"I didn't say that. I said I didn't know earlier, but I do now. Before I tell you, I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Will we ever come back here again? I mean, the waterwheel is your creation, but it's an unconscious one. I guess I like it here and was just wondering if we'll be able to get back some time." I took in the scene, made more amazing because it was a visceral piece of what was deep inside him.

"I have no idea." He sighed. "It's all uncharted territory for me too."

I glanced around one last time. I wanted to clutch this magical place between my fingers but it would have been easier to catch a handful of steam.

"We're off to the top of the mountain," I said, tipping my head in the direction of the eagle's aerie and adding a significant amount of bravado to my voice.

"And why would we do that?" Trevor asked.

"I think we spent a lot of time on a very similar outcrop." I nodded toward the summit. "The thought of going to the top of a mountain scares the heck out of me. It makes my heart race. It's also intriguing. I hate the height, but being close to the eagles . . . What I've started to figure out is that the things I avoid the most seem to have the most importance."

"You've avoided me like the plague," said Trevor.

"You were obnoxious."

Trevor clutched his chest in mock anguish. "I'm wounded by your words."

I couldn't help it; I gave him an exasperated shove. I didn't intend for him to lose his balance. His arms flew round and around like twin waterwheels, trying to keep himself perched on the mossy rock. The last thing I saw before he plopped backward into the small pool of water was his T-shirt . . . s.h.i.t HAPPENS.

a a a This time it was my Delve, which took me off guard. I a.s.sumed I'd be back in Trevor's past, considering we transitioned the minute he hit the surface of the water, but I could see him, standing next to a vintage red Ford pickup truck. It was clean and pristine, even on this dusty, tree-lined back road.

As I settled into myself, I noticed that my heart was racing and my breathing was shallow. Trevor walked toward me, his face concerned.

"Elliot, are you okay? You don't seem so good. Here, sit down and put your head between your knees," he said.

Now all I could see was the tiny patch of gra.s.s between my shoes. Trevor's hand was ma.s.saging the tension out of my neck.

"I'm confused," Trevor said. "You took me up to a dangerous mountain peak and laughed at me because my knees were practically knocking together in height-fright. But when I suggest that we take a ride in my truck, a truck so old that it shakes a little when the speedometer hits sixty, you almost pa.s.s out."

My head stayed wedged between my knees.

"Come on, Elliot. This is what I do. I drive the back roads in my grandfather's old truck and listen to music. This is how I get lost in myself. I thought you wanted to be a part of that." The vulnerability in his voice was unavoidable now.

My head flew up. Trevor was blurry as tears welled up.

"I haven't been in a c-c-car since . . ." My voice trembled so badly I couldn't continue talking. I wiped my face with the back of my hand.

"Oh, s.h.i.t. That never even occurred to me. I have no idea what I was thinking. d.a.m.n. I wasn't thinking at all." He shook his hair in every direction. "Let's get out of here. We can climb your mountain and go see the eagles. I promise I won't even complain about how scary it is sitting on the tip of that rock." He was suddenly crouched in front of me. "Let's leave Sally parked and get out of here."

That didn't feel right either.

"No." My voice was steady, sure of what it was about to say, although the stiffness in my limbs hadn't managed to catch up with my new att.i.tude. "I don't want to leave. I want to stay here. I don't think I can actually get in youra"did you call your truck Sally?" I made a sound that was something between a chuckle and a gulp.

"That's right. Her name is Sally." He puffed up proudly.

Before I could snicker, he leaned in close to my ear and his warm breath rustled the loose hair against my neck.

"Shhh, don't tease her. She's very sensitive. She thinks she's a Mustang, and I don't have the heart to tell her any different." Then he winked.

It was like a lightning strike.

In that moment, I realized I was in love with Trevor. It felt like an instantaneous revelation. In truth there were hundreds of small moments building to it, all in varying degrees of proximity to a tiny little gravestone. This was just the moment when it came togethera"the tipping point.

"I don't want to leave. I want to hear all about your complicated relationship with Sally." My heart felt like it was leaking golden light and filling up all my empty s.p.a.ces.

Trevor jumped to his feet like an excited little boy.

"Really?" he asked.

"Really," I confirmed. "I don't think I'm ready to sit in the front, but what about if we sit in the back instead? We wouldn't even be facing in the typical direction; it wouldn't feel like driving at all."

"I've got some of my grandfather's old blankets tucked behind the seat in the cab. I'll go grab them, okay?"

"Okay." I couldn't believe I wasn't close to hysterics.

