"Oh, Clare, it is your mission in life to look after people, I know.

But I do think if she tried to rouse herself. "

"Yes, but her inability to do so is part of her illness. She can't rouse herself. If she could ..."

"She could if she tried. She does ride now and then. I have ridden with her."

"Yes," said Clare.

"She has taken me to that favourite spot others.

There again, her fancy for that is morbid. She told me that once she contemplated throwing herself over the Peak. "

"I know. She told me, too. How much has she told you, Clare?"

"She talks all the time ... of' the past mostly. Of the wonderful time she had in Paris. I know that she had a lover and that poor little William is not the Baron's child." "She has told you her whole life story, it seems."

"I'm sorry for her. I do what I can to help. But there is so little one can do, but sit and listen and show sympathy."

"Can't you make her interested in something?"

"She is interested only in herself. Oh, Kate, I am worried. I'm worried mainly about you and your involvement in all this."

I was silent and she went on: "We have to talk. It's no use pretending things are not what they are. Kendal is the Baron's son, isn't he?"

I nodded.

"He must have been born about the same time as William was."

"There is little difference in their ages."

"Even when the Baron was about to be married, you ... and he ..."

I just could not bear the reproach in her eyes.

"Of course," she went on, "I suppose he would be considered a very attractive man ... to some people. All that power ... all that masculinity ..."

I interrupted her.

"Clare, it was not as you think. I was going to marry a distant cousin of his and the Baron had a mistress. He was fond of her and wanted her settled. He wanted my fiance to marry her. My fiance said he would not marry the Baron's mistress. So the Baron... oh, I know this sounds crazy to you, coming from home where everything is so different. But these things do happen, and they happened here. He abducted me, kept me a prisoner, and forced me to submit to him."

Clare gave a cry of horror.

"Oh no!" she said.

"Oh yes. The result was Kendal."

"Oh, Kate. And you could love a man like that!"

"Love him?" I said.

"We are not talking of love."

"But you do love him ... now ... don't you?"

I was silent.

"Oh dear," she went on.

"I am so sorry. I just did not understand."

I told her how he had sent Nicole to look after me, how he had saved Kendal's life and brought us out of Paris.

She said: "He is a strong man." She lifted her shoulders.

"I begin to understand ... a little. But he is married to the Princesse. She hates him, Kate. He wants to marry you, doesn't he?"

I remained silent.

Then she went on: "But he can't because of the Princesse. Kate, you must not become his mistress. That would be wrong ... very wrong."

"I am thinking of going home," I said.

"I have been wanting to talk to you about that for some time."

"The Princesse told me that he had demanded that she divorce him."

"When?"

"A few days ago. She won't, Kate. She is adamant about that. I haven't seen her so alive ... ever before. At last she has a chance to take her revenge ... and she is going to take it. She knows that you and he have been lovers. She knows that Kendal is his son. He makes that clear enough. He dotes on the boy. And then, the way he ignores poor William. It's all very obvious ... and very sad. He is a cruel man in some ways."

"You see, I must go back to England with you. I wanted to talk to you about that."

"We will go whenever you say."

"It will be so strange to be back at Collison House."

"It was your home for a long time."

"Kendal will hate it. He loves the castle. He loves the Baron."

"Children get over these things quickly."

"I wonder if Kendall will."

"It's the best way, Kate. In fact it is the only way."

"You are so understanding, Clare."

"Well, my life has been very quiet really. I looked after my mother until she died and then I came to you ... Nothing much had happened to me until I married your father. Who would ever have thought I should marry! I was very happy. It was terrible what happened."

"You did everything for him. You made him so happy."

"Yes. It seems to me that I have always lived other people's lives. I looked after him. His life was mine. And now there is you, Kate. You are his daughter and it is what he would want me to do. I want to take you out of this situation which is becoming more and more intolerable.

I feel it is going to blow up into a big storm and I'm afraid for you.

"Oh Clare, I'm so glad you came. You have offered me the way out."

"But you don't want to take it, Kate."

"I have to take it. I see with you that it is the only way."

