"What the h.e.l.l?" he says, voice hardly audible. "Riley..."

I lift my chin. "I fell in love with you. Well done. You won."

Nate's expression softens. "This isn't a game, Riley."

"It's been one long, nasty, heart-breaking game, Nate. I need you to walk away and let me deal with my stupidity."

Nate pulls himself away from the table, and the opposite of what I want happens as Nate steps closer. "Why? Why would you feel that?"

"I don't b.l.o.o.d.y know! How can I explain how much I suddenly want somebody else? All I know is that when I lost you this time, it hurt a h.e.l.l of a lot more than before. Than anybody before."

This Nate I hate almost as much as the rude one. The one with a neutral, deep browed look that could disguise any number of the emotions he hides himself from. He doesn't move any closer and each silent second pa.s.sing intensifies the embarra.s.sed regret.

I told Nate I love him.

In this room, together, the world blurs. What the h.e.l.l, I may as well go all out here. "I know you feel something too, Nate. I don't know what, but something."

"Yeah."

"OhmiG.o.d!" I yell and push him in the chest once, twice.

Nate catches my arms, the way he did in the bedroom in the pub and grips so I can't attack him anymore. "Yeah, I feel something, Riley, and it f.u.c.king terrifies me." We breathe heavily, in sync, and the secret this man keeps contained breaks across his face. "s.h.i.t! Why do you do this to me?"

"Do what?"

"Make me feel for you. I know you think I'm an immature, possessive jerk, but this is more than that. This is about you. All of this is about how I feel around you. The whole f.u.c.king world is on fire, Riley, and I'm suffocating. I don't know what to do anymore!"

"You make it sound like I'm deliberately hurting you by caring about you. That's insane, Nate."

"Because you're making me face s.h.i.t I don't want to, or lose you. That's what hurts me."

Neither of us steps back or retreats from each other. Nate's grip remains on my arms, his fingers digging into my bare skin. I swallow. "I think you need to free yourself, Nate. By hanging on, somebody from your past dictates how you feel. You need to let go of the control this person has over you."

Nate's gaze pierces me and he slides his hands along my arms until he cups both my cheeks in his hands. "You. You burned through all that; now I feel freer than I have for years."

"No. You're stuck."

"Because I'm f.u.c.king terrified. I'm in the middle of this c.r.a.p raging around my head, and I know you can help because you showed me I was worth more. But that's what scares me too. That's what happened before. With her."

"You can't cope with the fact I have Josh. There's no point trying."

"No. I mean, yes. c.r.a.p. You're not the same, but you're still exactly the same."

"That makes no sense."

"Does any of this?" he says with a short laugh. "I watched you tonight and there's something different about you. Maybe it's because you've let go and are moving on like you said. I don't know." He pauses. "I want you, and I have to drop all this bulls.h.i.t before someone else steps in."

I can't move my face, and as he speaks, his warm breath caresses my face, drying the remaining tears. "I fell in love with that broken Nate because I thought he wanted me to fix him."

"One in a long line who've tried."

My heart lurches. Is he again telling me I'll fail? "And me?"

"Tried to stop you, over and over, but you always came back. Even when I didn't see you for two years, you'd sneak back." He chews a lip and gives a small smile. "It was like I had this stubborn little Riley camped in the corner of my heart who every now and then would stab to remind me she was there."

I laugh at his strange metaphor. "You're an odd man, Nate."

"But you still understand me, even when I push you away."

I close my fingers over his and know I don't need to tell him the next words. "Because we're the same, aren't we? Secrets stunting who we were. I finally get that now."

"But look at you. You're a step ahead of me; you told people the secret that pulled you down." The intensity moves to his fingers and he grips my cheeks.

"Nate, can you stop holding my face so hard, please? It hurts."

Nate loosens his hands and hesitantly moves his face closer, and the charged moment remains until his mouth meets mine. The kiss is hesitant, like the first, but tells me more than a single word he's said tonight. Nate's gentle kiss drags me into the flames of the fire trapping us. With Nate, I'm prepared to risk walking through because I'm sure I can come out the other side with him.

I wait for Nate's hands to explore my body, for him to lift me onto the table and follow his usual pattern, but he doesn't. When he pauses, I panic that the kiss was an end. A goodbye.

"I don't think you ever understood what kissing you means," he says.

"I do. You allow me a closeness you won't with most people." I touch his lips. "That's why I knew we were lying about keeping things casual, Nate."

"No, you didn't listen to what I told you every time I kissed you."

"That I'm different?"

"That I think I love you."

The fear dragging me down since I saw him this evening lifts, and the world blurs further into the white from last month. "What?"

He shakes his head at himself. "I think... Yeah."

I make an exasperated noise and he chews his mouth. "I do have a lot more words than yeah, but they're jumbled up in my head. Just believe how much you mean, how much I want you, and that I will try and make this work."

"And Josh?"

Nate closes his eyes. "I'll get to know him."

But there are no guarantees. That's the biggest decision I have here. But would there be guarantees with anybody?

Nate wraps me in his arms, and something unexpected happens. I forget about the event happening outside the door; I don't care what anybody needs from me because right now I'm in my safe place with Nate.

The idea we've come together and created one isn't a romantic notion about hearts finally meeting; but one of teaching each other the beauty of letting go, for swapping pain from the past to hope for the future. We met another person who recognised in the other something the same as ourselves and reached out. The risk of trusting people is shared; we're equally vulnerable, and in this situation, n.o.body has the upper hand.

