Jax texts me.

A cautious 'h.e.l.lo'. An exchange of pleasantries.

I appreciate his attempt to be neutral and not push himself on me by turning up on my doorstep. I doubt he'd be brave enough since I'm living with Bryn still.

I agree, and offer to chat to him after the gig tonight. He's clever. If he wants to show me the changes he's made to rock star Jax, this is his chance. Tonight is the culmination of my last six-week's work, and a moment for him to shine and remind me of the man I fell in love with.

A local radio station announced the surprise gig this afternoon. Fans were given the task of bringing Ruby Riot merchandise to the venue to prove themselves as fans. Next free tickets were handed out on a first come, first served basis. The response surprises even the band - the news went viral within minutes and the numbers arriving within an hour led to a throng queuing behind a long cordon. I hang around to watch the chaos, a sense of pride at how successful we've been. Many fans are left disappointed, all tickets allocated in less than two hours. A group of die-hards remain outside, intending to listen anyway. I told Riley we should've booked a bigger venue, but Riley informs me the choice was deliberate. Here, there's an intimacy between the band and audience; something special the select few have achieved.

Rumours flew that Blue Phoenix is playing too; but only Jem's here, watching over Ruby. I pa.s.s them in the hallway on the way back from the bathrooms. They're a curious couple. I expect them to be as volatile with each other as they are to the rest of the world, but they bring peace to each other. Secretly, my hope that Jax and I can try again comes from watching the Blue Phoenix couples. Commitment is possible in this mad world, if the right person comes along and compromises are made.

Unsure whether any rabid Jax fans will be part of the crowd, I tuck myself away near security at the rear of the venue. Jem joins me and I question him too over why Ruby Riot plays a place a quarter the size they usually do. Jem explains they gigged this venue in London regularly in the beginning, and is where Jem spotted them.

n.o.body pays attention to me, the chance of being up close and almost personal with Ruby Riot is a bigger draw card than if his ex-girlfriend is here. My mouth tips in amus.e.m.e.nt at the girls screaming the band members' names.

As time pa.s.ses, Will and Nate continue to grow their own fan base, which feeds their egos too. Personally, I can't tell them apart unless they have their shirts off or if I talk to one of them for a few minutes. Nate's rougher around the edges than his brother. He's a joker in public; but attempt to talk to him alone, and he's taciturn. He's stronger in his opinions than Will, who's more likely to back off from an argument. I can tell who is who when they're around girls too. Nate attracts them with his aloof nature, whilst Will prefers to laugh them into bed.

The band takes the stage and the crowd surges with a yell.

When I look over, I'm unprepared for the force of emotion slamming into me. I struggle to breathe; the stifling air in the overcrowded s.p.a.ce intensifies the shaking dizziness overcoming me. This is why I walked away last month, the extreme influence this man has over me - body, heart, and soul - changed everything and terrified me.

Jax's appearance grips the crowd with his perfect fusion of talent and presence. Sure, he strikes the pose of confidence that comes from his self-a.s.sured brilliance; but even when not engaging with the crowd, he fills the stage. The same goose b.u.mps as the first night I saw Jax perform raise along my arms.

I'm unaware of the band launching into their first track, unable to take my eyes off how the muscles in his arms move as he plays, or the way his blond hair dips into his eyes. His sensual mouth purses in concentration on his performance; and as perspiration dampens his shirt and hair, the memories of Jax naked join the desire to touch him. I would happily fight my way through the crowd to get my hands on Jax, to kiss him, and hope the force of my pa.s.sion is returned.

I laugh to myself. Oh yes, he's clever. Jax knew exactly what he was doing choosing tonight to reach out to me after two silent weeks.

The energy hums through the room as the crowd feeds the band more power. Jem stands next to me, as captivated by the band as I am. His love for Ruby is expressed by how he watches her the same way I watch Jax, face softened by a smile rarely seen on Jem Jones. I've read the world's doubts about his and Ruby's ability to parent; but if they can show their baby half the love they have for each other, the child will have more than most do in a lifetime.

