And still they come--and though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of America.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE MAYFLOWER]

CHAPTER XX

BOSTON

[Ill.u.s.tration: BOSTON _And Vicinity_]

In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in Ma.s.sachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and Ancestors.

Thus were established the three leading industries of Ma.s.sachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and canine).

BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.

BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A PERFECT DAY IN BOSTON]

The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as

_"The home of the Bean and the Cod_ _Where Lowells speak only to Cabots_ _And Cabots speak only to G.o.d."_

Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, but what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors?

Boston is famous for its historic a.s.sociations and landmarks which well repay a visit.

Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.

CHAPTER XXI

THE UNITED STATES

The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely surrounded by Trusts.

It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.

So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price.

To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and Financiers pa.s.sed an amendment to the Const.i.tution and Holy Writ (See I.

Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.

At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious Tobac----*

* We fail to see what this has to do with Geography.

_The Reader._

[Ill.u.s.tration: A PILGRIM LANDING]

Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE ORIGINAL STRAPHANGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.

A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.

The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of the fashions for future use.

The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Prohibition Chemists after a careful a.n.a.lysis having discovered no perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.

In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Sc.r.a.pers.

Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Sc.r.a.pers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, sc.r.a.ping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once popular favourite.

People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.

The Capitol of the United States is Washington--named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.

New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.