Fear prevented us accepting this. The stage in our life we were at closed the door on our first attempt, but fate kept us on the edges of each other's lives until we were ready to step into a different world together.

I bury my face into Nate's chest. How far into my world can he truly step, and how long will he stay there?

39.

RILEY.

Josh refused to wear his jacket today and, dressed in a thin T-shirt, he charges through the spring cool across the lawn towards the small lake.

"Josh!" I shout. "Wait for me!"

He comes to an abrupt halt and flops onto his backside. Josh's clothes plus muddy gra.s.s. Great. I take my tenth look around in as many minutes at the families with pushchairs and couples with dogs enjoying the rain-free Sunday. Spring is my favourite season, the crocuses and daffodils emerge in the beds beneath the trees, throwing colour back into the large park. Early buds appear on the tall trees and the canopies of leaves, which shelter the park visitors in the summer, will return soon. With this freshness in the air comes the relief winter is over for another year; stuck in the house with a miserable, energetic Josh at weekends drives me nuts. Bringing Josh here affords me peace as he has fun and tires himself out, although today I don't feel very peaceful here.

I asked Josh to wait with me on the narrow wooden bench at the edge of the path; but following five minutes whacking the gra.s.s with a stick he found, his attention switched.

I fiddle with the knot on the bag of bread on my lap. Nate's late; will he come? We've met a couple of times since the night we shared more than we wanted; and however hard we tried, the words were repeated as if rea.s.suring each other. But Nate never mentioned Josh, and my heart increasingly lifted the guard back up. Until two days ago, when he announced he wanted to meet Josh.

Here I am, sitting in the large park in walking distance from the house, a regular weekend haunt since Josh could toddle, with Josh and waiting for Nate. I promised Josh we'd feed the ducks and visit the ice cream van standing in the car park nearby. I suspect he wants the duck bread feeding done with as quickly as possible so he can move onto the Josh ice cream feeding.

Josh stands again and moves closer to the water.

"Josh!" I call, tone sterner, and stride across to him. He doesn't look round and keeps walking. I grab his arm as the edge of his shoes touch the water. "I've told you not to go near water without me."

Big eyes look back to mine, as he shuffles from foot to impatient foot. "Can I have the bread now?" I raise my brow. "Please."

"In a minute, I'm waiting for a friend."

"Is Lauren coming? Is she bringing Poppy?"

I feel bad for quashing his excitement. "No, one of Mummy's friends is coming today."

Meeting Nate in the local park may not seem the best place to introduce Josh; a public scene if this is a disaster could ensue, but is there any place suitable for meeting a rock star and introducing him to your son? Following Nate and Josh's abrupt meeting at the house, I want neutral.

Josh splashes the water with his stick, harder and harder, and my stomach drops lower and lower into my boots as the minutes pa.s.s. The nearby ducks swim back and forth, antic.i.p.ating the bread.

"Okay." I open the bag of bread and with a cheer Josh drags outs a huge crust.

The ducks who've gathered closest are rewarded with a lump of bread bouncing off their heads.

Somebody behind us laughs. "I think you're supposed to break that into smaller pieces."

I turn to Nate, who offers me an apologetic look. He moves to stand next to me, hands in pockets as he and Josh make eye contact. Neither say h.e.l.lo and Josh returns to his missile attack on the ducks.

"I didn't think you were coming," I tell him. "You're almost half an hour late."

"Am I? Late night." He rubs his reddened eyes. "Plus I got lost."

I smile and look at my boots, nerves over the situation silencing me. Nate wraps an arm around my shoulders and plants a kiss on the top of my head. I turn my face to his, desperate not to see wariness in his eyes, but it's there.

He doesn't kiss me.

"Josh. I want you to meet Nate," I say.

Josh turns and chews on his mouth as he studies Nate. "I met you once."

"h.e.l.lo," says Nate.

"Who are you?"

Josh's abruptness with the unsure Nate amuses me, the ego-driven rock star silenced by my five-year-old. "I'm Nate."

Josh continues his uninterested study. "Mummy doesn't have a lot of friends. Who are you?"

"He's a good friend, Josh, and he wanted to meet you."

Josh holds the bag out in Nate's direction. "You can feed the ducks with me."

"Uh." Nate looks at me for a help, but I repress a smile. He can deal with these things himself. "Maybe later."

Josh proceeds to ignore him, but splashes harder until the muddy water hits Nate's jeans.

Nate steps back. "c.r.a.p, Riley. I don't know if this is a good idea."

"Oh."

"No. I mean I don't think he likes me."

"Nate, you've hardly spoken to him. It's fine, you don't have to be his best friend. Just spend time with us."

"Right." Nate rubs a hand across his head and the deep-browed look crosses his face. "I think I'd rather face an army of photographers than this."

"You might. You didn't exactly dress inconspicuously for the occasion." I indicate his typical dark jeans and leather jacket.

"I always wear this," he says.

I laugh. "Exactly."

"You look funny," he says. "More the girl from the snow."

I hug my jacket around myself, self-conscious of my seen-better-days jeans and walking boots. "Work suits don't match a trip to feed ducks."

Nate smooths my hair down with both hands, cupping my face in his long fingers. "I like you dressed like this."

I tiptoe to kiss him, briefly, my paranoia isn't Josh will fall in the shallow water, but that he'll decide to trudge in and reach a duck. It wouldn't be the first time. Nate rests his forehead on mine as I side glance to watch my son.