"Is this change of heart about Sally?" he yelled from behind the backseat. "Are you jealous of another girl?" He popped up with a huge teasing smile and an armful of scratchy wool.

"It seems to me that Sally is formidable compet.i.tion."

"Here, let me help you up. Put your foot on the back b.u.mper."

"Gee, Trevor, I can get into the back of a pickup truck." I shook my head. "I'm not afraid of Sally, either. She's a bit old for you. Besides, I could take her if I had to."

"Ah, I forgot you're fearless." He patted the pile of blankets next to him and I took a seat. "You're the bravest person I've ever met," Trevor said, putting his arm around my shoulders.

"I don't feel brave. I feel like I'm only surviving because I'm with you. My parents think I'm at Cari's house every day. If they bothered to check up, they would know that she never even called me, that she wants nothing to do with me. But they won't check. They don't want to push too hard on the truth. They're just relieved that I'm not catatonic in bed anymore. They're more than happy to believe the illusiona"it's so much better than the reality they were living with. At least now they have a little hope."

"I don't take it back, you know. You can say what you want, but no matter how you look at it, you are the bravest person I know," Trevor said.

"But I'm scared to death most of the time. I still have nightmares."

"Being brave isn't about not being scared. Being brave is what you do despite being scared," Trevor said.

Yes, it was a done deal. I knew for sure that I was in love with this boy who could see past the ugliness in me. I would always be in love with this boy.

He pulled me closer but let his words settle in a moment before he changed the subject back to Sally, music, and winding roads. I decided to relax and be content for the moment.

21.

complications I'd loved him. Ugh! Could things get any more complicated? Well, they probably could. I should be grateful that Trevor hadn't been privy to my private thoughts in the past. We were getting along much better now. We might even be friends, but I couldn't be in love with a guy who could explode at any time. I couldn't be in love with my exa"best friend's possible boyfriend. Just because my heart raced when I got too close to him didn't mean thata"

"Time to go," I said, taking control of the situation and my mutinous thoughts. I reached to help Trevor climb out of the pond.

He gripped my hand all the way up to the wrist and with a quick yank I was flying through the air and toppling head first into the water.

I came up sputtering, trying to work myself up into a good huff, but when I saw how pleased he was with himself, I had to appreciate his master plan.

"I should've seen that coming." I dipped my head back under the water, enjoying the sensation of my hair floating and then drying instantly as I broke the surface. Giant beads of water tumbled back to where they'd come from.

"It is a weird sensation," said Trevor, watching me defy water.

"Did you ever play with cornstarch and water when you were a kid?" I asked, suddenly remembering that I had. Hadn't Mel mentioned that once some of the big memories were unlocked, smaller ones would start popping up with little triggers?

"Can't say I did. Why?" Trevor asked.

"When you mix the powdered cornstarch with water it's almost solid, but the minute the heat of your hand makes contact, it softens the goop and it runs through your fingers. You can't hold on to it."

"Like the way we're wet and dry simultaneously," Trevor said.

"Yes and no," I said. "It does have its similarities, I guess, but I was thinking more about Delving."

"Yup, Delving is a weird sensation. Especially when I'm in one of your Delves."

"Hey!" I punched him in the arm, but it wasn't very effective, considering that I was treading water.

"Here, let me help you, shorty."

Before I could protest, Trevor had wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled my back against his chest. His chin brushed the top of my head.

"Is that better?"

Oh boya"this qualified as a weird sensation. I didn't know that contentment and electric shock could exist in the same moment of contact.

"What were you saying about Delving?" asked Trevor.

"Um, well . . ." I was having a hard time remembering what I'd been talking about.

Trevor's mouth was so darn close to my ear. "It's finea"I get distracted all the time. I'm sure you'll think of it later."

Before I could come up with a witty retort, he was gliding me toward the rock so we could climb out of the water. With a little boost, I was up and out of the pool. I froze. Julia was standing in the shadow of the waterwheel. How long had she been there? Long enough, I guessed from seeing her shocked face.

Trevor turned and used his arms to pop up into a sitting position next to me on the rock. "So what dangerous paths are you going to lead me down now?" He grabbed my hand, mingling his fingers with mine. Then he looked up.

"Julia?" Trevor said.

She appeared forlorn and I was dumbfounded, unable to think of a single thing to say.

"Julia, what's the matter?" Trevor's fingers untangled themselves from mine, but he still hadn't moved.

"I was searching for you." She sounded shaky. "I had a bad Delve earlier and I can't get it out of my head. I need someone to talk to." Her voice caught at the same time that her face crumpled.

