A Baldin hain't no more 'f a chance with them new apple-corers Than folks's oppersition views aginst the Ringtail Roarers; They'll take 'em out on him 'bout east,--one canter on a rail Makes a man feel unannermous ez Jonah in the whale: 170 Or ef he's a slow-moulded cuss thet can't seem quite t' 'gree, He gits the noose by tellergraph upon the nighes' tree: Their mission-work with Afrikins hez put 'em up, thet's sartin, To all the mos' across-lot ways o' preachin' an' convartin'; I'll bet my hat th' ain't nary priest, nor all on 'em together; Thet cairs conviction to the min' like Reveren' Taranfeather; Why, he sot up with me one night, an' labored to sech purpose, Thet (ez an owl by daylight 'mongst a flock o' teazin' chirpers Sees clearer 'n mud the wickedness o' eatin' little birds) I see my error an' agreed to shen it arterwurds; 180 An' I should say, (to jedge our folks by facs in my possession,) Thet three's Unannermous where one's a 'Riginal Secession; So it's a thing you fellers North may safely bet your c.h.i.n.k on, Thet we're all water-proofed agin th' usurpin' reign o' Lincoln.

Jeff's _some_. He's gut another plan thet hez pertic'lar merits, In givin' things a cheerfle look an' stiffnin' loose-hung sperits; For while your million papers, wut with lyin' an' discussin', Keep folks's tempers all on eend a-fumin' an' a-fussin', A-wondrin' this an' guessin' thet, an' dreadin' every night The breechin' o' the Univa.r.s.e'll break afore it's light, 190 Our papers don't purtend to print on'y wut Guv'ment choose, An' thet insures us all to git the very best o' noose: Jeff hez it of all sorts an' kines, an' sarves it out ez wanted, So's't every man gits wut he likes an' n.o.body ain't scanted; Sometimes it's vict'ries (they're 'bout all ther' is that's cheap down here,) Sometimes it's France an' England on the jump to interfere.

Fact is, the less the people know o' wut ther' is a-doin', The hendier 'tis for Guv'ment, sence it henders trouble brewin'; An' noose is like a shinplaster,--it's good, ef you believe it, Or, wut's all same, the other man thet's goin' to receive it: 200 Ef you've a son in th' army, wy, it's comfortin' to hear He'll hev no gretter resk to run than seein' th' in'my's rear, Coz, ef an F.F. looks at 'em, they ollers break an' run, Or wilt right down ez debtors will thet stumble on a dun, (An' this, ef an'thin', proves the wuth o' proper fem'ly pride, Fer sech mean shucks ez creditors are all on Lincoln's side); Ef I hev scrip thet wun't go off no more 'n a Belgin rifle, An' read thet it's at par on 'Change, it makes me feel deli'fle; It's cheerin', tu, where every man mus' fortify his bed, To hear thet Freedom's the one thing our darkies mos'ly dread, 210 An' thet experunce, time 'n' agin, to Dixie's Land hez shown Ther' 's nothin' like a powder-cask fer a stiddy corner-stone; Ain't it ez good ez nuts, when salt is sellin' by the ounce For its own weight in Treash'ry-bons, (ef bought in small amounts,) When even whiskey's gittin' skurce an' sugar can't be found, To know thet all the ellerments o' luxury abound?

An' don't it glorify sal'-pork, to come to understand It's wut the Richmon' editors call fatness o' the land!

Nex' thing to knowin' you're well off is _nut_ to know when y' ain't; An' ef Jeff says all's goin' wal, who'll ventur' t' say it ain't? 220

This cairn the Const.i.tooshun roun' ez Jeff doos in his hat Is hendier a dreffle sight, an' comes more kin' o' pat.