Ruby Riot finish up the set with one of their older tracks, a viral song I heard in bars when I travelled last year. How does that life seem so far away when it's been a matter of months? The crowd around are on the edge of Ruby Riot's world, as I once was; but I became part of this. I still could be.

Over too soon, I share the disappointment flowing through the fans as the band leave the stage, and the crowd chants for an encore. Even though encores are part of the ritual of performance, I'm unsure Ruby will want to. The set was already shorter than the ones they played on tour with Phoenix.

I'm wrong and when the band reappears, so does the excitement spreading through the crowd.

Jax flicks his damp fringe from his eyes with a shake of his head and introduces a new song. This is the first time he's spoken, even though he's sung backing vocals, and his voice pushes further into the place inside my heart I've shut Jax out of.

Ruby joined the band a couple of years after they formed so some songs are Jax's. Occasionally, Ruby sings them all, but some nights Jax takes over. I love when he does, his singing voice as powerful as hers, pulling the audience tighter to him. This is a new one though, and I switch my focus to Ruby as the intro begins. She dips her head, focusing on the guitar, red hair spilling forwards.

Jax grips the mic stand and his smooth voice pours over the slow guitar notes.

She can't be held Wildfire burning through my world The girl with the fire in her soul When I'm with her she takes the air I breathe Scorched my world always knew she would leave The girl with the fire in her soul I reached for the love hidden in the fire Seared my heart consumed by desire The girl with the fire in her soul I just wanna catch you Be the man to match you The only one who makes me whole My girl with the fire in her soul Tears choke as the song progresses and when he pauses between verses to focus on his playing, I swallow down a growing lump in my throat. This isn't a tooth-achingly sweet ballad about a girl, but a song to suit me. There's a pa.s.sion and strength to the music, a portrait of me through his eyes. This song goes far beyond the cliche love for a girl.

Because Jax understands me.

He understands us.

The cadence steals into my heart as his words meld perfectly with the music, a melody that doesn't fit the norm. And why should we? Together we could forge our own way and ride the waves of the future side by side.

Tears escape, and for once, I don't hide the rawness of the love for Jax I hide and don't want to lose. Only Jem sees and he nods with a smile before leaning over to me. "Jax found his anchor long before any of us did. I don't think he should let you go."

Jem's words surprise me, and the reality hits home. Jax wants to share this with me, rather than walk the path of fame alone. In his song words, I heard his belief in us and a future.

The gig ends in a frenzy of fans screaming for more encores and Jax escorts a tired Ruby from stage. The four wrap their arms around each other, a rare sight as Ruby keeps herself physically apart from others. Jem disappears through the door toward the backstage the moment they exit and I remain, heart thumping with excitement and apprehension. I pull myself together and follow.

I'm barely around the corner when Jax reappears, striding back toward the stage. He halts when he sees me and when our gazes meet, the days and weeks apart fall away.

"Hey, Tegan," he says softly, gripping his open water bottle.

"You wrote me a song?" I whisper. Please let him think my damp face is perspiration and not tears.

"I always f.u.c.ked things up when we talked. I thought a song would be safer than trying to explain myself."

We share an understanding smile. "Thank you. The song is beautiful."

"Like the girl I wrote about." He pauses. "Can you see yourself the way I see you now?"

"Yes."

The small s.p.a.ce between us is a chasm I'm frightened to cross because I'm unsure what's waiting on the other side, or if I'll manage without falling. Last time I allowed myself across, I fell, landed hard and the hurt hasn't left. Neither of us reach out, but we're locked in this time and place and unable to move until we do.

"Can we talk?" Jax asks.

"I think a conversation is long overdue."

Jax swigs from his bottle. "I was heading for some fresh air to cool down. You can join me outside or wait until I come back inside?"

"I'll come with you."

We head to the rear of the venue and Jax pushes open the heavy fire exit doors. "I used to come out here and smoke."

"Gross."

"Yeah, things have changed a bit since then."

A couple of old metal chairs rest in a corner surrounded by discarded cigarette b.u.t.ts. I wrinkle my nose and rest against the wall instead.

