The worst part of all this is a small part of me expected Jax to proclaim his love for me again, to beg me to stay. To fight for us. To compromise.

I know Jax agrees. This is all too hard. The pa.s.sionate energy, which flows through our coming together, has built to an explosive level. The detonation of what surges between us was inevitable from the first time my lips met his. We can't contain the uncontrollable nature of what's between us because we don't have the strength yet.

The biggest, brightest life I've lived explodes with the intensity of a supernova and we're pulled into the black hole.

This is over.

41.

JAX.

I jump as somebody smacks me across the back of the head, and spin around. Will.

"What the f.u.c.k is wrong with you?" has asks. "We're playing O2! Doesn't get much better than supporting Blue Phoenix in London! Well, until we're headlining here."

"Yeah."

"So stop looking b.l.o.o.d.y miserable!" Will shoves me again and I shove him back. "Is it nerves?"

"Yeah."

He shakes his head. "Dude, get a grip. Here." He thrusts an open bottle of beer at me.

I drink, not paying attention to whatever he's saying now, as we wait in the Green Room. Will's right, I should be totally focused on tonight, and all I can think about is the fight with Tegan. When Tegan told me she might leave, I lost the plot. Couldn't cope. Didn't want the conversation. The last few months everything I've wanted has happened; everything I've demanded in my world has been given. Now what I want most has slipped away because I overreacted. And, let's face it, behaved like a big b.l.o.o.d.y kid by leaving her.

Then today. I went to talk to Tegan, but the thought of losing her overrode common sense. Again. She tried to hide them; but I saw her tears, and my heart wrenched. I hurt her. The idea I caused Tegan pain crushes me when I promised her and myself I wouldn't.

I love her. Tegan matches music as my encompa.s.sing pa.s.sion. I have no clue how to deal with this relationship s.h.i.t and my attempt to call her bluff yesterday f.u.c.king failed, of course. What the f.u.c.k do I do to fix this?

"He's got that look again."

I snap out of my daydreams. Nate's appeared, and he and Will clutch at each other dramatically. "Romeo and Juliet," sn.i.g.g.e.rs Nate. "Star-crossed lovers."

"f.u.c.k off. You do realise they die in that play?"

Will shrugs. "Who cares? What's with you and Tegan? Did you have a fight?"

I drink my beer and ignore him.

"Oh, man," groans Nate. "I knew this would happen. I hope you haven't p.i.s.sed off her brother."

"None of your business!" I snap.

"Ah, well, you can forget about everything tonight. Play, get wasted, and find someone else," replies Nate.

"You really don't get it, do you? I don't want anyone else."

Will clutches his chest with mock dramatics. "That's beautiful! Young love."

"What's she got?" asks Nate, helping himself to yet another beer. "Some awesome s.e.x moves keep you going back for more?"

I narrow my eyes. "We're more than that."

"Not just because she's a good f.u.c.k?"

In an instant, I'm over at Nate, slamming him against the wall. "Don't you ever talk about Tegan like that!"

"Whoa, Jax!" says Will from behind.

Nate looks back at me in surprise and grabs my hand where I'm clinging onto his shirt, pushing it away. "Calm down, man. How was I to know you'd turned into such a p.u.s.s.y?"

I shove him in the chest and step back. "Just because you can't treat a chick properly, doesn't mean we all have to!"

"Yeah? You forgotten three months ago? You were worse than me, you a.r.s.ehole!"

"Maybe I decided to stop being an a.r.s.ehole to women!"

"Very n.o.ble of you," he scoffs. "You'll be married with a f.u.c.king baby next. The band has no hope!"

The door opens and Ruby heads in. The tension enters with her; she's often stressed before a gig and tonight's a big one. At least she's looking better than a few months ago. Tonight she's wearing a loose grey top over her short skirt reflecting Ruby's self-consciousness over her body changing.

She halts and her eyes dart between us. "What the h.e.l.l's going on?"

"Nothing," I mutter.

"Then why do you look like you're about to kill each other?" Ruby gestures between Nate and me.

"It's fine. Don't worry," says Nate, looking straight at me. "Will, let's go."

