The last night of the tour, and I stand at the top of the stadium, the band on stage barely visible in this stomach-lurching height of the upper tier seats. Instead, I watch Ruby Riot on the screens spanning the front of the arena. I'm not crammed into the crowds at the front as I was the first time I watched Ruby Riot, but the electric atmosphere pulls me in the same way.

Two days have pa.s.sed since I spoke to Jax, and seeing the man I fell in love with broadcast larger than life on screen and screamed at by his fans is surreal. How did I ever think Jax could be mine? I tried not to let him under my skin; but what happened is worse than that, I let him into my heart. The show sold out months ago and the only seats I could negotiate for my new work friends are high up in the stalls. The girls don't seem to care as long as they get to the party later.

Watching Jax is too hard; excusing myself, I head out of the door.

One or two people mill about in groups, drinking from plastic cups in the high ceilinged bar area as they wait for Blue Phoenix. Jax's attraction doesn't hit everybody, if they're not interested in watching Ruby Riot. I order a beer of my own and sit on a bench in a corner. One or two people glance at me and whisper, but n.o.body approaches. At least I'll avoid scrutiny now Jax and me are over.

Julian appears, approaches, and sits next to me. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah, I've watched them play a lot over the last few weeks. Same old." I indicate the door. "I'm fine, go back inside."

Julian bites his lip and I know what he's thinking. Total lie. "You're coming to the after party though?"

"Probably not."

"Because of Jax?"

I frown. "No."

"Come on, you sorted me and the girls backstage pa.s.ses. I want you to introduce me to your brother."

"I don't know..."

Julian leans in and whispers, "I'll admit I'm a total fanboy and only want you to introduce me to Blue Phoenix."

I give him a half-smile as he nudges me in the ribs with his elbow "Maybe, I'll take you, but you'd better make it worth my while!" I reply.

"I shall entertain you with my sparkling wit. Or, failing that, I'll embarra.s.s you with my mad dancing skills." He launches into a demonstration of obscure dance moves which are out of rhythm with the strains of a Ruby Riot track coming from the stadium "You're funny."

"Life's too short for serious." He arches a brow.

Julian's phrase hits. Isn't that how I live my life? Hiding from the serious and running from the pressures of adulthood, an adulthood now snapping at my heels with decisions to be made about my future. Jax is a blip. He brought too much serious, and the hurt I always knew he would.

Screw him for ruining my happiness.

"You know what? You're right. What the h.e.l.l, I'll come along."

A grin crosses his face. "I knew I'd persuade you. Come on, we'll have a beer or two until Phoenix are onstage. Afterwards you can introduce me to them all at the party."

As Julian heads to the bar, I look at the floor. I may have been away from the tour for a few dates, but I'm here at the end, and I'll see this through.

We arrive as a group - Julian, the girls from work, and me - the girls already angling for introductions to my brother and the band. I warn them that the Blue Phoenix girls are here too; Zoe is a Dylan fan and her face visibly falls. I fight a smile and share a knowing look with Julian. Julian holds his cheek with both hands and mouths 'ohmiG.o.d rock stars' and I push him, with a shush.

"My idols, Tegan. Loved them for years!" he says and winks.

"Oh, I see, just using me to get to the band?" I put my hands on my hips.

"Totally!"

The event is reminiscent of the eventful night in Lisbon when Jax was still a possibility, and my night ended in disaster. Different venue, different security, but a lot of people I recognise. I can't help but be amused by Julian's wide-eyed, star struck persona taking over his usual self-a.s.sured cool guy. Maybe he isn't lying about his hero worship. My friends aren't the only one, there're plenty of wide-eyed, flushed-faced people hurrying through the doors, chatting excitedly. And this is before any of them have met the band.

"Dude!" shouts a voice. Will appears and drapes an arm across a similar looking guy's shoulder, welcoming him with loud exclamations about the debauched night he promises them. Of course, Jax told me the other day that half of their Oxford friends are coming tonight.

Nate appears too and judging by the raucousness of his behaviour, and through weeks of watching the behaviour, the twins have been drinking since Ruby Riot left the stage three hours ago.

Awesome. Drunk Jax. Just what I need.

Zoe and Claire hang back to chat to an overly interested Will, as I walk through the double doors into the large, carpeted function room. Julian halts. Blue Phoenix and girls are the centre of attention, despite spread out in a corner at the far end of the room. "I guess you want me to introduce you?"

"Well, I was half-joking, but if you insist..."

We approach the group and as I glance from couple to couple, my heart twinges at the loved up group in front of me. Especially Bryn, he can't take his eyes off Avery. I'm happy for him. He's definitely more pleasant to be around these days.

Bryn studies my forehead my. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Honestly."

I do not want this conversation with my brother again; especially as when I told him I'd split with Jax, his reaction was predictable. I only just managed to persuade Bryn not to hunt Jax down, joking that he'd p.i.s.s PR off if he messed up Jax's features. I'm switched off from how I feel which makes it easier to lie to those around me. The fact Jax is here somewhere and inebriated helps my disdain for him, and prevents the temptation to talk to him again.

The big test is if I see him with another girl. Since Jax is drunk and we're over, he could lapse straight into his old ways. Surely, he's mature enough to show some respect if I'm in the same place.

I scout the room as I absentmindedly introduce Julian, but can't see Jax. The place is crowded and loud, less sedate than the first party in Portugal. A waiter pa.s.ses with a tray of gla.s.ses, and Julian takes two, handing one to me. An awkward conversation between Bryn and Julian follows for a few minutes, before he relaxes and chats more.