I tell ye wut, my jedgment is you're pooty sure to fail, Ez long 'z the head keeps turnin' back for counsel to the tail: Th' advantiges of our consarn for bein' prompt air gret, While, 'long o' Congress, you can't strike, 'f you git an iron het; They bother roun' with argooin', an' var'ous sorts o' foolin', To make sure ef it's leg'lly het, an' all the while it's coolin', So's't when you come to strike, it ain't no gret to wish ye j'y on, An' hurts the hammer 'z much or more ez wut it doos the iron, 239 Jeff don't allow no jawin'-sprees for three mouths at a stretch, Knowin' the ears long speeches suits air mostly made to metch; He jes' ropes in your tonguey chaps an' reg'lar ten-inch bores An' lets 'em play at Congress, ef they'll du it with closed doors; So they ain't no more bothersome than ef we'd took an' sunk 'em, An' yit enj'y th' exclusive right to one another's Buncombe 'thout doin' n.o.body no hurt, an' 'thout its costin' nothin', Their pay bein' jes' Confedrit funds, they findin' keep an' clothin'; They taste the sweets o' public life, an' plan their little jobs, An' suck the Treash'ry (no gret harm, for it's ez dry ez cobs,) 240 An' go thru all the motions jest ez safe ez in a prison, An' hev their business to themselves, while Buregard hez hisn: Ez long 'z he gives the Hessians fits, committees can't make bother 'bout whether 't's done the legle way or whether 't's done tother.

An' _I_ tell _you_ you've gut to larn thet War ain't one long teeter Betwixt _I wan' to_ an' _'Twun't du_, debatin' like a skeetur Afore he lights,--all is, to give the other side a millin', An' arter thet's done, th' ain't no resk but wut the lor'll be willin'; No metter wut the guv'ment is, ez nigh ez I can hit it, A lickin' 's const.i.tooshunal, pervidin' _We_ don't git it. 250 Jeff don't stan' dilly-dallyin', afore he takes a fort, (With no one in,) to git the leave o' the nex' Soopreme Court, Nor don't want forty-'leven weeks o' jawin' an' expoundin', To prove a n.i.g.g.e.r hez a right to save him, ef he's drowndin'; Whereas ole Abe 'ud sink afore he'd let a darkie boost him, Ef Taney shouldn't come along an' hedn't interdooced him.

It ain't your twenty millions thet'll ever block Jeff's game, But one Man thet wun't let 'em jog jest ez he's takin' aim: Your numbers they may strengthen ye or weaken ye, ez 't heppens They're willin' to be helpin' hands or wuss-'n-nothin' cap'ns. 260

I've chose my side, an' 'tain't no odds ef I wuz drawed with magnets, Or ef I thought it prudenter to jine the nighes' bagnets; I've made my ch'ice, an' ciphered out, from all I see an' heard, Th' ole Const.i.tooshun never'd git her decks for action cleared, Long 'z you elect for Congressmen poor shotes thet want to go Coz they can't seem to git their grub no otherways than so, An' let your bes' men stay to home coz they wun't show ez talkers, Nor can't be hired to fool ye an' sof'-soap ye at a caucus,-- Long 'z ye set by Rotashun more 'n ye do by folks's merits, 269 Ez though experunce thriv by change o' sile, like corn an' kerrits,-- Long 'z you allow a critter's 'claims' coz, spite o' shoves an' tippins, He's kep' his private pan jest where 'twould ketch mos' public drippin's,-- Long 'z A.'ll turn tu an' grin' B.'s exe, ef B.'ll help him grin' hisn, (An' thet's the main idee by which your leadin' men hev risen,)-- Long 'z you let _ary_ exe be groun', 'less 'tis to cut the weasan'

O' sneaks thet dunno till they're told wut is an' wut ain't Treason,-- Long 'z ye give out commissions to a lot o' peddlin' drones Thet trade in whiskey with their men an' skin 'em to their bones,-- Long 'z ye sift out 'safe' canderdates thet no one ain't afeared on Coz they're so thund'rin' eminent for bein' never heard on, 280 An' hain't no record, ez it's called, for folks to pick a hole in, Ez ef it hurt a man to hev a body with a soul in, An' it wuz ostentashun to be showin' on 't about, When half his feller-citizens contrive to du without,-- Long 'z you suppose your votes can turn biled kebbage into brain, An' ary man thet's pop'lar's fit to drive a lightnin'-train,-- Long 'z you believe democracy means _I'm ez good ez you be,_ An' that a feller from the ranks can't be a knave or b.o.o.by,-- Long 'z Congress seems purvided, like yer street-cars an' yer 'busses, With ollers room for jes' one more o' your spiled-in-bakin'

cusses, 290 Dough 'thout the emptins of a soul, an' yit with means about 'em (Like essence-peddlers[23]) thet'll make folks long to be without 'em, Jes heavy 'nough to turn a scale thet's doubtfle the wrong way, An' make their nat'ral a.r.s.enal o' bein' nasty pay.-- Long 'z them things last, (an' _I_ don't see no gret signs of improvin',) I sha'n't up stakes, not hardly yit, nor 'twouldn't pay for movin': For, 'fore you lick us, it'll be the long'st day ever _you_ see.