Jax stands opposite me, the s.p.a.ce between remains uncrossed. "Sorry I never got in touch before. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I wanted to call but didn't want to upset you."

"I should've got in touch too, but I wanted a clean break. Those few days at the end of the tour were a nightmare."

"Yeah. Sorry. About all the s.h.i.t with you going away, and for hitting the guy." He pulls a face. "I learned my lesson. Maybe too late."

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"I meant what I said that night." He turns his eyes to mine. "About what I felt. Feel. Nothing's changed. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, whatever you decide to do after tonight. You never forget the first person you love, do you?" My heart stutters at his words as Jax steps closer. He touches my face. "I should've grown a pair and called you instead of living in this limbo for weeks."

I smile at his expression. "I would've called but couldn't cope with how you treated me or what you might say. I didn't think I meant enough to you."

"You don't get it, Tegan. The day I saw you in the hotel corridor in Lisbon, you blew me apart in just a few moments. Then you walked away with the pieces, and I had to fight your brother so I could get them back from you. All I wanted was for you to share some of yourself too."

"You know I did, Jax. But when I fell in love with you, my life turned into a bizarre circus. Everything became too hard."

He drops his hand and curls his fingers around mine. "Life's hard being in love?"

"Isn't it?"

He moves closer and holds my face in both hands. "Loving you is the easiest thing in my life. Or it was until things became complicated. In the midst of the chaos around those few weeks I had you."

For the first time in weeks, Jax's mouth is close to mine. The salty scent from his performance melds with his soap; the familiar scent of the man I fell in love with. I swallow, staring at his mouth. My body will override everything; the pa.s.sion between us was always at the fore.

"You hurt me," I whisper. "I -" Jax interrupts as his lips meet mine. I grab his hands as they close over my cheeks, expecting him to overwhelm me, but Jax kisses softly, the way he did the first time. The days drop away as if we last shared ourselves yesterday.

Jax rests his forehead on mine, heat radiating from his skin and for a moment, we don't speak. Music inside the venue thuds through the half-open door; but out here, we're away from everything, watched only by the stars fighting through the clouds.

"I love you. We can fix this," he murmurs.

My aching heart explodes into need, and I thread my fingers into Jax's hair. I crash my mouth on his, and kiss him the way I want to. Hot. Hard. Completely. The heat combusts between us, fuelled by the pa.s.sion that connects our souls. I wrap myself against his hard body, craving his taste and touch. Jax kisses along my neck and rests his lips against my pulse point before moving back to my mouth. I untangle my hands from Jax's hair and push them beneath his shirt, gripping the hard muscles of his back.

"I love you," I whisper against his mouth. "I want us."

His warm breath strokes my skin as he brushes hair from my face. "Are you still leaving?"

I frown at his sudden shift in conversation. Are we back to square one? "I haven't decided. Tina needs to know by the end of the week."

Jax is quiet for a moment. "I don't care if you go to New York. Go to the moon if you want but however far you are, you'll have a part of me with you. If you want me."

"I don't want anybody else but you, but I need to be me. You can have me, but you can't have every part."

"I want you to be you, too. You're b.l.o.o.d.y incredible, Tegan Hughes."

I smile. "I know, that's how I caught Jax Lewis."

He takes my hands. "I mean it. Live your life. I'll live mine. Together. We can fight to control what we want, but not each other."

"But can we?"

"If we believe in ourselves, me and you can do anything. Isn't that why we fit?"

"We need to take one step at a time. I can't throw myself back into your crazy."

"Sure, however fast or slow you want but as long as we're together. Screw the rest of them. We'll show the world they're wrong about us."

Jax wraps me in his arms and holds me close. We're encircled by the love we've tried to prevent overwhelming us. The future that terrifies us both is a possibility, if we allow ourselves the challenge and admit this is worth fighting for.

46.

ONE MONTH LATER.

TEGAN.

I don't take the position in New York. Not because of Jax, but because I won't leave Bryn with the impression he can take over my life. When I find a permanent job, wherever in the world it is, I will do so on my merits. My first ever PR and marketing campaign came to fruition and my name is attached. People are interested in Tegan Hughes. Not because Tegan Hughes is Bryn Hughes's sister and in a relationship with Jax Lewis, but because she has ideas and talent.

