Giggling, Tegan rubs her nose against my neck and kisses. "You're pretty d.a.m.n awesome yourself."

This is the point I could tell Tegan I'm falling for her, and hard. I've held the words in check because this is too soon. Intense. Scary. I'm a stupid b.a.s.t.a.r.d because this could be what Tegan needs to hear and I can't tell her.

Why? Because if the admission is a world away from how she feels, Tegan might walk away for good.

29.

TEGAN.

Two days in Wales and my rash decision to leave the tour hits home. Returning to Phoebe's place in London wasn't the best option, considering how easily I'd be tracked down, so I returned to Mum and Dad's. The converted farmhouse in the Pembrokeshire countryside, which Bryn bought them, is big and gated. Not big security gates but fences tall and secure enough to stop the dogs running out. The three Labradors my mum dotes on enjoy standing at the gates; the chances of anybody sneaking through are slim. I wouldn't want to come face to face with barking dogs and neither would the press.

So, yeah, I'm stuck at home for the first couple of days, which isn't a whole lot different to being trapped in a hotel.

Social media speculation hit the evening after I left Vienna. A picture of me arriving at Heathrow on my own soon appears online, next to pictures of Jax out partying with Will and Nate. When I study the shots, I'm annoyed by the misrepresentation - these were clearly taken in the club in Portugal. Two days later, images of a different place and different girls surface, and I intently study the pictures gauging the girls' proximity to Jax. How can I tell if these are recent? If they are, the press doesn't have the picture they want. Jax isn't touching any of the girls.

A Skype session with Jax is my ritual each night, I wait up until I hear from him. The time difference helps and he normally calls when he's offstage - before he starts drinking, I suspect. After this, I can head to bed happy he's thinking of me and hoping thoughts of us stay with him when he goes out.

The amount I miss Jax surprises me. I'm used to being around him, spent more time alone with him than with any guy in the past; and since we parted, there's a s.p.a.ce left I never realised he filled. Not just my empty bed where I lie and crave his arms around me, but his presence. Without Jax, there's a piece of myself missing I left with him, a hollow feeling that grows as the days pa.s.s. I never missed Scott in this way, even after we spent weeks apart.

Staying inside and dwelling on this doesn't help. I escape and drive into town. I wish he was with me and we could do ordinary things together. Would life ever contain anything ordinary with Jax?

Mum was relieved when I arrived home, but she always is. I'm her baby, the child she frets about most. Unfortunately, I'm also the one who endangers herself most. Even before my sisters settled down with kids and husbands, none of them was as adventurous as me. I see their domesticity and it doesn't appeal. At all.

As predicted by Tina, and to my surprise, the press do back off. The social media barrage doesn't and somebody leaks - or is paid for - pictures of me. The unflattering shots from school days are bad enough, but one b.a.s.t.a.r.d who I met in Thailand when travelling, sells pictures of me. The worst of those is one of me on a beach in a bikini, suffering a wardrobe malfunction after being caught in the waves.

Yes, the whole world has now seen my t.i.ts.

When the bikini picture hit the internet, Mum lost her s.h.i.t and there were heated exchanges with Bryn on the phone. I have no idea what she expected him to do; once a picture is on the internet, it's there for life. I'm f.u.c.king furious; and if I had a way of getting hold of Ryan, I'd have him by the b.a.l.l.s.

End result: I'm not much better off in Wales because I'm still under self-imposed siege but without Jax.

30.

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS.

JAX.

Last time I came to Amsterdam with the boys it was a disaster. Or one of the best weekends of my life, however you want to look at the resulting chaos. Chances of a repeat performance? Highly likely.

We sit outside, in the secluded grounds of the Amsterdam hotel, indulging in the first of what will undoubtedly be many drinks, beneath an umbrella in the March spring sunshine. I tap my fingers on the table as Will and Nate devour their chips and mayonnaise. Yeah, mayonnaise. Who the h.e.l.l puts mayo on their chips?

I yawn and pick up my beer. Now the excitement has subsided and we're back to the everyday grind; all this is no different from small tours in the UK. Sure, the transport and accommodation is a lot more luxurious, the venues and money better, but gigging is hard work. Arrive somewhere new, set up, play, relax for an evening or two - or get wasted - and move on.

Will licks mayo from his lips. "How you feeling about this evening? TV spot!"

I grimace. "We're only performing, right? No interview."

"Dunno. Nate?"

Nate shrugs and pokes at his food. "Dutch talk show. Reckon they'll speak English?"

"I don't know any f.u.c.king Dutch so they better had!" retorts Will.

"Grumpy b.a.s.t.a.r.ds," replies Nate. "This is our first time on TV. This is huge!"

"It's not the States or UK, doesn't count," I reply.