We sat for some time without speaking. Then she went off to pay the promised visit to the Princesse.

To Die/or Love ix^ Sy My thoughts were in a turmoil. I knew that I had to get away. Having talked to Clare, I realized it with greater understanding.

I listened to Kendal, talking of his new stalking game which he and William played in the woods. It was the favourite of the moment and the woods and surrounding country were an ideal setting for it.

"There's a man, you see," Kendal explained, 'and he was a prisoner in the dungeons. He starts out from the dungeons. The Baron said we could. We draw lots for prisoner and hunter. Then if I'm the prisoner, I go to the dungeons. I break out and have to hide myself. Then if I'm the hunter, William goes to the dungeons. We have to leave clues and then the hunt starts.

"It sounds very exciting," I said.

"Kendal... you know we can't stay here always."

His thoughts were far away in the woods working out the clues which he would leave for William to follow. He did not at first seem to grasp what I had said and then suddenly it struck him.

"Why not?" he said sharply.

"It's our home."

"No, it's not."

"But it is now ..."

"Wouldn't you like to go to the house where I was born?"

"Where is it?"

"In England. It's called Collison House after our family."

"I might... one day."

"I mean soon."

"I like it here. There's so much to explore... and the castle is so big and there's so much to do."

I said: "We might have to go home."

"Oh no, we wouldn't have to. This is our home. The Baron wouldn't want us to go, and it's his castle."

How difficult it was. In a cowardly manner I shelved the subject. I should have to return to it later. I did not want to spoil the afternoon's game in the woods.

He ran off to the dungeons, planning his clues. I wanted to get right away in order to think. I went to the stables.

My mare wasn't there. One of the grooms came over to me.

"The mare you like to ride has been taken to the blacksmith's," he told me.

"But if you are wanting a horse, there is old Fidele."

"Isn't that the horse the Princesse rides?"

"Yes, Madame, but she has not ridden him for several days. He needs a bit of exercise and you'll find him a steady old thing. He's very reliable. A bit lazy though. You understand?"

"All right," I said.

"Let me take Fidele."

"I'll get him ready. Why, just take a look at him. He's getting excited. He knows he is going for a ride. He's pleased about that, aren't you, old fellow?"

So I rode out on Fidele and I was amazed how he took charge of our direction. I realized he was taking me to the spot where he must have taken the Princesse many times.

Yes. I was right. There we were. The weather was mild and it was beautiful up here. Summer would soon be with us. It did not surprise me that Marie-Claude came up here very often. There was a peace about the place. One felt remote from everything.

I decided to find the spot where we had once sat together.

I tethered the horse where we had left ours when I came up here with her, and then I found the sheltered spot by the bushes where we had sat.

I leaned against them and let my thoughts wander back to my talk with Kendal, and I asked myself why I had not been firmer with him.

He was going to hate leaving so much. He was no longer a small boy who could be picked up and taken anywhere without protest. He loved the castle . passionately. He loved the Baron too. I was well aware of that. He was going through that phase of babyhood into boyhood and he saw himself as a man. Since I had been there I had detected in him certain similarities to his father, and I was beginning to think that Rollo must have been very like Kendal when he was his age.

But I had to tell him we must leave. Whatever his reluctance, we had to get away.

I heard the sound of a horse's hoofs in the distance. I supposed in a spot like this one could hear from a long way off. No. They were coming nearer. Now they had stopped suddenly.

My thoughts went back to how I was going to comfort Kendal. In comforting him perhaps I could comfort myself. It was foolish not to admit that to leave the castle would be as great an unhappiness for me as for my son-and perhaps it would take longer for me to recover.

I was aware that someone was close to me. Footsteps came slowly up the incline from behind the bushes which not only sheltered but hid me. It must have been the rider whom I had heard.

I sat still. waiting and then a sudden fear took possession of me.

I realized how lonely it was up here and I remembered that occasion when I had been here with Marie-Claude and we had stood on the brink of the ravine looking down, and I had had a strange uncanny feeling that I was in danger.

Whoever it was was very close now. I heard the snap of bracken . and then footsteps . slow and deliberate.