Yourn, (ez I 'xpec' to be nex' spring,) B., MARKISS O' BIG BOOSY.

No. IV

A MESSAGE OF JEFF DAVIS IN SECRET SESSION

_Conjecturally reported by_ H. BIGLOW

TO THE EDITORS OF THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY

JAALAM, 10th March, 1862.

GENTLEMEN,--My leisure has been so entirely occupied with the hitherto fruitless endeavour to decypher the Runick inscription whose fortunate discovery I mentioned in my last communication, that I have not found time to discuss, as I had intended, the great problem of what we are to do with slavery,--a topick on which the publick mind in this place is at present more than ever agitated. What my wishes and hopes are I need not say, but for safe conclusions I do not conceive that we are yet in possession of facts enough on which to bottom them with certainty.

Acknowledging the hand of Providence, as I do, in all events, I am sometimes inclined to think that they are wiser than we, and am willing to wait till we have made this continent once more a place where freemen can live in security and honour, before a.s.suming any further responsibility. This is the view taken by my neighbour Habakkuk Sloansure, Esq., the president of our bank, whose opinion in the practical affairs of life has great weight with me, as I have generally found it to be justified by the event, and whose counsel, had I followed it, would have saved me from an unfortunate investment of a considerable part of the painful economies of half a century in the Northwest-Pa.s.sage Tunnel. After a somewhat animated discussion with this gentleman a few days since, I expanded, on the _audi alteram partem_ principle, something which he happened to say by way of ill.u.s.tration, into the following fable.

FESTINA LENTE

Once on a time there was a pool Fringed all about with flag-leaves cool And spotted with cow-lilies garish, Of frogs and pouts the ancient parish.

Alders the creaking redwings sink on, Tussocks that house blithe Bob o' Lincoln Hedged round the una.s.sailed seclusion, Where muskrats piled their cells Carthusian; And many a moss-embroidered log, The watering-place of summer frog, Slept and decayed with patient skill, As watering-places sometimes will.

Now in this Abbey of Theleme, Which realized the fairest dream That ever dozing bull-frog had, Sunned on a half-sunk lily-pad, There rose a party with a mission To mend the polliwogs' condition, Who notified the selectmen To call a meeting there and then.

'Some kind of steps,' they said, 'are needed; They don't come on so fast as we did: Let's dock their tails; if that don't make 'em Frogs by brevet, the Old One take 'em!

That boy, that came the other day To dig some flag-root down this way, His jack-knife left, and 'tis a sign That Heaven approves of our design: 'Twere wicked not to urge the step on, When Providence has sent the weapon.'

Old croakers, deacons of the mire, That led the deep batrachian choir, _Uk! Uk! Caronk!_ with ba.s.s that might Have left Lablache's out of sight, Shook n.o.bby heads, and said, 'No go!

You'd better let 'em try to grow: Old Doctor Time is slow, but still He does know how to make a pill.'

But vain was all their hoa.r.s.est ba.s.s, Their old experience out of place, And spite of croaking and entreating, The vote was carried in marsh-meeting.

'Lord knows,' protest the polliwogs, 'We're anxious to be grown-up frogs; But don't push in to do the work Of Nature till she prove a shirk; 'Tis not by jumps that she advances, But wins her way by circ.u.mstances; Pray, wait awhile, until you know We're so contrived as not to grow; Let Nature take her own direction, And she'll absorb our imperfection; _You_ mightn't like 'em to appear with, But we must have the things to steer with.'

'No,' piped the party of reform, 'All great results are ta'en by storm; Fate holds her best gifts till we show We've strength to make her let them go; The Providence that works in history, And seems to some folks such a mystery, Does not creep slowly on _incog._, But moves by jumps, a mighty frog; No more reject the Age's chrism, Your queues are an anachronism; No more the Future's promise mock, But lay your tails upon the block, Thankful that we the means have voted To have you thus to frogs promoted.'

The thing was done, the tails were cropped.

And home each philotadpole hopped, In faith rewarded to exult, And wait the beautiful result.

Too soon it came; our pool, so long The theme of patriot bull-frog's song, Next day was reeking, fit to smother, With heads and tails that missed each other,-- Here snoutless tails, there tailless snouts; The only gainers were the pouts.

