h.e.l.lo, my name is Craig, and I love dolphins I love dolphins so much. They are so graceful, sleek, acrobatic, and wet. If I were a dolphin I would be one of those brave ones that fights sharks. I wish I were a dolphin. If I were a dolphin, I would swim alongside boats and jump out of the water to the awe of spectators, and they would feed me fish. That would be heaps easier than catching them.

I read somewhere that the dolphin in Flipper Flipper was actually several dolphins, since the dolphins kept dying. Or it might have been Skippy the kangaroo-I forget which. Either way it is very sad. Once when I was swimming, I found myself caught in a rip and was carried far out to sea. After several weeks of treading water, I became too weak and gave up hope. As I slipped from the surface and slowly sank like that guy in the movie was actually several dolphins, since the dolphins kept dying. Or it might have been Skippy the kangaroo-I forget which. Either way it is very sad. Once when I was swimming, I found myself caught in a rip and was carried far out to sea. After several weeks of treading water, I became too weak and gave up hope. As I slipped from the surface and slowly sank like that guy in the movie t.i.tanic, t.i.tanic, I was rescued by a friendly dolphin, who carried me back to his family and fed and nursed me back to health before constructing a small raft out of kelp for me on which I sailed back to sh.o.r.e. Ever since that day, I have devoted my life to collecting the most beautiful dolphin sculptures in the world. I was rescued by a friendly dolphin, who carried me back to his family and fed and nursed me back to health before constructing a small raft out of kelp for me on which I sailed back to sh.o.r.e. Ever since that day, I have devoted my life to collecting the most beautiful dolphin sculptures in the world.

Here are just a few of my favorites:

The most beautiful and magical creatures of the sea, these magnificent dolphins are captured in their wondrous movement atop the crystal waves. As if mirroring the ocean, the waves sparkle with prismatic colors and dazzling lights. I have this on the dashboard of my 4WD; people often remark on its unique beauty. At almost sixty centimeters height it does obstruct some view but is semitransparent, so I do not feel it causes any problem.

The only way you sleep through this alarm is if you do it on porpoise. Every morning I wake up to the pleasant sound of dolphin laughs, it makes me chipper, ready for the day, and aroused.

In this deliciously decorative delight, a dolphin frolics merrily amongst lacy turquoise reefs. With a charmingly crafted sh.e.l.l for keepsakes, this pleasing sculpture is a dolphin lover's dream! I keep this on my desk at work and use the hanging basket to put my mobile phone in. My ringtone is a dolphin call, so every time my phone rings it is like the dolphin is singing to me. I call this dolphin Carl.

Seash.e.l.l, dolphin, and coral reef night light. Simply beautiful. If I were a dolphin I would definitely live in an underwater paradise such as this. Leith and I would be the dolphins on the right and the other dolphin would be a friend dropping by. They would remark on what a beautiful home we had, and then we would eat that fish.

One of my favorites: Three marbleized dolphins form a cozy nest, awaiting the pleasant aromas, which will soon drift from the urn of this absolutely stunning oil warmer. Sometimes I light a candle, add my favorite oil, and sit watching it while listening to dolphin calls on my iPod.

A mother dolphin teaches her baby the ways of the sea on this blue-gla.s.s carved art piece with tea light holder. If I were the mother dolphin, I would teach my baby dolphin that life has no set path but that which you choose.

Dolphin Facts Dolphins taste like chicken. Really good chicken.

Dolphins can hold their breath for up to eight weeks but need to surface occasionally to look around, as they cannot open their eyes under water.

Singing to a dolphin will make it love you and be your friend for life.

Have you ever noticed the beauty of a baby's smile?

h.e.l.lo, my name is Barry. I am available and looking for that special woman. She has to enjoy never leaving the house, cleaning me with a damp cloth, and experiencing the beauty of a baby's smile. I placed an ad in the singles' columns that simply read: "Woman wanted." I felt it would be superficial to include that she must be athletic and named Candy. I will screen them when they call.

I read recently that the earth is not actually a sphere and is compressed at the poles and bulges at the equator, where the world spins the fastest. This means that objects at the equator are under less gravitational pull and therefore weigh less. I have calculated that I would lose almost six hundred kilograms by moving my bed ten meters closer to the equatorial line. This is a lot of effort for little outcome, but I did change position by eight centimeters today. Changing positions once a week allows mum to wipe sections of my body according to a rotation schedule. It also burns calories and is part of my regular exercise routine. In the future, there will be televisions that change channels when you blink your eyes.

My Life Story I was born in a small village near a secret government-testing complex. As part of an experiment in human/pig cloning, I led a happy childhood, often seen rolling through the streets of the village. Sometimes I would also take my scooter. When I grew to manhood, I was placed inside a magnetically shielded device designed to compress my molecular structure into a singularity point using my body's own gravitational fields. Now that I am a singularity point, I have the ability to see through all time and s.p.a.ce.

"The View from My Bed," By Barry

I have two buckets, green and blue.