The volume from the Ruby Riot dominated group in the corner rises, and more than one or two people cast an eye in their direction. They're crowded around one of the tables stacked with empty champagne and beer bottles. A couple of tall guys step out of the way and I catch sight of Jax. He looks over, in the weird way people do when they're aware they're being watched. He meets my eyes and flicks a look at Julian. Immature, I know, but I turn my back on Jax.

JAX.

What the f.u.c.k?

Tegan gives me s.h.i.t about other girls and arrives with another guy? And he has a man-bun. Seriously, Tegan? Looks like they're friendlier than I knew; this is the guy the fans saw her with. Tegan's not as innocent in all this as she makes out.

I scrutinise the pair for signs of touching or handholding, judging how close they stand next to each other. Nothing, but he makes her smile and laugh which is more than I've achieved recently.

I stand and Nate grabs my arm. "Leave it, man."

"I need to talk to Tegan."

"Don't make a d.i.c.k of yourself." He flourishes a hand around. "Pick up someone else. Show her you don't give a f.u.c.k."

Problem is, I do; and if Manbun so much as brushes her skin, I'm going to lose my s.h.i.t. I pick up my beer and debate whether to talk to her.

Maybe when she isn't with Bryn.

I weave through the crowds in the direction of the bar. I'll talk to Tegan later; I can't deal with this c.r.a.p right now.

After ten minutes of staring into a gla.s.s of whisky, I look up and watch people heading to and from the bar. Julian appears and I size him up. No way is this dude as good-looking as me, and what the h.e.l.l is he wearing? Maroon skinny jeans? Ugh. I bet he drinks kale juice and makes his own clothes and s.h.i.t like that. I bet he's c.r.a.p in bed.

I blink away an image of Tegan in bed with him, stomach turning at the possibility she might. Or could've already.

My drunken brain suggests I talk to him.

Julian turns his head in surprise when I mutter a h.e.l.lo.

"Oh, hey, Jax. How's things?"

"'Things' are okay. You're with Tegan."

He holds his hand out in greeting. "I'm Julian."

"Uh huh. I remember." I don't take his hand. "You touched her?"

His eyes widen at my terse tone. "What?"

"Tegan. Have you touched her?"

He rubs a brow. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Yes, you do! She's a good-looking chick, men want her. Like you."

"No, but it's not your business is it?"

Wrong move, man. "Yeah, it is. She's mine."

"Uh. Right. You do know women aren't possessions?"

"She's mine," I repeat.

"That's not what Tegan says."

None of this is helping. Julian sighs and shakes his head as he picks up two bottles of lager. "I don't want to argue with you, Jax. If you have something to say, talk to Tegan. Enjoy your night."

"d.i.c.khead," I mutter as he walks away.

He pauses, and looks back. "What?"

"You heard."

At the condescending look he gives, my fist itches to collide with his face. "Tegan's right, you really are an arrogant d.i.c.k when you're drunk, aren't you?"

Before I can respond, he walks away. Tegan said that? I knock back my gla.s.s of whisky and debate whether to walk after him. Bryn looks over with the old look; the one from the days he threatened to hurt me, if I hurt Tegan. I'm not tempting fate. I'll talk to Tegan later, and tell her what big brother has done.

TEGAN.

Julian hands me a gla.s.s. "He really is a douche, isn't he?"

"Jax?"

"Mmm. I've met enough people like him to not give a c.r.a.p though." He grins and lifts his gla.s.s. "Cheers!"

We clink gla.s.ses and my stomach growls. "I should grab something to eat before I drink much more."

"Good idea," replies my ever-watchful brother.

I roll my eyes at him and head to the long counter of buffet food. As me and Julian load plates with pasta salad, dips, and bread, I fight down the sickness that rose from seeing Jax.

Coming here was a mistake.

I stand with Julian at the end of the buffet and push a forkful of cold pasta salad into my mouth.

"Any thoughts whether you'll go to the States?" he asks, dipping Turkish bread into hummus on his plate.

"Not sure."

"You'd be mad not to! Man, I'd love the opportunity."

"Would be fun...." The temptation to leave has grown in the last couple of days. Julian's right, I'd be mad not to take the opportunity. I've never visited the States. Besides, if the trial doesn't work out I could take some travel time over there instead.

Away from London.

Away from Jax.

I eat more pasta and when I put the fork back on the plate, Julian extends a hand and wipes sauce from the corner of my mouth. "Messy!"

I freeze and stare back at him. An innocent gesture perhaps, but intimate too. I watch for him to wipe his thumb on a napkin; instead, he puts the thumb in his mouth.

Awkward.

"Julian, about coming here with you tonight..."

"Did I overstep?" I nod. "Apologies. I'm misreading signals."

"I think so."

In a blur, Julian stumbles backwards as Jax emerges from G.o.d knows where and his fist hits Julian's face. As Julian staggers backwards, a girl nearby screams and the voices in the room stop.

"OmiG.o.d, Jax!" I shout at him.

Jax sways slightly, holding his hand. "f.u.c.k that hurt."

Julian steadies himself on the edge of the buffet table and touches his cheek. "What the h.e.l.l, man?"

Immediately, Jax is in his face. "She's my girl! Hands off my girl!" he stumbles as he steps closer again.

"I'm not your girl! You made that clear the other day! How drunk are you?" I shout.