To be honest, staying in London and building on this is in my interests. I can become known in the industry circle here, watch and learn. I tell Jax that one day I'll have my own PR firm, and he believes my grandiose plan made after five minutes working in the industry. Next, I tell him I'd go into partnership with Riley one day and laughed at the horror on his face. Then he kissed me and said whatever I did, wherever I went, I'd be awesome, and he'd be honoured to be part of my life. I think he was only half taking the p.i.s.s there.

Ruby Riot is finishing the alb.u.m for release in October, Jax grumbling about the delay. Jax's view of Ruby's imminent parenthood remains poor, but he has to accept this. I move out of Bryn's and into Jax's place, initially to p.i.s.s off my interfering brother, and later because I want to be close to Jax. Okay, a large part of the reason I stay in London is Jax. I love him. The spoilt kid Jax emerges occasionally, but I'm as guilty of immature behaviour sometimes. We clash, always will, both of us wanting the upper hand, but working things out in bed adds fun to the situation. He now accepts that even if the rest of the world falls at his feet and does as he says, I won't.

The guy has a big heart and he's given that to me. We have a long way to go, but the connection between us runs deeper than the everyday. I don't want to wake up one day and regret I never took a chance on Jax. Up front and honest, we've never tried to hide our true selves from each other. Some people never achieve this, even after years together. Yes, we have a lot of work ahead and challenges will be thrown our way, but we belong together.

Besides, our stubbornness is also a plus. The world wants Tegan and Jax to fail? Well, screw them. Not going to happen.

JAX.

Tegan's laptop is open on the desk in my room, and a travel website covering the US displays on the screen. The familiar lurch in my stomach hits.

Is she leaving? Tegan said she wouldn't. I promised her I wouldn't freak out if she changed her mind and swallow down the fear she's leaving.

I sit on the edge of the bed in my old student house, staring out of the window at the grey sky. The cracked plaster and tatty curtains are a world away from my life a couple of months ago, but the best part of that time is still with me. Or I hope she is.

My nights out don't end in semi-consciousness anymore. A couple of years living my life like that is hard to kick and the temptation will always be there; but when Tegan made it clear she could accept me and my lifestyle, but not this aspect, I make changes.

Once Tegan's and my relationship was on again, similar press frenzy hit for a few weeks until the interest tailed off. The trolls keep on, dissecting Tegan's choice of clothes, hairstyle, whether she has cellulite or bad skin. Bulls.h.i.t we gradually learn to deal with.

Tegan and me are rarely seen anywhere interesting or controversial, but there's occasional photographers following if we're together. Seriously, they followed us to the supermarket. Twice. At one point in our shopping trip, Tegan got p.i.s.sed off with the scrutiny and stopped a young guy following us with a camera to ask which brand of condoms he thought were best. I was horrified; but when the pictures. .h.i.t with her waving boxes of condoms around, Tegan giggled for five minutes. This is one of the reasons I love my free-spirited girl. She won't take bulls.h.i.t from anybody, including me and that's what I need. I understand now that if I make any attempt to constrain Tegan I'll lose her permanently. I learn to trust myself - and her. To believe in us.

I've enough saved to tide me over until uni starts again in September - if I go back - and come October Ruby Riot is heading up again. I reckon I can cope with a few months. Poor Will and Nate have to go back, their savings skills are poor and parents not as wealthy as mine. I don't know, can't see the point when I'm not going to use my degree. But work... not appealing.

Tegan appears from the bathroom, a blue towel wrapped around her body stopping short of her knees, damp hair brushed from her face. This girl. My girl. Beautiful beyond words.

She furrows her brow and walks over to the desk, and closes the laptop. Anxiety spikes as she perches next to me on my bed. Is Tegan hiding something?

"You okay?" she asks.

"Mmm." Her towel could easily be removed. I can distract myself with one of our favourite activities. Tegan smacks my hand as I reach for the knot.

"I have to work today."