only cry when they're hungry or need to be changed. They gobble down the bot-de and go right back to sleep. If it hadn't been for you, my sons would still be wailing. I feel so stupid."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, darling. These things happen. Did Ash get off all right? Was it as wonderful as you expected? Forget I asked that, it's none of my business. Wait till you hear this, Fanny. My brother Seth and BiUie and her mother are coming to Nevada for Christmas. Actually, they'll arrive Christmas Eve. I cannot believe it. Billie can't wait to meet you. She said the two of you have had some wonderful conversations over the phone. She sounded really excited. That's really why I'm calhng. I did try calling earlier, but Yee said you'd gone out with Bess. I'm glad you're getting out and about. There is a world outside the house."

"I decided that I would love to go to Sunrise over the holidays if the invitation is still open. Will you have enough room for everyone?"

"Of course. If there isn't, I can always sleep in the schoolroom. Peggy and her husband Steve will be joining us. She's finally agreed to move permanendy to Nevada. She liked the freedom of going back and forth to her htde house in Texas, but as Steve says, she's a political wife now. I wish Ash and Simon could make it, but I'm afraid this is going to be amother Christmas without them. Someday Sunrise will be yours, so it's fitting that the twins spend their first Christmas there. Do you feel that way, Fanny?"

"Very much so. I'm looking forward to the holidays."

"Now that you have house help we can shop till Christmas. It wiU be so much fun. I'll let you go, sweetie. Sleep well."

"Thanks for calling, Sallie. Have a nice evening."

From long months of habit, Fanny sat down at the desk in her room and wrote a letter to Ash-a letter she would not mail. She poured out her heart on the paper, her eyes dry, her heart sore and bruised. When she finished, she folded the letter and stuck it under the blotter on the desk. Her hand reached for the phone. It was time to talk to Billie Coleman. She placed the call.

"It's Fanny, Billie. Is this too late to be calling you? I need to talk to someone."

"Not at all. Something's wrong, I can hear it in your voice. I'm listening, Fanny. Take your time, I have all night. Maggie is asleep and I was just sitting here reading."

"How are you feeling?"

Billie laughed. "Like I'm six months pregnant, which I am. Most of the time I'm miserable and sick. Seth growls and my mother hovers. They want a boy so bad. I can't tell you how excited I am that we're coming to see you over the holidays. I'm counting the days. Oh, Fanny, it was a battle royal, but I won. I just up and told them I was going, with or without them. Amelia is coming too, I insisted on that. You're going to love her. Seth has been so brutal to her. He disowned her, can you believe that? I want to cry for her, but she's tough. I wish I was more like that. I hate living here, Fanny, I really do."

"Oh, Billie, I wish you were here. All Sallie could do was talk about you after her trip to Texas. Maybe she can get your father-in-law to turn around. I can't wait to see you and your little girl."

The conversation went on for hours. When Fanny hung up at midnight, she felt more like her old self. She knew she would sleep. Billie Coleman had that rare ability to say the right thing at the right time, no matter how miserable she herself was feeling.

Fanny dropped to her knees to say her evening prayers. "Please, God, look after my family and keep them safe. If it's possible, allow Ash to . . . to . . . get over what he feels. It would be a help if you'd let Billie feel a litde better. Thank you, God, for hearing my prayer."

Fanny slept deeply and dreamlessly for the first time in eleven months.

"Philip, how terrible! When are you leaving? Are you sure you don't want me to go with you? I will, you know. I know how much you loved your brother. How sad that he should pass away at this time of year."

"Sallie, I appreciate the offer, but you need to be here with Fanny and the boys. Your brother and his fjunily are coming. It's not as though you ever knew my brother."

"I feel Hke I do, PhiUp. You talked about him so much. I don't like you going alone."

"Do we need another lesson in Philip Thornton's logic? Isn't it better for one person to be sad than a whole family? Of course it is. SaUie, it's okay, really it is. I wouldn't have much time to spend with you. I'm going to be busy with my brother's family. There are going to be many things I have to see to. I think I'll be gone for at least a month. Promise me you won't worry about me. I'll call when things are under control."

"Philip, are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Are you leaving now?"

"Yes. I was lucky to get a seat, this is the hohdays, but when I explained the circumstances, they managed to get me on the first available flight. Have a wonderful hohday. Red will drop my gifts off tomorrow. Thanks for inviting her, Sallie."

"The more the merrier. Take care of yourself, Philip."

Philip kissed her lighdy, drinking in the scent of her, savoring her soft, gentie lips on his own. "Merry Christmas, Sallie."

"Merry Christmas, PhiHp," Sallie said with a catch in her voice. "If the boys call, I'll tell them to call you in Boston." Philip nodded.

SaUie watched from the window until Philip's cab was out of sight.

Sunrise hummed with activity as the huge evergreen was brought into the middle of the living room. "No corner this year. I want us all to see every inch of it."

"That's the funniest thing you've ever said, Sallie." Fanny laughed. "There are so many presents, you can't get within two feet of it. I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful tree. However did you get all these presents, Sallie?"

SaUie laughed. "It wasn't easy. As the days started to dwindle, I called stores, told them what I wanted, and they delivered. Christmas is the only time I'm glad I'm rich. I love to give. How are your driving lessons going, Fanny?"

