HE--Time and tide wait for no man.

SHE--No, but a woman will.

Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills, For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills.

"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."

"He did, but she dyed."

"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."

"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."

"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"

"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."

d.i.c.k--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"

TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."

What do you think of Windig?

He reminds me of a river.

What's the answer?

The biggest part of him is his mouth.

Here is a chestnut your ire arouses, So often it's brought to your minds, "People who live in gla.s.s houses"

Should always "pull down the blinds."

"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks."

"Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."

The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.

A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.

"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.

"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.

"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."

"His business? What is he?"

"A photographer."

KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?

GENT--What dogs?

KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.

GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?