The way she stared at me, it was as if none of the nonsense that had gone on between us had ever occurred. She needed me, finally. And I needed to be needed. My heart swelled and I took a step forward, ready to forgive her. I was all set to cover her with my friendship, like bubble wrap. I'd help to keep her safe.

When Trevor rushed past me, my humiliation was complete. I watched as he pulled her to him, enveloping her in his arms. She didn't need me. She'd been searching for him. I clenched my fists. My teeth were grinding into each other. At first I thought the dizzy sensation had to do with the fact that I was so steamed I was holding my breath, buta"

a a a I was in dark shadows and a woman towered over me, framed in bright lights. I disliked her immediately. Her face was shifting plates of harsh lines and her anger drilled into my face or the face of whoever's Delve this was.

"Mama, I don't want to go out there." The voice was whispery and pleading.

Where the h.e.l.l was I?

"Julia Antonio Going. We have been through this before. You will go out on that stage," the woman hissed, and stepped closer.

Juliaa"this was Julia's Delve again. She peeked up at the woman. My stomach sank with the realization that this was her mother. The woman seemed gigantic. All I could think about was Cruella de Vil.

"But I told you, I don't want to do dancing. It's scary to do a recital. I don't like the people watching me and the lights in my face."

The pieces were starting to fall into place. Julia's mother wasn't overly talla"Julia was little, really young from the sound of it. Then there was music, a swell of notes, and a woman with her hair in a bun and a corsage pinned to her dress popped her head over Mrs. Going's shoulder.

"Everything all right here?" The woman sounded nervous, but you could tell she was trying to hide it behind her happy preschool voice.

"Everything's fine." Mrs. Going grabbed Julia by the upper arm, her nails digging into her daughter's skin. I felt myself flinch. The first time because of the cruelty of the act and the second time because Julia didn't flinch at all, telling me all I needed to know. She was used to this.

"Are you ready to dance then, Julia? It's time," the woman with the corsage said. I saw a flock of tiny girls in tutus being herded onto the stage.

"She's ready to dance. Aren't you, Julia?" Her mother leaned over and whispered in her ear, "You're already a disappointment. Don't embarra.s.s me out there."

Julia nodded as she was led away to join the rest of the ballerinas.

I said a little prayer, hoping she'd realize that the stage wasn't such a bad place to be. At least her mother wasn't on it. I was pretty sure that there weren't a lot of things scarier than that woman. Julia found a glow-in-the-dark circle in the row of stickers on the stage floor. She fixed her feet and I took in what she was seeing. We now stood center stage, facing the rich royal blue curtaina"watching it slide open. The widening gap, becoming bigger by the second, exposed a sea of bright lights and shadowed faces. The curtains stopped and in the moment just before the audience made its first sound, Julia looked down to see a stream of liquid race down her little leg, fill her pink ballet slipper, and then puddle at her feet.

a a a "Shh," Trevor cooed, rocking her in his arms. "It's okay. She's not really here. You're safe with me."

Julia lifted her head and there was no hiding from what I'd seen. She stood up and faced me, so close I could have reached out and hugged her. Her expression was full of things, some that I understood and some that I didn't have a clue how to decipher, but I wanted to try. I found myself leaning toward her, wanting to be included. In one second I realized that a single horrific event, in my otherwise pretty good life, was less traumatic than her life full of tragedy.

Julia's delicate wrist dabbed at the corners of her leaky eyes. "Elliot, would it be okay if I borrowed Trevor for a little while?"

Of all the things she could've ask for, she picked the one that would wound me the most. This was beyond taking Trevor away from me.

It was utter rejection.

I could feel the anger boiling in my soul. She should understand what rejection feels like and not ever want to hurt someone else that way. And now I couldn't help ita"I hated her. It seemed so wrong after what I'd just witnessed, but it was beyond my control. It all roared out of me as a storma"clouds, raindrops, and lightning. Julia stood her ground, even though my feelings were pouring down on her. Of course she had her protector behind her. Another rush of anguish. Trevor, on the other hand, appeared frazzled as he watched my volatile emotions, making G.o.d knows what kind of display over my head. A sharp crack of thunder made Trevor tense, which I enjoyed until Julia practically shot back into his arms.

"Please? Please give us a couple minutes. Will you wait for me?" Trevor asked.

I wanted to say no, that I hated him, too, but flashes from our Delves kept going off like fireworks in my brain. I'd fallen in love with him once, but that didn't have to mean anything now.