The Foolish Dictionary.

by Gideon Wurdz.

_Preface._

In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious emulation of the worthier--and wordier--works of Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of fun to the shrine of their great memories.

With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge.

However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit himself worthy of his hire.

In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from

GIDEON WURDZ.

It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.

A

Distilled waters run deep.

=ABSINTHE= From two Latin words, _ad_, and _sinistrum_, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)."

=ABSTINENCE=

[Ill.u.s.tration]

From the Persian _ab_, water, and _stein_, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon."

=ACCESSION= A beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old spelling, _Axe-session_.

=ACCIDENT= A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body better.

=ADAMANT= From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character.

Hence, anything tough, or hard.

=ADORE= From _add_, annex, and _ore_, meaning wealth. Example, foreign n.o.bles who marry American heiresses _adore_ them.

=ADVICE= A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive." =GOOD ADVICE= Something old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example.

=ADVERSITY= A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.

=AFFINITY= Complimentary term for your husband or your wife.

Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

=AFTERTHOUGHT= A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

=AGE= Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid.

=ALCOHOL= A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.

=ALDERMAN=

[Ill.u.s.tration]

A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng.

_all_, and Greek _derma_, meaning skin--"all skin."

=ALIMONY= An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, _allay money_).

=ALLOPATHY= From Eng. _all_, everybody, and Grk. _pathos_, pain.