MORAL

From lower to the higher next, Not to the top, is Nature's text; And embryo Good, to reach full stature, Absorbs the Evil in its nature.

I think that nothing will ever give permanent peace and security to this continent but the extirpation of Slavery therefrom, and that the occasion is nigh; but I would do nothing hastily or vindictively, nor presume to jog the elbow of Providence. No desperate measures for me till we are sure that all others are hopeless,--_flectere si nequeo_ SUPEROS, _Acheronta movebo_. To make Emanc.i.p.ation a reform instead of a revolution is worth a little patience, that we may have the Border States first, and then the non-slaveholders of the Cotton States, with us in principle,--a consummation that seems to be nearer than many imagine. _Fiat just.i.tia, ruat coelum_, is not to be taken in a literal sense by statesmen, whose problem is to get justice done with as little jar as possible to existing order, which has at least so much of heaven in it that it is not chaos. Our first duty toward our enslaved brother is to educate him, whether he be white or black. The first need of the free black is to elevate himself according to the standard of this material generation. So soon as the Ethiopian goes in his chariot, he will find not only Apostles, but Chief Priests and Scribes and Pharisees willing to ride with him.

'Nil habet infelix paupertas durius in se Quam quod ridiculos homines facit.'

I rejoice in the President's late Message, which at last proclaims the Government on the side of freedom, justice, and sound policy.

As I write, comes the news of our disaster at Hampton Roads. I do not understand the supineness which, after fair warning, leaves wood to an unequal conflict with iron. It is not enough merely to have the right on our side, if we stick to the old flint-lock of tradition. I have observed in my parochial experience (_haud ignarus mali_) that the Devil is prompt to adopt the latest inventions of destructive warfare, and may thus take even such a three-decker as Bishop Butler at an advantage. It is curious, that, as gunpowder made armour useless on sh.o.r.e, so armour is having its revenge by baffling its old enemy at sea; and that, while gunpowder robbed land warfare of nearly all its picturesqueness to give even greater stateliness and sublimity to a sea-fight, armour bids fair to degrade the latter into a squabble between two iron-sh.e.l.led turtles.

Yours, with esteem and respect,

HOMER WILBUR, A.M.

P.S.--I had wellnigh forgotten to say that the object of this letter is to enclose a communication from the gifted pen of Mr. Biglow.

I sent you a messige, my friens, t'other day, To tell you I'd nothin' pertickler to say: 'twuz the day our new nation gut kin' o' stillborn, So 'twuz my pleasant dooty t' acknowledge the corn, An' I see clearly then, ef I didn't before, Thet the _augur_ in inauguration means _bore_.

I needn't tell _you_ thet my messige wuz written To diffuse correc' notions in France an' Gret Britten, An' agin to impress on the poppylar mind The comfort an' wisdom o' goin' it blind,-- 10 To say thet I didn't abate not a hooter O' my faith in a happy an' glorious futur', Ez rich in each soshle an' p'litickle blessin'

Ez them thet we now hed the joy o' possessin', With a people united, an' longin' to die For wut _we_ call their country, without askin' why, An' all the gret things we concluded to slope for Ez much within reach now ez ever--to hope for.

We've gut all the ellerments, this very hour, Thet make up a fus'-cla.s.s, self-governin' power: 20 We've a war, an' a debt, an' a flag; an' ef this Ain't to be inderpendunt, why, wut on airth is?

An' nothin' now henders our takin' our station Ez the freest, enlightenedest, civerlized nation, Built up on our bran'-new politickle thesis Thet a Gov'ment's fust right is to tumble to pieces,-- I say nothin' henders our takin' our place Ez the very fus'-best o' the whole human race, A spittin' tobacker ez proud ez you please On Victory's bes' carpets, or loaf-in' at ease 30 In the Tool'ries front-parlor, discussin' affairs With our heels on the backs o' Napoleon's new chairs, An' princes a-mixin' our c.o.c.ktails an' slings,-- Excep', wal, excep' jest a very few things, Sech ez navies an' armies an' wherewith to pay, An' gettin' our sogers to run t'other way, An' not be too over-pertickler in tryin'

To hunt up the very las' ditches to die in.

Ther' are critters so base thet they want it explained Jes' wut is the totle amount thet we've gained, 40 Ez ef we could maysure stupenjious events By the low Yankee stan'ard o' dollars an' cents: They seem to forgit, thet, sence last year revolved, We've succeeded in gittin' seceshed an' dissolved, An' thet no one can't hope to git thru dissolootion 'thout some kin' o' strain on the best Const.i.tootion.