Will laughs. "Oooh, listen to you, Mr. Big Shot! A year ago n.o.body knew who the h.e.l.l you were."

"Yeah, now it f.u.c.ks things up because they do."

Will glances at Nate. "Is this sulking because the delectable Tegan f.u.c.ked off back to Wales?"

"No," I lie. "Just other s.h.i.t. Tour stuff."

"Is Tegan coming back or are you guys done?" asks Will.

Three days apart and the ache in my chest from her absence grows. "Next week."

"Then back on the leash? Good thing she's away now we're in Amsterdam!" he replies.

I tense at Will's words. "Makes no difference, she'd be cool with me going out."

Will and Nate glance at each other and smirk. "Sure she would."

Ruby Riot blend into Amsterdam, the city more chilled about famous visitors than previous tour stops. Blue Phoenix are absent from our night. I asked Liam if he wanted to come out with us, but he declined. No way would I ask Bryn. Dylan is back in the UK for a night and Jem... well, I doubt he wants to be around the Amsterdam scene. Ruby stays with him, as usual.

We attract some attention and pick up extra companions but, by selecting the more exclusive places, we avoid too much ha.s.sle from fans early on. It's still the afternoon; things could always change.

Several beers later, and following an indulgence in what the Amsterdam style 'coffee shop' offer, I drag my phone out and squint at the screen. I should call Tegan; I might not find a chance later. I can't Skype later tonight. I know what she thinks about drugs and speaking to her stoned won't be a good move. A large group sits around me and the twins, laughing and joking in the smoky cafe. The sickly smell of weed permeates the room and subdues the atmosphere.

"Hey, Tegan!" I enthuse when she answers.

"Jax? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You sound drunk." She pauses. "Or something."

"Oh." I temper my exuberance. "Guess where I am?"

"Amsterdam."

"I'm gonna be on TV!"

A sigh comes as a response. "Yes, you told me yesterday."

"How cool is that? You gonna watch?"

"I won't be able to see the show, I'm in England."

"Ah. Yeah. But someone will share online, right."

"Mmm."

Tegan's voice is faint amongst the hubbub around and I move closer to Will and Nate who've lapsed into silence. "I saw the pictures of you. You all right?" I ask her.

"Which ones? Recent?"

I giggle. "Tegan Hughes needing retail therapy to recover from her break-up with hot property Jax Lewis. You were walking down a street with a lot of shopping bags."

"Oh. That. Yeah, testing the water by going into the city. I can't believe the press is still following me."

"You looked p.i.s.sed off in the photos. Missing me?"

Tegan gives a short laugh. "You mean my resting b.i.t.c.h face? You should recognise that by now."

I huff. "You're not missing me?"

"Are you missing me?"

"Yeah."

"That was moving and heartfelt, thank you," she replies, voice loaded with sarcasm.

"Sorry, you're right, I'm drunk. I miss your sweet lips, your cute a.s.s, your tight, hot..."

"Jaxon!"

A loud snort of laughter comes from Will, who has his chin on my shoulder, eavesdropping. "Please! You're damaging my delicate ears!"

I shove him with my elbow.

"Will you be around later?" she asks.

"Busy night. I'll call tomorrow morning." Unlikely. "Uh. Maybe the afternoon."

Tegan's quiet for a few moments. "Jax. Don't let me down."

"I won't, I promise. You know me. I'll end up asleep in a corner somewhere."

"It's what he's done the last few times!" calls Will. "We'll look after him, Tegan!"

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about," she mutters. "Talk to you tomorrow."

"Night."

There's a long pause. "I miss you. Can't wait to see you in Oslo."

"With your resting b.i.t.c.h face?"

She giggles. "Yeah, especially for you. Night, rock star. I miss you."

"Night. Miss you." I wait for Tegan to reply, but she ends the call.

Huh. I shove the phone into my pocket and pick up my beer. Will stares at me. "What?" I ask.

"Don't you tell her you love her?" he asks.

"What?"

"Tegan. Chicks expect that."

"She's cool. I doubt she expects anything like that."

"You don't love her?" He clutches his chest. "Man, I thought this was a beautiful thing between you."

I swill the beer around my gla.s.s before draining it. Will continues to look expectant, amus.e.m.e.nt curling his lips. "Excuse me?" I ask. "Since when did we talk about feelings and s.h.i.t?"

He shrugs. "Just thought you must 'cause she changed you."

"She hasn't," I snap.

Will laughs and makes a whip sound and action.

"I am not p.u.s.s.y whipped! f.u.c.k off!"

"Prove it."

"How? I'm not s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g other chicks." I grasp for a reason. "I told her I wouldn't, and if Bryn got a sniff of me even touching another girl..."