ALL MOUTH AND NO HANDS' CLa.s.s.

"I hold if the Almighty had ever made a set of men that should do all the eating, and none of the work, He would have made them with mouths only and no hands, and if He had ever made another cla.s.s that He had intended should do all the work and none of the eating, He would have made them without mouths and with all hands."--(A. Lincoln.)

HOT AND COLD THE SAME BREATH.

Underlaying the innate frankness, there was a deep shrewdness in President Lincoln, which fitted him to cope with the most expert politicians, albeit their vanity would not let them always or promptly acknowledge it. When Chief Justice Taney died, the President had already planned to fill up the vacancy and at the same time shelve that thorn in his side, Salmon P. Chase. But always keeping his own counsel, he was mute on that head, when an important deputation attended to recommend Chase. After hearing the address, the President asked for the engrossed memorial to be left with him.

"I want it, in order, if I appoint Mr. Chase, I may show the friends of the other persons for whom the office is solicited, by how powerful an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged to disregard in appointing him."

This was heard with great satisfaction, and the committee were about to depart, thinking their man sure of the mark, when they perceived that the chief had not finished all he had to say.

"And," he continued, "I want the paper, also, in order that, if I should appoint any other person, I may show _his_ friends how powerful an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged to disregard in appointing _him_."

The committee departed mystified.

WANTED THE JAIL EARNINGS.

A Western senator bothered the President about a client of his for back pay of a dubious nature. Lincoln responded with one of his evasive answers--that is, "a little story":

"Years ago, when imprisonment for debt was legal, a poor fellow was sent to jail by his creditor, and compelled to serve out his debt at the rate of a dollar and a half a day.

"When the sentence had expired, he informed the jailer of the fact and asked to be released. The jailer insisted on keeping him four days longer. Upon making up his statement, however, he found that the man was right. The prisoner then demanded not only a receipt in full for his debt, but also payment for four days' extra service, amounting to six dollars, which he declared the county owed him. Now," concluded Lincoln, "I think that county would be about as likely to pay this man's claim as this government will be to pay your friend's claim for back pay."--(Told before Colonel Noteware, of Colorado, a Western senator, and a congressman.)

A t.i.tLE NO HINDRANCE.

A German n.o.ble and military officer wished to serve as volunteer under our colors. After being welcome, he thought it expedient to unfold his family roll, so to say, but the ultra-democratic ruler gently interpolated as if he saw an apology in the recital, and soothingly observed:

"Oh, never mind that! You will find _that_ no hindrance to your advance. You will be treated as fairly in spite of that!"

A TALKER WITH NOTHING TO SAY.

A reverend gentleman of prominence, M. F., of ----, was presented to the President, who resignedly had a chair placed for him, and with patient awaiting said:

"My dear sir, I am now ready to hear what you have to say."

"Why, bless you, Mr. President," stammered the other, with more apprehension than his host, "I have nothing to say. I only came to pay my respects."

"Is that all?" exclaimed the escaped victim, springing up to take the minister's two hands with gladness. "It is a relief to find a clergyman--or any other man, [Footnote: Any other man. From this frequent expression of Mr. Lincoln's, a true comedian, the "negro entertainer," Unsworth, conceived a burlesque lecture, "Or Any Other Man," with which he went around the world. The editor, pa.s.sing through London, remembers his attention being called to Mr. Gladstone and other cabinet ministers, who came to the Oxford Music-hall nightly between Parliament business, to hear Unsworth, who, on such chances, introduced personal and pat allusions to the subjects debated that night.] for that matter--who has nothing to say. I thought you had come to preach to me."

STICK TO YOUR BUSINESS.

Among the bores who a.s.sailed the President was a Western stranger who had another plan to end the war. Lincoln listened to him all the way, and then obliged him and the crowd with a story:

"You may have heard of Mr. Bounce, of Chicago? No; well, he was a gentleman of so much leisure that he had no time to do anything! This superb loafer went to a capitalist at the time of a wheat flurry, when speculators reckoned to make fortunes, and he informed Mr. Blank Check how his project would make them both terribly rich. The reply came sharp as a bear-trap: 'My advice is that you stick to your business!'

"'But I have no business--I am a gentleman.'

"'Whatever that is, I advise you to stick to that!'

"And now, my friend," proceeded the President, "I mean nothing offensive, for I know you mean well--but I think you had better stick to your business and leave the war-threshing to those who have the responsibility."

MARRYING A MAN WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.

Major Hoxsey, Excelsior (N. Y.) Brigade, wounded in the Fighting Joe Hooker division, could not accept a commission in the army, but wished to be put upon the staff of the volunteers, as he could not walk. He was upheld in his desire by Adjutant-general Hamlin, who accompanied him to the President. They were both asked to sit while the authority consulted the Congressional laws. Staff appointments could not be heard by the President unless the general commanding the desired rank was approving.

"I have no more power to appoint you without that request," said the President, "than I would have to marry a woman to any man she might desire for a husband without his consent!"--(By General Charles Hamlin.)

"A LUXURY TO SEE ONE WHO WANTS NOTHING."

Senator Depew was secretary of New York State in 1864, under Governor Seymour. He had to wait upon President Lincoln, reelected, to harmonize the calls for men, as his State was split on the accusation that the draft favored one party above the other. His official business finished, Secretary Depew called to bid farewell. Lincoln was not holding a reception, but sitting in that study accessible to the public, that never was a public man's sanctum before--or after. He was intruded upon all the time, as he let the door remain wide open. (Old New Yorkers may recall P. T. Barnum, the showman's, similar habit.) Every now and then some pet.i.tioners would make a desperate rush in and, on seeing they were not repelled by order or by the ushers' own initiative, others would be emboldened to do the same. The New Yorker no sooner took this cue than the besieged man perceived him.

"h.e.l.lo, Depew! what do you want?" was his hail.

"Nothing, Mr. President, save to pay my respects to you, as I am going home."

"Stay! it is such a luxury to see any one who does not want anything!"