Who asks for a prospec' more flettrin' an' bright, When from here clean to Texas it's all one free fight?

Hain't we rescued from Seward the gret leadin' featurs Thet makes it wuth while to be reasonin' creators? 50 Hain't we saved Habus Coppers, improved it in fact, By suspendin' the Unionists 'stid o' the Act?

Ain't the laws free to all? Where on airth else d' ye see Every freeman improvin' his own rope an' tree?

Ain't our piety sech (in our speeches an' messiges) Ez t' astonish ourselves in the bes'-composed pessiges, An' to make folks thet knowed us in th' ole state o' things Think convarsion ez easy ez drinkin' gin-slings?

It's ne'ssary to take a good confident tone With the public; but here, jest amongst us, I own 60 Things look blacker 'n thunder. Ther' 's no use denyin'

We're clean out o' money, an' 'most out o' lyin'; Two things a young nation can't mennage without, Ef she wants to look wal at her fust comin' out; For the fust supplies physickle strength, while the second Gives a morril advantage thet's hard to be reckoned: For this latter I'm willin' to du wut I can; For the former you'll hev to consult on a plan,-- Though our _fust_ want (an' this pint I want your best views on) Is plausible paper to print I.O.U.s on. 70 Some gennlemen think it would cure all our cankers In the way o' finance, ef we jes' hanged the bankers; An' I own the proposle 'ud square with my views, Ef their lives wuzn't all thet we'd left 'em to lose.

Some say thet more confidence might be inspired, Ef we voted our cities an' towns to be fired,-- A plan thet 'ud suttenly tax our endurance, Coz 'twould be our own bills we should git for th' insurance; But cinders, no matter how sacred we think 'em, Mightn't strike furrin minds ez good sources of income, 80 Nor the people, perhaps, wouldn't like the eclaw O' bein' all turned into paytriots by law.

Some want we should buy all the cotton an' burn it, On a pledge, when we've gut thru the war, to return it,-- Then to take the proceeds an' hold _them_ ez security For an issue o' bonds to be met at maturity With an issue o' notes to be paid in hard cash On the fus' Monday follerin' the 'tarnal Allsmash: This hez a safe air, an', once hold o' the gold, 'ud leave our vile plunderers out in the cold, 90 An' _might_ temp' John Bull, ef it warn't for the dip he Once gut from the banks o' my own Ma.s.sissippi.

Some think we could make, by arrangin' the figgers, A hendy home-currency out of our n.i.g.g.e.rs; But it wun't du to lean much on ary sech staff, For they're gittin' tu current a'ready, by half.

One gennleman says, ef we lef' our loan out Where Floyd could git hold on 't _he_'d take it, no doubt; But 'tain't jes' the takin', though 't hez a good look, We mus' git sunthin' out on it arter it's took, 100 An' we need now more'n ever, with sorrer I own, Thet some one another should let us a loan, Sence a soger wun't fight, on'y jes' while he draws his Pay down on the nail, for the best of all causes, 'thout askin' to know wut the quarrel's about,-- An' once come to thet, why, our game is played out.

It's ez true ez though I shouldn't never hev said it, Thet a hitch hez took place in our system o' credit; I swear it's all right in my speeches an' messiges, But ther's idees afloat, ez ther' is about sessiges: 110 Folks wun't take a bond ez a basis to trade on, Without nosin' round to find out wut it's made on, An' the thought more an' more thru the public min' crosses Thet our Treshry hez gut 'mos' too many dead hosses.

Wut's called credit, you see, is some like a balloon, Thet looks while it's up 'most ez harnsome 'z a moon, But once git a leak in 't, an' wut looked so grand Caves righ' down in a jiffy ez flat ez your hand.

Now the world is a dreffle mean place, for our sins, Where ther' ollus is critters about with long pins 120 A-p.r.i.c.kin' the bubbles we've blowed with sech care, An' provin' ther' 's nothin' inside but bad air: They're all Stuart Millses, poor-white trash, an' sneaks, Without no more chivverlry 'n Choctaws or Creeks, Who think a real gennleman's promise to pay Is meant to be took in trade's ornery way: Them fellers an' I couldn' never agree; They're the nateral foes o' the Southun Idee; I'd gladly take all of our other resks on me To be red o' this low-lived politikle 'con'my! 130