"They aren't. I'm going to start again after New Year's. You have more faith in my abihty than I do, SaUie. I get very jittery behind the wheel."

"That's normal at first. If I can do it, so can you. Joseph was an excellent teacher. Stay on after the New Year and Chue will teach you. He loves to drive. He's a little bossy, but a good teacher."

"Maybe I will. I love it up here. I need to talk to you, Sallie, about all the help. I can't let you keep paying for everything."

"I want to do it, Fanny. It makes me happy to be able to help. I don't want you to have to struggle. I did enough of that to last this family a lifetime. Please, Fanny, let me do this for you. Ash, and the boys. It will make life so much easier for all of you. Take a minute, close your eyes, and try to picture what your life would be like without Moon and the others. Now, open your eyes and tell me what you saw."

"Total disaster. I accept. I'm so grateful, Sallie. Ash will have to . . . come to terms with it."

"Have you heard from him?"

"Not since he left. Not even a Christmas card. He might call if he can get leave, but I'm not counting on it."

"It's going to be a wonderful Christmas. We're aU going to be together. What time is it, Fanny?"

"Eight o'clock. They're just a little late."

Sallie's eyes lit up as she smiled from ear to ear. "I hear Devin in the kitchen. He must have come in the back way. Excuse me, Fanny."

Ash, where are you, what are you doing? Are you remembering this time last year? Are you thinking about me? Fanny's eyes filled. That was another time, another place.

When Fanny saw the headlights arc on the living room wall, she ran to the door and threw it open. Billie's name on her lips carried into the crisp star-filled night.

"Fanny! I'd run, but all I can do is waddle."

"I can run," Fanny shouted as she raced across the lawn to the driveway. "I've been waiting all day for you to get here." She hugged Billie as best she could, careful not to press hard on her protruding stomach. "We have so much to talk about. We'll do it later in my room after everyone goes to sleep. My manners are terrible. Mrs. Ames, I'm Fanny Thornton. Mr. Coleman, it's so nice to meet you. And this sleeping cherub must be Maggie. Please, come into the house, it's cold out here. Chue will carry Maggie upstairs if you want to put her to bed. I'll help while the rest of the family gets acquainted," Fanny said, her arms around Billie's shoulders.

"Seth!" Sallie called from the doorway. "Merry Christmas! I'm 278 Fern Michaels so glad you could come. You too, Mrs. Ames. Where's Amelia?"

"She couldn't make it," Seth said gruffly.

"Not true," BiUie whispered to Fanny. "I'll tell you about it later."

Chue, with Maggie in his arms, led the way up the steps, Fanny and Billie behind him.

Sallie ushered her guests into the huge living room, her eyes amused as Agnes Ames visually cataloged everything in the house with dollar signs. Sallie knew she was comparing each stick of furniture, each painting, each article of clothing on her body, as well as her jewelry, dollar for dollar.

"You have a lovely home, Mrs. Thornton," Mrs. Ames said.

"Please caU me SaUie."

"Then you must call me Agnes."

"Call her Aggie. I do," Seth saiid in his gravel voice.

"Your tree is gorgeous," Agnes said.

"Grown and cut right here on the property," Sallie said.

"How many acres is this spread?" Seth asked.

"Acres? I don't think I'd call it a spread. I own the mountain. To answer your question, I guess I'd have to say I don't know. Tomorrow when it's light you might be able to make a judgment."

"You oum the whole mountain?" Agnes purred.

"Yes," Sallie smiled. "I'm remiss, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Peggy, your sister. She looks like Pop, don't you think? And you, too. This handsome man standing next to her is her husband, Steven Lawton, the lieutenant governor of Nevada. This is Red Ruby, a personal friend of mine, and this sweet young woman is Akia, Chue's wife. This is Su Li and her husband Teke; both are doctors. Philip isn't here. His brother died, and he had to go to Boston. And, last but not least, this is Devin Rollins, my attorney and friend. The two of you have been corresponding for months now. Everyone, this is Agnes Ames and my brother Seth. Now, what would you all like to drink?"

"Whiskey," Seth said. "A double. Aggie here will have one of those pink blossom things."

Agnes's snoot rose. "Actually, Seth, I'd prefer a double scotch." Her smile was arrogant, an I-guess-I-told-you smile. Sallie thought of barracudas and sharks.

Sallie stepped aside so that her sister Peggy and her husband could greet Seth. She signaled Su Li to offer Agnes a tour of the house, which Agnes readily accepted.

"Where's your office, girl?" Seth demanded. Sallie ignored the question, knowing full well that he was talking to her. Even when he raised his voice and spoke a second time, she ignored him. She had a name.

"Sallie?"

"Yes, Seth," Sallie said sweetly.

"Do you keep an office here in the house?"

"Yes, it's off the kitchen. Would you like to see it?"

"I would, before this whiskey takes hold of my gut."

"Follow me then," Sallie said, leading the way out of the living room, through the dining room, and on out to the kitchen where dinner preparations were under way.

"Is something wrong, Seth? Is it something to do with your son Moss?"

"No, nothing like that."