I loosen my hand on Nate's shirt and we stand head to head. His words p.i.s.sed me off more than anything he's said before. He might want to belittle the girls he hooks up with; but if he tries to cheapen Tegan, I swear I'll hit him f.u.c.king hard. What p.i.s.ses me off further is the disinterest in his eyes.

d.i.c.khead.

When I step back, he shrugs his shirt back into place. Will glances over his shoulder as they walk out of the door, and pulls a confused face. I watch them go, heart still thumping anger through my already wired body.

Ruby tips her head at the door. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Tegan?"

"No."

"Uh huh." Ruby wrinkles her nose. "Liar." She sits on the leather sofa and pats the seat next to her. "I'm stressed about this gig. Talk to me, distract me."

I flop next to Ruby and, between swigs of beer, tell her the story about Tegan leaving. Ruby listens with a puckered brow, eyes searching mine as I speak. I end the story by draining my bottle.

"Yeah, I heard about that," she says.

"What do you mean?"

Ruby tugs the corner of her lip into her mouth. "If I tell you this, don't say where you heard it."

"What?" I straighten.

"I heard Bryn talking to Jem, telling him Tegan wouldn't be around much longer because he'd found her something else to do. Jem's noticed how much you're drinking, and he's not happy, would rather Tegan stayed around because she's a good influence on you."

I ignore the loaded comment about drinking. "Bryn? He found her something..." Realisation hits. "Bryn found her the job? What the f.u.c.k?"

"Well, I doubt he can give her the job, but -"

"But he has a lot of influence! b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" I jump up and head to the door; Ruby stands, and puts her hand over where mine holds the handle.

"You don't know this for definite."

"I'm gonna talk to Tina. Or Riley. He can't make Tegan's decisions for her!"

Ruby arches a brow. "Neither can you."

"If Tegan knew, she'd be f.u.c.king furious!"

I search the rooms backstage until I locate Riley. She's hovering at the edge of the hallway, talking to somebody on the phone in hushed tones.

"Riley!" I stomp towards her and she looks over in surprise.

"Do you mind? I'm on the phone here!" she snaps.

"Sorry..."

I step back, but she mutters something before hanging up. "What do you want, Jax?"

For a moment, I stare at her reddened eyes. Has she been crying? "You okay?"

"Fine. What's wrong?"

"Tegan. She told me she has a job offer in the States."

Riley pushes her phone into her pocket. "Yeah. Lucky Tegan. I heard about your grand entrance at the office the other day."

"Why didn't they offer the job to you? You have more experience."

"I have no interest in going overseas."

"Does Bryn have something to do with this job?"

Riley scratches her cheek as she studies me. "I think her brother gives Tegan an advantage, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean has he arranged this for her. Ruby thinks he has."

"Who knows? Maybe. I know a couple of the girls are p.i.s.sed off she's been offered the role when she's been there five minutes."

"f.u.c.k! I knew it! Why can't he keep out of my f.u.c.king life?"

"Whoa. Jax. I'd calm down if I were you."

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and exhale slowly. When I open them, Riley is looking at me in alarm. "You don't know this is true. She really is good at what she does. You should be proud."

Her words sting. Tegan tells me something big she's achieved, and I storm off like a child and end our relationship. I didn't intend to, thought if I gave her an ultimatum, she'd change her mind. Dumba.s.s. Like that's ever going to work with a girl like Tegan. "Yeah. I'll talk to her later."

"We're coming to the after party later, you can talk to her then."

"We?"

"Me and some of the London office. They've worked hard on the tour, but not had a chance to celebrate yet."

"So Tegan will be there?"

"I expect so. Why? You two had an argument?"

I ignore her. She's the last person I'm talking to about us. "Where're Will and Nate?"

"No idea. Last I saw, they were heading to the stage door. What's with you all tonight? They were more obnoxious than usual too." She pauses. "Have you and Tegan fallen out?"

"Why would you care?"

"Forget it. See you tonight." Riley pushes past me and heads away. Wow, we were almost nice to each other for a few minutes there.

But, Bryn? What the h.e.l.l. Wait until I tell Tegan she was only offered the job because of her brother.

42.

TEGAN.