The Dirty-neck Policeman he jes' grabs you, And if he finds your neck's not clean and white, He carries you away in spite of begging, And keeps you from your mother all that night!

Next day his ugly wife gets soap and water, And scrubs you with a great big curry-comb; And if you cry she fills your mouth with soap-suds, Till you promise you will keep clean when you get home.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The Black-hand Man keeps hidin' 'round the corner, A-lookin' at your knuckles and your nails; And if they're dirty he jes' rushes at you And grabs you with a hook--he never fails!

And then he sits down on you when he's caught you, Sandpapers you until you're bleedin', My!

And he jes' laughs and chuckles while he's working, And rubs you all the harder if you cry!

So it's best to keep quite clean, or you'll be sorry; You never know just when you may get caught; The Dirty-neck Policeman's mighty watchful, And the Black-hand Man's a-hidin' 'round a lot!

Do You Believe in Santa Claus?

"Aw, youse kids make me orful tired, Talkin' 'bout Sandy Claws!

Huh! Don'tcher know he's jest a fake, And nothin' 'cept our pas?

"When your ma tells you all this rot, Don't believe her no more; Get wise! I've watched and seen pa work-- Dere bluffin' makes me sore."

"O Jim! You shouldn't say such things!"

The rest intreated him, "For if you do you'll make him mad, And he'll forget you, Jim."

"Of course Old Santa's sure-nuff true, An' comes 'round every year An' brings you things, if you are good-- We think him just a dear.

"The fairies, you'll be saying next, Are make-believes also.

Just 'cause you're tough (our mas say so) Is no sign that you know."

Well, Christmas morning came, and Jim His stockings rushed to see.

He took one look and then he cried, "They're empty as can be!"

But then he found, by hunting 'round, A suit of underwear, A tooth-brush and a handkerchief Upon a kitchen chair.

He cried and cried and then ran out-- Was anxious so to see If others in the neighborhood Had fared the same as he.

But Mary had a baby doll, And Jamie had a sled; Virginia had some roller skates, An air-gun had small Fred.

Besides, much candy they all had, And lots and lots of toys And things that Santa always brings To real good girls and boys.

"Now fellers, w'at's the answer, say?

I'm mad enough to swear!

I _needed_ skates--why did I _get_ A suit of underwear?

"It seems that you-uns ev'ry one Has got most everything That you have said for weeks you hoped That Sandy Claws would bring."

The answer is, dear children: Old Santa Claus don't doubt.

For if you do--the truth I tell-- Like Jim, you'll be left out!

Shaving Time

When Dad gets out his safety The family 'gin to quake; They huddle 'round the doorway, Nor dare the silence break.

When Dad gets out his safety, A hush falls on the air And Fido runs to hide him Beneath a friendly chair.

Then Ma, she tiptoes gently To fetch him water hot, And lest he want for towels She lays him out a lot.

One of us goes for talc.u.m, And one for shaving soap; Another gets witch hazel, Cold cream and smelly dope.

Then we withdraw us quickly And watch him from afar; A safety's mighty dang'rous-- It wouldn't do to jar.

With face all white and soapy He sc.r.a.pes his cheeks and chin; The way he frowns and winces It surely hurts like sin.

But when the job is over And Dad looks clean and young, We all resume our breathing, And songs of praise are sung.

As Dad cleans up his safety You ought to see him strut And brag about how easy 'tis His face to never cut.

When Dad's put 'way his safety He laughs with fiendish glee To think the grasping barber From him will get no fee.

But ev'ry silver lining Has dark clouds lurking near: Tomorrow morn Dad's safety Brings back our hour of fear.

The Big Black Bear

Come, bear with me, I'll tell to you Of Big Black Bears with children two; Of Father Bear, too ready to dare, And Mother, and the cross she bare.

'Twas "Cinnabar" and "Blackberry" that Pa Bear his children named; But simply "Bairns" was nicer far, the mother stoutly claimed.

A lively time these children had, of pleasures had no lack; The thing that tickled them the most was bareback pick-a-pack.

This man Bear was, oh! so wicked and sly, He'd steal and then tell you a barefaced lie; The older he grew the more he would fight-- Stuck on himself 'cause he could read and write.

This Big Black Bear was a grouchy bear, And a cross old bear was he; He snapped and clawed and bristled and pawed And growled ferociously!

This Big Black Bear broke open the door And walked right into the groc'ry store; He ate all the sugar, he ate all the ham, And left not a cent for the groc'ryman.

He wrapped up honey and choice candies And he then left a note: "Just charge 'em, please; I'm gaunt and sore, I've come a distance, And take enough for bare existence."

The grocer, next morn, collected some men And tracked the foot-prints right up to the den; The Cubs, when they came, were out all alone, But raced through cubbyholes cut in the stone.

The Bears laid low, kept out of sight, Cubs snuggled down like it was night.

"All right," said the men, "we'll sure get you yet!"