On Tuesdays a nurse comes and cleans my poo.

My Favorite Bible story Once when baby Jesus was in the desert, he turned some snakes into a small hut, where he lodged for the night.

Sell me your car for cheap, as it is not a very good one I quite liked my vehicle and was not overly happy about selling it. To ensure a quick sale, I advertised it for $5,200-around half its market value. Recently, I saw a used Bose Acoustima.s.s subwoofer and speaker system, which retails for well over a grand, advertised for $200 ono. I contacted the seller, writing, "Excellent price; I will take it." I actually paid $250 because he threw in speaker stands and I had budgeted twice that amount for a system half as good. I did not offer him $75 for it or haggle, because selling an item at a low price, for whatever reason you have, is trying enough without squirrels like Brian offering peanuts for it.

From: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11:04 a.m. Wednesday 26 May 2010 11:04 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Car Car

Hi I saw your ad for the car I checked redbook and its not worth much because its pretty old and they hve lots of problems with the waterpumb and stuff. can come and have a test drive now if your home. will you take $1800 cash for it?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11:46 a.m. Wednesday 26 May 2010 11:46 a.m.

To: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Subject: Re: Car Re: Car

Dear Brian,

Thank you for your enticing offer. I was moments away from swapping the vehicle for three magic beans, so your timing is impeccable.

When I was about ten, I swapped my Standish Selecta 12 racing bike for a broken microwave oven. Planning to construct a mind control ray, I connected the innards of the dismantled microwave unit to a tape recorder (which repeated the words "Let David paint his bedroom walls black") and plugged it into the mains. Unfortunately, the only results were being thrown across the room, receiving third-degree burns to my hands and arms, and forgetting how to do long division.

Disheartened that there have been only eighteen inquiries for the vehicle, despite it being advertised over an hour ago, I am not only prepared to deliberate your offer but willing to throw in a pair of pants (beige, size 32L) and a four-kilo bag of squirrel food to sweeten the deal.

Regards, David

From: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 3.17 p.m. Wednesday 26 May 2010 3.17 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Car

ok. does the car take petrol or diesel? I can come now if your home. whats the address? what the f.u.c.k would I want squirel food or pants for?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:08 p.m. Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:08 p.m.

To: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Subject: Re: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Brian,

They are quite nice pants. Squirrel food enables you to entice squirrels into your garden. I often sit on my back deck watching them run back and forth excitedly like Ricky Lee at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I wish I were a squirrel. Sometimes I talk to them and promise that if they speak to me I will not tell anyone else that they can do so. They haven't yet. I doubt I would be able to keep their secret, anyway, so it is probably for the best. I have named one Brian. Being an ugly squirrel, he was constantly ridiculed by the others until I tied a shiny ribbon around his neck. Now, as he pa.s.ses, the squirrels point and declare, "Look at that squirrel! He must be rich or a secret agent."

In regard to fuel type, the vehicle runs on a special blend of 9,000-octane rocket fuel and plutonium. The tachometer reads 179,300 but has clocked several times due to the vehicle being capable of covering distances in excess of twenty thousand kilometers per second. The advantage of this is that due to relativity I always arrive several minutes before I leave. Often, if I am very late for work, I simply drive around the block a few times and arrive before anyone else. Once, when I misjudged the accelerator pedal for the brake while entering the car park, I arrived at work the previous day and helped myself finish a project. We then went for a beer together, but having nothing much to say, we went our separate ways, promising to catch up sometime but probably won't. If truth be told, he was kind of annoying and smoked all my cigarettes.

The address is Top of the Forest (High Ground), 100 Aker Wood East. It has a green door. You can't miss it.

Regards, David From: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 7:24 p.m. Wednesday 26 May 2010 7:24 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

I dont give a f.u.c.k about stupid squirels. i hate squirels. is that a street address what suburb? do you want to sell the car or not? I can come and look now and the car looks white in the photo is it white or silver? do you have a cd player?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 10:06 a.m. Thursday 27 May 2010 10:06 a.m.

To: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Brian,

The vehicle employs the same paint technology as the stealth bomber. Sometimes it appears to be white and other times as small shrubbery. This has proven quite handy during police chases, especially in garden centers. The interior boasts a myriad of colors, thanks to hand-quilted Mennonite seat covers, while the ceiling features an eighteen-by-twelve-meter medieval tapestry of some guy in armor stabbing a fat peasant for offering threepence for his horse.

I do have a CD player; thanks for asking. And although the vehicle does not, it does feature a Rank Arena record player in the boot. As long as you do not exceed ten kilometers per hour and avoid speed b.u.mps, the sound reproduction far surpa.s.ses that of compact disc technology. Along with the pants (beige, size 32L) and four-kilo bag of squirrel food, I will throw in the Christmas with Boney M Christmas with Boney M LP and LP and Forever & Ever Forever & Ever by Demis Roussos, which includes the hit single "My Friend the Wind." by Demis Roussos, which includes the hit single "My Friend the Wind."