"NOT MUCH OF A HEAD, BUT HIS ONLY ONE!"

Although the life of a soldier sleeping on post was at stake, the pleader wished to forbear on finding that the supreme decider, the President, meant to make a personal matter of it. He suspended the execution while looking into it. But it was objected that this was a burden not intended to impose.

"Never mind," Lincoln answered. "This soldier's life is as valuable to him as any person's in the land. It reminds me of the old Scotch woman's saying about her laird going to be beheaded for partic.i.p.ation in a Jacobite rebellion:

"'It waur na mickle of a head, but it is the only head the puir body ha' got.'"--(a.s.sured, in substance, by L. E. Chittenden.)

"GI'E US A GOOD CONCEIT!"

A place-hunter hastened to his old acquaintance, Lincoln, when he was seated, of course, to secure a trough. But he aimed high--in contrast to Lincoln's adage that a novice should aim low! The least he named was the berth of master of the mint.

"Good gracious!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the chief. "Why did he not ask to be secretary of the treasury and have done with it?" Reflecting, he observed: "Well, now, I never thought that lank had anything more than average ability when we were youngsters together. But, then, I suppose, he thought the same thing about me, and yet--here I am!"

THEY WENT AWAY SICKER STILL.

A party were pressing the claims of a solicitor for a consulship; his particular plea that his health would be benefited by residence on these Fortunate Islands. The Lord Bountiful terminated the interview by lightly saying:

"Gentlemen, I am sorry to say that there are eight other applicants for the place--and all of them are sicker than your client!"

OF TWENTY APPLICANTS, NINETEEN ARE MADE ENEMIES.

Hampered, hara.s.sed, and hounded by office-seekers, the President once opened his confidence on this irritating point to a conscientious public officer. He wished the senators and others would start and stimulate public sentiment toward changes in public offices being made on good and sufficient cause--that is, plainly, never on party considerations. The ideal civil service, in a word. Nine-tenths of his vexations were due to seekers of sinecures.

"It seems to me that such visitors dart at me and, with finger and thumb, carry off a portion of my vitality," was his saying.

His hearer laughed at the image, but the other pursued earnestly:

"I have made up my mind to make very few changes in the offices in my gift for my second term. I think, now, that I shall not move a single man, except for delinquency. To remove a man is very easy, but when I go to fill his place, there are twenty applicants, and of these I must make nineteen enemies."--(Authenticated by Senator Clark, of New Hampshire, to whom the confidence was imparted.) [Footnote: Secretary Blaine, out of his similar experience, reiterated the sentiment thus: "When I choose one out of ten applicants to fill an office, I find that nine have become my enemies and one is an ingrate."]

RID OF AN OFFICE-SEEKER.

"There was an ignorant man," said a senator, "who once applied to Lincoln for the post of doorkeeper to the House. This man had no right to ask Lincoln for anything. It was necessary to repulse him.

But Lincoln repulsed him gently and whimsically without hurting his feelings, in this way:

"'So you want to be doorkeeper to the House, eh?'

"'Yes, Mr. President.'

"'Well, have you ever been a doorkeeper? Have you ever had any experience of doorkeeping?'

"'Well, no--no actual experience, sir.'

"'Any theoretical experience? Any instructions in the duties and ethics of doorkeeping?'

"'Umh--no.'

"'Have you ever attended lectures on doorkeeping?'

"'No, sir.'

'"Have you read any text-book on the subject?'

"'No.'

"'Have you conversed with any one who has read such a book?'

"'No, sir. I'm afraid not, sir.'

"'Well, then, my friend, don't you see that you haven't a single qualification for this important post?' said Lincoln, in a reproachful tone.

"'Yes, I do,' said the applicant, and he took leave humbly, almost gratefully."--(Chicago _Record-Herald_.)

NOT GOOD OFFICES, BUT A GOOD STORY.

When Washington and its chief guardians were more sorely besieged by office-seekers than by the Confederates, a politician locally important and generally importunate was sent as a "committee of one"

to headquarters to secure the loaves and fishes for his congeries.

But in about a fortnight this forager came home, full of emptiness.

Asked if he had not seen the President--accounted commonly as only too accessible--and why he did not get the places, he replied glumly, yet with a tinge of brightening:

"Yes, I saw the old man. He heard me state my errand, the President did. He heard me patiently all right enough; and then he said: 'I am sorry not to have any good offices for you, but--I can give you something--a good story!'

"And he went on with--

"'Once there was a certain king who kept an astrologer to forewarn him of coming events, and especially to tell him whether it was going to rain when he wished to go on hunting expeditions. One day he had started for the forest with his train of lords and ladies, when he met a farmer.

"'"Good morning, farmer," said the king.